47

WhatsApp Group: How You Doin’???

ANDILE: OMG, how gorgeous is that photo of you?

LORI: Thanks

GUY: Serious, how amazing do you look?

LORI: Okay, brace yourselves . . . because you won’t believe it

LORI: I am going to the dance

GUY: With JAKE?!?!

ANDILE: OMG!

LORI: No, not with him. With Thembi

LORI: Her boyfriend was cheating on her

ANDILE: As they always do

GUY: Don’t bring your crap into this Andile

LORI: What crap? What happened?

ANDILE: Well Mr. “I’m not gay” had another “I’m not gay” fling with Trevor

LORI: The saxophone player???

GUY: I am so tempted to say something about blowing a horn, but I won’t!

LORI: Ha-hah! You just did!

ANDILE: Can we stop mocking my broken heart here and get back to the story please

LORI: Okay. Sorry. So Thembi broke up with the douchebag, so we said we would go together

GUY: When is the dance?

LORI: This Friday

GUY: Interesting . . .

LORI: What?

GUY: Will Jake be there?

LORI: Probably

My phone beeped while I was texting.

LORI: Hang on, it’s him

GUY: Ooooh

LORI:

JAKE: Hey

I checked Jake’s message.

My heart fluttered and I felt an instant blush.

LORI: Hi

JAKE: Nice Insta post

LORI: Thanks

There was a lull in the conversation, and I watched the little typing dots start and stop over and over again. I held my breath, waiting for the message that didn’t seem to come. And then when it did I felt disappointment.

JAKE: Did you see the pics from Natasha’s vigil?

LORI: I was there

JAKE: You did that

JAKE: You made the whole city come together like that

LORI: You helped

JAKE: Barely . . . that was all you

LORI: Thanks

There was another lull and I could feel him wanting to say something, and me wanting to say something and neither of us saying anything and then . . .

JAKE: You look beautiful

JAKE: In your post

My heart thumped in my chest.

LORI: Thanks

JAKE: Is that for dance?

LORI: Um, sort of. I guess

JAKE: Sort of?

LORI: Well, I wasn’t going to go, but Thembi broke up with her BF and so we’re going together

JAKE: Oh

JAKE: So you have a date then?

LORI: Well, it’s Thembi

JAKE: I thought you weren’t going to go?

JAKE: I thought dances weren’t your thing?

LORI: Well, I wasn’t

JAKE: And now you are?

LORI: Yes

JAKE: With Thembi?

LORI: Well, yes

LORI: And you, are you going with Amber?

JAKE: NO

JAKE: What makes you think that?

LORI: You said it at Kirstenbosch

JAKE: I said she asked me. Not that I was going with her

LORI: Well, I mean, you can

JAKE: I know I can, maybe I don’t want to go with her

LORI: You don’t?

Another lull pushed its way into our conversation and I sat there shaking my head. What was happening? It felt like this conversation was sliding somewhere and I didn’t know how to stop it. He seemed angry, the tone of his messages short and sharp. After a while he finally typed.

JAKE: I’ll probably go on my own . . .

Dot, dot, dot. Again. Crap! I wished that somewhere out there was a guide to interpreting all these dots. What did they mean? So I did the only thing I could think of.

LORI: . . .

JAKE: ?

LORI: ?

JAKE: Huh?

LORI: Okay

I said it, although I didn’t know what I was saying okay to.

JAKE: Okay?

LORI: Cool

LORI: I got to go. I’m on another chat

JAKE: Cool

LORI: Bye

I lowered my phone. That conversation had confused the hell out of me, and I felt like I needed someone to weigh in on it, so I took some screen grabs and sent them to the guys.

ANDILE: OMG, are you blind?

ANDILE: He was asking you to go with him to the dance

LORI: No he wasn’t

ANDILE: Uh . . . yes he was

GUY: He was very clearly hinting. Not very well. But that’s guys for you. They suck at hinting

LORI: I don’t think so

LORI: Not after what happened

ANDILE: ?

LORI: We kind of kissed

ANDILE: What? Tell us

LORI: I don’t know. It just happened . . .

LORI: And then I sort of ran away

GUY: Why?

LORI: IDK. IDK. I guess . . . I felt . . . IDK!

GUY: That’s a lot of IDKs. Which leads me to believe you really like him?!

ANDILE: She obviously likes him

ANDILE: And now she needs to message him right back and ask him to the dance

LORI: I can’t do that

GUY: Why, you’re a hot, cool chick, asking a hot, cool dude to the dance—who you already kissed

LORI: IDK

GUY: Stop saying IDK

I put my phone down. I was confused. Hang on, had I just done that again? My inner insecurities screamed so loudly at me because I may have just turned down an invitation to the summer dance with Jake. Was he even inviting me? I reread our strange message exchange three times to see if I had missed something. But I still wasn’t sure.

I took a deep breath and lowered my fingers to the phone. I could ask him, though, right? As friends, obviously. He could come with Thembi and me. Three friends going to a dance together. Platonic. I typed the message to him slowly, carefully choosing every single word. I read it over and over again, but just as I was about to press Send, I chickened out.

I sighed and lay back down on my bed. Clearly it was going to take more than drawing some shapes on my body and wearing a pretty dress to fix me. My confidence had waned again. I tried to grab it back, but the grains had left my fingers and were slipping away again. Why was this something that was so hard to hold on to? It was so hard to find, and when you had it, you’d think you would clutch onto it as if it was the most precious thing in the world.