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I could see it in their faces, the wanting, eagerness, hope ... yearning for that quick fix. It caused me to ham it up even more.
“Having pain? Look no further than the healing powers of crystals! Need to see what lies ahead in your future? My personal peyote tonic,” I said in a whisper, hoping no cops or snitches were around, “will make everything clear!”
My Spirit Walker Goods booth was set up on the side of the road. Down the hill, far into the woods, was a reservation, and across the street was a diner, so I got lots of foot traffic—at least until business dried up as it always did, and I’d have to leave for somewhere untapped. For the moment, though, business was good due to a whole busload of people on their way to a science fiction convention. They had stopped for food and wandered their way over to my booth. Easy sells, I thought, since they already believed in all that mumbo jumbo. They gripped the crystals so tightly their knuckles were white, and they scrunched their eyes closed, sending all their wishes into it. Others just wanted my “reservation-registered” trinkets for mementos.
I spotted a pair of raven eyes in the far back of the crowd. They sparkled with an onyx intensity, piercing and scrutinizing. They belonged to a woman in worn jeans and a weathered jacket with fringes hanging down from the sleeves. Her hair was black as ink, her face the color of red-tinted earth. She waited with a shoulder up against a tree and a booted foot crossed in front of the other. As the last few science fiction nerds trickled away, she stood up straight and kept her gaze pinned on me. She was going to be a hard sell.
“What aliment can I help you with?” I asked with a big smile. It was perhaps too greedy, as her eyes narrowed, so I shrunk it down modestly.
“I will buy your most expensive item.”
A guffaw sounded from me before I could squelch it. “But you don’t even know what it is. Don’t you want something more personalized to your needs?” I hated myself immediately. I knew not to argue with cash cows, but I was taken aback. The woman looked confident and particular, much different than the naïve, desperate, and needy sort I was used to getting.
She kicked up dirt as she strode closer to me, her hands wedged in the pockets of her jeans. “In truth, I will buy anything you have, in any amount you want.”
“Why is that?”
“Because you strike me as the sort of man who is all about business.” Her voice struggled over the word. “You’re a salesman, and you don’t have time for discussions outside of sales transactions.”
“Is that what you really want? To talk to me?”
“I just want to pick your brain,” she said, her mouth fixed in a firm, thin line.
“Okay,” I replied hesitantly. “Then you can buy me lunch.”
She threw a look across the street at the sad, blue neon lights spelling “DINER.” They flickered in the waning sunlight. “Sure,” she agreed.
Once inside and seated across from each other in a booth, Wendy, the waitress, came over with her notepad in hand, ready to write down our order. I gave an extra flourish to my smile. Wendy hadn’t been a fan of mine since the beginning.
“Wendy, it’s been too long!”
“Yeah, yesterday was so long ago,” she snidely replied. “What can I get you, Jack?”
“I’ll have the burger with fries and a diet cola, and she’ll have ...” My voice trailed off as I waited for my mysterious guest to pipe up and order. Instead, she just sat there silently, watching me with those black eyes. My usually charming smile twitched a little. Her gaze was unnerving, and the longer the silence went on, the more I felt like I was being studied and read.
“Is this another gimmick of yours?” Wendy asked with a smirk, pointing toward my silent companion with the nib of her pen.
“Now that’s just rude,” I said in an aghast tone, but really, I was grateful for the break in the silence. “She’s a person, and she has a name ... I’m sure she does.” I awkwardly twiddled my thumbs, placed my elbows on the table, and then leaned closer toward my guest. “You do, don’t you?”
She cracked a smile but stayed silent.
“Too much of your own peyote?” Wendy remarked in a snarky tone.
I threw Wendy a glare and bit back a biting retort. Wishing for all the strangeness to be over, I ordered for my guest as well. “My friend here will have the same as me.”
“Right ... two burgers, two fries, two diet colas coming right up,” Wendy read off and then disappeared, leaving us alone.
“So this is ... um ... interesting,” I told her. “You ever going to talk or—”
“It is interesting.” Her words bounced off me, though not in a mimicking way.
“What is?”
“I wonder if you’re ever really serious because I see how much you play pretend.”
“Ha.” I forced out a laugh. “This is coming from the silent treatment woman ... What do you really want?”
She didn’t blink. Her eyes reflected my perplexed face. I leaned back in my seat, hating to see my reflection in them like a mirror. It was too searching, too harsh, like staring directly into the sun.
“Your name fits you,” she said slowly, ignoring my previous comment.
“Yeah, why is that?” I asked, starting to get frustrated.
“You’re quick to run, like a jackrabbit. Are you always running? Running away from yourself?”
A swollen lump hardened in my chest like a rock. My pride hurt. I snapped back, “Ah, thank you for your judgmental notions, o’ wise one. This was really worth my time.” I placed my palms against the table and began to push myself up.
“I’m not trying to offend you,” she replied calmly, “but surely you can see where I’m coming from.”
I was curious, so I plopped right back down in my seat. “Oh, really? Where’s that, then?”
“You left your tribe to sell trinkets, to be a fraud. You are no spirit walker, and you discredit the title.”
“Ah ...” I began narrowing my eyes in speculation. I ran a hand through my tousled hair and smirked with satisfaction, sure I’d figured her out. “So, what? The res sent you to try and boot me out? No worries, lady. I’ll be gone soon enough.”
“I’m not worried about your poppycock crystals and fake peyote ...” she began to say quietly, her voice accentuating every word, making them reverberate off my eardrums.
Right then, killing the moment, Wendy trotted up with the food. “Here you are. Two burgers, two fries, and two diet colas.” She proceeded to place all the plates and glasses in front of me, completely ignoring the other side of the table.
“Unbelievable,” I muttered under my breath as she walked away. I shoved the extra plate and glass toward the no-name woman across from me. The burger bun slid off the slick lettuce, and the soda sloshed and fizzed in the glass, but she didn’t break her eye contact. I didn’t think she had since I’d laid eyes on her. My nerves tingled up my veins, giving me the creepy crawlies. “You were saying ...”
“I’m worried about your soul,” she replied plainly.
I had grabbed my burger, ready to take a chomp out of it, but froze at her words. I then dropped it back to the plate and let out a laugh, a real, honest-to-God belly laugh that rumbled throughout my being, shaking my bones. “You’re crazy, you are.”
“I’m serious. You keep going down this road, and before you know it, you’re going to be too far gone to know how to get back.”
“This is crap. I don’t need to listen to this.” I finally committed to pushing myself out of the booth. I planted my heels onto the floor, ready to leave.
“You’re wrong,” she replied. I wanted to believe her voice was condescending, but it sounded so raw, honest, and silky pure. “You do need to listen to this ... it’s just a matter of if you want to or not. If you’re ready.”
It felt like a stab to the gut. At first, I wasn’t sure why it hurt so badly, but just as I had strengthened my defenses, I figured out the familiar feeling, the sting of truth, and it made me twinge with shame. Though most things she said, or rather, didn’t say, were odd, it didn’t change the fact that she was spot on. Real spirit walkers didn’t do the things I claimed to, and I wasn’t a real spirit walker. I felt another sting of shame. She was right again, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I curled my lip. “Whatever.”
I turned and refused to look back. Who was she to call me out, huh? Who was she to point the finger? I did what I did because I could. It wasn’t like I was really hurting anyone. I might have been selling false hope, but it was still more hope than they’d get without my trinkets.
“Hey! Don’t you think about ditching! You’re paying!” Wendy yelled, pointing a finger at me.
“She’ll take care of it,” I replied, throwing a thumb back toward the table. I shuffled my feet out the door. Yells from the staff followed me but were muffled by the walls and glass. I skipped across the road, and, when I reached my booth, I heard the diner door’s bell ring as it opened.
Wendy’s voice shouted, “I’m going to call the police and get you gone for good! You no good—” she began to rant.
I just rolled my eyes and huffed. The sound of tires barreling down the road drowned out Wendy’s voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a wolf sprint across the road, past the booth, and down into the woods toward the reservation.
The tires screeched, the horn blared, and Wendy’s voice, almost entirely drowned out, screamed, “Oh, my God!”
I turned toward the commotion just as the truck that had been driving by swerved in my direction, startled by the wolf. Suddenly, there was blackness and pain ... My body compressed into itself, folding inward until it pressed out all my air. Then, nothing ...
***
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE was light and no more pain. I had my hands in front of myself, my body curled up, and my face scrunched tightly, waiting to feel the impact. Instead, I was back in the diner’s booth, just fine, as if the last several moments hadn’t happened. Had they?
I unfurled myself, astonished to find the mysterious woman with the black raven eyes sitting across from me with the same cool calmness as before.
“There’s something you need to see,” she said, her tone so soft and delicate.
Images flashed through my mind like film strips streaking by. A wolf, a truck ... a truck! I threw a look outside. Crowding up the road was everyone from the diner. I could see the patrons and the staff, including a pale-as-a-ghost Wendy encircling something, or rather someone ... The truck was left crooked in the dirt with its door flung open, and a man was crouched beside it with tears streaking down his face.
“You coming?”
Her voice startled me, and the vinyl of the bench screeched beneath me as I twisted back in my seat. She stood at the door, waiting. I wordlessly slid out and followed after her. My face displayed nothing more than a blank expression. It felt frozen, and I felt a hard lump of shock tighten in my chest where my heart should be. She opened the door for me and then trailed behind as I went to go investigate the scene.
The man crouched by his truck was mumbling frantically, “I was going too fast ... I-I couldn’t stop in time ...”
As soon as my eyes caught sight of the person splayed out on the road, I backed off, staggering and rubbing my hands over my face, giving my cheeks a slap to wake myself from the nightmare. The person ... that person was me. I was lying in the road, crumpled like a shriveled leaf. It was real, it happened ... but then what was this?
I absentmindedly turned and hit Wendy with an elbow, but she didn’t react. She didn’t even register me standing there beside her. She was still standing with her eyes wide, mouth open, and palms shaking. Then the sensation, or lack of sensation, overwhelmed me. When I hit her, I hadn’t felt a thing. I reached out a hand and passed it through Wendy’s shoulder, but felt nothing. No reaction, no contact. I jumped, and my body began to quiver.
“What the hell is going on?” I asked, looking to the mysterious woman, the only person who could hear and see me among all those people.
“I’m sorry, Jack. This was always going to happen. However, what happens after this is all up to you.”
“Am I dead?”
“No,” she said simply, taking a step closer. The fringes of her jacket swayed with the breeze. “At least, not yet, but you have to find something to live for, and I doubt you’re going to find it in your crystals and false trinkets.”
My eyes narrowed. Suddenly, the weirdness of it all caught up with me. Nothing was clear anymore, but everything seemed clear to her. “Who are you?”
She smiled, pushing up her full cheeks dusted with rosy pink, which was startling against the red clay of her skin. Her dark raven eyes sparkled with unspoken words. Everything from before all seemed to collide into one train of thought that stationed itself in my brain. She was trying to guide me. She was worried about my soul ...
“You’re ...” My voice got caught in my throat, choking me. “You’re a spirit walker, aren’t you?”
“I thought you gave up believing in all that,” she countered with her smile cocking to the side.
“Well, that was before all of this!” I shouted, wailing my arms toward all of the chaos unfolding. There was crying and gasping. I heard people on their phones calling for help and saw them capturing video ... of me, dying. “I hate to break it to you,” I murmured, “but you’re too late.”
“It’s never too late.” She dropped the smile from her face, but her expression was still warm and welcoming. It almost made me want to believe her. “Come, I have something to show you.”
Everything went quiet. Despite all of the things unfolding around us, it was suddenly only the whisper of the wind, the hum of the trees, and the vibrations of the earth that surrounded me—or perhaps it emanated off of her. She led me to the edge of the wood, raised an arm, and pointed a delicate finger down the hill. My eyes followed her trajectory and spotted a wolf—the wolf.
It was unharmed and unfazed as if the truck hadn’t almost just smeared it across the pavement. Its eyes were watchful and severe, a hunger rumbling in them despite the calm outer appearance. The wolf was so sure of itself. It owned its skin, its meaty paws, the taut sinew of its muscles, the sharpness of its teeth and eyes, and even its fur that ruffled in the breeze.
Fear overwhelmed me, but it wasn’t the type of fear that came from being in the presence of pure, raw, primal power; instead, it was a fear of disappointment. My vision told me there should be no logical reason to appear like the wolf, but its confidence was something I was jealous of, and my skin suddenly felt like a baggy suit I put on during the day to play with. I felt no real ownership of self.
I blinked and broke my eye contact with the creature. I could see in my peripherals that the spirit walker was patient; her black eyes, though penetrating, were kind, as if she could read the thoughts going through me. I grew anxious and uncomfortable. A slight snarl formed on my face, and I could feel myself retreat behind my walls.
“That’s it? You wanted to show me the thing that almost got me killed? Might have gotten me killed?” I said, throwing a glance back, but the scene behind was frozen in time.
No one was moving, and nothing sounded. Everything but us was paused.
“Sometimes a whole life passes you by in a single moment, and sometimes a single moment can feel like a lifetime,” the spirit walker replied. “We must follow the wolf.”
The wolf dug into the earth, spun on his haunches, and tore down the hill. The spirit walker fled after it. Her feet barely touched the ground as she glided over it. Fringes of dark-black hair trailed behind her, and as she weaved through the trees, I followed clumsily and messily, but still, I kept pace. It was clear to see how I was so unlike both the wolf and the spirit walker, for they were tied to the earth, bound to nature, and I was just passing through it.
The wood was piney, and needles coated the floor, crunching under my boots. The scent of bark and soil filled my lungs, although I had no need for breath, for I was simply a shell of myself. My real self was lying back on that road.
The spirit walker stopped and held up her arm to keep me from colliding into her. I skidded until I slowly approached where she stood. There was the wolf, its nose to the ground, sniffing. Suddenly, a brown streak whooshed by, and the wolf perked up and ran after it. Just as the wolf’s mighty jaws were in reach, the jackrabbit darted into the safety of a hole in the ground. The wolf began to paw there, grunting threats and sticking his nose inward to snatch the rabbit or widen the girth of the hole.
I tensed. My fingers curled in anxiety. My heart began to beat a little faster with each passing moment as the tension grew. Thump ... thump, thump ... thump-thump-thump. Would the wolf catch the rabbit?
“Why do you grow nervous, Jack?” the spirit walker queried. Her voice was stern, but trickling through it was an eager concern ... a concern for me. It’d been a long time since I’d been around anyone who had cared for me that much. It’d been a long time since I’d let anyone get that close.
“I don’t want to see this,” I replied, moving to turn my back on it.
“Are you so sure the wolf is going to devour it? Have you lost all hope entirely? Have you given up your fighter’s spirit, or do you still have it in you?” She stepped within a breath’s reach from me. Her eyes burrowed into mine, demanding an answer, asking for the truth.
“Wolves hunt down rabbits,” I say with an air of obviousness.
“Everything and everyone has weaknesses and strengths. The wolf is strong and good with pursuit, but the rabbit is quick and small enough to evade the chase. You, rabbit, have been running, but in the wrong direction. You have been running from your wolf for so long you forgot why.”
I wasn’t quite sure what hit me so strongly since the swarm of confusion was muddling my mind. The wolf still sought out the rabbit. I tried to whisk away the tears that came to my eyes. The spirit walker was still demanding a reason, so my lips spilled out, “When something scary comes after you, you run the hell outta there.”
“What about it scared you, rabbit? What about your destiny was it that scared you?” Her voice was silky whispers of love and care.
I crossed my arms and took a step back, my eyes burning. “Destiny? Destiny shouldn’t chase you like that. It shouldn’t be such a threat!”
“Life is a battle worth fighting; you, rabbit, should have run toward the fight. Why did you give up so quickly? Why did you hide?”
I pinched my lips together, biting them between my teeth.
“Sometimes, the best disguise is the one that is close to how we really are, because then we can claim that it is merely all pretend and can relinquish our guilt in it.”
“What does that mean?” I accused with a sharp exhale.
“You were afraid of letting everyone down. You were afraid that your culture and people were going to find you a failure. So, you left and gave them a reason to label you one. That way, you didn’t have to try to live up to expectations, didn’t have to be judged on real merits, real intentions. You’ve made it real—all of it. It wasn’t pretend. Worst of all, you let yourself down.”
I trembled, my knees going weak. I plummeted to the earth, burying my face in my hands. Speaking into my palms, I said, “Why are you telling me all this? I know! This isn’t a shock to me. I pushed them away, okay? I was afraid I’d be judged, that it’d be stifling, that I would never live up to what I should be. But that doesn’t matter anymore ...”
She grasped me firmly by the arms and yanked me up, forcing me to stand on my feet. Her eyes were blazing with intensity and fierceness, yet her voice remained calm and blanketed me in warmth. “Did you not hear me before? It’s never too late.”
A pang of sparks shot through me, making me feel whole, not like the shell I was. “Why ... why are you here for me?”
“Spirit walkers lead the stray back home, but I cannot make you ... you must walk that road yourself. I can only show you the way.”
I was a mess, sopping in tears and quivering and wobbling on my legs like noodles. All the walls I’d built up crumbled down. Realization set in. This is it. This is where I’ve come. Everything I’ve done, and everything I haven’t, has led me here ... and where is that exactly? I locked my knees to keep me steady. “What must I do?”
The spirit walker’s lips parted into a smile once more, doing away with the chill that crept inside me. She turned to the wolf and motioned toward it with an outstretched arm. “Is it not obvious, Jackrabbit?”
A stirring arose with a whimper, small at first, but I honed in on it, and it grew. It filled me up to the outer reaches of my limbs. I absorbed it down into my bones. I set my eyes firmly, along with my shoulders, feet, hands, and mouth. Suddenly, I was in control, not because I knew what the outcome would be, but because that stirring inside me was a willingness to try, and that was the most in control a person of chaos could be. I didn’t want to be afraid of that chaos anymore. I let loose a smirk that edged up the side of my face because I realized that we were all made up of little bits of chaos.
The spirit walker nodded to me, bobbing her head like a raven spotting something shiny. I gave a nod back, as confident a nod as I could give, because I knew everything she’d said was right. There wouldn’t be anything to go back to if I stayed the same. It was time for a change. There was no more retreating, no more running, no more pretending. This was it; this would be what I’d make of myself.
The wolf took several steps back. Its claws were grasping the earth so fervently, and its muscles were so tensed that it was ready to pounce at any moment. His mouth pulled back into a snarl, baring startling teeth, sharp and white, ready to be stained with blood. That didn’t stop the jackrabbit. It peeped its head out of the hole. The wolf pretended to lunge forward, staying rooted to the spot. The jackrabbit didn’t react; instead, it kept its wide brown eyes latched onto the hungry wolf’s. Against the snapping jaws and drool, the rabbit exited the hole. The wolf faked a lunge again, but the rabbit did not flinch. The jackrabbit suddenly pulled himself upright, sitting on his back legs until he was as tall as he could be. Then, he did an even more unthinkable, remarkable thing ... he roared.
The threatening growls disappeared. The wolf no longer hunched in a mode of attack, his eyes no longer hungry, but burning yellow with a sort of respect. He stretched his front legs until they were straight out in front of him. His hind legs were still slightly bent, curving his back into an arch. The wolf was bowing down to the rabbit. The rabbit still stood tall and resolute. Then there was a swift crunch of leaves and pine needles as the wolf retreated into the woods, leaving the rabbit alone.
I let my smile fully crack the tension I’d held inside, releasing the breath I didn’t know I’d let sit for too long in my lungs.
“You have accepted your true place, Jack,” the spirit walker said as she abruptly dug the heels of her boots into the ground. She did a spin that sent her long, dark locks flowing through the air. Then there was a beat of wings, the caw of a raven, and a glisten in its eye as it flew past. The spirit walker was no longer standing beside me, though her voice echoed, “It’s time to live your life as you truly are.”
My breath caught in my throat. My eyes stung, causing me to blink several times. I was suddenly on my back, the rough pavement against me. The pain hadn’t re-entered my body. The truck seemingly left no more of an impact than a feather landing in the palm of my hand. My eyes stared up at the sky, which was dotted with concerned and crying faces. “Hey, Wendy...”
She burst out into tears, her face stained with them already. “Oh, my God, he’s alive!”
“Stay still! An ambulance is on the way!” someone shouted.
The tight circle of people suddenly broke apart to let in a man. I recognized him as the owner of the truck. His face was worn, and he was ragged with worry and guilt. His voice trembled as he spoke. “I’m so sorry, I was going too—”
“No worries,” I said, cutting him off. “It seems you have knocked some sense into me.”
Everyone was ablaze with amazement and wonder, and when I jumped up, invigorated, landing on my feet with a spry step, their mouths fell open in astonishment.
“You should be careful!” he cried, and Wendy looked ready to faint. “You could be seriously injured.”
A bird cawed in the distance. I looked past the tops of everyone’s heads toward the roof of the diner. A lovely, silky-black raven was sitting on the edge of the gutter with a glint in her onyx eyes.
“I’ve never felt better,” I remarked before turning to Wendy, a curious notion popping into my head. “You never saw a woman sitting with me earlier in the booth, did you?”
Wendy scrunched up her face. “No ... are you sure you’re feeling okay? Maybe you should sit down.”
I laughed. “Nah, I’m good.” I spotted the ambulance pulling up. “Hope this doesn’t take too long; I’ve got somewhere to be ... after I pay my bill, of course.” I winked at Wendy.
It was time to go home and become who I should have been all along.