Dear Diary,

Time goes by so quickly these days. Wasn’t I just a little freshman, nervous to start high school? Now I am already a senior, and again I find myself nervous. Being a senior is a new thing. It is a little scary. I have to face the fact I will have to enter the real world soon. Going to college, taking classes, and deciding on a major, I have to do it all. It’s scary to know I’ll actually pick what I want to do when I grow up. And then somehow I’ll land on a career. I don’t normally get scared over decisions like this, but these are seriously big ones. One thing I do know is that I want to help people. But that’s about where I get lost. Being a counselor would be rewarding; I’d love that, to help people who have had similar problems like I had.

But who knows?

On top of the stress of growing up, I have also recently been dumped. I realize this seems like such a young worry, especially after all of the real hurt I’ve suffered by my own hand, but I was overcome with sadness nonetheless.

For two-and-a-half days, I lay in my bed. The only reasons I got up were to shower, go to the bathroom, and brush my teeth. I detached myself from the world. I thought it would be easier to deal with my pain and disappointment alone.

In the end that didn’t seem to help me much. All I achieved was more disappointment and more pain. I found ways to blame myself. When I didn’t have my amazing friends telling me it was his stupid decision and his loss, I thought it was my loss. Even though he told me I had done nothing wrong, he had just fallen out of love with me, I still felt at fault.

How can someone just fall out of love without having the other person do something to initiate that? I wondered what I had done to produce such a decision from him. Had I become less attractive? Did I say or do the wrong things? Was I just not good enough?

Through all of these questions, I was thankful I hadn’t ever chanced sharing my struggles with him. If he had been disgusted with my past, or trampled on and diminished my successes since, then I would have likely fallen to temptation. It would have crushed me. And no one else is worth breaking my strength. Absolutely no one. Only I should have that power. I’m glad I never told him, but that didn’t change how sad I was I hadn’t been worth his time.

I felt so inadequate. Rejection does that.

After those two-and-a-half days in bed, I moved from my room to the couch. I walked my lazy butt upstairs to watch yet more TV. However, I knew in the back of my mind I was making progress. Now I wanted to eat again too. I threw myself a pity party, but it was still progress.

After a day of my one-person party, I finally got dressed in real clothes. A friend took me shopping, and my progress continued to grow.

However, I’m still kind of stressed.

I don’t do too well as single. It makes me feel more alone.

And lonely is always hard for me.