The following morning is bright and sunny. After the intenseness of last night a cloud has lifted and I feel like my life is beginning a new phase, despite the fact that I’ve had broken sleep again and would probably feel better if I’d been run over by a steam roller. I sit up on the side of the bed and, taking an elastic band from the bedside table, I twist my hair into a topknot. Then I pull on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt and head to Nicky’s room to see if he’s awake. There’s been no sound from the baby monitor yet, so my guess is he’s still napping. With luck I might be able to get a coffee and shower in before he wakes.
When I reach Nicky’s door, I hear the sound of, well, nothing. At which I do an internal dance of joy at having five minutes to myself. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mother. I’m just not used to sharing my time with an infant.
Then I hear the sound of quiet talking. It’s coming from the bathroom.
Okay, I know my child is a genius but clearly Nicky can’t talk, he’s only two weeks old. And the voice is deep like Joel’s.
“Come on, little fella,” he’s whispering. “Let’s get you into a bath.”
There’s a snuffle like Nicky is answering him back.
What on earth are my two boys doing having a bath at six in the morning? And why is Joel even awake? He’s been sleeping in a lot since I came home. I think he’s decided if he sleeps more he won’t have to face the fact that Nicholas is gone.
I open the bathroom door slowly, unsure of what is about to greet me on the other side. Knowing Joel, it could be anything.
Understatement of the century.
As I open the door, the sight of a naked Joel— who’s smoking hot FYI — and a naked baby Nicky, shocks me. The baby’s lower half is covered in a greenish-yellowish poop. It’s smeared down his legs and all over his little tummy. He doesn’t appear to be worried, however. His eyes are focussed intently on Joel’s face, which has a huge smear of poo down the side. There’s another on his chest and one on his shoulder.
This is so freaking cute.
“Morning,” I say. I feel very cheery though I have no idea how this situation has come about and what my role in rectifying it will be.
“Morning,” Joel replies. “Look Nicky, Mama’s awake just in time for the show.” Joel steps into the bath filled with something sudsy. He faces me full frontal and I get a complete eyeful.
It’s a good eyeful though. A very good eyeful.
“May I ask what on earth has been going on?”
“I heard Nicky crying so I went into him. I think he must have kicked his nappy off or you didn’t do the tabs up properly. There’s shit all over the bed. So I got him up with the intention of cleaning him up and bringing him into you for his early feed but when I got him on the change table he decided to spray me with it. Then he kicked his legs about and voila! Did a nice fountain of piss as well, little bugger. Got me right on the stomach.”
I begin to laugh. They look so funny standing there naked in the tub. “I suppose I should have warned you about the projectile pooing and weeing, he’s pretty adept.”
“A heads up would have been nice.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to step up and take a turn with him. But now you have, I’ll show you the ropes and you can have him all the time. I’ll express some milk for feeding times.”
“Geez, thanks.”
I take a fresh washcloth from out of the bathroom cupboard and turn back to the bath. “Sit down.”
“Why?”
“I’m going to wash you both. It’s the least I can do after you’ve navigated the poo explosion.”
Joel sinks into the water. Carefully, he turns the baby on his back and cradles him so he can float and splash in the water. I dip the cloth into the suds and begin to skim it over Joel’s shoulders. His muscles feel nice. It’s been so long, I’d almost forgotten how nice.
He closes his eyes but he’s smiling.
“I wish I had a camera,” I say.
“You just wanna take dirty naked pics of me, I know.”
“I was actually thinking that you look quite at home with the baby and you’re smiling. I’d like to capture that.”
“I feel happier. The last couple of weeks have been hard. I know we can’t go back but I still love you Ariel, and if there’s a way to make this work, I want to do it.”
Oh Joel.
I lean across the bath and kiss the side of his cheek that’s not smothered in poo. Then I continue to wash him clean. I like the feeling of the washcloth sliding over his soapy body. I like that he’s holding my baby and caring for him. I never would have seen Joel as daddy material. This changes everything. But then, Joel is always full of surprises.
*****
After I get the baby out of the bath and dress him in another of his new outfits sent over by the ancient aunts — they seem to have taken a shine to baby Nicky — I settle myself in the chair and pull my bra aside to feed him. Joel, looking fresh and clean from his bath, is leaning against the doorjamb.
“I’m going to make some breakfast, want some?”
“I’m starving. Breast feeding makes me super hungry.”
“Scrambled eggs?”
“Yum. Yes, please. And a coffee?”
“Don’t push your luck.”
I grin at him.
Joel watches me feeding the baby for a little while. He seems as in awe as I am of the changes that have happened to my body in the last nine months; that my body is capable of birthing a baby and nature takes its course allowing me to feed and nurture it.
“Your tits are enormous,” he remarks casually.
Or he could just be thinking about sex, like he usually is.
“I know. I hate them.”
“They’re awesome. I’m going to have to keep my wits about me to keep my hands off them, Ariel.”
“It’s strictly look but don’t touch, Cowboy.”
Though the way he’s looking at me, we may as well be having sex. He’s making me all hot and bothered.
“I know. And believe me, I’m committing every look to memory at the moment. My bed is a lonely place.”
“Joel.”
I wish he wouldn’t say these things. I can’t handle it.
He holds up his hands in defeat. “Just sayin’.”
Then he turns on his heels and heads to the kitchen to make the eggs.
I sit and rock for a while after the baby finishes feeding. He’s dozing and I carefully bend my head to kiss his crown. He smells so new, so perfect. I want to give him the very best I can and if that involves Joel, I’m fine with it but if it doesn’t I’m fine with that too. Joel never signed up to be a father. He stepped aside so Nicholas could take the reins.
But Joel has always loved me, maybe more than I love him. Can he love Nicholas’ baby like his own? Will he want to be with me now everything is changing? Do I want that? My stomach rumbles and I remember I’m hungry but I’m not ready to go and be with Joel, not if he’s going to throw innuendoes about like water. He needs to give me space and time. We need to build a new and different relationship. I hope we can do that.