A somber gang of three, we arrive at Rome airport three days later. It’s been a long flight, with stopovers in Perth and Dubai. Even though, I took the herbal sleeping tablet Nicholas bought for me I feel ragged and in need of sleep. We talked long into the night after the test came out positive and we decided to continue on as planned. There’s no reason why I can’t travel in the early stages of pregnancy and it’s only for two weeks. It’s not like we’re going for months on end and jumping on and off buses or trains. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us though. If I could have my way, nothing would change except the addition of a baby. Nicholas, Joel and I would be one happy family. I have this sinking feeling that’s not going to be the case, however. The boys are quieter, more reserved. It’s like they’ve shut me out. It could be that they’re trying to process but it doesn’t help me feel any better about the pregnancy. If anything I feel worse.
Rome airport is non-descript. We stand at the carousel in the big grey room that feels like a shed, waiting for our bags. I want to sit. My head and feet are aching but I’m reluctant to say anything in case they start molly coddling me again. That’s another talk we’re going to have when we get home. I’m pregnant, not terminal. I’m perfectly capable of unscrewing my own bottle of water. After we retrieve our luggage, the taxi ride into the city is long but I don’t mind. I stare out the window so utterly in awe that I’m seeing buildings that are thousands of years old. I can’t believe there’s so much congestion, that even though the streets are barely wide enough for a small car we’re going to drive down them and share the space with the hundreds of pedestrians. Not to mention the alfresco diners our driver misses by millimetres. I feel like an ant in a very cramped anthill.
We arrive at our hotel and it’s as if I’m transported to another age. It’s four storeys high and made of stone and Nicholas gazes at the façade for a very long time before he allows us to go inside. He’s committing this to memory; I know he is. He’s going to retrieve this look in years to come and use it as inspiration for a building. My suspicions are confirmed when he asks me to mind his bags before he ducks into the crowd, emerging on the other side of the street where he snaps a photo. Nicholas is obsessed. I hate to think how he’s going to be when we get to the real architectural wonders.
The stairs leading to the reception are steep. It’s a teeny room on the first floor, quite unlike any hotel reception I’ve ever been in. The windows are tiny to keep the hot sun away and there’s no lift, probably because lifts weren’t invented in 3AD or whenever this building was made. We sign in and follow a porter to our suite. He informs us he’ll bring our bags along shortly and I breathe a sigh of relief so great, I’m pretty sure he hears me. I wasn’t looking forward to carrying my new luggage up three more flights of stone stairs. Thirty kilos of suitcase isn’t a light weight.
At last we open the door to our room. The French windows to the balcony have been flung open and gauzy curtains are billowing in the evening breeze. It reminds me of the night we spent at the lighthouse. That was the night I knew I couldn’t be without Nicholas or Joel, that for me they were a package deal. I don’t think I can be without either of them again but I feel as though the decision has been thrust in my face. Whether we like it or not, I’m going to have to choose. Someone is going to get hurt. When we get back home, three will become two. I hope we can handle that.
Out on the balcony, I take in the view. Any minute I know I’m going to wake up and find that this has been a dream, that I’m really in my bed back at the flat, listening to Emily having sex with some guy she thinks she’s in love with. I’m wistful as I stare out at the Trevi Fountain, lit up by pale lights under the water gushing from its walls. The pool is an aquiline blue. I don’t think I’ve ever seen water like it and I wonder if it’s because of the marble. Behind it the sun is setting, it’s orange glow a foil for the green of the water. It’s magical and surreal and I’m so glad I’m sharing this experience with Nicholas and Joel.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Joel comes up behind me. He slips his hands over my shoulders and down my arms, interlocking his fingers with mine. He leans his chin on my shoulder.
“Awesome. I can’t believe I’m here. Thank you so much for bringing me.”
“I only want you to be happy, Ariel.”
I swivel my head and kiss him. His lips are soft and tender. Somehow they feel different than before. The last three days has changed everything for us.
“Let’s take a selfie,” I say. I’m being overly bright but we need to lift this cloud of doom.
Joel pulls out his phone and we turn with our backs to the view so he can take the shot. “Smile!”
I do and as he clicks I feel the touch of his lips against my cheek. It’s going to be an awesome photo. “Send it to me.”
“Anything for you.”
“Since when did you get all lovey-dovey?”
“I wasn’t being lovey-dovey.”
“Yes you were.”
“I thought I was being affectionate.”
“Well yes, but usually you’re affection comes in the form of a bum pinch or telling me I’m hot. Not the romance stuff.”
He nods. “True. Guess I’ll have to rectify that then. Can’t have you thinking all I care about is sex.”
“It is all you care about.” My voice is jokey and he gives me a leery look in return.
We stand admiring the view for a little longer. It’s getting darker and there are even more people below us on the street. Cafés that were closed are opening their doors and the sound of violin music is wafting on the evening breeze. I always thought the violin was a ridiculous instrument but it sounds quite lovely. “Where’s Nicholas?” I ask.
Joel leans back and lifts the curtain away from the window. He nods in the direction of the bed where Nicholas is laying on his back, breathing the soft breath of sleep. Nicholas has the ability to fall instantly asleep. Anywhere. Anytime. I hate him for that. I hate that he can be snoring in twenty seconds flat while I’m still trying to recover.
“How does he do that?”
“I dunno but I think I might hit the sack too. Big day tomorrow and that flight did me in. You coming?”
I glance at my watch. “It’s only six o’clock. We can’t go to bed yet.”
“Just a nap. Then we can do dinner, Italian style.”
He’s talking about the Italian propensity for eating dinner at ten or eleven at night. Such a foreign idea to me. Literally. I follow him into the bedroom and begin to peel off my clothes. “Can we have pizza?”
“You’re not going to turn into one of those eating machines because you’re pregnant are you?”
“I might.” I giggle softly, careful not to disturb our sleeping beauty on the bed.
“I like your curves how they are, Ariel. Don’t get fat. Stay just as you are.”
“Um, being pregnant sort of entails getting fat.”
“Well, only in the front then. I’ll let you get fat there. And if you’re boobs suddenly turn the size of melons I won’t complain.”
I roll my eyes.
We climb into bed and Joel does his best to arrange the covers around us. On the other side of the king sized mattress Nicholas is softly snoring on top of the blankets, so it’s an exercise in creative placement not to disturb him. I snuggle into Joel’s arms. The sheets smell crisp and fresh. They’re soft against my skin.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I ask.
“I think so. Not as much as I love you. And soon you’ll have someone new to love. Will there be enough love to go around us all? Maybe you’ll forget about me.”
“My heart is big enough for the three of you. With every day it gets bigger and bigger. It’s filled with more and more love.”
He kisses my forehead and cheeks. His hand strokes my shoulder and plays in my hair.
“I’ve never met a girl like you. I don’t think I ever will again.” He pulls me closer burying his face in my neck. I feel his heart pounding against my chest. My skin is wet from tears but they’re not my own.
“It’s over, isn’t it?” My words are cracked. My heart is breaking.
“I don’t see how we can continue. A baby changes the equation too much.” He looks into my eyes and I know what he’s saying. The day I knew would always come is about to happen.
My hand reaches up to graze his cheek. He leans his face into my palm and a tear slides down, wetting my fingers. “My heart isn’t confetti, Ariel. You can’t throw it in the air and expect it to come back to where it started. It’s not some thing that can be stuck together with glue and has no feeling… no matter how I might behave,” he whispers.
“I never thought it was. I’d never hurt you. I love you. I can’t be without you.”
“And I can’t be with you and Nick and watch him hold your hand, knowing that will never happen for me. I can’t watch you be mama and Nick be papa while I’m relegated to funny uncle Joel. It’s not fair to me or to the kid but mostly it’s not fair to you. I can’t love you any more or any differently.”
I’m crying now. “You’re leaving aren’t you?”
“In the morning.”
The shock surges through me. So soon?
“How can you leave me? I need time to prepare.”
“I think its best I do it this way. If I don’t leave now I never will.”
“Then why did you wait? Why didn’t you just run away before we got to Rome? That’s a pretty expensive way to dump someone.”
“Don’t be like that. I’m not running. I’m leaving to give you and Nick a chance to be a real family. You can’t do that if I’m tagging along like the third wheel.”
I stare at him, blinking slowly, blinking back the hurt that he could give up on us so easily. I don’t understand. I have no words to convey the pain that’s ripping through my heart and soul at this moment.
“I knew you wouldn’t come on the trip if I went away before,” Joel continues. “You would have whined and moaned and said you couldn’t do it without me like you always do. But you can do it alone. You’re strong and beautiful and you’re gonna be the best mama ever.”
“I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to be over. I need you. I love you so much my heart aches.”
“Then let me go. Let me have this night, then let me go. It’s for the best.”
*****
That night Joel and I break the rule we made for ourselves. We make love without Nicholas. It’s silent and deep and I cry through most of it because I know it signifies the end. We began this way and this is how we end. Like Joel, I’m truly done in when it’s over and though I try not to because I want to snatch every minute I can, I fall asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm cradling me. I have never felt so much love.
When I wake three hours later, ravenous and ready for my pizza dinner, the bed is empty on one side.
His bags are no longer stacked beside mine at the door.
He’s gone.