Okay, let’s see if I have this straight. That whole thing about how listening to Mozart will make your kid smarter turned out to be just a bunch of hooey?
The newest research shows that the so-called “Mozart Effect” may have been, uh, overstated. In actual fact, there’s no real evidence that listening to classical music does anything for your brain one way or the other.
This means that all those months I was sitting there with headphones strapped to either side of my belly pouring piano sonatas into my unborn baby’s developing little brain LIKE SOME KIND OF IDIOT, I might as well have been making her listen to Howard Stern.
Here I thought I was raising a little Einstein and what I’m going to end up with is Jethrine.
Have mercy.
Now we learn that the famous 1993 research that showed IQ points jumping like cheerleaders on steroids after listening to Mozart was about as reliable as a Yugo.
The researchers’ response? Oh. My bad.
No, no, no. Not good enough. It was bad enough when “they” told us to give up eggs, creating a nation dependent on (ugh) Egg Beaters, then said eggs weren’t really all that bad for you and could even be good for you. (At a press conference, I believe the one-word statement was “Psych!”) Ditto red wine, butter (better for you than margarine, they say) and, even in moderation, killer popcorn. Forget about being scared senseless by some Blair Witch. We were frightened enough just by the fat grams in that tub o’ corn we bought at the concession stand. Now THAT was living dangerously.
And sunscreen? We lathered up in the stuff then found out it contained PABA (stands for Practically All Bad and Awful), which could make sunbathing even more dangerous than going without any sunscreen at all. So now we have to make sure our sunscreen is PABA-free, odorless, colorless, and completely invisible to the naked eye, not to mention packaged in shrink wraps and safety seals that leave you sputtering in frustration until you just throw the bottle in the sand and cancel your whole vacation.
For more than two years now, I’ve subjected my toddler to Mozart while, at tremendous personal sacrifice, banishing my beloved Led Zeppelin, Boston, Traffic, Cream, and even the artist formerly known as Give Me A Freakin’ Break CDs to the top of the hall closet, right alongside a still-in-the-box Thighmaster and some Flashdance leg warmers that I just know will come back in style someday.
Of course, I’m not the only one who’s feeling a little foolish these days. South Dakota, Georgia, and Tennessee all voted to spend tax dollars on classical CDs given free to every new mother at hospitals in those states.
I suppose now the only thing they can do as responsible legislators is quickly counteract with free Marilyn Manson CDs.
The point is, we must not believe what “they” tell us anymore, but rather, go with our gut. To paraphrase a ’sixties anthem: “Mozart: What is it good for? Hoomph! Absolutely nuthin’. Say it again!”