A recent study following the marriages of 124 childless Seattle-area couples—can you imagine a more ultra-hip or caffeinated demographic?—reports the not so earth-shattering finding that “couples who escalate a fight are much more likely to divorce.”
Everybody say duh-huh. Anybody who’s ever spent more than twenty-five minutes in a laundromat watching a couple fight over who’s got dibs on the Donkey Kong knows that. On second thought, maybe you had to be there.
Researchers at the University of Washington tracked these Seattle chic for six years and guess what? They found out that men hate it when women whine and women hate it when men breathe with that funny in and out motion.
Or something like that.
They also found that most arguments started when the wife presented a problem. This is because most men would rather gnaw off their arms and legs and THEN go shopping for new drapes and sheers than pick a fight.
The fact is, if men would stop doing boneheaded things, it would make it easier on us women. No longer would we have to waste our little college-educated brains on subjects like how, OF COURSE, the toilet paper has to flow from the front of the roll, not the back where it touches the wall and can get, well, icky.
It would help, too, if men would just stop going to the grocery store. Men are very fond of saying how good they are at grocery shopping. No they’re not. I guarantee that if you ask a man-type husband to pick up some “milk, hamburger buns, and OJ,” nine out of ten will come home with a “reduced for quick sale and, frankly, because we can’t stand the smell anymore” chuck roast, two packs of Skittles, and a large container of Goo Gone.
Lists, after all, are for girly-men.
The researchers reported that the biggest lesson to be learned from the study was that the way couples begin a discussion about a problem is crucial.
CORRECT: “Sweetheart, it upsets me when you come home so late. I miss our time together and I’m sure you do, too.”
INCORRECT: “Hey, Loser Boy, I’m changing the locks if you’re late one more night. Oh, and you can just forget about that kidney I said I’d give you.”
CORRECT: “Puddin’, I value our partnership and I enjoy being able to plan together how we spend our fun money.”
INCORRECT: “Oh, great. You’ve wasted another fifty bucks on computer software and a new joystick so you can pretend for a few short hours to be something other than the pathetic, unemployed weirdo that you are in real life.”
Another groundbreaking finding from six years of taxpayer-funded bedroom peeking? Contempt can be detrimental to a marriage.
This comes under the heading of Things That Are Painfully Obvious, like that commercial for NBC’s Later Today show which says—and I am not making this up—“It’s like Today only later.”
Sure glad they could clear that one up.
I told my husband that I thought that commercial was stupid but he isn’t speaking to me since that kidney thing.
Men.