Something to try and there’s no turning back
Dear Diary,
I think I’ve found a way to feel better. Gossip led me to find something out about one of my best friends. When I first heard I just didn’t believe it. Then when I realized it was true, I got so upset. So many emotions ran through me in an instant; I was disgusted, intrigued, revolted, excited, sad, hopeful, confused.
Mostly, I just didn’t understand.
But then slowly I started to think maybe if it worked for her, then it could work for me too. I’m not sure if I’m going to yet, but it is an idea. I still have to figure out how it would work for me. I know I’ll be careful, and make sure not to do it too often, but I’m thinking this may be a temporary solution.
This might be a real possibility.
I won’t do it too much. Besides, it’s not like it could be addictive.
It made her feel better. She was hurting because she’d gone through so much, and she took matters into her own hands. Her mother had recently had a miscarriage, and she'd found out her dad has cancer. She’s been dealing with more than anyone our age should. She'd decided she couldn’t cope in a way others thought she should, and so she'd come up with her own solution.
If it made her feel better, why can’t it make me feel better? I deserve to feel better. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I do believe I deserve to be happier. I want to feel like I used to. Sleeping less would be nice, and enjoying the things I used to enjoy. I want to look and be as happy as I used to be. And I think I deserve to smile more, hug more, be kissed more, and laugh as loud and as sincerely as I used to.
Happier people are healthier, or so I’ve heard, more fun to be around, and they look better. I do deserve to feel better, and I plan to make that happen.
My plan will probably happen sooner rather than later, because I’m starting to worry. The incident at school isn’t going away, and the girls who used to be my friends are using it as ammunition to humiliate me further. I keep getting funny looks, and I’ve been blowing up at everyone because I’m so anxious.
I just feel lonely, sad, confused, and I desperately want to let go of these negatives. Since it helped her, then I think I might try it too.