I just wanted to buy a birthday card.
But have you ever tried to walk into a card shop, march up to the “birthday” section, pick one out, and pay for it in under five hours?
It can’t be done. Your office will dispatch a search party and there they’ll find you, elbowing the person next to you, saying, “Read this one.”
Part of the problem is that there is a greeting card for every imaginable condition.
It was hard to find a plain birthday card because I had to wade through cards labeled, “We’ve Just Broken Up,” “Secret Pal,” “Secret Pal—Identity Revealed,” “Now That You Know I’m Gay,” and I suspect somewhere in there, “Surprise! I’m Your Secret Pal AND I’m Gay.”
There were separate cards for golfers, joggers, bridge players, cyclists, computer nerds, insurance salesmen, lawyers, single parents, and People Under Stress.
There was even one category labeled “I’m Glad You’re My Doctor.”
Personally, I think $200 for a thirty-minute office visit is thanks enough. Believe I’ll skip the card.
And, speaking of doctors, there’s a card labeled “So You’ve Had A Hysterectomy.”
As usual, it’s okay to have cards like that for women, but don’t hold your breath for the male equivalent: “So! Your Prostate is the Size of A Buick!” Or for the man who has had a vasectomy, “Because You’re Shooting Blanks…”
It’s comforting that greeting card manufacturers can help those of us who have trouble, you know, uh, well, saying stuff that, you know, says stuff about feelings and stuff.
Take the “We’ve Just Broken Up” line. On one card there was a long-winded ode to the “beauty of a relationship that was tender but not forever.”
Excuse me, but don’t you think it’s a little strange to break up with someone and then send them a goony card with rainbows and unicorns all over it? I prefer a more direct approach: “Because you dumped me, I’m gone go up side your haid!”
And what of the bizarre category of cards labeled “Thanks for Covering for Me.”
Who do you send this one to? Your buddy who lied to your wife and said you were playing pool at his house instead of hanging out at Hooters quaffing pitchers and wearing the Hooter Girls’ orange shorts on your head?
What’s the thinking behind the “Marriage (Special)” section, which contained a card that read in part: “Our marriage may not be exactly like everyone else’s but that’s okay.”
What does this mean? Is one of you inflatable?
If you take a look at greeting card sections, you’ll discover friendship isn’t as simple as it used to be. There are many tiers of friendship: Friend, College Friend, Special Friend, Friend in Need, Bowling Friend, Lifelong Friend, Wonderful Friend, and Sorry I Haven’t Written Friend.
This last might be one to buy if you’ve been out of touch because you’re still steamed that the last card you got was a Friend card and you really thought you were more of a Wonderful Friend.
Or it could be you haven’t written lately because you’ve been too busy writing your dogs and cats. There are actually greeting cards for “My Wonderful Cat” and to “My Friend’s Dog.”
The day I start mailing cards to my cats is the day I’ll deserve to be on the receiving end of one other category of card I saw: “Now That You’re In Therapy.”