Dear Diary,

Again my feelings have changed. I was happier to have a group. I felt better with an adult I trusted and who appeared to understand. But now I feel like I’ve contributed too much to something horrific.

I know I’ve said many times before, this had increased quickly. But I now realize I am partly to blame for starting this wildfire. I was one of the first two, and I wish, more now than ever before, no one had followed in my careless footsteps.

I don’t even know what to call it anymore. It has become this thing, that’s all I call it, this thing.

It has become this thing that happens, this thing I do. It’s a thing a lot of people do now. And others judge people who do this thing.

It’s this thing we shouldn’t do, but aren’t ready to stop.

One girl hears about it and then starts to do it. I feel horrible when someone finds out I do it, and then all of a sudden a few days later, I see the unmistakably intentional marks on her. I only wanted to do it myself; I didn’t think it was something any of my friends should do. Hypocritical, I know, but all I can do is cry when I think about my two best friends dealing with similar pain. One cuts like I do, and the other forces herself to throw up.

Though an eating disorder is different than what I do, in my mind it isn’t too far off. She seems normal to all who don’t know. She looks happy, healthy, and just like the rest of us. However, on the inside she hurts more than some other people; she hurts like me.

She started this other thing, this bulimic thing, on a whim. She only wanted to lose a few pounds to fit into her new outfit. She didn’t start because she was disgusted with herself or found herself to be super overweight. But now that’s precisely how she sees things. She can no longer see what is truly in front of her mirror like she used to. Her perception has morphed. It’s deformed.

Her self-perception is as dysfunctional as our cutting. To make things worse, now it has become a real, addictive problem. She can’t eat a full meal without having her gag reflex affect her afterward.

What has my school become?

Every day I find myself wanting to grow up more than I ever used to. I want to grow up and grow out of these problems. I want to be away from all of the bad.

Will that ever happen?