Are you willing to be sponged out, erased, canceled,
made nothing?
Are you willing to be made nothing?
dipped into oblivion?
If not, you will never really change.
—D. H. Lawrence, Phoenix
Although he never really clearly saw the birth canal, he felt its crushing pressure on his head and all over, and he knew with every cell of his body that he was involved in a birth process. The tension was reaching dimensions that he had not imagined were humanly possible. He felt an unrelenting pressure on his forehead, temples, and occiput, as if he were caught in the steel jaws of a vise. The tensions in his body also had a brutally mechanical quality; he imagined himself passing through a monstrous meat grinder or a giant press full of cogs and cylinders. The image of Charlie Chaplin victimized by the world of technology in Modern Times briefly flashed through his mind. Incredible amounts of energy seemed to be flowing through his entire body, condensing and releasing in explosive discharges.
He felt an amazing mixture of feelings; he was suffocated, frightened, and helpless, but also furious and strangely sexually aroused. Another important aspect of his experience was a sense of utter confusion. While he felt like an infant involved in a vicious struggle for survival and realized that what was about to happen was his birth, he was also experiencing himself as his delivering mother. He knew intellectually that being a man he could never give birth, yet he felt that he was somehow crossing that barrier and that the impossible was becoming a reality. There was no question that he was connecting with something primordial—an ancient feminine archetype, that of the delivering mother. His body image included a large pregnant belly and female genitals with all the nuances of biological sensations. He felt frustrated by not being able to surrender to this elemental process—to give birth and be born, to let go and to let the baby out.
An enormous reservoir of murderous aggression emerged from the underworld of his psyche; it was as if an abscess of evil had suddenly been punctured by the cut of a cosmic surgeon. A werewolf or a berserk was taking him over; Dr. Jekyll was turning into Mr. Hyde. There were many images of the murderer and the victim as one person, just as earlier he could not distinguish between the child who was being born and the delivering mother. He was a merciless tyrant, the dictator exposing the subordinates to unimaginable cruelties, and he was also the revolutionary, leading the furious mob to overthrow the tyrant. He became the mobster who murders in cold blood and the policeman who kills the criminal in the name of law. At one point, he experienced the horrors of the Nazi concentration camps. When he opened his eyes, he saw himself as an SS officer. He had a profound sense that he, the Nazi, and he, the Jew, were the same person. He could feel the Hitler and the Stalin in him and felt fully responsible for the atrocities in human history. He saw that humanity’s problem is not the existence of vicious dictators, but this Hidden Killer that we each find within our own psyches, if we look deep enough.
Then the quality of the experience changed and reached mythological proportions; instead of the evil of human history, he sensed the atmosphere of witchcraft and the presence of demonic elements. His teeth were transformed into long fangs filled with some mysterious poison, and he found himself flying on large bat wings through the night like an ominous vampire. This changed soon into wild, intoxicating scenes of a witches’ Sabbath. In this dark, sensuous ritual, all the usually forbidden and repressed impulses seemed to surface and were experienced and acted out. While the demonic quality gradually disappeared from his experience, he still felt tremendously erotic and was engaged in endless sequences of the most fantastic orgies and sexual fantasies, in which he played all roles. All through these experiences, he continued being simultaneously the child struggling through the birth canal and the mother delivering it. It became very clear to him that sex and birth were deeply connected and also that satanic forces had important links with the situation in the birth canal.
He struggled and fought in many different roles and against many different enemies. Sometimes he wondered if there would ever be an end to his misery. Then a new element entered his experience. His entire body was covered by some biological filth, which was slimy and slippery. He could not tell if it was the amniotic fluid, mucus, blood, or vaginal secretions. The same stuff seemed to be in his mouth and even in his lungs. He was choking, gagging, making faces, and spitting, trying to get it out of his system and off his skin. At the same time, he was getting a message that he did not have to fight; the process had its own rhythm and all he had to do was surrender to it. He remembered many situations from his life, where he felt the need to fight and struggle and in retrospect that too felt unnecessary. It was as if he had been somehow programmed by his birth to see life as much more complicated and dangerous than it actually is. It seemed to him that this experience could open his eyes in this regard and make his life much easier and more playful than before.1
The Hazardous Passage Begins
As we see from the above example of experiences associated with BPM III, this matrix is extremely dynamic and rich in both positive and negative imagery. On the biological level, it shares certain characteristics with BPM II, particularly the continuation of uterine contractions and the overall sense of confinement and constriction. As in the previous stage, each contraction interferes with the fetus’s oxygen supply. Complications such as the umbilical cord being twisted around the neck or being squeezed between the head and the pelvic wall, can be additional sources of suffocation.
While there are certain parallels between this matrix and the previous one, there are significant differences that should be carefully noted. In the previous matrix, the cervix was closed; now it is open, allowing the fetus to move through the birth canal. Although the fight for survival continues, there is now a sense of hope, a belief that there will be an end to the struggle.
At this stage, the infant’s head is wedged into the pelvic opening, which is so narrow that, even under normal circumstances, the passage is slow and tedious. The musculature of the uterus is very strong and the power of its contractions oscillates between 50 and 100 pounds. This creates an atmosphere of conflicting and clashing energies and a strong hydraulic pressure. The organism of the mother and that of the child are still very intimately interconnected on many levels; for that reason, there may be a strong identification between the two, as the above narrative illustrates. In the memory record of this matrix, we have no sense of a boundary between ourself and our mother. Neither the physical nor the psychological separation has occurred. Mother and child are still of one consciousness. Thus, it is possible to experience all the feelings and sensations of the infant, to identify fully with the delivering mother, and to connect with the archetype of the delivering woman.
The Birth Experience and Sexuality
In addition to experiencing intense physical pains, anxiety, aggression, a strange sense of excitement, and a driving energy, this matrix is characterized by sexual arousal, undoubtedly the most unexpected aspect of the entire birth process. Clearly this deserves an explanation, especially since it has important implications for understanding what otherwise could be very puzzling forms of human sexual behavior. It is not difficult to see that because of the intense involvement of the genital area, the mother’s experience would have a sexual component. Moreover, the build-up and release of tension as the process takes place follows a natural cycle very similar to sexual orgasm. Many women who deliver their babies under ideal circumstances often describe it as the most powerful sexual experience of their lives. But it is much more difficult to understand or even believe that birth could trigger sexual feelings in the baby as well.
Sigmund Freud once shocked the world when he announced his discovery that sexuality does not begin in puberty but in early infancy. Here we are asked to stretch our imaginations even further and accept that we have sexual feelings even before we are born! Observations of people who experience BPM III in non-ordinary states provide us with clear indications that this is true. The evidence suggests that the human body harbors a mechanism that translates extreme suffering, particularly if it is associated with suffocation, into a form of excitement that resembles sexual arousal. This mechanism has been reported by patients in sadomasochistic relationships, by prisoners of war tortured by the enemy, and by people who make unsuccessful attempts to hang themselves and live to tell the story. In all these situations, agony can be intimately associated with ecstasy, even leading to an experience of transcendence, as is the case with flagellants and religious martyrs.
What does all this mean in terms of everyday reality? To begin with, it is important to understand that our first experience of sexuality occurs in a precarious life-threatening context. Along the way, there is also the experience of suffering and inflicting pain, as well as feeling anxiety and blind aggression. In addition, during the passage through the birth canal, the child is in contact with various biological products, including mucus, blood, and possibly even urine and feces. This connection combined with other events, forms a natural basis for the development of a variety of sexual disorders and deviations later in life. Reinforced by traumatic experiences in infancy and childhood, the experiences of BPM III can give rise to sexual dysfunctions, as well as the practice of bondage and sadomasochism, the association of urine and feces with sexuality, and even criminal sexuality.
The Titanic Dimension of the Third Matrix
As with the other matrices, BPM III has its own symbolism that includes secular, mythological, and spiritual themes. These fall into five distinct categories: the titanic, the aggressive and sadomasochistic, the sexual, the demonic, and the scatological. However, all these share a common theme as well: the encounter with death and the struggle to be born. Most frequently, experiences associated with the third matrix are a mixture of birth-related sensations and emotions, along with archetypal symbolism, as we saw in the narrative at the beginning of this chapter.
Perhaps the most striking aspect of this matrix is the atmosphere of titanic struggle, frequently of catastrophic proportions. It clearly reflects the enormous conflicting energies involved in this stage of the birth process that we are seeking to discharge. The experiences can reach a painful intensity that exceeds by far what it seems any human could possibly bear. One may experience sequences in which the energy is tremendously concentrated and focused, streaming through the body like high voltage electrical current. This energy might jam, or short circuit, creating enormous tensions in different parts of the body, which may then be explosively discharged. For many people, this is associated with images of modern technology and man-made disasters—giant power plants, high voltage cables, nuclear explosions, the launching of rockets, artillery combat, air-raids, and other war scenes.
Others connect experientially with devastating natural disasters, such as exploding volcanoes, bone-shattering earthquakes, raging hurricanes and tornadoes, spectacular electrical storms, comets or meteors, and cosmic cataclysms. We have heard references to such catastrophes as the last days of Pompeii or the eruption of Krakatau. Less frequently, these images depict destruction by water; here belong scenes of ominous ocean storms, great tidal waves, river floods, or the breaking of dams followed by the massive inundation of whole towns. Some people have described mythological images such as the annihilation of Atlantis, the end of Sodom and Gomorrah, or even Armageddon.
Perinatal Roots of Violence
The aggressive and sadomasochistic aspects of the third matrix seem to be logical products of the situation the child faces in the birth canal. The outward-directed aggression reflects the biological fury of the organism whose survival is threatened by suffocation. It cannot be explained psychologically nor does it have any ethical meaning. It is comparable to a state of mind any of us would manifest if our head were held under water and we were not able to breathe. When this aspect of the matrix is activated in non-ordinary states it finds its expression in numerous images of wars, revolutions, massacres, slaughters, tortures, and abuses of various kinds in which we play the active role.
There is also a form of inward-directed aggression associated with this matrix that has a self-destructive quality. This aggression, expressed in self-destructive fantasies and impulses, seems to be the internalization of forces that were originally imposed on us from the outside—the uterine contractions and the resistance within the birth canal. The memory of this experience survives in us as a sense of emotional and physical confinement and the inability to enjoy our lives fully. It sometimes takes the form of a cruel inner judge demanding punishment, a savage part of the superego that can drive the person to extremes of self-destructiveness.
I would like to note here some important differences between the experiences associated with the second and third matrices. While we are exclusively victims in BPM II, in BPM III we can alternately identify with the victim and the perpetrator. In addition, we can sometimes be an observer watching the scenes from the outside. This is expressed in the above narrative by the person experiencing himself as both the Jewish victim and the Nazi persecutor. People who get in touch with this aspect of the birth process often say that through it they can actually identify and empathize with cruel military leaders and tyrants, such as Genghis Khan, Hitler, or Stalin, or with even more contemporary mass murderers.
The sadomasochistic associations of this matrix mirror the relationships between causing and inflicting pain, suffering, and sexual arousal, discussed in the paragraphs above. This accounts for the intertwining of sexual feelings and pain that is characteristic of sadomasochism. Sadism and masochism never exist as purely separate phenomena; instead, they are interconnected in the human psyche, representing two sides of the same coin. As one might guess, the images associated with the sadomasochistic experiences involve scenes of rapes, sexual murders, and sadomasochistic practices of inflicting or receiving painful treatment.
The Agony and the Ecstasy of Birth
As the intensity of experiences associated with this matrix increase, the emotions and sensations that were originally polar opposites (pain versus pleasure, for example) begin to converge. They may eventually merge into a single undifferentiated state of mind, containing all possible dimensions of human experience. Intense suffering and exquisite pleasure become the same; caustic heat feels like freezing cold; murderous aggression and passionate love become one; and the agony of death becomes the ecstasy of birth. When the suffering reaches its absolute apex, the situation oddly ceases to have the quality of suffering and agony. Instead, the very intensity of the experience is transformed into wild, ecstatic rapture that can be described as “Dionysian” or “volcanic ecstasy.”
This volcanic ecstasy or rapture can go even further until it reaches transcendental proportions. In contrast to the oceanic ecstasy associated with BPM I, this volcanic type involves enormous explosive tension with both aggressive and self-destructive elements. This form of rapture can be experienced in childbirth, in accidents, or in rituals using physically painful procedures, such as the practice of the flagellants or the Native American Sun Dance, in which the person voluntarily undergoes intense physical pain for a prolonged period of time. A certain level of volcanic ecstasy can be reached in aboriginal ceremonies that involve wild dancing and loud intoxicating music, or even in their modern counterparts, certain rock concerts.
The sexual aspect of BPM III is usually experienced as a generalized eroticism, felt throughout the body, rather than felt only in the genitals. Many people describe a rapture similar to the beginning phase of sexual orgasm, though multiplied a thousand times. However, in this case, these sensations may go on for a prolonged period of time, accompanied by outrageous erotic imagery. Sexuality portrayed here is characterized by the enormous intensity of the instinctual drive and has no particular goal, or objective. It is certainly not the eroticism we experience in a romance, with deep mutual respect, understanding, and feelings of love that culminate in sexual union. Here the emphasis is on egotistic satisfaction of primitive sexual urges, often of a deviant nature, in any way possible, with little regard for the partner.
The imagery and experiences of BPM III often have pornographic features or link sex to danger and filth. During these sequences, a person might identify with harem owners, pimps and prostitutes, or with any of a wide range of historical and legendary sexual figures, such as Casanova, Rasputin, Don Juan, or Maria Theresa. They may find themselves witnessing and participating in scenes from Soho, Pigalle, and other famous red light districts. Since this matrix also has a dynamic spiritual component, we may occasionally encounter seemingly contradictory experiences linking sex and transcendence. Here we might find visions of fertility rites, phallic worship, and temple prostitution.
What is perhaps most curious about BPM III experiences is the emotional proximity of death and sexuality. One would think that the threat of death would erase any libidinal feelings. However, where this matrix is concerned the opposite seems to be true. Observations from clinical psychiatry, experiences of people who had been tortured in concentration and prison camps, and the files of Amnesty International attest to the fact that there are strong interrelationships between the ecstatic rapture of sex, childbirth, and extreme threat to body integrity and survival. In the death-rebirth process, motifs related to all three of these areas alternate or even coexist in various combinations.
Encounters with the Grotesque, Satanic, and Scatological
Sometimes the sexual aspects of BPM III are experienced in a carnival atmosphere, filled with bright colors, exotic costumes, and seductive music. The characteristic combination of the motifs of death, of the macabre, and of the grotesque, with the joyful and the festive is a very appropriate symbolic expression for the state of mind immediately preceding rebirth. At this stage, long repressed sexual and aggressive energies are unleashed and the memory of a vital threat loses its grip on the body and the psyche. The popularity of Mardi Gras and similar events might well be due to the fact that besides providing amusement and a context for the release of pent-up tensions, they also allow us to connect with the archetype of rebirth in the depth of our psyches.
Experiences occurring in the final stages of the death-rebirth process also offer interesting insights into certain forms of witchcraft and satanic practices. The struggle in the birth canal can be associated with visions reminiscent of Black Mass rituals and the witches’ Sabbath. The intrusion of the satanic element at this particular time seems to be related to the fact that BPM III shares with these rituals a strange combination of emotions and physical sensations. The struggle in the birth canal involves extreme pain, an encounter with blood and bodily excretions, along with excitement and sexual arousal. It can bring the child close to death, but holds also the promise of liberation and transcendence. All these elements are intimately interwoven with the imagery of “serving the Dark God.” The connection between such practices and the perinatal level of the unconscious should be taken into consideration in any serious study of satanic cult abuse, a phenomenon that seems to be attracting the increasing attention of professionals as well as of the general public. Another important experience in the same category is the temptation by evil forces, a motif that can be found in spiritual literature of many religions of the world.
Because of the newborn’s close contact with bodily fluids, and occasionally urine and feces in the final stages of delivery, scatological impressions are an integral part of BPM III. In the death-rebirth process, scatological encounters can be greatly exaggerated to include all the least acceptable products that biology has to offer. While there might have been minimum contact with such materials at birth, the person reliving this aspect may have images of crawling through sewage systems, and literally wallowing in filth, drinking blood, or indulging in scenes of decay and putrefaction.
Mythological and Spiritual Themes
The mythological and spiritual aspects of this matrix are particularly rich and variegated. The titanic aspect can be expressed in the archetypal images of confrontation between the forces of good and evil or of the destruction and creation of the world. Another form of the struggle to find balance between good and evil is the archetype of the Divine Judgment. The aggressive sequences are often associated with images of destructive deities, such as Kali, Shiva, Satan, Coatlicue, or Mars. Particularly characteristic is a close identification with mythological figures representing death and rebirth that can be found in every major culture—Osiris, Dionysus, Persephone, Wotan, Balder, and many others. Our own culture’s variety of this theme is the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Frequently, people facing BPM III have visions of crucifixion or they feel fully identified with Jesus on the cross. Scenes of sacrifice and self-sacrifice accompanied by the corresponding deities, particularly Aztec and Mayan, also abound in this stage.
There can be images of male and female deities associated with sexuality and procreation, along with visions of Bacchanalian sequences. I have already mentioned the motifs combining spirituality and sexuality, such as fertility rites, phallic worship, temple prostitution, ritual rape, and aboriginal rituals with emphasis on the sensual and sexual. The scatological is expressed mythologically by images such as Hercules cleaning the unimaginable filth of the stables of King Augias, or Tlacolteutl, Devourer of Filth, the Aztec goddess of childbirth and carnal lust.
The transition between BPM III and IV is often associated with visions of consuming fires. These flames destroy everything that is corrupt or rotten in our lives, preparing us for renewal and rebirth. It is interesting that in the corresponding stage of delivery many mothers feel that their entire genital areas are on fire. Reliving this stage in a passive role, people might feel that their bodies are burning or that they are passing through flames or purification. This is particularly well expressed in the phoenix myth, the fabulous bird of Egyptian legend who at the age of 500 years burns itself on a pyre. Then from its ashes another phoenix arises. The purifying fire is also characteristic for the religious images of purgatory.
BPM III and Art
Perhaps since the dawn of human history, the experiences of BPM III have been an infinite source of inspiration for artists of many different genres. The examples are so manifold that one can offer only a meager selection: the atmosphere of intense emotions bordering on insanity that are masterfully portrayed in the novels of Fyodor Dostoyevski and in many of William Shakespeare’s plays, particularly Hamlet, Macbeth, and King Lear; the Dionysian element and the thirst for power in the philosophical works of Friedrich Nietzsche. Leonardo da Vinci’s designs of diabolical war machines; the nightmarish visions of Francisco Goya; the macabre art of Hansruedi Giger; and the whole school of surrealist painting, are superb visual representations of the atmosphere of BPM III. Similarly, Richard Wagner’s operas abound with powerful sequences capturing the atmosphere of this matrix. Among them are the orgiastic Venusberg scenes from Tannhäuser, the magic fire sequence from Walküre, and particularly the immolation of Siegfried and the burning of Valhalla in the final scene of Götterdämmerung. The combination of high drama, sex, and violence, characteristic of this matrix, is the magic formula for much of modern filmmaking.
The Link with Postnatal Experiences
As with the other perinatal matrices, BPM III has specific connections with memories from postnatal life. For people who have witnessed or participated in war, memories of the real horrors become entangled with the titanic, aggressive, and scatological aspects of this matrix. Conversely, a real life war experience can activate corresponding perinatal elements in the unconscious, which can later lead to serious emotional problems common to soldiers who have seen much combat. The specific form of excitement, mixed with fear and danger, links BPM III to thrilling but precarious situations, such as sky diving, car racing, roller-coaster rides, exotic hunting adventures, boxing, and wrestling. The erotic aspects of BPM III are connected with COEX systems involving intense sexual experiences under hazardous circumstances, as exemplified by rape, adultery, and other sexual adventures associated with high risk, or visits to red light districts. The scatological facet is associated with forceful toilet training, childhood mishaps involving urinary or anal incontinence, visits to junkyards, dumps, and other unhygienic places, and witnessing scenes of putrefaction or disembowelment in war and automobile accidents.
Experiences of BPM III are also accompanied by specific manifestations in the Freudian erogenous zones. These are related to a wide range of activities that bring sudden relief, pleasure, and relaxation after prolonged tension or stress. On the oral level, these activities include biting, chewing up, and swallowing food, as well as catharsis by vomiting. In the anal area, they involve the natural processes of defecation and passing gas; in the urethral region, the urination after a long retention. And finally, the corresponding genital phenomenon is the build-up toward sexual orgasm and, in women, the feelings encountered in the second clinical stage of labor.
The third matrix represents an enormous pool of problematic emotions and difficult sensations that can, in combination with later events in infancy and childhood, contribute to the development of a variety of disorders. Among them are certain forms of depression and conditions that involve aggression and violent self-destructive behaviors. Also sexual disorders and aberrations, obsessive-compulsive neuroses, phobias, and hysterical manifestations seem to have important roots in this matrix. Which of the many possible forms of emotional disorders would actually manifest seems to be co-determined by the nature of later biographical experiences that can selectively reinforce the aggressive, self-destructive, sexual, or scatological aspects of BPM III.
The Struggle Ends
As the agonizing struggle to escape from the birth canal nears the end, tension and suffering reach an apex. This is followed by an explosive release as the infant suddenly breaks free from the pelvic opening and takes its first breath. In general, this moment holds the promise of tremendous relaxation, but the degree to which this actually happens depends on specific circumstances surrounding the birth, such as the opportunity for loving contact with the mother, bonding through eye contact, and other factors. The experiential aspects of this transition are the focus of the next chapter.