Sam met up with Dr. Trulo outside the room on the third floor where the grief group met. “How’s Shelby?”
“A little better. She was talking a bit when I checked on her an hour ago, which is a marked improvement from last night.”
“Thank you so much for helping her.”
“I wish I could say it was a pleasure, but it’s such an upsetting thing for them.”
“For sure. Avery has to be reeling right along with her.”
“He is. That his work could’ve endangered his loved ones sits heavily on him.”
“I can’t imagine how he must feel. I’ll stop to see them after I leave here.” Sam was resigned to getting home even later. “Big crowd tonight.”
Trulo glanced toward the room, a buzz of voices echoing in the hallway. “Gets bigger every month. We may have to find a new place to meet at this rate.”
“I hope it doesn’t come to that.” She liked having the meeting upstairs from the office, so it wasn’t yet another place she had to go in a day.
“I’ll keep an eye on it. Don’t worry.” He held the door for her as they entered the room and were greeted by a sea of familiar faces.
Sam was pleased to see her sisters among the attendees. She went to hug them. “Glad you made it.”
“It was touch and go until the last minute,” Tracy said, keeping an arm around Angela, almost as if she might bolt if Tracy let go.
“I’m not sure I’m up for this,” Angela said, “but Tracy convinced me to give it a try.”
“I’m glad you did,” Sam said. “And if it’s too much, you can leave. You’re not under any obligation to stick it out.”
“Good to know. Thanks.”
“Anything for you.”
Roni Connolly came over to say hello.
“Hey, Roni,” Sam said. “You remember my sisters, Tracy and Angela.”
“Of course. It’s nice to see you again. Angela, would it be okay if I hugged you?”
“Sure,” Ang said with a shy smile.
The two women embraced for a long time, and when they pulled back, both were in tears.
Roni took Angela by the hand. “I’ve got you.”
Sam grasped Tracy’s arm when her older sister would’ve followed Roni and Angela. “Let Roni take her.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. Roni knows more about what Angela’s dealing with than we ever will. I hope.”
“It’s brutal seeing her go through this.” Tracy looked more exhausted than Sam had ever seen her. “Absolutely brutal.”
“Who’s got her kids?”
“They’re with Mike at our house.”
“It’s good of you both to make it possible for her to be here.”
“I just hope it helps.”
When they took their seats, across from Roni and Angela, Sam sent Nick a quick text. Angela showed up to grief group, so I’m going to stick around, then try to see Shelby after. Don’t wait to eat.
I’m glad she went. I’ve got plenty to keep me busy until my gorgeous wife gets home.
“Everything okay?” Tracy asked when Sam put the BlackBerry in her pocket.
“Yep.”
Dr. Trulo stood before the group of more than fifty people seated in a tight circle. “Welcome to our monthly meeting. I wish I could say I was happy to see you here, but I’m not. I’m sorry for whatever life-changing event has brought you to us, and I hope you can find some comfort by being with people who understand.”
Sam was surprised to see Cameron and Gigi come in, holding hands.
“Would anyone like to volunteer to begin?” Dr. Trulo said.
Lenore Worthington raised her hand. “Thank you, Dr. Trulo and Sam, for organizing this group. The meetings and the friends I’ve made here have become a bit of a lifeline for me lately.” She twisted a tissue in her hands. “I’ve recently gotten the answers I craved for fifteen long years, and I’m finding that to be a hollow victory. I’m not sure what I thought would happen once I could put a face to the person who took my son from me, once I knew why, but whatever I thought would happen… Well, it’s just another day without my boy. He’d be a man now,” she said with a tearful laugh. “He’d be thirty-two soon. Maybe he’d have a wife and kids and a job and a mortgage. He was going places, my Calvin, and I miss him more than ever. That’s all I wanted to say.”
“Your courage has been an inspiration to all of us, Lenore,” Dr. Trulo said. “Thank you for sharing your feelings and for giving a voice to the often-hollow victory that comes with justice.”
Sam listened to a number of other people share similar experiences of long-awaited justice being less satisfying than they’d anticipated. She understood that. Knowing who’d killed her father didn’t bring him back or change the reality he’d been forced to live with as a quadriplegic the last years of his life. If anything, in his case, the answers had led to more heartache.
“I want you to know, Lenore and everyone else, that I understand how you feel.” Sam said the words before she’d even decided to speak. “Even as part of the team that helps get justice for your loved ones, I’m always aware that those answers won’t change the fundamental reality of your loss. It didn’t change anything for me. In many ways, finding out who shot and eventually killed my dad only made things worse. What does help is knowing that others get it, so thank you for that.”
Lenore nodded in agreement and sent a warm smile to Sam. “I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for all you did to get justice for my family and for this opportunity to grieve together. It means everything to me.”
“We have a number of new people here tonight, and I’d like to offer them the opportunity to share with no obligation,” Dr. Trulo said.
Sam noticed that Angela was looking down as Cam and Gigi glanced at each other.
“I’d like to say something,” Gigi said. “I’m Detective Gigi Dominguez, and I’ve twice been the victim of violent crime recently. I’m completely altered by what happened, first with my former boyfriend who assaulted me and then by…”
“My former girlfriend, who broke into Gigi’s home and attacked her, forcing her to defend herself with deadly consequences,” Cameron said, his expression grim. “I’m Detective Cameron Green.”
“We’re both struggling with intense feelings of guilt and regret,” Gigi added, “which is a lot of pressure on a new relationship that was making us very happy until this most recent event upended everything.”
“I feel horrible for having brought that woman into Gigi’s life, when she was already dealing with enough after what happened with her ex,” Cameron said. “Now her career is on the line as the department investigates the shooting. I’m sick over the whole thing.”
“I hate that I had no choice but to kill her to save myself,” Gigi said. “I don’t blame Cameron for anything that happened with her, but he has enough guilt for both of us. I don’t want him to feel responsible for her hurting me, but how can he not?”
As they spoke, Sam was heartened to see their hands tightly clasped together, presenting a united front even as they expressed fear for their new relationship.
“It’s often very difficult to accept the consequences that result from the actions of others,” Dr. Trulo said. “The important thing is to remember you weren’t in control of what she did. You’re only in control of how you react to it. Having some insight into both incidents beyond what you’ve shared here, I happen to know you did everything you could to manage both situations before they exploded into violence.”
“And yet, we both feel like we could’ve and should’ve done more,” Cam said.
“What else could you have done?” Dr. Trulo asked.
“That’s what we lie awake at night thinking about,” Gigi said.
“You have to find a way to let go of the guilt,” Gonzo said from behind Sam, surprising her as she hadn’t seen him come in. “I learned that the hard way, and I don’t want to see anyone else I care about suffer the way I did by wallowing in things I couldn’t change. Through a lot of therapy and time with our good Dr. Trulo, I’ve learned that guilt is like a cancer. It’ll eat you up inside. And it won’t change anything.”
“Thank you for sharing that, Tommy,” Dr. Trulo said. “I hope you don’t mind me saying how proud I am of the progress you’ve made since the senseless murder of your partner. You’re one of my star patients.”
“No offense, Doc, but there’re a lot of other reasons I wish you were proud of me. I’m learning to make peace with my lack of control over what happens around me.”
“I’m proud of you for many reasons, Sergeant,” Dr. Trulo said. “I’m most proud of you for the journey you’re walking through grief and how you’re leading by example.”
“What do you do when you’re so angry with the person who died that you can barely think of anything but the anger?” The words seemed to erupt from Angela. “What do you do then?”
Sam was taken aback by the force behind her sister’s words.
“He’s left me with a nightmare to deal with, two little kids, another on the way, and even knowing he was sick doesn’t make it any less of a nightmare. I’m furious with him for doing this to me.”
“Your feelings are completely valid, Angela,” Dr. Trulo said. “You’re allowed to feel any way that you do about this unimaginable loss.”
“Will I be angry with him forever?”
“No,” a woman Sam didn’t recognize said. “I’m Hilda, and my husband was killed in an armed robbery. He was the one doing the robbing, though, so he got what was coming to him. At least that’s what people said afterward. ‘You play the game, you pay the price,’ they said. I had three kids under the age of ten, and I was blinded by anger for years afterward. But the anger doesn’t last forever. It can’t. You have children to think about, and they’ll show you the way out of the darkness back into the light. Follow their lead.”
“Thank you.” Angela gave Hilda a grateful smile. “I needed to hear that.”
“I wish I could say it was my pleasure, honey, but I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone,” Hilda said. “Please know you’re not alone.”
“I’m beginning to see that,” Angela said. “It helps to know others understand.”
“We do,” Hilda said. “All too well.”
A few others shared their recent struggles, their frustrations with the slow-moving criminal justice system and the unexpected secondary losses of friends and family members who’d faded away, as well as the blessings that had come from connecting with new people.
As always, the meeting made Sam feel uplifted and devastated all at once. She and Tracy waited to walk out with Angela.
“She has my number,” Roni said when she delivered Angela to her sisters. “She’s promised not to be afraid to use it.”
Angela hugged Roni. “Thank you so much.”
“Any time.”
Roni hugged Sam and Tracy and said her goodbyes.
“It’s amazing to meet someone else who’s expecting her late husband’s baby,” Angela said, resting a hand on her protruding belly.
Both women were due in June.
“When she tells you to reach out, she really means it,” Sam said. “Her Wild Widows group is incredible. I think you’d really like them.”
“I’m sure I will. I’m just not ready yet. I hope you understand.”
“Of course I do. You’re calling the shots, Ang. Whatever you need whenever you need it.”
“Thanks for bringing me tonight, Trace. It helped.”
The three of them walked out of the building arm in arm. Sam hugged her sisters goodbye and promised to check in the next day.
“Sorry to keep you guys so late,” Sam said to Vernon as he held the back door to the SUV for her.
“No problem at all.”
“Yes, it is, and I appreciate it. I’d like to stop at GW for a few minutes on the way home.”
“Of course.”
When they were on the way to the hospital, Sam texted Nick. Leaving HQ, stopping to see Shelby for a minute, and then I’ll be home. Sorry to be so late.
No worries. The twins are still up. I think they might be coming down with something…
BOTH of them?
Yep.
Uh-oh. Be there soon.
At GW, she walked through the main doors with Vernon and Jimmy and took the elevator to Shelby’s floor.
“This is the time to go places,” Sam said. “No one to stare at me.”
Vernon chuckled as he led her off the elevator while Jimmy followed.
As they walked toward Shelby’s room, a woman came running toward them. “You’re the first lady! Oh my God!”
Vernon held up his hand to stop the woman from getting any closer.
“What’s wrong? I was just saying hello.”
“Please step back,” Vernon said.
“Oh, I see how it is,” the woman said, frowning. “You’re too good for regular people now.”
“What?” Sam said. “You came charging at me out of nowhere. The agents are doing their jobs. How does that make me too good for regular people?”
“I just wanted to say hello,” she said, seeming chastened.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, but when you come charging at someone under Secret Service protection, they’re going to guard their subject. Every time. Okay?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Your apology is accepted.”
“I’m a big fan of you and your husband.”
“Thank you. We appreciate your support.”
“Ma’am?” Vernon said, wanting to move her along.
“Have a good night,” Sam said to the woman.
“You, too.”
“I guess I spoke too soon,” Sam said after they’d walked away from the woman.
“Indeed you did,” Vernon said. “Thank you for defending us.”
“Always.”
Sam knocked on the door to Shelby’s room and stuck her head in. Avery stood by Shelby’s bedside, still wearing the clothes he’d been in the last time she’d seen him. He’d removed the suit coat and had rolled up the sleeves of his white dress shirt. He looked exhausted and overwhelmed, but who could blame him?
“Come in, Sam,” Shelby said softly.
Sam stepped into the dimly lit room and went to Shelby’s side, taking her hand. “How’re you doing?”
“A little better,” Shelby said. “Dr. Trulo was a big help. Thanks for asking him to come by.”
“I’m glad he was able to help.”
“He prescribed some meds that perked me up.”
“That’s great news.”
“I’m trying to get Avery to go home and get some rest, but he refuses to leave.”
“I’m with you, kid,” he said, sounding weary.
“Is there anything I can do for you guys or Noah?”
“He’s with my sister,” Shelby said. “Blissfully unaware, thank goodness.”
“You’ll get through this, Tinker Bell. We’ll all make sure of it.”
Shelby nodded as her eyes filled with tears. “Thanks for coming by.”
“I love you,” Sam said.
Shelby squeezed her hand. “Love you, too.”
“I’ll check in tomorrow, okay? Let me know if there’s anything at all we can do for you.”
“We will,” Avery said. “Thanks, Sam.”
“How’s she doing?” Vernon asked when Sam rejoined them in the hallway.
“A little better, but still deeply rattled, as anyone would be.”
“For sure.” Vernon held the elevator door for Sam. “I can’t imagine what he must be feeling, too. That something from his work put his family in jeopardy like that…”
“It’s something everyone in law enforcement worries about. Even more so these days when everyone is armed.”
“It’s a scary world,” Jimmy said.
“Which makes me extra thankful for you and your colleagues who protect my family,” Sam said. “At least I don’t have to worry about what happened to Avery and Shelby happening to us.”
“No, you don’t.”
“But all my colleagues do.”
“Yes,” Vernon said with a sigh, “they do. Maybe you should have a talk with them about ramping up security in their homes.”
“I’ll do that. This is a wakeup call for everyone.” The thought of another of her officers being harmed because of their work was almost more than Sam could bear, especially after losing Detective Arnold so senselessly. They worked so hard to get justice for victims and to keep their community safe. But the risks were high and getting higher all the time.