I’ve taken Emily’s advice re the sex thing. I’ve decided to bite the bullet and go through with it now I’ve been given the all clear from the doctor. Don’t get me wrong, I find Joel insanely attractive, I always have. But it’s been a long time between orgasms for us. My body is not as thin and taut as it used to be. The skin on my breasts looks more like a blue vein cheese in parts, not like a creamy glass of milk the way it used to. What if Joel doesn’t like the squishy bits? What if he prefers pre-baby Sadie? The very idea that when I take my clothes off he’ll no longer want me makes me very nervous. Because I want him. More than ever.
There’s also Nicholas to consider. I feel bad that I’m considering sex so quickly after his death. I know he wanted me to be with Joel but it doesn’t make things easier. Really, it doesn’t. If anything, knowing Nicholas wants me to make a life with Joel puts pressure on me. When I think of my last hours with Nicholas and him telling me to go to Joel, I feel powerless because the decision seems to have been made for me. I feel alone and very guilty because Nicholas might be watching me from Heaven and thinking I’ve forgotten him. I feel bad because I watch Joel from the corner of my eye and I want him. I’m consumed with thoughts of him. I dream of his touch and imagine him inside me again.
So, I pray the guilt of wanting to be with him won’t stop me from actually doing the deed. I want to make Joel happy like I used to. I want to lose myself when he’s fucking me, not be wishing he was Nicholas. Because that would literally be the most guilt-inducing thing of all.
Like most things, I’ve prepared for this seduction to the enth degree. I figure, if every contingency is considered, nothing can go wrong. Nicky sleeps for four hour stretches now he’s older, so I feed and bath him, then settle him for the night before Joel arrives home from work. I shower and change, putting on new lacy underwear I know he’ll like. Joel loves sexy things. He likes the anticipation and excitement involved in removing them. I’ve put on my favourite white maxi dress too, the one Emily loathes but Joel loves because it’s slightly see-through. I hope I’m good enough. I hope I’m still everything he loves and adores.
By the time Joel walks in the door, I’ve set the table and have the dinner I ordered keeping warm in the oven. I greet him with a glass of champagne and a smile.
“What’s all this about?” Joel dumps his work stuff on the chair and flips off his shoes. He pads into the kitchen and takes the glass I offer.
“Nothing. I just thought we might have a romantic night together. We never do romance.”
“That’s because I suck at romance.”
“I think you’re quite good… as long as you keep the sarcasm out of it.”
“May as well not talk at all, then.” He gives a chuckle and takes a slug of wine. “What’s for dinner? It smells good.”
“That’s because I didn’t cook it.”
“Didn’t you? I’d never have guessed.” He nods to the empty cartons on the bench. Dead give away.
“We’re having oysters in champagne for starters, lasagna, crusty bread and salad.”
“My favourites. You know the way to a guy’s heart, Ariel. Dessert?”
“Me.”
Joel puts down his glass. He turns to face me. Suddenly his eyes are brimming with lust, his pupils molten, liquid desire. He stares down at me and my heart leaps in my chest. “You got the all clear?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, baby.” He doesn’t need to say anything else. I understand perfectly what this means to him, me letting him back in after all this time.
Joel moves closer. His strong hands splay over my waist as he pulls me roughly to him.
“You’ve no idea how happy I am to hear that. I’m going to fuck you so good you’ll never want me to stop, baby. I’m going to show you the things you missed out on for the last seven or so months.” He lifts me onto the kitchen bench, his hips press between my knees, spreading my legs. His mouth finds mine and he kisses me. I wind my hands around his neck and through his hair and I hear him sigh and suck in a breath as he deepens the kiss. He’s drinking in every part of me, taking me into his body. His hands slide slowly up my sides and come to a stop near my shoulders. He lowers one strap of my dress and bra and kisses the naked skin. Then he cups my breasts through the fabric. His thumbs graze my nipples. They’re fuller and bigger than ever and as he carefully releases one and presses his lips to it, I almost come. My breathing escalates. My lungs are about to explode. Geez, I’m so close I might do it.
“Stop!” I push him back.
He raises his head, his eyes are drunk with wanting. “What?”
I adjust my straps. I’m shaking from the intensity of the kiss, from the blatant wanting coursing through me. This isn’t right. How can I be so fickle?
“I put a lot of effort into buying this dinner, the least we can do is eat it. And I’ve expressed a crap load of milk so I can have a couple of drinks with you. We need to take this slow, we don’t have to fuck over the kitchen bench just because we can.”
He gives me that sultry, dirty look. “But it sounds like such a good idea.”
I ignore him and slip from the bench to turn to the grill. The oysters need a few minutes to heat and let the cheese melt through the champagne. I need a few minutes to get my shit together. I was totally about to lose it then. If Joel had thrown me on the floor and asked to fuck me into oblivion I would have let him. And I can’t do that yet. I can’t. It’s not the time for abandon.
“Sit down,” I say, making my voice ultra bright. “The first course is ready.”
I plate up the oysters and turn to the table. Joel has moved the cutlery and placemats onto the kitchen bench. He’s refilled our glasses.
He looks at me as I place a plate of oysters in front of him. “Looks great. You don’t mind that I moved over here do you? I just want to be close to you. Being at the table is too formal. I can’t play handsy with your knee.” He reaches under the bench and gives my knee a gentle squeeze.
“I don’t mind.”
We eat our oysters mostly in silence. I think we’re both wondering what exactly happened just then, how I could push him away when it’s so clear that I want him. But as I tidy away the dishes, Joel begins to tell me about the progress on Iris and the mood lightens. We’re back to our banter. The awkwardness is forgotten.
The rest of the meal is much the same. Though things appear to be normal, we carefully avoid talking about anything more personal than the baby, my ideas on a car — Joel has offered to help me pick something, he loves cars — and whether or not the water is still too cold for a surf without a wetsuit. I tell him how weird it feels to know that I have enough money that I’ll never have to work if I choose not to and my idea of starting my own small landscaping business so I can stay at home with Nicky.
“You should come and work at the office,” Joel says. “Martina left the other week. Jill’s looking for a replacement.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “It would be strange me being there. It’s crazy enough you and me living together now. I don’t want the world thinking I jumped from the bed of one multi-millionaire to another. It would create problems for you.”
“Yeah, I never thought of it like that.”
After dinner, we sit on the sofa staring into the fire. It’s romantic and I feel very close to Joel but there’s something missing.
“Penny for them?” Joel asks.
Like he doesn’t know what’s going on in my head.
I stare down at Joel’s fingers, softly caressing the stem of the glass. I’m reminded of the nights Nicholas and I sat in this very position, doing this very thing without Joel.
Oh shit, please don’t let me ruin this night talking about him. I don’t want to do that. I want one night where I don’t think about him, dream about him, wish he was here with us.
“I miss him so much.”
Fuck. I totally was NOT going to say that.
“Me too. I miss him every day but I’m trying not to.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now I’m crying.
“Oh Joel, what did we do to make this happen? Is this some sort of punishment because we loved each other when we knew it was wrong?”
“What we had could never be wrong, Ariel. We’re just did it different to the way other people do it. That doesn’t make it wrong. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, except maybe the pregnancy part and you bastards dumping my arse.” He gives a little chuckle.
“We did not dump your arse, you left us!” I bury my face in his chest. “Why can’t we have him back? I want him back. Why did he have to die?”
Joel puts his glass on the table. He swivels to face me and gathers me closer into his body. He rocks me while I sob into his chest. I make his t-shirt soggy with snot and tears and he doesn’t say a thing other than soothing me.
“Maybe Nicholas’ death happened for a reason,” he says when I’ve calmed down. “Did you ever think that he had his time with you, gave you a baby and the only way he would ever step aside would be in death? Nicholas knew how much I loved you. His going could have been his way of allowing us to be together.”
I sit up, frowning. As demented as the notion sounds, it’s something that Nicholas would do. Knowing he had a choice between life and death, he would absolutely choose death so Joel and I could have a chance at life with his baby.
“You’re very deep for a man who says he never thinks about anything other than boobs,” I say, with one last sniff.
“One of my many talents.”
“Do you have any others I don’t know about?”
“Plenty, Ariel. Plenty. Now let me take that delightful dress off you so I can demonstrate just how many I have.”
“But I’m naked under this dress…”
Apart from my sexy underwear.
“Exactly.”
“I might get cold.”
I, literally, love this playing hard to get thing.
“By the time I’m finished with you, you’re going to be more on fire than every beautiful red hair on your head. We’ve got months to make up for, and I intend to savour every minute while we do it. Now get that pretty arse naked and sit on my dick.”
If you insist Joel. If you insist.