Forensic & the Navigators was first produced at Theatre Genesis on December 29,1967, with the following cast:
| FORENSIC: | Bob Schlee | |
| EMMET: | Lee Kissman | |
| OOLAN: | O-Lan Johnson-Shepard | |
| 1ST EXTERMINATOR: | Walter Hadler | |
| 2ND EXTERMINATOR: | Beeson Carroll |
The production was directed by Ralph Cook.
Black space. A small table center stage with a long white linen tablecloth that goes almost to the floor. An old-fashioned oil lamp in the center of the table. Two office-type swivel chairs at opposite ends of the table facing each other. FORENSIC sits in the stage-right chair with a notepad and pen in front of him. He has long blond hair, a brown cowboy hat, a long red scarf, a black leather vest, jeans and moccasins. EMMET sits at the other end of the table with a small portable typewriter in front of him with paper in it. He has long black hair, a green Cherokee headband, beads around his neck, a serape, jeans, and cowboy boots. An elaborate Indian peace pipe sits in the center of the table in a large glass ashtray. The stage is black. Sound of EMMET’s typewriter clacking. Silence. Whole cast sing in the dark.
WHOLE CAST:
We gonna be born again. Oh Lord.
We gonna get born again. Good Lord.
We gonna be born again.
Lord have mercy now.
We gonna be saved tonight. Oh Lord.
We gonna get saved tonight. Good Lord.
We gonna be saved tonight.
Lord have mercy now.
(They sing both verses three times through, then stop short. Silence. Sound of EMMET’s typewriter. The oil lamp slowly glows and becomes brighter. The light comes up full. As the characters become visible, they both relax from their writing and lean back in the chairs like executives. They stare at each other.)
FORENSIC: Where’s that woman, Emmet? Ya’ can’t count on her to get ya’ a hot meal on the table afore six A.M., then could ya’ tell me what kinda’ good is she? Tell me that one, Emmet.
(EMMET just stares at FORENSIC, then begins to type.)
So far as you’re concerned we’re really cutting out of here. I take it that that’s the story so far. Do I take it right, Emmet? Right or wrong? Do I take it right or wrong?
(He stands and slams his fist on the table. EMMET stops typing and looks at FORENSIC.)
Boy, I’ll cut you down! Answer me right or wrong!
EMMET: If you have to be stubborn, do it outside, Forensic. I’m writing a letter.
FORENSIC: Who to then? Tell me that much. Jesus, I feel so far out of what’s going on since you and everyone else decides we ain’t goin’ through with a whole plan that’s been goin’ on since we was ten years old.
EMMET: Sit.
(FORENSIC sits.)
Now, I’m writing to my mother and for me to do that I have to have my wits. Would you like a smoke?
FORENSIC: Your mother. Jesus. All right. I’ll light it.
(He picks up the peace pipe and lights it.)
EMMET: It’s no good being disappointed, Forensic. We’ve been through that. We have to just lay low for a while. We need you a lot so don’t go feeling left out of things. Right now we have to take care of certain business. We have to transfer the guns and the equipment. We have to individually escape. We have to be quiet. We have to do these things before we make any moves. If we make any other moves we’re screwed and that’s the end of that. We have to switch our sensibilities so that we’re not even pretending. So that we are transformed for a time and see no difference in the way we are from the way we were. We have to believe ourselves.
FORENSIC: Here.
(He hands the pipe to EMMET, who smokes it.)
It’s just chicken, Emmet, and you know it. It’s downright yellow and cowardly. We could blow that whole place up in less time than it would take to go through a sensibility switch. Besides, there’s people in there now who are really trapped for real. What about them? We’re out here switching disguises while they only think of ways to escape. We could blow that whole motherfucker sky high and you know it.
EMMET: Here.
(He hands the pipe to FORENSIC, who smokes.)
Don’t talk like a dumb kid, Forensic. You got any idea whatsoever what this project looks like from the outside, objectively, without emotion? Why, it looks overwhelming, Forensic. It’s a fucking desert fortress is what it amounts to. They’ve rebuilt it since the time of the Japanese, you know. It’s not the same camp at all. New plumbing, double inlaid wire fencing that fronts a steel wall thirty feet high with-out doors.
FORENSIC: How do they get in, then, and what difference does the plumbing make?
EMMET: By helicopter and the plumbing difference is that since its reconstruction we have no idea what the design is underground, which makes internal explosions almost out of the question.
FORENSIC: Then bomb the motherfucker.
EMMET: And kill all the inmates. RIGHT! BOMB THE MOTHER-FUCKER AND KILL ALL THE INMATES! THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, FORENSIC! OUT OF MY SIGHT! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!
(He stands and lunges for FORENSIC as OOLAN enters wearing a white hospital gown such as is worn by the insane, and sandals on her feet. She holds a frying pan with a single pancake in it. She circles the table flipping the pancake and catching it in the pan.)
OOLAN: You boys should have told me what hour it was getting to be. Why, my goodness sakes, I look at the clock and the time is getting to be way past the time for you boys’ breakfast. And you both know how uptight the two of you get when breakfast isn’t just exactly when you get the most hungry. So here it is. Hot and ready.
(She flips pancake onto the table. FORENSIC and EMMET stare at the pancake as as OOLAN smiles. EMMET sits back in his chair. OOLAN picks up the pipe and smokes it.)
EMMET: How many times I gotta’ tell you I don’t eat that buckwheat Aunt Jemima middle-class bullshit. I want Rice Krispies and nothing else. Is that clear?
FORENSIC: Get that pancake off the conference table, you stupid girl.
OOLAN: Here.
(She hands the pipe to FORENSIC, then picks up the pancake and eats it slowly as she watches them.)
FORENSIC: Emmet, you’re as soft and flabby as you say your enemies are.
EMMET: You’re pretty much of a shit yourself. Shit face.
(A loud knock that sounds like somebody banging on a steel door with a sledgehammer. EMMET and FORENSIC stand suddenly and pull out small ray guns they have concealed in their crotches. EMMET motions to OOLAN to answer.)
OOLAN: I can’t, my mouth is full.
(Another loud knock. EMMET motions again, more angry this time. OOLAN forces the pancake down and fixes her hair. She faces upstage and answers.)
Who is it? Just one moment, please.
(Another loud knock. EMMET motions again, really mad. OOLAN crosses up stage.)
Yes. Hello. Who is it, please?
EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: IT’S THE EXTERMINATOR, LADY!
OOLAN: Um—we don’t want any. Thank you anyway.
EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: DON’T WANT ANY WHAT? IT’S THE EXTERMINATOR. OPEN UP!
OOLAN: OK. Wait just a second.
(She turns to EMMET and shrugs her shoulders. EMMET and FORENSIC duck under the tablecloth and disappear. Another loud knock.)
Coming! Just hold tight.
(Two huge men appear in the light. They are dressed like California Highway Patrolmen, with gold helmets, gas masks, khaki pants and shirts, badges, boots, gloves, and pistols. They carry large tanks on their backs with hose and nozzle attachments which they hold in their hands. They just stand there and look around the room.)
Um—we haven’t had any rats here since last February, March, around in there.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Well, they told us to cover the place from top to bottom.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: You’ll have to leave, ma’am.
OOLAN: Fuck you. This is my home.
(EMMET’S VOICE is heard from under the table.)
EMMET’S VOICE: Cool it, Oolan.
(The EXTERMINATORS wander around, casing the joint.)
OOLAN: Um—don’t you think you had better check it out with your home office and see if you got the right place? I mean it would be awful if you got the wrong place. Don’t you think? What do you think, fellas?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: This is exactly the place, little girl.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: The table gives it away. Without the table or with the table in another place maybe it would be cause to call the home office. But with the table in the place it is and looking the way it does there is absolutely no doubt we have the right place.
(They both turn upstage to adjust nozzles and synchronize watches. As they do this FORENSIC and EMMET lift the table from underneath and move it upstage right so the table looks as though it moves by itself.)
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Now we have to synchronize our watches and adjust our nozzles and get ourselves ready.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: You’d better get out of here, lady. Without a gas mask you’re as good as dead.
(FORENSIC’S VOICE is heard from under the table.)
FORENSIC’S VOICE: Sing something, Oolan.
OOLAN: What?
EMMET: Anything.
(OOLAN starts singing “Ahab the Arab” and looking at the audience. The EXTERMINATORS turn and cross to OOLAN. She keeps singing and smiles at them. They see the table and cross up right and stare at it. They cross back to OOLAN and stare at her, then back to the table. This happens several times as OOLAN sings:)
AHAB THE ARAB
Well, let me tell you ’bout Ahab the Arab, the sheik of the burning sands,
He had emeralds and rubies just a drippin’ offa’ him and a ring on every finger of his hand.
He wore a big old turban wrapped around his head and a scimitar by his side,
And every evening about midnight he’d jump on his camel named Clyde.
And he’d ride,
Thru the desert night, to the Sultan’s tent
Where he would secretly make love to Fatima of the seventh veil.
And as he rode, he sang:
Yodli yadli yidli i o,
Nyodli nyadli i o.
Which is Arabic for “Whoa, Clyde.”
Nghee hgraargh norchghhh hargghh
(grunting noises)
Which is camel for “OK, baby.”
Well, he brought his camel to a screeching halt
In the rear of Fatima’s tent.
Jumped off Clyde, ducked around the corner,
And into the tent he went.
There he saw Fatima,
Layin’ on a zebra skin rug.
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
And a bone in her nose. Ho-Ho …
by RAY STEVENS
1ST EXTERMINATOR: ALL RIGHT, STOP THAT SINGING!
(OOLAN stops and giggles.)
Now what happened to that table, lady?
(OOLAN turns around and looks at the table.)
OOLAN: Oh my god!
(She faints in the arms of the 2ND EXTERMINATOR, who catches her.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Great.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Well, put her down, you dope.
(He lets OOLAN fall to the floor.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: We gotta think fast, Forensic, or we’re screwed.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: What did you call me? Forensic? Is that what you called me? What kind of name is that?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: I don’t know. I don’t know what came over me.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Now look. Didn’t you and I both see that table over here when we first came in here?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Gee, I don’t know.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: What do you mean? Wasn’t it you that said we could tell we were in the right place on account of the table being where it was, which was right here, not over there. Wasn’t it you who said that to her? Answer me, mushmouth. Was it me or you?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: It was me, but it still seems like the right place even with the table over there.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: But we can’t be sure now. Before, we could be absolutely sure, but now there’s some doubt. Am I right? Am I right or wrong!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: I guess.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: So that means we’ll have to call the home office before we can make another move. Am I right? Where’s your phone, lady?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: She’s fainted or something.
(EMMET’S VOICE is heard from under the table.)
EMMET’S VOICE: There’s a pay phone just down the road.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: There’s probably a pay phone just down the road, so why don’t you go down there and call while I stay here?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Down the road?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yeah. Now hurry up! I’m going to be right here waiting. Just ask them if it makes any difference where the table is.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: OK. You’re going to wait here?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yeah. Now move!
(2ND EXTERMINATOR exits. 1ST EXTERMINATOR looks around, then moves over to OOLAN, who is still on the floor. He stares at her, then takes off his helmet and gas mask. He takes off the tank and then kneels down beside OOLAN with his back to the table. He stares at OOLAN’s face for a while, then touches her shoulder. The table suddenly moves downstage, right behind 1ST EXTERMINATOR. He kisses OOLAN on the forehead, then takes off his gun belt and holster. He lies down beside OOLAN and stares at her, then puts his arm around her. FORENSIC and EMMET come out from under the table very quietly and slowly. 1ST EXTERMINATOR kisses OOLAN on the lips. FORENSIC picks up the tank and gas mask. EMMET picks up the gun and holster. 1ST EXTERMINATOR pulls OOLAN close to him and hugs her. EMMET puts on the gun while FORENSIC puts on the tank and gas mask. This all happens while 1ST EXTERMINATOR squeezes OOLAN and kisses her and strokes her hair.)
Oh my darling. You mustn’t worry now. We’ll get you out. I’ll get you far away to a safe place where we can be quiet and you won’t even know. Just relax. All you’ll see is smoke filling up the valley. We’ll be very high up. Don’t you worry about that. It was a tree house but now it’s a fort. It’s very strong and beautiful. You can trust it to keep you safe and sound. It’s colored just like the trees. Orange and yellow and green and blue. And it makes sounds like birds and dogs and wild boar. Really. If anyone comes you can see them from two miles off. You can signal to me if I’m not around. But I always will be. I’ll never leave for a second. You can count on me. If you could only see me now I know you’d believe me. If you could wake up in my arms and act like I was supposed to be here. Like I was always here and always will be. If you could wake up like that then we could go away from here now. Right this very minute. We could leave and live in the trees.
(EMMET has the gun on 1ST EXTERMINATOR. FORENSIC points the nozzle at him.)
EMMET: All right, Big Bopper, on your feet.
(1ST EXTERMINATOR jumps to his feet and raises his hands. OOLAN gets up.)
OOLAN: What a nasty rotten trick.
FORENSIC: Shut up!
(FORENSIC crosses to 1ST EXTERMINATOR, holding the nozzle on him.)
So you’re a lover in disguise. Is that it, Big Bopper? You’re really full of pizzazz but you just got led astray. Is that the story?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Don’t press that nozzle!
EMMET: Just keep your hands raised up there.
OOLAN: Don’t press that nozzle! We’ll all go up in flame!
FORENSIC: It’s not a torch. It’s gas. Toxic gas. Highly poison toxic gas that when you breathe it you’re dead right away.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Don’t be ridiculous.
FORENSIC: WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SAY, SMART ALECK! DON’T GET SMART, MISTER, OR I’LL GAS YOUR ASS!
EMMET: Take it easy, Forensic.
FORENSIC: Well, he’s a wise guy.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: That gas is for roaches, rats and varmints. Not people. It just gets you sick and makes your eyes water.
FORENSIC: What?
EMMET: Wait a minute. Now just take it easy.
FORENSIC: He’s trying to come off like a killer of pests and bugs.
EMMET: Just don’t get excited. We might find out something. Are you hungry, mister?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: No.
EMMET: Well, I am. Would you mind if the two of us sat down at the table and I ate some Rice Krispies while I ask you some questions?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: All right.
FORENSIC: What is this?
EMMET: Go fetch the Rice Krispies, Oolan.
OOLAN: You know he has a friend somewhere out there in a phone booth who’s going to come back here.
EMMET: Just get the Krispies, woman!
OOLAN: Jesus.
(She exits.)
EMMET: Now set yourself down here, mister. Come on. Just fold your hands on top of your head.
(1ST EXTERMINATOR clasps his hands on top of his head and sits in the stage-left chair. EMMET keeps the gun on him and sits in the stage-right chair.)
FORENSIC: Now what am I supposed to do, goddammit?
EMMET: Now then, mister, I take it you’ve come a long way. Not just from down the block or down the road.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Well, yes. I mean, that depends.
EMMET: I take it you have certain tools at your disposal which provide photographs and details of our layout here. Like table positions, et cetera.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: That goes without saying. What’s the name of that girl?
EMMET: I’ll give you a hint. It sounds like it might have something to do with tea but it doesn’t.
FORENSIC: What the fuck am I supposed to do?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Darjeeling?
EMMET: Now your home office must be getting pretty edgy to send a couple toughs like you, all equipped and everything. Hot and ready. They must suspect a move on our part but the amazement is that we have no idea they had any interest in our project whatsoever. I mean you just show up out of the clear blue sky. We don’t even have any dogs.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Dogs?
EMMET: Doberman pinschers, German shepherds, wire-haired pointing griffons circling the place, sniffing for trouble, ready to tear out a throat on those that smell of a different turf. Do you understand? No young blond dopey muscle boys practicing jujitsu on the front lawn. We’re vulnerable as all get-out. We’ve left ourselves with our drawers down. That gives you all the room to plunge in and you have. Which means for us that we temporarily have to abandon the idea of temporarily abandoning the project and throw ourselves once again into the meat of the game. You’ve forced our hand, as it were.
(1ST EXTERMINATOR takes his hands down. FORENSIC starts circling the stage restlessly with the gas mask and tank still on.)
EMMET: Keep up those hands.
FORENSIC: We don’t need this. I’m telling you. We’re not going to find out anything more or better by interrogation than we are by going out there and seeing for ourselves what the place looks like. What its potentials are for collapsing. We can’t sit around all abstracted out of shape while they lie stacked up on top of each other behind steel doors. It just isn’t fair.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: What’s her approximate age?
EMMET: Thirty-two, twenty-one, thirty.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Does she see many boys? Young ones? Do they come to her door? Do they sit outside in the driveway honking in their Cobras with their right arm coaxing and kneading and fondling the tuck and roll and their left hand pumping, squeezing on the wheel?
EMMET: Do you have a master’s degree, mister?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Not at all.
EMMET: What qualifies you then for a job in the line of gassing?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: I’m past my prime.
FORENSIC: So he goes for the skirt, does he? Perhaps we could make a deal.
EMMET: Forget it, Forensic. We got her out of there once, or don’t you remember? Now you want to start the whole thing over. Put her in a position for being taken back. You don’t think clearly. BOMB THE MOTHERFUCKERS! We got her out and she stays out and she ain’t going back for no kind of deal. Not even for the most precise, delicate ground plan of the new plumbing system that they just recently put in. Not even for that.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: You mean to say that you’d consider some sort of trade? Some information for her inspiration. I’ll do it, by jove. I’ll do it just as sure as you’re standing there.
EMMET: Keep those hands up.
(FORENSIC tears off the gas mask and the tank and lays them on the floor. He goes to the table.)
FORENSIC: Now you’re talking.
(EMMET stands and paces around. FORENSIC takes his place in the chair facing 1ST EXTERMINATOR, who takes his hands down and slowly begins to stroke himself and grope his own crotch.)
EMMET: Out of the question. Absolutely out of the question. We can’t jeopardize her position. It’s ridiculous. She’d be right back in solitary or something worse. She’d be stacked up right along with the rest of them.
FORENSIC: Big Bopper, you are on the brink of having for your very own the hottest little discotheque mama ever to come on the set.
(OOLAN enters with a bowl, milk and a box of Rice Krispies. She crosses to the table.)
EMMET: Oh good. It’s about time. Bring it down here.
(He crosses down right and sits cross-legged on the floor. OOLAN goes and stands beside him.)
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Oh that’s fantastic. I’ll tell you anything.
FORENSIC: OK, first off, do you have a map of the plant?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Map? Map. Yes I do. Of course I do. But I don’t think the plumbing is included in the detail. I mean …
(He pulls out a map and hands it across the table to FORENSIC, then goes on groping himself as he watches OOLAN.)
FORENSIC: Let me see it. Come on, come on.
(FORENSIC opens the map and spreads it on the table in front of him.)
OOLAN: Emmet, you’ll never in a million years guess what I just a little while ago figured out in the kitchen.
EMMET: Come on, come on. Krispies, woman. Gimme Krispies.
OOLAN: I know, but it’s about that. It’s about Krispies and the complaint you’ve had against them all these years. The complaint being that you always lose a few of them because as soon as you add milk to a full bowl they rise up and overflow the bowl and fall on the floor. So what you’ve had to do all this time is fill the bowl half-full, add the milk, mush the half-filled bowl down into the milk so they get soggy and don’t rise, then add more fresh Krispies on top of those and then a little more milk and then mush the fresh ones down so that the whole bowl is soggy and then finally add the sugar and then finally you get to taste the very first spoonful after having gone through that long painful process.
EMMET: Yes, I know, I know. That why I always have good woman fix Krispies so that man not have to go through so much pain.
OOLAN: I know, but what I’m saying is that I’ve solved that whole problem.
EMMET: Good, good.
OOLAN: I’ll show you how to do it.
EMMET: Good.
OOLAN: OK, now first I pour the Krispies in. All the way full.
(She fills the bowl with Rice Krispies.)
Now I put both my hands gently but firmly on top of the Krispies like this.
EMMET: Yeah?
OOLAN: Now you pour the milk.
EMMET: Over your hands?
OOLAN: Yes. Go ahead. Don’t be afraid.
EMMET: I don’t want somebody’s grimy hands in my cereal.
OOLAN: Just pour the milk.
(EMMET picks up the milk and pours it over OOLAN’s hands. She smiles at him. He sets down the milk and looks at her. She takes her hands off the cereal.)
See?
(EMMET picks up a spoon and starts eating ravenously as FORENSIC speaks.)
FORENSIC: Listen here, this is no use to us. It’s all in some sort of code or something. Everything’s mixed up, according to this. Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hands above the table, mister. HANDS ABOVE THE TABLE!
(1ST EXTERMINATOR quickly puts his hands on the table and faces FORENSIC.)
Look, you’re going to have to earn this woman, mister. This map doesn’t show anything whatsoever where the central stockade is, where the ammunition’s kept, where the officers stay, where the guard towers are, where the electric source is, not to mention food and what means of transportation they have in case of a pursuit. None of that’s down here. How do you account for that? What’s this map for?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: I don’t know. They hand it to us. The first day we get uniforms, helmets, guns, tanks, gas, and they hand us that map. One apiece. We each get one to study when we go home. We each are told to memorize the details of this map and to make sure we have them by the next morning because we are going to be thoroughly tested and retested on these details. But we never are. Each morning we’re never tested and each evening we’re threatened that we will be tested the next morning. But we never are.
FORENSIC: Ah ha! I get the picture.
(He picks up the map, stands, walks around the table to 1ST EXTERMINATOR and begins interrogating him. OOLAN just watches EMMET as he devours the Rice Krispies. Each time he finishes a bowlful she fills the bowl again and he goes on eating.)
Let’s just see what kind of homework you claim you’ve been doing then. You wouldn’t mind that, I’m sure. After all, you’ve studied so hard night after night and each morning you’ve been disappointed. So it’s about time you had a chance to show your stuff. Don’t you think?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Does she care about things like popularity and letter-men’s jackets?
FORENSIC: Now pay attention, swabbie!
(1ST EXTERMINATOR snaps to attention in his seat. He salutes and puts his hands on the table. FORENSIC circles him with the map in his hands.)
EMMET: Good. Krispies. Good.
FORENSIC: What’s the capital of the state of Arizona!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Phoenix.
FORENSIC: How much barbed wire does it take to encircle four hundred acres!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Nine thousand two hundred and seventy square yards.
FORENSIC: How many guns on the east wall facing the western barricade?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Forty-five.
FORENSIC: On which side are the women kept!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Southwest corner and northeast.
FORENSIC: Two parts? The women are split in two parts?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yes, sir.
FORENSIC: Which two again? Again! Which two!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Northeast and southwest.
FORENSIC: And the men!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Northwest and southeast.
FORENSIC: And the dogs!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Right in the middle and all around the edges.
FORENSIC: Which edges! Make yourself clear, Forensic: Which edges!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Every edge. All the way around.
FORENSIC: On the sides then. All around the sides. Wouldn’t that be a better way to put it?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yes.
FORENSIC: And are they chained, tied, on leashes attached to men, running wild, vicious, kind, what kind of dogs?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Dobermans, shepherds. Griffons.
FORENSIC: Where’s the light source now? Where does it come from?
How much wattage? What kind of lamps?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Three million kilowatts, underground, double spots, ninety-inch strobes …
FORENSIC: Wait a minute. Underground? Underground! What’s underground?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Light source, sir.
FORENSIC: Underground light source. How? What kind? How is that possible?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Underground streams, sir.
FORENSIC: Water?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yes, sir. That’s right, sir. Water.
FORENSIC: I’ll be damned. How deep?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: What?
FORENSIC: How deep down! The water! How many feet?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Oh. I can’t reveal that kind of information, sir. That’s not part of the test.
FORENSIC: Ah ha!
(He grabs the pen off the table and makes a big check on the map, then sets down the pen.)
Not part of the test indeed! You were doing so well for so long.
1ST EXTERMINATOR: What do you mean? That’s not part of the test, how deep.
FORENSIC: All right, all right. We’ll go on. Now then, how many guards are standing on the right wall facing the embankment overlooking the pond?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Wait a minute. I know how deep it is but I’m not supposed to tell.
FORENSIC: Never mind. How many guards?
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Don’t you want to know how deep?
FORENSIC: How many guards!
(EMMET gorges himself faster and faster as the interrogation gets more intense. OOLAN keeps filling the bowl. FORENSIC paces around the table.)
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Sixty feet deep!
FORENSIC: AH HA! What kind of pumps! Hydraulic, electric, gas! What kind of pumps!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Vacuum, sir.
FORENSIC: They run on air then. DO THEY RUN ON AIR!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yes, sir.
FORENSIC: AND IF THE AIR WERE TO BE CUT OFF WHERE WOULD IT BE CUT OFF AT!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: At the throttle, sir.
FORENSIC: AT THE THROTTLE! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, AT THE THROTTLE? DON’T YOU MEAN AT THE THROAT? CUT IT OFF AT THE THROAT! DON’T YOU MEAN THAT? ANSWER YES OR NO!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Yes.
FORENSIC: THEN HOW DO WE GET TO THE THROAT, FORENSIC!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Through the back, sir.
(Loud banging again as before. EMMET jumps to his feet with the package of Rice Krispies clutched to his chest. 1ST EXTERMINATOR jumps up and grabs OOLAN, holding her tightly as though a bomb is about to drop. EMMET and FORENSIC rush around the stage not knowing what to do.)
EMMET: Hide the Krispies! Hide the Krispies! What’ll we do?
FORENSIC: Under the table, Emmet!
EMMET: Oolan!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Leave her alone!
FORENSIC: Under the table, Oolan!
EMMET: Take the Krispies! Take the Krispies!
(OOLAN grabs the Krispies from EMMET and hides under the table. 1ST EXTERMINATOR follows her. Another loud knock.)
FORENSIC: Not him! Just her! Just Oolan!
1ST EXTERMINATOR: Leave her alone!
EMMET: Yes! Who is it, please!
(2ND EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE over a microphone.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: IT’S THE EXTERMINATOR, LADY!
EMMET: I’m no lady, mister! I’m a man!
FORENSIC: Don’t talk like a dumb kid, Forensic. Open the door.
EMMET: Fuck you. This is my home. Give me that gun.
FORENSIC: Stand back, Emmet, or I’ll blow you wide open.
(EMMET lunges at FORENSIC and grabs the gun. They struggle with the gun. Another loud knock.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: OPEN THIS DOOR OR I’LL BREAK IT DOWN!
(EMMET and FORENSIC struggle all over the stage with the gun. Long loud ripping sound of door being crashed in. At the end of the sound, 2ND EXTERMINATOR falls onto the stage. He is still dressed in the uniform but without gas mask and tank. A pause as EMMET and FORENSIC look at the 2ND EXTERMINATOR. They both have hold of the gun and neither of them lets go until the end of the play. The 2ND EXTERMINATOR gets up slowly and brushes himself off. He looks around the stage.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Boy, is it ever weird out there. Have you guys ever been out there?
FORENSIC: Out where?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Out there. You haven’t got much time, though. I should tell you that right away. Fair warning and all that sort of stuff. Now what’s happened to Forensic?
(He starts looking around as EMMET and FORENSIC tug at the gun.)
EMMET: What’s weird out there, mister? I’ve been out there before and there hasn’t been anything weird. What’s so weird?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: The whole thing. The road and everything. The phone booth. The road. Do you suppose he left or something? I suppose so. It’s better, I guess.
FORENSIC: What’s better? What’s weird about the road? Make yourself clear!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Especially the road. Just walking along in a gas mask and looking the way I look and everything. I mean there’s not many people, but if you run across anybody while you’re out there it’s really weird. But you’d better get out before it’s too late. They’ll be here before you can say Jack Robinson.
EMMET: Who?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: I suppose what he did was he just decided to quit the whole business. I suppose that’s it. He just got tired of waiting around. Left his gear and everything. In fact we must have decided the very same thing at the very same time but we just happened to be in different places is all. That’s it, I’ll bet. I’ll bet that’s what happened. Just as I put down the receiver and folded the glass door open and stepped outside and looked down at the tank and the mask leaning up against the tree trunk and a semi roaring by, just as he, standing around his table, hears the same semi roaring by and takes off the mask and sets down the tank, just as I leave the tank and the mask leaning up against the tree trunk and start following the semi down the road, just as he leaves the room with the tank and the mask sitting here on the floor and starts walking toward—We must have passed each other somewhere. That’s it. I’ll bet that’s what happened. He starts walking toward the phone booth and I start back toward the house and we missed each other on the road. I’ll bet you that’s the way it happened. But you guys had better get out. They’re going to gas this place once and for all.
(Very slowly blue smoke starts drifting onto the stage. It keeps up until the stage is completely covered and all you can hear are the voices of the actors. It gradually pours over into the audience and fills up the entire theater by the end of the play. It could change colors in the course of filling the place up, from blue to pink to yellow to green.)
FORENSIC: Who is? You’re out of your mind! Gimme the gun, Emmet.
EMMET: He’s lying, Forensic. Can’t you see that? He’s not in any hurry to get out, so why should we be?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: I suppose if I just wait around he’s bound to turn up. Fat chance of finding him this time of night, walking along in the dark. Barely see your own nose in front of your own face. Nice place you boys have.
(He sits in the stage-left chair, puts his feet on the table and leans back with his hands folded behind his head. EMMET and FORENSIC tug at the gun.)
FORENSIC: He’s not either lying. He’s called the home office and found out where the table’s supposed to be and they’re sending men out to help him. He’s waiting around for his men. Now gimme the gun, Emmet.
EMMET: He just told you that he left all his gear back at the phone booth and he came back to meet his buddy. They’re deserters, Forensic!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Yep. A place like this could get a man dreaming about settling down. Finding some roots. A kind of headquarters. A place to come back to.
FORENSIC: This is our home!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Where’s that woman, Emmet?
EMMET: What?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: That woman you had here before.
(OOLAN giggles under the table; nobody hears.)
EMMET: Oh she …
FORENSIC: Don’t tell! Don’t you tell him anything!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: The trouble is, what if he arrived at the phone booth, found my tank and mask leaning up against the tree trunk and thought the same thing as me at the very same time but in two different places? What if he’s set himself down inside the phone booth or up against the tree and he’s waiting for me thinking the same thing as me; that it’s too damn dark to go walking back on that road at this time of night. What if that’s the way it is?
EMMET: Then you’d better walk back and get him.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: No, no. You don’t understand. If either one of us makes another move like the moves we’ve already made then the whole thing could go on forever. Now is a very crucial time. We have to each think individually what the other one is going to do or we’ll just miss each other again and again and we’ll finally give up and go our separate ways. Do you get what I mean?
FORENSIC: Maybe he doesn’t even want to meet you, though. Did you ever think of that?
EMMET: Shut up!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Maybe you’re right, Forensic. Maybe you’re absolutely right. Maybe he doesn’t. That means he could be somewhere altogether different from the phone booth. That means he could be anywhere.
FORENSIC: That means he could be right under the table even.
EMMET: Will you shut up!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: He most certainly could be, Forensic. He most certainly could. Right under my very nose. Right under the table. But that means I’m right then. That both of us are thinking the very same thing at the very same time. But if he’s under the table then we’re also in the very same place. I hardly think that could be true, Forensic, because if it were then it could mean only one thing. That he not only doesn’t want to meet me but he also doesn’t want me to meet him.
(1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE is heard from under the table.)
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: Now you got the picture.
(OOLAN giggles. EMMET and FORENSIC tug at the gun. 2ND EXTERMINATOR stands and paces around the table. He addresses the table.)
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Then I take it the whole thing’s off. Do I take it right? Do I take it right or wrong?
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: Right! You take it absolutely right.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Then we just split up and go our different ways.
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: That’s up to you. I’m staying here.
EMMET: Will you give me the gun!
2ND EXTERMINATOR: I called the home office, you know.
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: I know, I know.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Then I take it you know what’s going to happen.
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: You take it right.
FORENSIC: What’s going to happen?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: And even so you’re willing to stay. Even knowing what’s going to happen. You’re going to stay here.
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: Yes, I am. I’ve fallen in love.
EMMET: What’s going to happen?
2ND EXTERMINATOR: You don’t care if we win or lose, then. You don’t care if I stay or go. You just don’t care. YOU JUST DON’T CARE, FORENSIC!
FORENSIC: Yes, I do! What’s going to happen?
1ST EXTERMINATOR’S VOICE: Why don’t you leave? You don’t have to stay.
2ND EXTERMINATOR: Me? Alone? You want me to go running out there alone and go skipping up to them in my fancy new uniform and wave and throw kisses maybe and say hey fellas you’ve got the wrong house, you’ve got the wrong farm, you’ve got the wrong lawn. There’s nothing here to exterminate. It’s just us. It’s just us and a few of our gang. Really. Try the next ranch. Try next door or down the road a piece. Down where they’ve got all the dogs. Down where you hear all the screaming till late in the night. We don’t even play the phonograph after eleven o’clock. You can ask them if you like. Just down the road there. They’ll tell you. Not a complaint in over thirty-five years. You can come in and look but it’s just like I say. It’s just a bunch of friends not knowing what else to do. Having breakfast now and then. It’s pretty dirty but come right on in. Sure, search wherever you like. You won’t find a thing. What do you think we are? Patsies or something? What do you think? Sure, tear up the bed, tear off the sheets, rip out the drawers, tear off our clothes. You won’t find a thing. Guns? Guns? You think we have guns? Not on your life. Where would we hide guns? Under the floor? Under the floor! You hit the nail right on the old head. Guns under the floor. Under the table. Guns all over the place. See for yourselves. Every turn you make there’s another gun. Automatics, elephant guns, Marlin four hundreds. Knock yourselves out. Well, I’m not going to do that, Forensic. I’m not going out there ever again. I’m staying right here!
(Loud banging is heard as before. The smoke by this time has filled up the stage and poured over into the audience. The banging keeps up at short intervals and develops a kind of mounting rhythm. This lasts for quite a while as the smoke gradually begins to thin out. Finally, as the smoke disappears, the actors, table and chairs are all gone so that the audience is looking at empty space at the end.)