Guess what I heard out in the yard today? ‘You know what the three most dangerous things in the world are? A spade with a gun, a spic with a knife, and a Greek with sneakers on!’ Ha, ha, ha. Now I’m sorry to hear Eddie’s accused you of something as stupid as ripping him off, he should know you better than that. I know how you feel about working for him, but just tell him to give you some samples, then sell them if you have to. Tell him some Bros here know his whole scene. Some heavy Bros. If he says he won’t do it for you, tell him I’m gonna find out about it. If you have to go that far. Don’t say I told you this. Just see what he does. A guy got tossed off the second tier here this morning. Split his head from the top of his scalp to the back of his neck. The dumb son of a bitch just stood there looking at me, blood pouring down his face. ‘Dude,’ I said, ‘you don’t know it, but you better get your ass over to the infirmary muy pronto ’cause you’re dying.’ He was just standing there all steamed-up, looking to kill someone, you know. Now that’s a guy to stay away from. Too damn stupid for his own good.
No, ’cause I’m a lot stronger than that. Really a lot stronger, and I will not fall back into drugs and drug life all of which, well, as for Eddie, he’s only into controlling other people, he could care less about anything else. I told him, ‘No, I did not take your goddamn blow!’ As soon as he makes a bunch more money he’ll forget all about it. The only way I’d go to him now, I’d consider it because of the money situation ’cause Ter is spending it as fast as she makes it. And right now we have none. So I figure if I turn over, say, maybe an ounce or two, we can make this month’s rent. But thinking about it, I think maybe our chances are better in Reno. It’s just let’s see how the money goes. A person can always fall back, but I don’t want to. You know when you smoke gram after gram, when you smoke five or six grams in a night you know you’ve got a problem. Like a gram in a half-hour? Now I’ve learned something, a big, big something. There was a night here with Ter, and I got her zoned-up, which wasn’t any big deal to me ’cause I don’t get half as high as she does, my tolerance is just so much higher than hers, but, anyways, she zoned half of what I did, and got so fried and weirded out, like yelling at me about things that weren’t even close to being true, and things that were just so nasty that I looked at her and thought, ‘Man, it’s doing the same thing to me, but I don’t see it, you know, I just don’t see it,’ and, you know, that’s when I pretty well decided that was the end of it for me. Now I’ve had to disassociate myself completely. And that means with all the people, too, including both Ter and Eddie ’n whoever else, which isn’t so hard, you know, because as soon as they see you’re not into it they stop coming around. Now I could go back over there to Ed’s, say, and sure, I could have maybe a hit or two, but what’s really gonna freak them out is me telling them, ‘No, I don’t want any, I don’t need it, thanks a lot, but right now I’m just happy being me, okay?’
Look, Ese’, yus burns a vato like your man Edwardo there, Ese’, yus bet your ass he’ll catch yus on the rebound, man. He’s a vato, Ese’, now hain’t he? Now he’s a smart vato, too, so it be nothin’ violent. He’s not that kinda vato. He’s too smarts for that, but no one gets him, right? To use violence on yus, that’s to admit yus gots him, right? Yeah? Well, like going after you leetle Amigita, for one – tha’ leetle hoodrat that’s been climbin’ all over yus in the Day Room. Wha’ her name, HoAnna, right? HoAnn? Well, think abouts it, Ese’. Like maybe by getting her together with someone else, Ese’. Yus ever think of that? Yus think tha’ can’t be done?
Some ladies are like that. They’ll do anything with anybody. They can’t help it. And it’s a good thing to find out, too. People’ll say there’s a real nice person in there, you know, inside of them, but maybe not. An’ maybe there’s a reason why not. You know, like maybe no one takes them seriously, you know. Or they’ve been fucked over, ’cause maybe their brain is too small or their ass’s too big, right? So maybe that’s why so many of them are out there getting stoned. There’s a lot of ’em like that out there, lots of time on their hands, out there just looking for what to do. It makes for good business. And, hey, you know how hard it is to start out from nothing? You know, like when you’re taking a bike up over a hill, just gunning it, and going on up there, riding like your balls are on fire, ’n you hit the fuckin’ crest and then you’ve gone airborne and don’t even know what’s on the other side, an’ it’s jus frickin’: ‘Ahh- hhhhhhhhhhh!?’ Well, it’s like that for them, too. They don’t know what’s gonna happen. So they just go for it. But listen, you know what my religion is? It’s jus’ plain ol’ fucking, man; plain pure ’n simple. That’s where it’s at. You can ask any of my ladies. They all know they can have it any time they want it. All they gotta do is ask. And with this older chick I know? Why I keep going back to her? I guess ’cause she’s like some kinda sexual genius. Like I might go there a couple of weeks from now, or maybe next week, or maybe even tomorrow ’cause she’s, well, she just dangles you, man, I mean like holding a palm out, wiggling her fingers toward herself to call you in, then, as you get close, putting up her other palm in front of her face to stop you. I mean like I might even sort a’ be in love with this one, see. Now my policy has always been to get respect, give respect. And if I don’t get it? Hell, I can shout just as loud as the next guy ’n kick ass just as hard. But her, she don’t even try to get respect. She don’t give a fuck what kinda bullshit you’re trying to run, so you gotta respect her. She makes you respect her. Hell, I might even truck on up to Nevada, you know, where she is now. Reno, right? Just talking about it makes me think about it, you know, getting my little ol’ Johnson on outa here…
I’ve been thinking real hard about all this crap, Jac, and the doc here says he always knows who the psychos are, the first ones to jump up, shake your hand and give you a smile. He says guys who’re trying to help themselves are the guys who keep back to themselves cause they’re working on their problems themselves. Now that makes sense, and that’s why I haven’t been writing you that much. I haven’t had that much to say that makes sense. So what I do want to say is this – I think we should be good to each other, kind to each other, loving to each other. That’s the way I want to be living my life with you. I now think that’s the only way to live life. I think we both want to be good and loving, even when we aren’t. That is my thinking. Now the problem is making that thinking come true. Do you think something like that is possible between the two of us?
Dearest Love, I’d like to bring it to your attention that I’ve been having tidings in the pit of my stomach. I wish you hadn’t said you felt I was pregnant. I’ve been scared ever since. I wish you would tell me why you think so. It really does bother me. I’m scared to have a baby. What if I died or got sick or it died? Oh, Boy, it’s gonna hurt, too! You can ask Cheryl! I’m glad you called. What’s going on? I was so happy to hear your voice I think I feel a little better. I wish you were here right now so I could kiss your sugar lips but I wish you were not because you’re there to get yourself straightened out and to make things better for us. I hope you’re not mad at me for some of the things I said before. Like I said, I don’t want to be lonely, I’d rather be loved and needed and depended on, Honey, that’s all I ask.
Three days, John Boy, then the fourth day woke up with blood all over hell – chin, neck, pillow, sheets. Scared to get up, but made it to the sink and damn near filled it. Musta thrown up near a pint or more. Didn’t know what it was. Was just as weak as a kitten. All I could think was cancer of the lung. I made it out to the couch and lay there. Marge was already up, getting ready to go to work. Told her I was sick and not to go into the bedroom but she musta thought I was dogging it cause she never said I’ll take you to the hospital and left for work. The R.V. was still outside, but I knew I was too lightheaded to drive, but had to do something so I got up and walked to the hospital. They gave me a shot of something, plus a little white cup of pink fluid to drink, and sent me home. Pneumonia is what they said. This left lung collapsed on me. I musta slept the next couple of days out. I don’t remember nothing there. Then was still coughing out blood, but only little flecks and Sunday was finally able to smoke a whole cigarette and Monday smoked three. Then was checked out again, Doc said he wanted to check for cancer. I haven’t gone back to hear the results. For right now I’d rather not know. They found I’ve got some good-sized gallstones to come out, but otherwise I’m all right but haven’t got my usual energy back so I’ve laid off trying to work for a spell and no more drinking.
Women’s libber? Me? Are you kidding me? Hell, no, I’m no women’s libber, but I believe in rights, all right, I believe in heart rights, equal heart-to-heart rights! I mean no more give and give, I want give and get! I’m sick of this give, give, give. I’ve had it with give, give, give. Like with this last man? Now he is a man and takes what he wants, he’s not afraid of that, but then he never keeps anything either, which isn’t so strong when you think about it. In fact I know it isn’t. What is strong is the sex, though. The sex is outa this world, you gotta say that. He’ll turn you on in a whole bunch of ways, ’n have you thinking how incredible it all can be, then snap your head around by saying things like he really does understand your need for your own life and a chance to be by yourself in your search for self-independence, good shit like which means, when you think about it, that he’s leaving, right, and you’re supposed to be all happy and cheering while he’s sliding on out the door. Yeah, ha, ha, the backdoor, and then talking about it with my sis, she says it’s all my own fault, I’m letting him walk all over me. ‘Well,’ I say, ‘I’m in love.’ ‘In love?’ ‘Well, love is fucked,’ she says, ‘love is just one person loving ’n the other person just taking that love, that’s what love is.’ And I say, ‘It isn’t; it’s two people trying with each other.’ ‘Well,’ she says, ‘try a little harder; try telling him to take a hike. Tell him you and John are gonna get back together. Tell him, ‘Hey, you’ve had your shot.’ Tell him, ‘Hey, I hear what you say, ’n I see what you do.’ So I did. Face to face, too. Didn’t back off an inch. Which was just great. Like he couldn’t even believe it, you know. So who knows? And I’ve gotta say I’m feeling pretty good lately, I like the way things feel. Like even with John. Seems he’s getting his head on pretty straight lately, he’s said some pretty sincere things lately. Of course, no one writes love letters like prison love letters, I know that, but this time no one’s gonna help him out except himself and I think he sees it. Hey, I don’t rule it out. When he’s thirty-six he should be coming around! Yeah, maybe thirty-six! Hey, we’ve been going along in spurts since I was sixteen. First him, then me, then him again. See what I mean? Now alls I need is a Tampax and a ride outa town, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Gunner isn’t with us anymore and Earle isn’t over the loss yet. That’s one reason I thought a different house would help. Frosty had to be taken to the Vet’s because he developed cystitis just like Pepsi had. Frosty wasn’t as sick but was peeing pure blood. He’s better now, but neither one of the cats can have dry food anymore. Seems it contains too much ash content for their kidneys. Lejo, though, is still the same little weak-eyes lover she’s always been and there is a new addition. When we moved here the new yard had a very skinny boy kitten in it. We vowed not to feed it but Pucksters and Pepsi shared their meals with it so now there is Angel Baby who is just like his name. He is a little white and gray-striped tabby. It is really funny to see Lejo try to make up to it. She still doesn’t know that cats and dogs don’t mix. Poor Angel Baby, he gets all sorts of unwanted attention. Actually Pucksters and the new addition are the better friends of the four. Frosty is back to his old self of chasing certain cats around the neighborhood. When we first brought him here he wouldn’t come out of the back porch for two weeks. He hid himself on one of the lower shelves and the only way he would was if I’d coax him with food and then only if he was hungry. Lejo decided under my bed was the only place she felt safe in. She stayed there a week, never leaving the bed except to stay glued to my leg and foot if I was home which I have been. Pepsi was her usual peppy cat self and adapted right away. She investigated the yard, the back porch, the house, and seemed right at home, something I’m not yet. I gave the large aquarium to the man who lived on Pine St. behind us. He promised to take good care of it and the fish and Hamburger went, too. It was really sort of sad but I knew I couldn’t move them this far and expect them to live and they had such a hard life before, I felt they deserved the chance. He and his daughter moved them and came back to tell me all went well. Since the man and girl were so happy to receive them I felt better. I do wonder how they are doing, especially Hamburger and Little Tiger Barb and Three Spot. The pretty blue one didn’t survive the long haul, though. I just wish there was something I could tell you that would sink in and make you a productive citizen again. I don’t have the talent or I’d make the effort. You are the only one in the family that is carrying on the family name and are making a mess of the opportunity. I know that sounds harsh, but what you are doing to yourself is more harsh. When a child is born with all the breaks you had it does seem rather hopeless when he determines to ruin himself and all those he knows for the sake of what I will never know. And by breaks I mean things like having a healthy body and mind, the very essentials of being a person with no problems attached, such as not being able to walk, talk, see or hear, or having some part of your body retarded from birth. You started out with a clean slate and as soon as you were old enough to be responsible for it you proceeded to muddy it. Oh, almost forgot to tell you that the State sent you a letter here to find out your thoughts about the Work-Release Program. Are you getting out on the Work-Release? They actually wrote twice since we last saw you! Also, you got a letter asking you for jury duty. Seems this world is pretty big after all and the officials of government just don’t get together on some things. I’m sure you’re not eligible for jury duty, not even in the future. Earle says that I will need my car back real soon, and for you to think about it. He’s not a mean man, Johnny, no matter what you think, and says we’ll be up to see you in a few weeks if that’s what you want. I gave the girl a little Bible to give you. Did you get it? She certainly was nice with good manners for so young a girl. She wanted to know the kinds of food you liked. Isn’t her mother Martha McKinnon? Although I don’t know what her last name is now. It certainly could be something else. I knew Martha back when she was sorting strawberries out at Lorca’s in Oxnard. She was always a wild thing. I’d heard she finally married a guy after having an abortion in high school but that was years ago. You know I’ve never been real fond of Jackie and know how she’s treated you. Just like my own mother always said Bud wasn’t good enough for me, I suppose, and maybe she was right, but I never broke the law over it, and even when we had our fights neither did he. Because I believe in the law because we are all brothers and sisters and the law is there to show us that we’re all bound together. Smarter people than us have made the law, Johnny. A person with no kind of rules is not the kind of person other people look up to. People look up to a person who knows the rights of others. You must stop this fighting and drugging and getting mad, Johnny. You are not a kid anymore. That that marriage is over with is the best news I’ve heard in a long time. When you marry a person you should marry them for life, and not be with a person who is going to run around on you with every Tom, Dick and Harry who comes along. I hope you have enough sense to stay away from her, no matter what she says, and you better help those kids before you get yourself all tied up again with this young, pretty girl. They are your kids. I remember the last time when you got out and said you were so grateful that me and Earle were so wonderful to you when you was in trouble that if your kids was ever to get into real trouble you would sure want to give them the same help you got, so what are you doing? They need your help now, not later...
Ah, it’s all a buncha shit. I’d asked my wife to hit me, see. She’d said even on our wedding day I didn’t understand her so how could I understand her now. I said, ‘What’s to understand? I know exactly what I’ve done, so take it all out on me now and we’ll be even. Go ahead an’ hit me.’ I wasn’t mad at her or nothing, no matter what she says. We was drinking some brews ’n I said, ‘And what the hell does understanding you on our wedding day mean anyways? You let me put the goddamn ring on your finger, didn’t you? You weren’t complaining about nothing then, were you?’
God loves all his children. You may think he doesn’t. You may think because you believe Irene is stupid that she’s not in the center of God’s mind, that she can be hurt and it doesn’t matter. Or because Eddie is a criminal drug dealer you can mess him over. Or because Jackie messed around on Harold Bowers with you when you first started seeing her and that she told you she only loves you, that Harold is a person that doesn’t matter, but you’re wrong. You and her hurt Harold, and God will hurt you and her. You hurt Irene, and God will hurt you. You hurt your friend Eddie, and you will get hurt. You think I’m some crazy old woman, but I’m not. You are not the only person in the center of God’s concern. Everyone is, John. Everyone. And you better learn this or you will continue being hurt and hurting others over and over again until you are dead. Do you recall Jackie and Harold was going together when you broke them up? I’m not saying it was all your fault as you was just a boy and didn’t know no better, but that was the start of all your troubles. And look what happened to Harold. He married that Delaney girl and has two daughters and a job at Getty Oil and goes to night school three nights a week and plays softball on a team that drinks beer together the way that drinking beer was invented for and has such a good time and are in first place in the league. You might think about that…
...not me, man, if a woman slides someones else I don’t wanna slides her. Sliding in on someones else’s juice? No way, Homes, faithless love don’t interest mes one damn bit. Thes’ es a tough ol’ world, Ese’. Yus don’t wanna wakes up one morning and think yus’ve wasted your life, Homes. Too many mens ’er doin’ that, chasing their tails ’cause some bitch es breakin’ theys balls ’n they don’t even know why they’re doing what they’re doin’. Now mes, whatsever I’s had to do to get over, that’s wha’ I’s done. If there’s no feria, if tha’s wha’ people needs, then I’s goes out and gets mine. If it’s mota, I goes out ’n gets mota. If yus gots something out there that’s gonna make it for yus, do it, but do it for yus, understands, ’n quit thes’ goddamn li’l stories ’bout thes’ stupid bitches. Tha’ one yus cryin’ over now, you think she’s even thinkin’ ’bout yus? Es yus even in a place wheres yus can helps her? Then what the hell’s she needs yus for? I don’t care how many chiquillos she’s give yus. Es all a’ bunch of shit. I don’t care if yus wus the big Hesus Christo hisself sittin’ there, I’d be tellin’ yus the same peche’ thing, hokay? Chiquillos es kids, man, ninos. Yeah? So jus’ go break the bitch’s arm then...
What people really mean when they say they’re trying to get themselves together is they’re trying to get themselves together with the one they love – WHICH IS YOU. I don’t know what else to say. Tell Dawnie I miss her sweet little hands on my face, her sweet, sweet little hands, and Daddy sends her a bazillion kisses and tell John-John to think of his Daddy once in a while and that when I get back we’re all going to the County Fair and ride all the rides, even the one that looks like a giant yellow chili and spins around upside down while it circles around and around on the big arm, the one you got sick on. Does he use that little blue flannel blankee I got for him? Tell him I got in a beef right after I got it, but I remembered to keep it and make certain that he got it.
Things are a mess, Honey. Your Dad and Marge are split again. And what to do about him, he’s gone off the deep end, not only sick, but acting crazy again. He doesn’t know I’m writing this. I want to send you some money but he takes care of my checkbook. Did he give you any of the money he said he was going to? I’ll make sure he does if that will help. I’m so upset I can’t write but hope you can read it. I don’t have much but am sending thirty dollars. Maybe you can call him and have him visit if he starts feeling better. Hate to upset you but you and Jill and him are all I have. Don’t mention this to anyone and write back what you think or you can call collect. Something else happened. I had a dream and saw your mom and dad in a rowboat and she held an umbrella over his head, like she was protecting him as he rowed. Sometimes it takes a very long time for people to work things out, so maybe you could call her and tell her...
I was rearrested and held in the County Jail and taken to the State Hospital where I was found incompetent to stand trial on Cases #367112-367113. I was kept in the hospital for over a month and finally taken back to court, only to be put off. They told me if I would remain in hospital another month all charges would be dropped. I was returned to the hospital and was taking thirty (30) days when I filed Writ #1, so I could go back and stand trial on these charges. I also filed Writ #2 because they were keeping me in seclusion without bedding. During the day they expected me to sit on a straight back chair for over twelve (12) hours a day locked in a 17’ x 10’ seclusion room for trying to hit the Posse Captain and the rest of the scum Posse Members when they tried to strip my clothes off. I was kept down in seclusion for five (5) days and after that put back in numerous times. I was given meds without my consent, held down on a steel bench in a different seclusion room and given a shot of Thorazine. This happened four (4) times. Six or seven other patients held me while an attendant shot me up. Also during this time I was trying to get my case back to court. Writ #3 was never sent because the Third Judicial Court acted on Writ #2. I was returned to court and after a two (2) week wait in jail was taken to court and had Case #367112 reduced to a 1st Class Misdemeanor which carries a maximum of one (1) year in jail, or prison, and a $500.00 fine. I was given a six month stay of sentence and sent back to the hospital. Then when I went to court again I was given a second six month stay of sentence on Case #367113. Or at least this is what I was told by the Deputy Public Defender. When I went to see the Judge he told me he hadn’t sentenced me to another six months. What I would like to know is what is going on? Why am I back in the hospital when I’m supposed to be back in jail?
Before Welfare I seldom enjoyed life, but felt I had opportunities and didn’t feel excluded from living in the same way that being on AFDC makes me feel. I lived in a twenty dollar a day room (kitchen and bath) working at two lousy jobs (tandem) but was satisfied with the way I was raising my daughter (my son wasn’t born until after my husband returned) and with my right to enjoy her. I felt no guilt but was sorry over the things I was unable to provide for her, but felt I was smarter than other women in similar situations. I felt I had more success and was satisfied and proud of myself as a mother and a person. The only problems I had were financial and sex in that I was not sleeping with anyone because I had limited amounts of time and money and I chose not to sleep with the sort of person I could attract. With my husband again in confinement I will be reduced once again to staying in such circumstances, but with the additional burden now of a second child. Unless my husband is released this will necessitate our family remaining on AFDC, a situation both of us would like to change (as with a second child I am having a hard time finding work) for the reasons given above. As to the presence of a non-related man in the home – the person seen was only a friend for a short time who was sleeping on the couch while out of work himself and currently is not on the premises nor has been in some time. There is no man in my home whatsoever at this time nor in the future.