Some loser in our office just posted a notice for a mandatory workshop on “Fighting Negative Attitudes in the Workplace.”
It probably costs too much and lasts all day, and even though they say you’ll be out by four P.M., these things never end on time and the traffic will be so bad you’ll wish you’d never gone in the first place.
Plus the food usually tastes like it was catered by the nursing home and just your luck to get paired at lunch with a moron who thinks “fixin’s” is a vegetable.
Hope that doesn’t sound too negative, but journalists tend to be curmudgeons in the womb.
A former coworker who went to work for a bigger newspaper said she can hardly get anything done because of the paper’s constant touchy-feely seminars and “trust exercises.”
Recently, she had to spend an entire Saturday in the wilderness doing things like learning to trust coworkers to catch her if she allowed herself to fall backward. Why should you expect a coworker who hasn’t caught a typo since LBJ was in the White House to catch your tumbling, trusting little body?
This is so stupid.
The workshop literature promises to help you recognize the early warning signs of low morale and excessive negativity in your office.
Who needs a workshop? I’ve got my own TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS OF EXCESSIVE WORKPLACE NEGATIVITY.
If your workplace has any one of these telltale signs, you may have a significant negativity problem:
No. 10: Christmas party planning committee frittered away money on ergonomic wrist rests instead of hiring Stripping Santa.
No. 9: Annual company picnic features popular “Stab the Boss in the Eye” booth.
No. 8: Colors for company softball team are black and black.
No. 7: When new employee arrives at first staff meeting with list of innovative ideas, surly coworkers toss him into “that shredding gizmo beside the copier.”
No. 6: Employees’ voice mail replaces cheery catch-all “I am either away from my desk or answering another call” with “I’m here, but I’m not answering my phone today because You People Make Me Sick.”
No. 5: Two words: early retirement.
No. 4: Fax machine actually used for business correspondence instead of sending those funny little obscene drawings showing the back side of Mount Rushmore to friends in offices across the country.
No. 3: No one laughs anymore when portly coworker shouts “Look! I can make my stomach look like a butt!” while squeezing either side toward the middle.
No. 2: Bit o’ Honey bars replaced by Prozac in employee lounge vending machine.
And the No. 1 sign there may be low morale and too much negativity in your workplace:
Coworkers stubbornly refuse to replenish coffee supplies because “we’re all going to die anyway.”
If the seminar reveals that you have excess negativism, they will help you develop something called “learned optimism,” which I am not sure but believe involves hooking up your brain to little electrodes and forcing you to watch The Sound of Music. Every time you have a negative thought about any of those little Von Claptrap kids, it shocks you.
Another concept the workshop will help you with is called “flexible optimism.” (This is not to be confused with “flexible benefits” offered by some companies and also known as “cafeteria” plans. The difference is that with flexible benefits programs, you do not get those little cubes of lime Jell-O like you do in the “cafeteria” plan.)
After reading through this, it occurs to me that I might be a tad too negative for my own good. Maybe this seminar is really a good idea. I think I’ll go. If it doesn’t rain, which it probably will…