I pulled into the garage at top speed, almost bumping into a car I didn’t recognize parked by our curb. My mind was racing after that kiss. I’d imagined this moment in my head, fantasized about my first kiss, but then when it had happened, I’d completely freaked out. Especially because it had been with Jake and his hands had been touching my body like that. I jumped out of the car just as my phone beeped.
JAKE: Are you okay?
My fingers shook as I typed back.
LORI: Fine. Sorry. Had to go
JAKE: Are you sure?
LORI: Yup. Sure.
JAKE: I’m sorry about what happened. I hope I didn’t offend you or . . .
JAKE: Actually, what did just happen?
Oh crap. I didn’t know what to say to him. I’d wanted Jake to kiss me, and then it had happened and it had felt so damn good, until those voices started gnawing away at me, poking the fires of self-doubt until they raged so big and bright inside me. He must think I was absolutely mad. I was just about to start typing when a message from him came in.
JAKE: I’m sorry
JAKE: I shouldn’t have done that
JAKE: You made it VERY clear you weren’t interested in me in that way, and I shouldn’t have done that
JAKE: Sorry
JAKE: Will you forgive me?
I gaped at his message. I could feel and see the very thing I’d wanted so badly being yanked away from me, and I had no one else to blame but myself.
LORI: All forgiven
I typed quickly then slipped my phone into my pocket. I grabbed my bag of spray paints and rushed into the house, still soaking wet, and ran straight for the hot tub room on the roof to stash them. I didn’t want anyone to find them in my bedroom. I pushed the door open and when I did . . .
“Whaaaat? What? What? What?” was all I could manage as I stared at my mother in the hot tub. She wasn’t alone.
“Lori! I thought you were out for the night.”
I dropped my bag of paints to the floor. They landed with a thud, adding an auditory exclamation mark to this moment.
“I came back, Mom. I mean . . . what the hell are you—”
And then I saw him, and just when I thought my shock levels couldn’t skyrocket any more, I pointed a shaking finger at him.
“You! How did you? Why are you? What the hell are you doing in the hot tub with my mother?”
“You know him?” my mother asked, she looked so shocked that I swear, I think I saw her eyebrows actually move. She was so shocked she broke her Botox.
“Xander is my school counselor,” I said flatly.
My mom turned to the man in the hot tub. “I thought you said you were a motivational speaker?”
“Really, Mom? Really? Is that what you got out of that statement?”
“Your Tinder profile says motivational speaker,” she continued.
“He is,” I barked. “He got bitten by a shark or some crap and wrote a book. I have a copy if you want to borrow it. . . . It’s autographed,” I said sarcastically.
My mom buried her head in her hands, and I wondered if this is what my dad had done all those years ago when my mom had caught him in the hot tub. God, my family was dysfunctional. We hadn’t always been this way. I’m sure we were happy and normal once, but that seemed so long ago that maybe I’d just imagined it.
“Lori, I didn’t know that he worked at your school, if I had I would never have—”
“That is such crap, Mom! Of course you would have. Because you don’t care about anyone else but yourself. If Xander over there”—I pointed—“had been carrying blue and white BWH pom-poms and wearing a shirt that read ‘Bay Water High’ I doubt you would have been put off. Seriously.” I turned around and held my head. “And here I thought you were trying to be a real mom again . . .” I stopped talking as something painful dawned on me. “Oh, wait. This is why you told me to go out. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you and what you wanted.”
There was a pause. A strange beat and then Xander started climbing out of the water.
“Oh no.” I averted my eyes, I didn’t want to see him in his swimsuit.
“Lori, I understand you must be feeling very confused, and even angry right now. Those are very, very real emotions and I’m sure—”
“Don’t.” I pointed a finger at him. “Don’t do that. I have my own psychologist.”
“You know, when that shark bit me at first I felt totally traumatized.”
I threw my arms in the air. “Will you shut up about the bloody shark!”
“Everyone has a shark in their life, Lori, and we all have to overcome its bite.”
“What the hell?” I screamed out at the universe. “Has the world gone mad?”
My mother stood up now. “I’m allowed to date, Lori. I am a sensual woman in my prime and I—”
“No!” I held my hand up to stop her talking. “Don’t go there. Please!”
“There is nothing to be ashamed about, having a healthy sexu—”
“La-la-la!” I put my hands over my ears. I didn’t want to know about my mother’s sex life. Ever. I would rather hell froze over.
“Lori!” she shouted. “I’m trying to talk to you.” She paused and eyed me up and down. “Besides, look at you, you’re sopping wet. Maybe I should ask what you’ve been up to?”
I burst out laughing. “Now you’re trying to talk to me like a mother. What happened to go out and do whatever?” I continued to laugh; it was a hysterical, panicked laugh that soon turned into a tearless sob. I looked from my mother to Xander, and then I just grabbed my paints and ran back to my car.
I was driving, again. I’d never just driven like this in Joburg. I guess I’d never felt such a need to get away from it all. But the driving did little to distance me from all the feelings; in fact, I was just lugging them along with me. I went up Chapman’s Peak, the long road that took you around the mountain was supposed to be the most beautiful part of Cape Town. But I was struggling to see any beauty in this place anymore. After driving aimlessly for an hour, I decided to head back. I couldn’t run from this forever, but as I headed back, I saw it . . . my mother.
She was smiling down at me from a giant billboard, and it pissed me off. Her face blocked the view behind her, to the sea and the mountain, and I’d never wanted to unsee anything more in my entire life. It pissed me off so much that when the traffic light turned green on this dark, empty street, I didn’t pull away. Instead, I parked my car and stared at her, our eyes locked in an intense death stare. And then I nodded at her, because I knew what needed to happen. I grabbed my bag of paints and Jake’s BWH cap, and climbed out of the car.