#9: Baggage Handling

Unlike the airport, I am now going to teach you how to handle your baggage properly.

Let’s talk about the baggage you both have and bring to a relationship. It’s time to learn how to deal with it from a man’s perspective.

Kids, health issues, depression, financial woes, an angry stalker or maybe a total lack of trust are all common examples of the baggage people bring into a relationship. We all have baggage, even when we think we don’t. Sometimes no baggage is even baggage. Let’s use me as an example again. I’m getting into my late forties and I don’t have kids. What? What is wrong with you? Exactly.

Women sometimes look at me and ask why I don’t have kids. Ironically, they would feel better if I had three and I was divorced! That’s how ugly this world is when it comes to relationships. People want to date failures!

This becomes my baggage. Men react very differently than women when it comes to baggage and it’s important for you to grasp where men stand.

I have thousands of guys each week visit my men’s website, talking about dating women, so the words I speak are from a huge sampling of men and not just my opinion.

Three ways to expose your baggage properly

Get it out there.

If a man finds out you have kids on the second date, we will feel duped. Maybe not because you have kids, but because you left it out on the first date. A man will wonder what else you left out. This doesn’t mean it needs to be the first sentence out of your mouth, but make this information available to him early so he can decide if this is okay or not.

Remember, every man has some baggage too, and it’s sitting there, just like yours. Men are actually relieved when a woman is honest about baggage.

Keep it light and tell him you are working on it.

If you have some bad baggage, frame it in a light-hearted way. If you have trust issues, you might say, “I’m doing my best to trust men, but it’s been a hard road.” This is good. It tells him you are working on trusting more. Other women will say, “I’ve been screwed over so many times in the past with guys, I can’t trust anymore.”

Okay, show me the exit.

If it’s minor, leave it be.

Men are tough and have dealt with some really bad women. Stalkers, coke heads and out right crazies have crossed most guys paths if they’ve dated into their thirties. Don’t sweat it.

If you have major emotional issues, you should not be dating. These need to be dealt with professionally, first. A man is not the answer.

Now, you’re wondering how to find out about his baggage. I thought you would never ask. First off, don’t ask him, because he probably won’t tell you.

I know, men can suck, and I’m not always proud of what I tell you about men, but it’s the truth. You wouldn’t want it any other way.

You can ask him if he has kids. Kids may or may not be baggage to you. You can ask him about his job. If he doesn’t have a job, then this is baggage. If he has a crappy job, then this could be baggage. But when you ask him about drugs, alcohol or herpes, it begins to sound more like an interview and he may get defensive, even though these are legitimate concerns.

*If you start to get serious with any man, do a criminal record check on him. It’s easy, inexpensive and could save you a world of trouble. Trust is earned, and he hasn’t earned anything from you yet.

The best way to find out a man’s baggage is to go on dates with him. This will expose everything about him. He will have no choice.

Watch how he treats people. Does he tip well? Does he open doors and practice chivalry? Does he drink too much? Does he drive drunk? Does he mention or do drugs? Does he get jealous? Does he get mad easily? Is he a complainer? Is he a tightwad? Is he a slob, an over-spender or just plain lazy?

You are a woman of value and you are the chooser. Look for these things. In the past, maybe you just saw an awesome body or stunning baby blue eyes. Now, you know what qualities you must have in a man, and where you will and will not compromise. You have an abundance of men because you have interests and you have met various quality men through these interests.

This is your new playbook and what a difference it will make!

Four ways to get his baggage exposed early

Meet his friends.

Another super way of discovering a man’s baggage is to meet his friends. You will see where he stands among his peers, if they have respect for him, and how much. If all of his friends are players, then guess what? He is too! If he sides with his friends instead of you, hit the exit—immediately. He may have hit you with a bunch of lies and now his friends are unknowingly revealing them for you. Again, hit the exit.

Meet his family.

This will not happen until a bit later in the relationship, but you might be able to accidentally run into them. This will show you how he acts around his Mom, which is very telling! If he is a Momma’s Boy, be careful. If he doesn’t respect her, be very careful. If she doesn’t respect him, he will have some major issues. Family rarely lies, and moms are notorious for putting junior in an uncomfortable position.

My Mom always mentions how my three older sisters would dress me up in their clothing. Embarrassing? Yes, but I can live with it.

If, however, you get, “Jimmy has always had a drinking problem. He got it from his alcoholic father. I’m sure you can clean him up, though.” Exit. Exit now.

Have your friends meet him.

Your close friends will be able to see things you may have missed. He might be checking out other women when you look away, or hitting on your friends! He might pick his nose every time he turns his head, who knows? Your friends will help you and it can be very telling. Your friends can also be the bad guys and hit him with the tough questions you should avoid at this early stage:

“Hey Jeff, so what’s your deal, why have you never been married? Are you a player?”

I tell women to formulate a plan with specific questions to interview your date. You can always say to him later, “Don’t listen to Kim. She’s a bit protective of me.”

Get him drunk.

This might be a little alternative, but it works! Alcohol is like a man’s truth serum. Use it! The key is for you to stay sober. Join him when he is drunk with his friends already. If he is drunk alone, not good. What is he like? Does he want to fight everyone? Does he want to have sex with you and announce it to the world? Does he jump into a dumpster like some idiot?

Oh, the knowledge which can be gained by a twelve-pack and 3 shots of Cuervo! Invaluable!

You want to see a man who is cool when he has had a few too many. Ideally, you want a man who rarely has a few too many. He should be responsible, respectable and show no demons.

Covertly.

Looking through a guy’s medicine cabinet and peeking here and there are things women do all of the time, and I don’t blame you. Men are usually bad about hiding stuff from women—they don’t cover their tracks very well. They leave their cell phones hanging around and think the bathroom is for taking a pee and blowing farts. Car storage compartments?—Viagra and lube for potential car sex. Computer history?—Porn sites. You get my point? Within these different areas is a plethora of information!

If you see athletes foot medication in the drawer—no big deal. But when multiple cases of condoms and a Japanese swing appear in his apartment? Run. And remember, you didn’t get this snooping idea from me!

By following the steps above, your baggage will smell sweet. His baggage will be strewn all over the place for you to see. Then you can decide if this is your future man or not!