The fashion industry just wrapped up its nine-day fall show in New York. Imagine it. Nine days of learning what “they” have decided we’re going to look great in this fall. What’s that you say? You’re still checking the clearance rounders for bargains from LAST fall? How positively plebeian of you.
Maybe you didn’t have time to check out the designers’ shows last week because you were busy registering the kids for kindergarten and spending your spare time trying to dig up proof they’d been born and even vaccinated.
Not to worry. While you were busy living your mundane little life, the fashion industry’s forecasters have been busy pulling together reports that will keep you looking trendy this fall. Even those of you who still say Tommy HilFINGER and haven’t taken those stupid icicle lights off your house yet.
I love to listen to fashion types because they tend to speak in third person, a la erectile dysfunction poster-dude Bob “Bob” Dole and WWF darling “The Rock” (who, incidentally, has written a best-selling biography that details his life from when he was just a pebble.) They’re also, well, self-important. Consider designer Yeohlee Teng’s promise to “forge a path away from today’s fashion omni-trends, mega-mergers, and inside politics.” Hey, it’s just a blouse with flowers on it, but maybe I’m missing something.
The other funny thing about fashion folks is that they don’t mind sounding stupid; in fact, they embrace it with a throaty ha-ha-ha and a toss of their $500 blow-outs. (And you thought it was a big deal when you bought REAL Paul Mitchell down at the Kut ‘n’ Kurl). One fashion guru was quoted as saying that “black was an ’eighties look and not so interesting but now the ’eighties are interesting.” Well, alrighty then.
The official fashion world word is that black is going to very BIG this fall, but mostly as background for camel, brown, and green. Or you can just wear black by itself. Neutrals will be big but so will electric, vibrant colors such as blue, fuchsia, and bright reds. In other words, just wear whatever the heck you want because it’s all, to borrow a phrase from the finally fabulous ’eighties, “smurfy.”
I think most fashion designers are crazier than an outhouse rat, myself. How else do you explain dresses that are more holes than fabric or stockings that are purposely ripped worn with exposed garter belts?
The only thing more amusing than the runway designs is the fawning fashion press. Consider one journalist’s description of a brown skirt and shirt as a genius notion from a “minimalist designer known for her cerebral exercises.”
Reckon she’d really go nuts over my MATCHING navy blue Hanes for Her sweatpants and sweatshirt. I’m chic and minimalist and all the time I thought I was just tacky and po’.
Sadly, most of us won’t get to wear those de la Renta red vinyl halter tops and mink miniskirts “they” have designed for us. Too chilly when you’re hanging out in the freezer case buying Kid Cuisine, don’t you know.