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MR ABELA is standing spread-eagled in his front window it’s eight-thirty in the morning and he’s got no clothes on he’s stretched right across from corner to corner he makes an X shape. You keep walking. He just stays there. You know he’s seen you because you caught his eye and smiled before you knew it, before you’d seen the rest of him, because you like Mr Abela you like all the Abelas they’re really nice they live at the top of the street. He kind of smiled back at you then you saw the rest of him and you did a double take you can’t believe it you just keep walking with your head down you’re so embarrassed then you look back because you just have to and he’s still there still looking at you in the nude. You get around the corner you’re just going oh my god, oh my god. You’ve always liked walking to school up the hill on the morning-time by yourself you don’t have to talk you can just walk and look at things, flowers and the footpath and all the different fences and you always get to school a bit early so you can have a smoke in the dunnies first thing but now you start taking the other way, up to the other end of the street and around the back, it takes too long but you don’t want to walk past the Abelas’ any more.
You don’t tell anybody about what you saw for about a week but then you can’t keep it in any more so you tell Helen and she says you have to tell this to mum and she’s really serious, so you do. When you’re telling your mum you can’t really look at her because you’re a bit embarrassed even though it’s not your fault and he shouldn’t have been there like that should he? you’ve seen him in the mornings before but he’s always been dressed he’s always been really nice he says hello off to school hey? he knows that you go past there every morning. Your mum is really shocked you can tell. She kind of takes her breath in and says that’s terrible Josie love why didn’t you tell me when it happened? and you go I don’t know and then you say I couldn’t. Your mum goes straight up to the Abelas’ to say something to him if he’s there. She comes back and says well no he wasn’t there I spoke to Mrs Abela, Josie love are you sure that’s what happened? and you go yes mum and your mum says it was a bit awkward really she didn’t believe me. You don’t say anything and then you say sorry. Your mum looks at you straight and says he’s the one who should be sorry and then all these things just come out of your mouth he was really there mum, he was, I just couldn’t believe it I had to look back he was stretched right across mum he was smiling and he just stayed there what was he doing he had no clothes on it was eight-thirty in the morning and your mum gets that look in her eye like she’s about to burst into laughter or about to really lose her temper and she bursts into laughter and you can’t believe it and she gives you a hug and says still laughing oh love, I’m sorry.
Your mum and dad are sitting on the moon, the curve of the crescent like a shield, they’re holding hands tightly smiling great big smiles and glowing, their see-through shadows and that of the moon just behind them on the backdrop of stars. Your mum and dad are standing happy in front of a picket fence, your dad’s muscles showing through his T-shirt, your mum’s skirt is pleated her hair is set and glossy they’re holding a wee baby and they’re hugging. Your dad is on top of a grassy sand dune in Mr Universe pose big muscles on his arms and chest and legs he’s wearing a pair of 1950s men’s bathers, you can see his belly button and the line of hair that meets it growing up from his shorts, you feel a bit rude or something looking at him like that but you keep looking even though you’re supposed to be dusting your mum said it’s time for a spring clean. You hate housework. There used to be a photo of your dad lined up with all the other prison officers at Pentridge, you don’t really remember when it got taken down you’ve just realised that it’s not there any more. Water’s splashing on the windows Maureen and Theresa are outside they’re supposed to be washing them, your mum’s doing the venetians the whole place looks bigger your father’s out the sun’s on the carpet all the doors are open. You say to your mum mum, where’s that photo? and she says what photo Josie? You go you know, that one of dad lined up in his uniform, he’s got his arms folded. She says oh, it’s probably in the box. You wait a bit and then you say how come he doesn’t work? Your mum says Josie and you say well, you do, she says that’s different and you say how? She says Josie sometimes things are very hard for your dad. You say is that why he had the heart attack that time? She says your dad never had a heart attack and you say but wasn’t he in hospital once, I mean before, you know…She says I didn’t think you’d remember that, you say I was eight mum and she says yes, you were and runs the dirty purple cloth along the blinds bending and cracking. Then you say what happened, was he sick? She says he needed a rest love and you say why? she says Josie and you go I’m only asking. She wrings the cloth out into the bucket one side of her face lit up by the sun and she says do you remember Big Gordy? A man is in your mind then, in the loungeroom a tall man he’s holding a brown paper package you get to sit on his knee. You say is he the man who used to bring the licorice for us? and she says that’s right he did too, and she’s looking at you differently now like she’s measuring something out and then she says he was working at the prison with your dad, something happened and he got shot. You go killed? She says yes. You go god, she says one of the prisoners escaped he was on the roof, you go god and she says it was terrible for your dad, you say nothing and she says and then the prisoner got hanged. You go hanged? She says yes, you say shit, she says don’t swear, you say sorry I mean, god, I thought they stopped hanging people after Ned Kelly and she says no Ronald Ryan was the last. You say and dad was there? and your mum goes mmmhmm and you go god.
You keep dusting you try to fit the years together in your mind but nothing adds up. If that happened in 1967 you were only three which means that he went into hospital five years later and now you’re fourteen so that was six years ago so that’s eleven years altogether and he went into hospital for the first time seriously just last year even though it feels longer than that, the years tumble around in your head and everything’s on top of everything else.
Your hair’s really long and curly cut in layers kind of browny with red bits shining through in the sun you’ve been growing it for ages it feels good on your back on your shoulders everybody always tells you how nice your hair is. You’re sick of it. You go to the hairdresser’s Linda reckons you’re mad but she still comes with you. She says why do you want to get your hair cut? you say I just do. You’re dressed up in your new Eastcoast jeans and your aqua-coloured angora-blend jumper with little beads on it that you got from K-mart but you can’t tell, and you put on some kohl too. You go to a really good hairdresser’s, Queens in Lygon Street that you read about in Helen’s Mode. Everything is dark inside with mirrors and black wooden chairs all the hairdressers are tall and dressed like the magazines you wish you had better clothes. This guy comes over he’s really tall he’s got long black curly hair he’s wearing a purple silk shirt tucked into black leather pants, boots with heels and hair on his chest. He looks at you in the mirror and says I’m Rocky, you go I’m Josephine, he says who? you say Josie, he says Josie and picks up your hair. Hmmm, what shall we do? he says. Umm, I’d like it short you say. Short, he says. And kind of in at the back you add. Kind of in at the back he says, dropping the hair he’s holding. Vanessa he calls and over she comes, big lips black leather and stilettos, you follow her to the black basin the seat slips forward as your neck cranes back she runs hot water over your head spraying into your eyes, she shampoos you her fingers over your scalp strong and rubbing hard. She wraps your head in a black towel you’ve never seen black towels before your eyes pulled tight, water trickling down the back of your neck and you go and sit in front of the mirror again watching yourself wondering if you’re pretty waiting for Rocky, Linda’s sitting in a black cane chair by the window looking at Vogue. He finally comes over and takes the towel off your head. Such a lot of hair he says and you don’t know what to say you just blush. How short would you like to go? he asks and you go umm, about here pointing to your neck but kind of in at the back. Ye-es he says and goes and gets a black comb and a pair of little silver scissors. He starts cutting and your hair becomes a pool of millipedes on the floor below, masses of little dark curls swirling and you look into the mirror to see if you’re changing.
After he finishes cutting he spends ages blow-waving then he gets a mirror and shows you what you look like from all angles. It’s much longer than you wanted you’ve got a part down the centre and all the blow-waving did was give you two sausages and it doesn’t go in at the back, you wanted to look like somebody else but you still look like yourself but much worse, you don’t know what to say you’re nearly crying. Short enough for you? says Rocky and you just nod. You pay with the money that you’ve saved up and you leave with Linda and as soon as you’re on the street you say what am I going to do? Linda says what? you go it’s horrible, she goes no it’s not, you look like Olivia Newton-John, you start to cry a bit but you hold back, kohl runs really easily you don’t want to look any worse, you’ll never look the way you want to.
You’re getting in trouble from your dad and you don’t even know why. Everything was all right today and you opened the door to the loungeroom to say hello to him when you got home from school and you didn’t mind when he told you to go to the shop for him to get a family-sized block of Cadbury’s peppermint chocolate. When you got back you gave it to him and said I’m just going up to Linda’s, dad. He says come here so you take a step forward. Where are you going? he says. Just up to Linda’s you say. He says what have you been up to lately? You go oh, just school and stuff and he says what else? You say nothing dad. He says what are you doing at school? You say Maths and English and P.E. I’m on the softball team we went to Sandringham yesterday to play them. He says did you win? and you tell him yes. He nods and smiles and says good good then looks at you his eyes have gone little, and what else have you been up to? You go nothing and he says tell me the truth, you go I haven’t been doing anything and he says don’t lie I can tell by the way you walk, miss, what you’ve been up to and you go what? He says and look at your clothes, you say I’m wearing my uniform, he says don’t backchat, you say I’m not backchatting. He says listen biddy just you pull your socks up right, you might be able to fool your mother but you can’t fool me. You go I haven’t done anything and he yells at you I know what you’ve been doing! The force of his voice shocks through you and pushes you out of the loungeroom through the front door slamming, down the garden path that’s bent like an elbow cracked like a fracture, you follow it all the way and find yourself at Linda’s.
Linda’s place is really different from yours. Everything’s really neat the lawn is a lawn and not just grass and the rose bushes grow lots of roses. They’ve got a carport as well as a garage and in the backyard there’s a vegie patch where Mr Valero goes after he comes home from Ford. The good armchairs that aren’t for sitting on are covered in plastic and there aren’t very many ornaments just some photos of Mrs Valero’s mum and dad in England. Mrs Valero’s not Italian she’s English, and one of Linda and her brother and sister in their school uniforms, there’s a cabinet that’s full of trophies, soccer basketball netball football cricket, Linda’s brother is really good at sport he’s captain of everything. Linda’s really good at sport too and a couple of the trophies are very old they’re real silver they’re Mr Valero’s from when he used to play soccer in Italy, but aside from these things and a coffee table and a knitting basket that belongs to old Mrs Valero Mr Valero’s mum, the television and the settee, there’s nothing else, no books, no pictures, no knick-knacks. All the walls are painted a creamy colour and the carpet is just plain grey. You don’t come in through the front door you have to go round the back, there’s parts of Linda’s house that you’ve never even seen but you know where everything is because it’s the same layout as your Aunty Edna’s house. Aunty Edna’s not really your aunty but you call her that anyway because she’s Irish she’s from Dublin she’s married to Uncle Les who’s Australian she’s a really good friend of your mum’s you’ve known her since you were born and she just lives around the corner from your house.
Linda’s place smells really different too, her parents don’t smoke except her dad sometimes when he’s in the vegie patch but that’s outside, the smell doesn’t come in. Her mum makes osso bucco and sometimes you stay for tea. They have dinner really early at Linda’s before it even gets dark, their kitchen table is round and when you’re there everybody has to squash up to fit in the extra chair. You like having dinner at Linda’s. Her brother’s a spunk. Mrs Valero’s really nice she always asks how you are and how your mum is and all your sisters she even remembers their names, Mr Valero doesn’t say much and when he does he’s got this really strong accent so you don’t understand what he’s saying anyway and old Mrs Valero’s really little she always wears black she lives in the bungalow in the backyard she always smiles at you and pinches your cheek saying bella, you know what that means but mostly Linda has to translate, you speak Italian a bit but you don’t understand her nonna she talks in dialect really fast. After dinner they have Vienna bread with jam and cream and if you stay there long enough you get to have supper as well. You don’t have supper at your house you didn’t even know what it was, sometimes it’s Tim-Tams sometimes it’s pancakes but you don’t have much only a little bit to be polite you have to watch your weight. If you and Linda go out you usually go for a walk to see Sharon at the milk bar, but sometimes Linda isn’t allowed to so then you stay in her bedroom and read Dolly and talk about everything, who you hate at school and who you’re rapt in. You’re not rapt in anyone except for Dave, Linda’s rapt in Rocka you help her write his name in biro on her arm. You talk about your dad a little bit not much just that you hate him, Linda hates her dad too, she hates her brother as well.
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Your mum looks really pretty she’s got lipstick on she’s swirling round in her skirt your dad’s quick on his feet he holds her hand and twirls her, Bill Haley and the Comets are on the record-player singing ‘Rock Around the Clock’ it’s late afternoon on a Friday. They wave at you as though you’re a long way away, big laughs on their faces and you go hi and stand there watching them. Rosie comes up behind you and says they’ve been going for ages. They come over to you, your mum grabs your hand pulls you in, your dad pulls Rosie in they start trying to dance with you, you feel really stupid. Your mum says oh come on, you should have plenty of energy and she tickles you making you laugh even though you’re trying not to, your dad is showing Rosie how to spin around you’re glad it’s her with him not you, you don’t want to have to touch him, all skinny he looks really old like an old dero and you’re really glad that none of your friends can see him. Holding both of your hands so that you can’t get loose your mum starts doing the Twist making you move with her then Maureen comes in with Theresa just behind her saying show me mum, she lets go of you and starts dancing with them. ‘Rock Around the Clock’ finishes and your dad gets out the Sentimental Journey collection he got from Reader’s Digest he and your mum start doing the Pride of Erin around the loungeroom, Maureen and Theresa start doing it too except they don’t know the steps they’re just pretending, sometimes they can be so immature.
You think about who you would have been, what would have happened to you if your parents had never known each other, whether you would have been born at all and you wish your parents had never met, you wish your parents weren’t your parents, it’d be better if you were someone else you’d like to be somebody else, you could have been anybody.
You’re so fat you’re a pig. You better lose some weight you had a Mars Bar today that’s why you’re so fat even though you only had breakfast yesterday so you better do an extra hundred sit-ups and have some laxatives. Laxatives are a good way to lose weight and they don’t leave a horrible taste in your mouth, not really not like when you throw up. If you throw up you make lots of noise and you hate it if people can hear. It’s good for you too to be regular and you’ve been a bit constipated lately but not like that time you didn’t go to the toilet for a whole week and got dizzy spells and hot flushes. It’s good to flush out your system it’s not good to strain on the toilet but you don’t have to if you take laxatives and you’ve got some under your undies in the drawer, as long as your mum hasn’t searched your room like she did that time and found all those pills that Robbie Douglas sold you at school. You took half of them and fell asleep in the dunnies and hid the other half in your T-shirt drawer. Your mum found them and got them checked, they were antihistamines so you were safe but you were really pissed off with Robbie Douglas because he said they were Valiums and not only that but it was private and she was perving on your private stuff. You hope she hasn’t found the laxatives because you know what would happen, she’d make you sit down and she’d put them on the table in front of you and say what are these? You wouldn’t say anything and she’d go don’t shrug your shoulders and you’d say I don’t know. Then she’d say I found them in your drawer you should know and you’d keep picking your nails and she’d say stop picking your nails! so you would and you’d just look around. Then your mum would say in a soft voice Josie love, they’re laxatives, so you would say well if you know why did you ask me? and you’d see the look on her face and you’d have to keep going so then you’d tell her to mind her own business why did she go through your drawers it was private can’t you have any privacy around here you hate this stupid house you can’t wait till you’re old enough to leave. Your mum would be really mad by now and she’d be going don’t you dare speak to me like that young lady and you’d just leave and go up the shops and sit in Raci’s car and have bongs and go to the park with Dave and you wouldn’t come home till everyone was in bed. Except your dad because he’d have the telly on in the loungeroom all blue and flickering and scratchy with the lights off. You’d stick your head in the door but he’d be snoring away so you’d probably cover him up with the blanket and he’d get a fright and fling his arm up so you’d quickly go out of the loungeroom in case he’d wake up and maybe there’d be five dollars on the floor you could have. You’d probably wake your sisters up when you’d come into the bedroom because you’d have to turn the light on and Maureen and Theresa would grumble at you but it’s not your fault you have to share a bedroom with them so you’d tell them to shut up but then you’d feel bad so you’d say sorry and they wouldn’t say anything so you wouldn’t care you’d just hate them. But you don’t think your mum will have gone through your drawers, you really hope not anyway you really need those laxatives and you concentrate on doing your extra hundred sit-ups because there is no way you are going to be a fat pig.
It’s good lying on the floor in front of the telly your hands holding up your chin your dad’s not home today you can watch whatever you want. He went to the football St Kilda versus South Melbourne he said does anybody want to come? but nobody did. Your mum comes into the loungeroom and watches telly too the light from the venetians making snakes on the ceiling. An ad comes on and she says Josie love, what are you going to do? and you go when? She says no, I didn’t mean that, what would you like to do, for a job? You go oh mum and she says well you have to think about it sometime and you go yeah I know but you don’t want to think about it now it’s too far away, once you get there then you’ll know. Your mum says you have to think about your future and you go well I don’t know what I’m going to do. She says do you think you’ll still keep seeing Dave? and you go I don’t know, don’t you like him? She says yes I think he’s very nice, I just don’t know if he’s the right person for you. You say I’m going to keep seeing him. She says think about your future and you go yeah right, what future? She says your father and I are worried about you and you go who, dad? and she says of course your dad. Then she doesn’t say anything and you think good, you made her shut up and you’re feeling like you don’t know where to look so you just look at the carpet the green and blue short-loop nylon pile carpet $100 for the whole house, you’re nearly crying but you’re not going to you thought she really liked Dave. Then she says well, just think about it love.
So you do. You lie there thinking about the kind of things that you think about all the time, about how you’re not going to live here any more, about how you’re going to be somebody, somebody else. About how you’d like to make things, the things you see, not just things though, you’d like to be able to make things that mean things. Like the way Linda’s jawline is square and yours goes around and the way you can walk in step but you still walk differently. Like when you look at a brick wall and you can see the builders building it, the designer designing it, the truck-driver driving, the earth coming out of the quarry to make the bricks, the cement-mix operator getting up in the morning to drive to work, if there’s posters peeling on the brick wall you can see the person who printed them, you can see the trees that the paper came from in some forest and you wonder how come you think about things like that. Like the way you can remember your first painting at kindergarten it was an octopus in a rockpool in the big ocean and nobody else remembers that you did it, you’re the only person in the world with that memory and the way that makes you feel. Like the colours in your mind, the lines the flashes the swells and the shrinkings of those colours in the space between being awake and being asleep or when you sit and think. You want to be able to make these things because it’s not enough, it’s just not enough that only you know them, they really mean something and you want to catch that meaning and make it solid and give it to someone else. You’re thinking all these things but you can’t say any of it to your mum the words don’t fit your mouth so you keep it shut lying there in front of the telly pulling dog hairs out of the carpet. The Saturday afternoon epic is on Channel 9, Channel 9 with the big dots, you like the togas they’re wearing you wish you were alive in Egypt in the pyramids you’d like to be Cleopatra. The colours on the telly are flat and smooth jumping out when people move around and you let yourself go into the colours into the spaces between the little dots on the screen.
Raci says do you want to make some money? You’re sitting in his big silver Ford Falcon with him and Moose and Hasan and your boyfriend Stretch but you call him Dave because that’s his real name. Dave says shut up willya to Raci and Raci goes to burn him with the lighter and Dave says piss off. Raci looks at you again and says do you want to make some moula? Dave says no she doesn’t and you say yeah, how? and Raci says all you have to do is stand in Fitzroy Street until some guy comes along and you take him around the corner and we’ll be there to bash him and we’ll get his money no worries. Dave says she’s not doing it and corks Raci in the arm so Raci gets him in a headlock but they’re only mucking around they’ve been mates for ages they always muck around like that. They’re in the Black Dragons together and Dave’s called the wog because he’s the only skip out of about fifty guys. You’ve been going with him for four months and two weeks now and he gave you a friendship ring out of plaited silver that you wear on your left ring finger and your dad told you to get it off what, do you think you’re engaged? but you keep it on because your mum said it was all right don’t worry about your father and anyway you love Dave. He’s really tall and he’s got good muscles and tattoos on his arms and chest. When you started going together he got a new tatt that he said was for you even though it didn’t have your name in it. He carved Stretch 4 Josie 4 Eva on the mailbox up the shop but he left one of the ts out of Stretch so it says Strech 4 Josie 4 Eva but you don’t mind and you always look at it and hope your mum doesn’t see it when she comes up to get the milk and bread. Whenever Dave comes to your house he always wears long sleeves because he doesn’t want your mum and dad to see his tatts, he’s worried they won’t like him if they know he’s got tatts and he wants them to like him because he really likes you. You know your mum likes him you don’t care about your dad, well sort of but not really but you’d probably get in trouble if your dad saw his arms so it’s better that he covers them up. Your mum said she was worried that he was a little bit old for you. You said it was okay because you turn fifteen in a couple of months so it’s not really that big an age difference and your mum just looked at you sort of smiling and didn’t say anything.
Linda says do you and Dave, you know? You say what? and she says you know. You go Linda and she goes carn, tell me and so you say yes and she says I knew it that’s what Rocka said and you say how does Rocka know? Linda reckons he only knows because him and Dave are good mates but she doesn’t think that anyone else knows except probably Raci and you feel sort of embarrassed but something else too. It’s sort of like it’s good to know that Dave has been bragging to the boys about you and you kind of don’t really mind if they know that you’re doing it with Dave and they’re probably jealous because they’ll never get to lay a hand on you, you would never do it with any of them and also because you’re Stretch’s girlfriend they can’t touch you. Yeah, that feels good, it’s kind of like in that song, you can look but you better not touch, but you don’t say any of that to Linda in case she thinks you’re a moll or something. Then she says were you a virgin before Dave? You look at your nails to see if they’re dry yet you’re at Linda’s doing manicures and you blow on them and say no, not really and she goes oh. You don’t tell her about last year with Fabio. She waves her hand around in the air and says me too, with Rocka I mean. And it’s like she’s about to say something else like it sometimes is with Linda when you’re talking so you wait but she doesn’t so you very carefully so as not to wreck your nails light a couple of smokes and pass one of them to her. She’s got on Blue Heaven Frost you’ve got on Mandarin Glow but you’ll probably peel it off soon because it makes you feel like you can’t breathe or something it’s kind of hard to explain but you can’t wear it for very long it’s weird when you look down and see colours on the end of your fingers but it’s fun doing manicures. Then Linda says if somebody asked you to give them a head job would you? You say I have and she goes really? kind of laughing with her eyes wide open and you say yeah, it’s all right. She says with Dave? and you say mmhmmm. You still don’t tell her about Fabio. She says that in Cosmopolitan they said it’s like eating an ice-cream and you say bullshit, more like a hot dog and you both piss yourselves you’re blushing at the same time but you know you can trust Linda she’s your best friend she won’t tell anybody anything.
You’re going up the shops one day it’s nearly dark as you’re getting there you see Gino sitting on top of the bright red postbox straddled riding it like a horse. The boys are all standing around clapping in time calling oo, oo, oo. They get bigger as you get nearer they’ve seen you coming they’re not as close together they stop calling out they’re just laughing then Dave’s got his arm around you, he picks you up in his big way and says hi beautiful I’ve been waiting for you. You go over to the park and some of the others come too, Linda Debbie Gino Raci, Moose and Vince and Drago Filev. Filev’s got a magazine that he’s showing to Moose and Vince. Raci’s talking to Linda and Debbie and you, Dave’s holding you Gino’s hanging off the swing-frame sharp against the street light. You hear fat Vince going I’d give it to her, Moose goes oh man and Gino’s kind of laughing, you hear all this even though Raci’s talking and Debbie’s carrying on you can hear their voices over everything. Linda calls out bring it over here, give us a gig and you go yeah. Dave gets your earlobe into his mouth you don’t say anything else you just lean into him more letting him stay there he smells nice he just washed his hair. Moose has got the magazine now he’s crouched down between Linda and Debbie, Debbie’s going oh yuk looking at it Linda’s not saying anything then she grabs it and chucks it and the boys laugh. Raci picks it up and offers it to Dave who says I don’t need it mate pressing into you. You take it off him, it’s open at a full-page picture that you can’t make out at first and then you do and it’s gross. The girl in the picture’s got on suspenders and lace stockings and you’d have to be a real slut to do what she’s doing, you look at it you don’t see anything else except that, filling your eyes. Dave moves, his shadow hides the picture you drop the magazine onto the sand under the swing and say that’s revolting. Moose is sitting next to Linda now, Rocka isn’t out tonight, she’s holding her knees looking at Moose from the side. Raci and Gino and Debbie have gone over to the slide and fat Vince has got the magazine again and throws it into the bin but only pretending, he pulls it out again he’s such a dickhead. You and Dave leave the park he walks you home strolling slow and easy his hip fitting into your waist your hand in the back pocket of his jeans holding his arse you love the feel of it and the way he walks.
You stay home from school for a couple of days and when you go back you go to the dunnies first thing and everybody says where’ve ya been ya scrag? You tell them that you’ve had this really bad rash it’s okay now but don’t get too close you might catch it so everybody keeps away a bit. Good. Then Lisa Debono goes germs one too many times so you catch her and rub yourself on her to get her back the bitch even though she tries to act like you’re only mucking around. You’re glad you’re back, even though you hate school you hated staying at home. All these little red spots all over you, you itch like crazy and scratch so much that you have to wear these special white gloves that your mum got from the chemist. Then you find out what scabies really are and it freaks you right out, insects burrowing into your skin laying eggs that feed off you ugh! and you keep trying to scrape them out with your nails you even tried getting one out with a needle and you found one, it’s so revolting. They’re inside you crawling swirling wriggling around and you’re not telling anyone no way. You have to have these baths and put this lotion all over you but you can’t reach your back so your mum has to do it for you, you don’t want her to see your tits so you try to hide them and pretend you’re not but your mum says I’ve seen it all before Josie which makes it worse and you keep itching like mad. Your mum thinks you got them from Angela McDonald because you borrowed her jumper so she tells you not to go to Ange’s but you will anyway because you didn’t get them from her you got them from Dave who got them when he was in the lock-up that time and you’re pissed off with him because you remember that day when you saw spots on his dick and you said you’ve got spots on your dick and he said no I haven’t and now you know for sure because they’re very contagious but he’s got them worse than you because he let them go so it serves him right.
Everything’s mostly quiet in Maths and you like the way the dust looks in the sun in the portables and you feel like you’re not really at school out here you’re not really anywhere and you like being nowhere. You like looking at the dust and the way the sun shines in people’s hair and you like equations the way everything fits together and means nothing and everything and a pattern comes out of nowhere and the shapes of everything look different in the quiet out here in the portables. You’re not supposed to be here because you got sprung out of uniform by the vice-principal and she told you to go home and don’t come back until you’re in uniform and you say I’ve got Maths and she says go home so you leave her office and run the long way around to the Maths Room, Room 9A. You undo the two top buttons of your shirt and make yourself breathy and you go in and lean on Wellsy’s desk and he says you’re late. You say Mr Wells I really like Maths, breathing your breathy breath, and he says yes and you say Mrs Ericson told me to go home because I’m out of uniform but I like Maths and isn’t it better that I stay and learn? and you look him in the eye because it’s true and it’s a hot day and his forehead’s sweaty and he says Josie, you should go home and you say please Mr Wells all innocent and you hope your eyeliner isn’t smudged. He looks at your face quickly and says if she comes around I don’t know anything and you say oh thanks Mr Wells! You go and sit next to Sharon who’s saved a seat for you and you call out if she does I’ll hide and Sharon calls out up my dress and Wellsy says right that’s enough and Sharon says just loud enough hard-on and he says get to work. You finish everything on the board and get up to walk out. Where are you going? Wellsy asks. Home you say and he says come here and you go god as you go to his desk. You show him your book, he looks at it, marks everything and says go on to the next chapter and you say what for? looking out the window. He shuts your book hard and you sit down again because you can’t be bothered now doing anything else and start the equations in the next chapter where all the numbers are letters but not really and you look at them and everything adds up just right. You put that there, multiply that over that, divide and everything’s equal smooth and difficult and easy and the patterns of the letters that are numbers stay in you and they make shapes with lots of edges. You glide on those shapes on those letters in your mind and it’s all golden and blue sunshiny bits of dust floating, answers come easy answers are just there and every time an answer happens you go oh! inside you and there’s more room to glide, glide on those shapes on those letters that are numbers and everything has a place. Josephine Cregan! Your head snaps up sharp. It’s Ericson. You’re sprung bad you’re going to get it fuck it you should have gone before so now you have to go up to the office again and she makes you wait for so long that you miss recess and then finally, you get to go.
You’re not going to go home, you go to the city like always because there’s nowhere else and you walk around and hate everybody in their suits in their shoes. You go to Flinders Street downstairs to the pinnie place and squash your cigarette out on the carpet and look around but nobody saw. You go to a game that’s free and put your money in, you end up tilting the game you push it that hard the silver balls going, lights and bing-bong sounds rat-a-tat. There’s an old bloke a few games away who’s gradually gotten closer he’s been there ever since you came in you noticed him straight away noticing you, you act like he’s not there. Now your game’s over you’re just standing there smoking he’s a creep looking at you so you stare, looking right through him and he tries to smile a bit and you slag into the ashtray. You put more money into the slot to keep playing even though you don’t really feel like it but there’s a couple of spunks who’ve just walked in so you hang around a bit more but they don’t talk to you and anyway you’re going with Dave. You watch your cigarette smoke curl and like the way it’s blue when it comes off the cigarette and sort of brown when it comes out of your mouth and you blow smoke rings and wonder what happens to the smoke when it’s not there any more.
Things look good in windows all lined up in colours in shapes, you like the shoes and wonder what you’d look like with different ones on and clothes to match, suede with heels, boots with lots of holes and high heels flat boots shiny patent leather shoes big buckles like your old Irish dancing hard-shoes, embroidered slippers special slip-ons with sequins silver runners, you see the fine hand-stitching and know that somebody somewhere has thought these shoes up drawn pictures somebody somewhere has killed a cow to make the leather, somebody has cut it out and someone else has sewn it up. In the jewellery shop windows the jewels are shining the gold is really gold not just plated, there’s jade there’s diamonds real rubies amethysts and emeralds, chains and necklaces and bracelets and brooches tie-pins and earrings, half the stuff you wouldn’t even wear it’s so ugly but you can’t stop looking. All the clothes shops are different, lots of them on every street, sometimes elegant, smooth, with only a jacket or a dress in the window or sometimes a whole outfit the way you’re supposed to wear it, one shop up the end of Collins Street is just a window with a curtain and a great big party frock sitting on a chair, one shop in Swanston Street has got so much stuff that you don’t know where to look first, shirts and tops and skirts pants scarves, hats and dresses all bundled together hanging over one another. Handbag shops are pretty stupid but the windows look good, soft bags hard bags little ones and big, wallets suitcases evening bags purses pouches sling bags string bags shoulder bags all arranged in colours. You go to Pipe Records in the little arcade tucked into the corner like a secret, all the record covers taking you to places that you never could have imagined and you wonder if the records would sound the same as the covers look.
Up the other end of the city far away from Bourke Street Swanston Street trams and shops and cars and pedestrians, there’s some empty buildings with dirty windows and pissy doorways, that’s where you’d like to live, upstairs looking out staircases and strange big walls you’d have a studio you’d paint all day and sleep there at night, sounds of the city coming up from below, whooshes and footsteps and sirens and engines and fragments of voices and thumps and clanks and squeals making you wonder where they came from, the quiet layerings of sound upon sound through all the hours of the night feeding your dreams. You could be a sculptor instead making statues out of clay, all the faces of all the people in the city you see, rows and rows of ugly faces old faces little faces bulbous noses cheekbones skinny lips and fat ones, slanting eyes squinting eyes round eyes blue brown and black eyes, catch the clenching of a fist, the air in chest, the way a leg in jeans unfolds, hands holding hands or books or bags, hips and knees moving in rhythms particular and only, you’d make everything you see, all in rows all on display all for everybody else.
*
You get the two-thirty train home from the city to make it home at the right time so you don’t look suspicious or anything. You walk down the hill it’s been raining warm rain, the road’s bumpy and shiny. You hope your dad’s not home you’re hoping hoping fingers crossed. Your house is the only house in the street with no driveway and no fence and when you get to a certain point you can see far enough into the garden to see whether or not his van is there. It is and you feel that thing in your stomach that makes you wish you weren’t there and you turn and go back up the street and sort of hang around on the corner for a while waiting for one of your sisters so you won’t be the only one home with him.
Your sister Helen’s going up to Con’s place she’s going with him now, you’re going to Dave’s she says walk with me, you go okay. She goes come on and you tell her to hang on you’re doing up your straps and by the time they’re done she’s halfway up the street you have to run to catch her. The two of you start walking in step then hopping—one two three hop! one two three hop!—Helen’s grouse like that she makes everything fun. She starts doing impressions of your dad his deep voice growling thick calling you biddy telling you to make a toasted cheese sandwich for him on the double and don’t you talk to your mother like that miss. You start impersonating your mum, just the sound of her voice, no words, going high and low and laughing then arguing, Helen keeps doing your dad you keep doing your mum all the clouds around you filling up the sky green and purple with pink edges, Helen’s hair is long and curly, her T-shirt bright and stripey. Then you say so Con hey? and she goes yeah and you say do you have sex with him? She laughs and says what do you think? You go do you like it? she laughs again and says what do you think? and you smile and look at the cracks in the footpath passing. Then she says what about you? you go what? and she says are you, you know, a virgin? and you laugh and go what do you think? She says you’re too young so you say how old were you? and she doesn’t say anything she just pushes you. Then she says can you keep a secret? Yes you say, the cracks moving slow underfoot. She says I think I’m pregnant. You’re really close to Helen you see your two pairs of feet walking together the woven suede of your treads make patterns like feathers close up, yours are green and blue hers are the colour of the sunset. You think about how after a root you always think you’re pregnant and you never know for sure until you get your next period, and what it must feel like to not get your period, it’s not just late, it really isn’t coming. You think about how Helen would look her stomach all fat maybe you would get her clothes that didn’t fit her any more and you could hold her little baby and take it for walks and you say to Helen grouse! I’m going to be an aunty! and she goes Josie but she’s laughing and you say are you going to tell mum? and she says I’ve only told you and you go but it’s so exciting and she says you dag and you go what are you going to do? She says I don’t know I don’t even know for absolute sure yet but Con will help me. She’s looking straight ahead. You say I’d really like to be an aunty you know, jumping in front of her bouncing skipping backwards she goes to get you and says well, you’re not going to be, have your own babies and you go half-singing preg-gers preg-gers and turn around and start running because Helen’s started to chase you.
You’re walking home from school one afternoon it’s hot the roads are soft you’ve got gravel stuck to your soles. Dave’s waiting for you at the shops you haven’t seen him for three days. He’s got scabs on his face all his perm’s gone you don’t recognise him at first he doesn’t look like a spunk and his eyebrows aren’t there. You can’t kiss because of his lips you say what happened? and he says we burnt a car down the creek and I was too close. You laugh and say I hope your hair grows back soon otherwise you’re dropped, nah, didn’t mean it but you don’t mention his eyebrows. Him and Raci and Moose get sprung a week later but the others don’t and Dave has to go to court with twenty-seven charges including grand theft auto.
He gets bail and on his last weekend before sentencing you want to have a special night together so he books a room at the Meadow Inn Hotel Motel. You tell your mum that you’re going to stay at Sharon’s place that night because you’re going to the football tomorrow and you have to get up early to get a good seat. When you get to the top of the street and around the corner you go to Debbie’s place so she can help you get ready. You’ve got on your new Westco stretch size 8s that you had to do up with a coathanger but it’s okay because you’ll lose weight soon. You spend ages getting ready because you’re so nervous even though you don’t know why but he’s going to prison and you’re really going to miss him you say to Debbie. She says he really likes you, you know and you say do you think so? and she says yeah and puts your eyeliner on for you and helps you do your hair. Finally you’re all ready with your new double-breasted purple shirt on and Debbie says have a great time I hope it’s really special, you look great and you go thanks Debbie and you really mean it and you walk up to the Meadow Inn hoping you’re not going to see your dad, that’s where he drinks but it’s a big place and he only goes to the front bar. Dave’s at a table in the Bronco Lounge and when he kisses you your stomach goes a bit funny and you go a bit shy. He tells you that you look great even though your hair’s probably all messed up now from the wind and your foundation’s a bit shiny from walking but you give him a smile and tell him he looks really nice too. His hair’s grown back it’s not as long as it was but it still looks all right and he’s got on his new jeans as well. You order whiting and salad and he gets the pepper steak well-done and beer and you have a screwdriver then another one you really like screwdrivers and you don’t feel that shy any more so you have a pash. After dinner you go straight to your room that he booked, room number 10. Dave has a quick shower then he gets into bed and says come on sexy with a big smile and you go just wait and you have a shower too. You put on your nice nightie the short satiny one with shoestring straps and the frill on the bottom and you brush your teeth properly. You get into bed it’s a big double bed and the light’s off just the lamp is on and Dave pulls your nightie up he’s still got his jocks on you pull them down. Then there’s a knock on the door. You both go go away at the same time but they knock again. You say piss off but Dave says I think it’s Ray. A voice says Dave and Dave says it is I knew it and gets up and lets his Uncle Ray in who’s got a six-pack and a new packet of Marlboro and he sits down in the armchair at the end of the bed. Dave gets back in, the warm of him next to you soft, a shiver in his leg. Ray cracks a tinnie for you, you only have it to be polite because you don’t like beer that much and it tastes worse than usual because you’ve just brushed your teeth. Dave and Ray are talking away, you think about the light of the lamp how it removes the corners of the room and makes your skin look different. Then there’s another knock at the door. It’s Julie Dave’s aunty Ray’s wife and you’re just lying there smoking pretending to drink beer, the ceiling low above you, they all talk and you yawn and don’t even cover it up. Under the blanket Dave puts his hand on your stomach and slides it down slowly and further. You try to keep your face straight but you can’t help yourself, you have to look at him and you can’t believe it. He’s talking away not looking at you like nothing’s happening but you can see him smiling. You slide under the blankets a bit more, Ray and Julie are still talking and carrying on and now they’ve started on the six-pack Julie brought with her they’re going to be here all night. You yawn again and Dave’s hand slips out as you roll over and smell the new smell of the bright white pillowcase. You must have dozed off because the next thing you know Dave’s voice is in your ear all warm and hot and sexy and whispering and they’ve gone it’s just you and him and it’s great and he says I love you and you say me too let’s stay here forever and everything’s a goldy colour and sweaty under the sheets and you roll around and stay in his hug all night.
Summer’s really hot and goes on forever you want to stay inside you don’t want to go out you can’t be bothered. It’s cooler inside anyway and nobody can see how fat you’re getting and you can eat ice-cream most of the day because it’s so hot. You go onto the front porch and sit on the step glaring bright light-grey concrete and sun. Through the crack in the footpath you can see down to where the crickets are you can see them rubbing their legs together that’s how they chirp. You pick up the old brick that’s always there near the porch, you’ll cover up the crack so the crickets can’t get out. The brick’s been there for ages it’s a bit stuck but you pull it out anyway from the long bits of grass. Underneath there’s a bald patch it’s full of butchyboys and worms and daddy-long-legs and white things all crawling swirling wriggling together they’re on the brick too. You drop it half-chucking it really quickly in case anything gets on you, you stand up and brush yourself off oo yuk! what if they’re on you! You pull open the flywire door by the loose flap even though you’re not supposed to you’re always getting told off for it. Inside it’s nice and cool really dark with points of flashing white and yellow but only until you get used to it which doesn’t take very long only a few seconds then everything’s just normal, it’s just the same old hallway. You go into the kitchen and your mum tells you to stop moping around you look like your best friend just died. You say oh, mum and go back out the front. The cement’s warm hard under your back and you test how long you can stare at the sun and you shut your eyes and watch the colours all flash and grow and move around and you wish it was six o’clock so then you could watch ‘Countdown’.
Dave’s been inside for a month now he got a Y.T.C. because he just turned eighteen he was lucky it was his first sentence. Raci and Moose got sent to Bendigo because they’re both twenty and Moose has been in trouble before. Dave looked really good in court that day he was wearing a suit and his eyebrows had grown back completely he was very polite and showed remorse but he still got a heavy sentence for what he did especially as it wasn’t just him and he’s not a bad person. You cried a bit and only had five minutes to see him, you were with his mum and sister he doesn’t have a dad. He said I love you and you said it back even though you were really embarrassed in front of his mum and now he’s gone and you can only visit him every second Sunday. You still go up the shops even though it’s not the same but it’s better than being at home and everyone still gives you sympathy. You and Debbie and Linda and some of the boys are going to go out on Friday night they’ll look after you because you’re Stretch’s girlfriend and Linda’s only going to go if you go because she doesn’t like Debbie that much when she’s the only one with her.
Everything’s orange shining yellow in the black sky black road and traffic lights change street lights bright kind of whitish bright in the dark and everything’s electric. You all get out of the car you’ve got your button-through mini on, black tights and high heels but not too high and Linda reckons you could even pass for nineteen or twenty. You and her and Debbie all got ready together tonight at Debbie’s place Debbie’s really good with make-up her mum works at the chemist. Hasan’s driving he’s got a metallic green Statesman and Rocka and Sylvio and George the Russian who’s really good with nunchakus are all going too. You had to keep your head low, it was fun in the back with everybody and you know Debbie was wishing she was in the back too because she kept looking around but she’s rapt in Hasan that’s why she jumped in the front seat, her tag was sticking out the back of her dress but you didn’t tell her. You’re standing out the front of Kingston Rock and everybody looks older than you you’re worried that you won’t get in even though you know your false birthdate off by heart but the bouncers don’t say anything they just let you go straight in. The ceiling’s really high it’s all dark you should have worn more make-up. Rocka buys drinks you’re a little bit away from the others and Hasan’s there he says hold out your hand. You say no and he says hold out your hand. He’s smiling so you hold out your hand and he drops in two blue and red caps and says swallow these, don’t tell anyone so you do and you don’t. You’re drinking Scotch and Coke that tastes like burnt rubber until you drink doubles and that tastes worse but it’s better and Hasan says I’ll be back in a minute wait here. Debbie Harry is on the video screen you could look like her if you peroxided your hair. You go to tell Linda, her chair’s empty you better go and find her. The mirror ball’s turning slowly there’s the smell of dirty socks you don’t know if it’s you or the carpet and all the sounds are happening at once. You can’t find anyone there’s a whole crowd at the bar everybody’s all around you there’s a hand on your back it’s not Dave’s hand you’re not Dave you say drink a drink and laugh and you’re outside, skin snapping tight in the open cold air some skin soft skin his tongue and gappy teeth are shining where’s your jacket? it’s your sister’s shit where is it? better go inside better find Linda. Debbie’s there now inside she’s in the mirror you’re in the mirror big mirrors in the toilets sniffing rush everything flies by you’re laughing it stops and the table gets all wobbly underneath but the chair you sit on falls over where’s Hasan? Bojangles who said that? You run run on the road tram tracks and shining Bojangles Bojangles swishing in your ears and lights spangle you see his shape through the dark he’s got your arm kissing you into a corner. Then the car’s going really fast, pull over pull over, vomit’s sticking in your hair what did you have to do that for? You’ve lost your sister’s jacket she’s going to kill you shit she’s going to kill you where is everybody? You get caught in the seat-belt lay-back seats Hasan’s hot breath I’ll be careful and you do it and you tell him that you love Dave.
Dave’s sister Donna rings you up and says you fucken rag why did you two-time my brother while he’s in prison? You say what? and she says you fucken drug addict you’re just a little slut and you can’t even get the words out to say it wasn’t like that even though you know it was and you feel really bad and you get a bit upset and your mum says are you all right love? what’s the matter? She holds you you’re sitting on her knee even though you’re too big. Dave dropped me you say and she’s holding you rocking you a bit and says don’t cry there’s plenty of fish in the sea so then you know she doesn’t understand and you get out of her hug and splash your face with cold water and go up to Linda’s place and tell her what Donna said. You can smoke at Linda’s place in her room because her mum lets her smoke at home but her dad doesn’t know and you stay at Linda’s place for ages. Linda reckons Donna’s a real bitch for saying that especially as it wasn’t your fault and are you going to send Dave back his ring? You say I don’t know looking at it on your left ring finger and you tell Linda that he asked you to wait for him. You said yes even though you knew that you weren’t going to but you didn’t know what you were going to do. You didn’t want to get engaged you decided ages ago that you weren’t going to get married but you didn’t tell any of that to Dave because you still wanted to go with him and if you said anything he might drop you. Now you’re dropped anyway and it doesn’t matter nothing matters and maybe you’ll go with Hasan at least he’s got a car but you don’t even like him that much not like you like Dave and Dave’s sister’s a fat bitch and why did he drop you it’s not fair and your mum thinks Dave’s been in Adelaide she doesn’t know he’s in prison, if your dad ever found out you’d really get it then and you had to lie, if your parents knew they would have made you stop seeing him even though you’ve only seen him twice since he’s been in Malmsbury anyway and everything’s stupid and you’re never going to let yourself get as fat as his sister Donna no way.
You leave Linda’s, you walk home you walk everywhere walking is good for you it burns up all your calories you’re walking down the middle of the road all the trees are rustling. The wind’s all around you warm on your skin and everything feels big. The big wind the big sky the houses are hiding the road is long everything inside you is big and anything can happen on a night like tonight it’s full of anything. The wind’s on your skin in your hair you rush against it, it makes your blood go just go it’s all rushing and flapping around you and the sound of the trees is in you. The street lights are yellow everything is black and white and strange and grey it’s like you’re in a newspaper or an old movie and the light through the trees makes everything flicker and scratch and you look behind you just in case. When you get to your house your dad’s van’s in the garden and the loungeroom light’s still on which means your mum is probably still up too and you wish you didn’t live there. Everything’s still big inside you even when the flywire door bangs shut and you know you really are at home but when you’re lying on your bed with the street light coming in through the venetians onto your wall you can hear the trees blowing about in the wind, the rustling’s in you and if you blink your eyes really fast you can pretend it’s all a movie.