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The Christmas spirit is a spirit of giving and forgiving.
– James Cash Penney
Jordyn nodded once and then made her way to the closet for her boots and a coat. There was an inch of snow on the ground and more falling heavily, but neither one of them really seemed aware of it.
The night was quiet until the sound of their breaths as they labored to climb the hill broke the stillness. Without warning Chad pulled her down on a bench beside him next to a small crackling campfire. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice sounded more disappointed than angry. “I would have understood about the job if you would have just told me.”
Jordyn blinked back tears that appeared out of nowhere. “I did actually try...that night before I left.” She looked down at her idle hands. “But you told me to ‘just go.’ You said you didn’t really care one way or the other.”
“No!” Chad shook his head. “I mean, well...maybe I did.” He rubbed his hand over his chin in agitation. “I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, and you turned around and told me you were leaving. How was I supposed to feel?”
“I never meant to hurt you.” Jordyn gave up on trying to stop the tears. “They told me I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even my own parents. I still intended to tell you...I knew I could trust you.” Her voice turned to a whisper. “But you didn’t want to hear it.”
She watched Chad close his eyes, as if the memories replaying in his mind were too painful to recall.
Jordyn looked down at her boots, and blinked to keep her tears at bay. How many times had she wanted to pick up the phone and call him...tell him everything? Not being able to talk to her best friend in the world was the hardest part about the last ten years. There had never been a day that she hadn’t thought of him, or a night she hadn’t dreamed of him. She’d told herself he didn’t care, and even convinced herself that he’d move on. But her memories and her feelings for him had never lessened, and neither had the physical pain. The man in front of her hadn’t just broken her heart—he’d left it torn and mangled.
Glancing over at him, Jordyn could see she wasn’t the only one who’d been hurting. But it was Christmas Eve. Instead of focusing on the negative things, she decided to change the subject. “What brought you back? I mean, to the ranch?”
He shrugged and his jaw tightened. “The same thing that brought you back, I guess. It’s home.” He stood and gathered a few small limbs from a pile before tossing them onto the fire. “I wouldn’t know where else I could go. This place is helping me to heal.”
Jordyn couldn’t believe he was expressing his feelings so openly. It wasn’t like Chad. “I know what you mean,” she said, glad to have found a subject they could both agree upon. “It’s the horses. Open air. Sky that goes on forever. Maybe we should bottle it, so that others can heal too.” Jordyn attempted to lighten the mood with her joke, but his face only grew more serious.
“Do you think your mother would be open to that?” He stood by the fire, his large frame appearing like a massive silhouette.
Jordyn glanced up at him. “What? Bottling up the qualities of the ranch?”
“No.” He looked down as if losing his nerve. “Not exactly. But sharing it more...with people who need to heal.”
Jordyn understood what he meant now and could sense the emotion in his appeal. The look on his face was one of brokenness and survival...and utter unwavering determination.
“I mean maybe during one of the slow months, just open it up to veterans. Like you said, the horses, open air, sky that goes on forever...It could help a lot of people who are hurting.”
Jordyn nodded. “I think Mom would love the idea.” She paused and looked up at him. “That is if you’re staying and will help manage it.”
He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Like I said, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
Both of them remained silent a moment, staring at the mesmerizing flames of the fire. How many times had they done this together? No talking. Just comfortable being in each other’s company. One of their favorite past times had been going for a ride, then lying on a blanket and staring at the endless expanse of nighttime sky that seemed to shimmer and shine. It was like gazing upon eternity.
Jordyn glanced over at him as he sat down beside her again. She found his nearness comforting and his calm demeaner reassuring. He was as familiar as moonlight to her and as beloved as the stars.
“It’s really strange, isn’t it?” he said.
“What is?”
“That we both ended up in that hellhole called Terra Gardez.” He spoke as if to the night, but then turned his head and gazed down at her. “When did you find out I was there?”
Jordyn saw an unspoken pain alive and burning in his eyes, and knew hers probably reflected a similar agony. “Months later. It took me a while to recover, but I wanted to know what happened. I saw your name mentioned in the after-action report, that’s all.” She clenched her jaw to kill the sob, trying to keep her composure as memories assaulted her. “I didn’t remember any of it for a long time, but bits and pieces come back to me every now and then.”
They both left it at that. Neither one of them wanted to talk about that day that had led to the loss of one of their own. Each of them had to deal with the demons that still raised their heads when least expected.
“So you knew what I was doing all along, even though I didn’t have any idea about you.” He said the words thoughtfully, not in a condemning way.
“No one knew what I was doing,” Jordyn replied as she thought about all the years she’d spent gathering and analyzing intelligence in foreign countries.
“I assumed you were still in the service. I didn’t know you were back in the states until I saw you...here.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, partly to control her regret and partly to hide her pain. “What was I supposed to do? Call you up and say, thanks for rescuing me? And by the way, sorry about your buddy.”
“That wasn’t your fault.” He looked at her closely as if just realizing how much the memory affected her.
“Really?” She struggled to keep her voice from wavering. “Because if I had died on that chopper with everyone else, he’d still be alive, wouldn’t he?”
She pushed herself off the bench and started to walk away, not liking where her thoughts were taking her.
“Wait.” His voice was gentle but as unrelenting as an iron band.
Jordyn stopped but didn’t turn around. She felt the snow lashing her face, propelled now by a strong north wind.
“I’m sorry I brought it up. I think we both need to put that day behind us.” Chad moved to stand in front of her. He swept his hand across her cheek to remove the moisture there. “And maybe it’s even time to start over...Completely.”
Someone turned up the outside loudspeaker just then as Bing Crosby’s deep voice filled the air with, I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Chad looked up at the sky and smiled. “He’s got that right.”
Both of them knew why someone had increased the volume. It was her father’s favorite song, and brought with it a wave of memories that made Jordyn unsure whether she wanted to laugh or cry.
“Just like the ones I used to know...” As the crooner’s voice sang the words, Chad reached for Jordon and gazed into her eyes. “Too bad we can’t go back in time. We had some good Christmases, didn’t we?”
A flood of memories and emotions surged through Jordyn’s mind, making her unable to speak. Instead she stepped into his strong embrace and laid her head on his chest, listening to the familiar steady beating of his heart against her racing one as they swayed with the music. It would be nice to go back, even for just one day...To be that young naive teen who was so head-over-heels in love. Back in time to hear her father’s hearty laughter and get to talk to him again.
But when Jordyn thought about how much things had changed since those days her heart skipped a beat. She found herself holding on even tighter. She didn’t want to go back in time. She wanted to live for the moment, and she didn’t want this moment to end.
“Tell me something, Jordyn,” Chad said as the final notes of the song hung in the air.
“Sure.” Jordyn had already told him all her secrets. She had no idea what else he wanted to know.
“Are you going to leave again?”
Jordyn slowly raised her head and gazed into his deep blue eyes. It only took a glance to find the answer she’d been seeking all along. Why had it taken so long to figure out that this was where she was supposed to be?
Home.
“No. I’m staying...” She paused and took a deep breath. “And I hope you are too.”
For a long span of time, Chad said nothing. Then he bent down and lightly brushed his lips against hers, so gently and so tenderly, Jordyn barely knew it had happened.
“Sorry. There’s something I need to go take care of.” Chad released her without another word, and left her standing in the snow...alone.
