Her teeth were clamped together so tightly her jaw cried for relief. She tried to breathe slowly but her lungs kept pulling the air through her nostrils making deep rasping sounds. Her eyes darted around the room but she didn’t let them rest on anything. Harrison was taking too long. How much time did it take to give Ginny a sedative and put her to bed, Cora wondered. He said he would be right back. The kitchen was dark except for the glow of the burner where she’d placed the tea kettle. Steam began to puff from the spout but Cora didn’t notice. Her thoughts were racing.
Leaving the property by herself earlier had been a mistake. She knew it but she couldn’t help herself. She had to follow Mackenzie to see how she was spending her time. She saw her go to that party, saw her laughing and giggling on the other side of that fence as if she hadn’t buried her husband just weeks ago. Nick was lying in the ground somewhere far from home, alone, the life barely gone from his body and Mackenzie was there, as if nothing had happened at all, having a good time. Cora had watched until she could take no more. Her head pounded and she was afraid she would lose consciousness right there by the fence line. She’d pushed herself upright and ran those blocks back home as if someone were chasing her. Her heart continued to dance even when she was safely within the walls.
She’d entered the house through the dining room terrace doors, slammed them behind her and snapped the lock into place. She’d leaned her back against the heavy velvet drapes and put her hand to her chest. It pounded a beat against her palm; she thought for a moment that she might die. Her mouth was dry and she moved her tongue around to work up some saliva. Nothing.
“If you do that again, you’ll get caught,”
She opened her eyes. “You saw me?” Harrison had stood over her, looking down. His hair was as wet as hers.
“You didn’t need to leave this property for something like that. I could have done it.”
“I had to see how she’s spending her time. She was having a good time. Laughing and talking. Like nothing happened six weeks ago. My son is dead, Harrison.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed like he had a lump of bread in his mouth. “I know. Come on.” He took her arm and led her down the long hallway to the tunnel below.
Cora stopped abruptly outside the heavy metal door of the photography room. “Not that stupid room, Harrison, please not tonight,” she pleaded.
Sometimes the room was okay. She could be in there with another person and it was tolerable. But sometimes it wasn’t. Too many memories. The pictures brought back thoughts she’d pushed far back in her mind. Those eyes on the walls seemed to talk to her and sometimes she swore she could hear her father’s angry urgent voice calling her. Her legs would begin to quiver, the fear spreading through her body rendering her unable to move or speak.
Before she could protest further Harrison had grabbed her arm and pulled her through the door. He flicked the switch to light the room and she turned away. She just couldn’t do this tonight.
Harrison liked the room. It was one of his favorite places in the house. The room had originally been dug out as an old hiding place for slaves, an old dank space. Nothing special but it was an out of the way nook that Cora used as a child when she wanted to hide. Harrison hid down there with her a few times reading comic books by flashlight and eating blackberries that grew wild in the woods. He continued to like the room even after Bradford made it over into a darkroom and put the photographs up on the walls. Harrison said the past was nothing but a reflection of the future in one form or another. She didn’t know what he meant by that but she wasn’t going back to the life she’d had in the past. He liked to come here when things were hard or he was confused. He would sit for hours on the loveseat and stare at the pictures. At Cora’s life. But somehow it was a reflection of him too. Their pasts were too entwined to separate.
Harrison particularly liked to look at her grandfather, Jonathan Monroe. He said it gave him a glimpse of human folly. Cora didn’t know what he meant by that either. She’d stare at that picture of her grandfather and what she saw was a happy man. He might have been a foolish spendthrift but he was smiling. She didn’t think she ever saw her father smile. Not once. His expression had been blank when it wasn’t formed into a scowl. He had done everything he set his mind to. He’d managed to hold onto the house, he’d restored the Monroe name and honor, at least partially, and he’d earned back the fortune lost by the previous generation but he’d never had a moment of bliss in his entire life.
Cora forced herself to stare up into his hard eyes. It was funny. Sometimes she thought he was laughing at her and sometimes he just seemed full of hatred. If she didn’t know better she’d think someone changed that picture in between her visits just to confuse her. He never seemed to be the same. Today he was full of hatred. She turned away.
“Did you finish looking through the journal?”
“Harrison, let’s go. I can’t do this.” Cora heard a whisper in her ear and she turned suddenly. She clasped her hands to her head. “No, no, no.”
“It’s okay Cora. I’m here.” Harrison pulled her to the love seat. “Sit down.”
She looked up. Her father’s lips seemed to be curved upwards when only moments ago he was frowning.
“God, no,” she moaned. “What’s happening to me?”
She heard the soft sounds again. It seemed like a buzz in her ear but then formed words. It was her father’s voice. She saw images in front of her eyes that seemed close enough to touch. She was just a child. Ten maybe, and she was in her bedroom. Her father stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips, his face angry and clouded. Then he grabbed her up by the back of her nightgown and almost lifted her off the ground. Her toes just touched the cold wood floor.
The delivery man had come earlier that day with cords of wood. Her father had business in town and left her with some money to pay for it. She’d paid the man when he came and stayed to see it piled in the carriage house. She got three one-dollar bills in change. She took that money when the delivery man left and crawled under the fence to the Cooper’s. Ginny and Harrison walked down to Germantown Avenue and bought her candy. They spent the afternoon playing in the woods, eating candy and laughing. She felt her eyes fill. The three of then had fun that afternoon. Chewing gum and eating chocolate. She’d been told to stay in the house.
Her father shook her slightly with a meaty fist. “Where’s my change?” he screamed. He wouldn’t let her answer. “My change.” He was so angry.
She thought he might kill her over three dollars. “Daddy, no,” she cried.
He threw her into the wall. When her father hit her it always had something to do with money and it was always brutal. That day the brutality went on for almost an hour. She could hardly walk for days. The images were so clear, she could hear his voice like he was right there, feel the pain of his fists. She jumped up from the love seat where she sat with Harrison and ran to pull at the thick door. Then there was a scream. It was piercing. At first she was confused. It was a female scream but she knew it was not her own. Harrison must have heard it too because he jumped up and came to her side.
“Mackenzie’s room. Go, find out what happened.” He pushed her into the tunnel.
She stared back, not comprehending.
“Pull yourself together.” He put his hands on her shoulders. ”Someone in the guest cottage screamed.” He’d snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. “Go.” And he shoved her down into the tunnel.
There she was greeted with the image of Ginny, confused and disoriented in the middle of the room, Mackenzie and the McBride boy nearby. He was holding the side of his head obviously in pain. The anger Cora felt took her by such surprise she was afraid she would lose control. Mackenzie had brought a man back to the room. Not the room. It was Cora’s room. She’d brought a man back to Cora’s room. Her anger bubbled. Ginny had hit him on the head with something. It was too bad she didn’t kill him, she thought.
Cora stared at what was unfolding in front of her. She wanted to leap across the room and grab Mackenzie about the throat with her thick hands until the life in her was gone. This was the woman whom her son had loved. It was the woman he had given everything to, his time, his life, and in the end his money. Now she was gallivanting around town with another man. These thoughts rolled through Cora’s head but she forced herself to stay in one spot and focus on Ginny.
Harrison came in and saved her. He always did.
* * *
Cora looked up. The tea kettle was whistling a loud shrill. She was so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t even heard it. She got up and took it from the burner. It was almost empty. It had burned down to almost nothing. She walked to the sink and pulled off the lid. Steam exploded from the top.
“For the love of God, no.” Harrison came from nowhere and grabbed the kettle from her hands. He threw it in the sink. “Cora! What’s the matter with you?”
Cora whirled around. “Where have you been, Harrison? I’ve been sitting here for almost an hour. You said you were going to put Ginny to bed. What happened?”
Harrison threw himself into a chair. “Ginny wouldn’t go down. It took almost two milligrams of ativan. She wouldn’t swallow the damned pills so finally I had to give her a shot.” He ran his hands through his hair.
Cora sat at the table next to him. “She’s getting worse. She’s a damned loose cannon.” She waved her hand around. “There’s no telling what she’s going to do or say. Handle her, for God’s sake.”
“I am handling her. I can only give her but so much medication. What exactly do you want me to do?” He shifted in his chair.
Cora was silent for a second and then shook her head. “I want to kill her.”
He turned sharply and took her by the arms. “She’s my sister, Cora. Don’t ever say that again.”
“Not Ginny.” Cora shook herself free, exasperated that Harrison could not follow her thoughts. “Mackenzie. I want to kill Mackenzie after what she did tonight bringing that boy here.” Her head was down. She looked up suddenly. “I want to kill her. If you didn’t come in when you did…”
“You need sleep, Cora.” He took her hands and looked at them. They were raw, bleeding in places. “Again? Is this because of her?” He dropped her hands and put his head down. “I’m so sorry.” Cora said nothing. “Stay away from Mackenzie, stay away from that tea kettle.” He pushed himself out of the chair and headed towards the door. He stopped and turned around. “Promise me, Cora. Leave her alone tonight.”
He waited for that almost imperceptible nod of her head before he turned his back and headed out the door.