“This is silly,” Gigi said, surveying the small gymnasium. “Galactic Skate is a way better place to compete. Why can’t we have our bouts there?”
It was Friday evening, and Dorothy’s team had just arrived at their first bout. They were competing against a team called the Peanut Butter Jammers, but instead of a rec center or a skating rink, the address on the schedule turned out to be an elementary school.
“Avast, me hearties. Eva be the reason,” Grandma growled. She had been talking like a pirate since before breakfast, and Dorothy was almost used to it. The pirate costume, on the other hand, was a little harder to ignore. Grandma was wearing a knee-length coat, an eye patch, and a flamboyant black hat trimmed with an ostrich-feather plume. The most distracting part of the costume was the thin, curly mustache.
“But why, Grandma?” Dorothy asked. “We practice at Galactic Skate all the time. Why can’t we compete there?”
Since the mishap on Monday, Uncle Enzo had pulled in some favors from his sleazy cronies, and Galactic Skate’s rink floor had been repaired and an electrician had replaced all the lightbulbs and fuses. In addition, Max, Dorothy, and her team had been doing some more cleaning and the place now smelled more like Pine Fresh cleaner than dirty gym shorts.
This gymnasium, on the other hand, wasn’t set up for skating. The floor was even made from a slightly spongy material—not easy stuff to skate on. Dorothy wondered if that was why the Peanut Butter Jammers hadn’t shown yet. The only other people in the room were a group of elementary school kids and their chubby gym teacher.
“Arrr,” Grandma growled. “Captain Enzo swore he’d never be havin’ a bout at Galactic Skate after Eva went to Davy Jones’s locker.”
“You mean after Eva died?” Jade translated, lacing up her skates.
Grandma twisted her mustache between two fingers. “Aye. It be a sad, sad thing. And sadder still now that Galactic Skate be walking the plank herself. Enzo’s coffers be empty, me hearties.”
“What? Galactic Skate is out of money?” Gigi asked.
“Aye,” Grandma said. “’Tis bankrupt.”
Dorothy made a mental note to talk to Max. If Galactic Skate was so strapped for cash, maybe Uncle Enzo would change his mind and let the junior teams have their bouts there. They could sell tickets, baked goods, souvenirs…and it would sure beat competing in elementary school gymnasiums.
“Three things more,” Grandma said. “First, because you were a filler team, they are letting you skate short, but you’ll need to fill the roster by next season. Next, here be yer first bout gifts.” Grandma reached in her jacket pocket and pulled out eight new mouth guards and passed them around. “So you can actually understand each other. Last,” Grandma continued, “one of ye still be nameless.”
Dorothy looked around at her team. Who didn’t have a skate name yet?
There was Dinah Mite who was chugging down a can of Power Crank.
Geekzilla and Rolling Thunder were giggling over a diagram in a spiral-bound playbook.
Dee Tension was letting Juana SmackHer punch her in the teeth, just to test the quality of the new mouth guards.
The only other players besides Dorothy were Gigi (Booty Vicious) and Jade.
Jade sighed. “I know, I know. I just haven’t been able to think of anything good.”
Grandma smoothed her ostrich plume. “Know what we call a corpse with no name?”
Jade knitted her eyebrows. “Like a dead body that can’t be identified?”
Grandma lifted her eye patch and winked.
Jade shrugged. “Of course. A John Doe.”
“And for a lass?” Grandma prodded.
“A Jane Doe.” An invisible lightbulb lit up above Jade’s head. “That’s it! Jade Doe! Creepy and mysterious. Totally me.”
Grandma smiled and wrote Jade’s new skate name on her clipboard. She headed across the gymnasium to talk to the chubby teacher.
Some of the little kids got up from their tiny chairs and walked over to Dorothy’s team. They were all wearing Peanut Butter Jammers T-shirts.
“How cute,” Gigi said in a sticky sweet voice. “You little kids must be big fans of the Peanuts.”
A skinny girl with freckles turned around and pointed at the back of her shirt. It said Strawberry Shortstack. “We are the Peanut Butter Jammers,” she said. “We just wanted to wish you luck. ’Cause you’re gonna need it!”
Strawberry Shortstack snapped her fingers, and the Peanuts headed back to their chubby coach to put on skates and pads.
Dorothy almost wanted to laugh out loud. Had she really been worried about this bout? The Peanuts weren’t much bigger than Sam.
Jade frowned. “Are we seriously supposed to compete against third-graders?”
“Yeah,” Gigi said, strapping on her striped helmet. “Kind of a shame to waste all this awesomeness on the rollertots.”
“Beatin’ up little kids ain’t good for my reputation, either,” Dee grunted.
“Uh, let’s just take it easy on them,” Dorothy suggested. “Maybe even let them score a few points?”
Lizzy tapped her pencil on her playbook. “I should probably mention that I’m quite allergic to peanuts.”
“Don’t worry, Geekzilla,” Dorothy said, patting the tall girl on the back. “There is no way these peanuts can hurt you.”
• • •
Twenty minutes later…
“Well, that was embarrassing,” Grandma said as the team shuffled out of the gymnasium.
“You’re telling us,” Dee mumbled, rubbing her sore behind.
“I blame myself,” Grandma said. “I should be paying more attention to coaching you girls. Not this silliness,” Grandma said, ripping off her mustache and shoving it in her pocket. “And we really need more skaters.”
“I like your silliness,” Sam said.
Grandma tugged one of Sam’s pigtails playfully. “That’s why I do it, hon.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jade said, mopping her sweaty face and arms with a towel. “Those little kids were fast. Strawberry Shortstack was dusting me.”
Dorothy nodded. “And we couldn’t block her to save our lives.”
“Perhaps if Gigi had provided the proper leadership and pacing,” Lizzy said. “The rules clearly state that blockers must stay in tight formation.”
Dorothy sighed. Geekzilla was right. Their blockers had been spread all over the track and had received multiple penalties for breaking up the pack. Gigi either didn’t notice or she didn’t care.
“Every girl for herself,” Gigi said.
“Team sport, hon,” Grandma said.
Gigi made a disgusted face. “Whatever. It’s not like any of Geekzilla’s plays worked, either.”
“That is affirmative,” Lizzy said, flipping open her playbook. “I failed to take into account one major variable. Dinah, would you care to explain why you feigned a seizure in the middle of the track?”
“That wasn’t a seizure,” Dinah said. Her body still appeared to be vibrating slightly from her energy drink. “That was the Hokey Pokey.” Dinah demonstrated by wiggling her bottom and flapping her arms up and down like an injured duck.
If that was the Hokey Pokey, it was a version Dorothy had never seen before.
“Well, it is kind of a great way to distract the other team,” Dorothy said, trying to sound optimistic. Unfortunately, Dinah’s spazzery had distracted Dorothy, too. What was worse, one of Dinah’s crazy kicks had collided with Dorothy’s skate, and their wheels had become linked. They couldn’t pull their feet apart and ended up tripping one of the Peanuts. Both Dorothy and Dinah went to the penalty box for that mishap.
What Slugs ’n’ Hisses needs is some creative coaching, Dorothy thought. Why doesn’t Grandma make Gigi skate backward? Then Gigi would have to look at the pack.
Dorothy’s thoughts were interrupted by a tug on her shirt. It was Juana. “You are thinking something, no? You shoulds tell us.”
Dorothy sighed and shook her head. “No. Just a dumb idea. No one would listen to me, anyway.”
“I woulds,” Juana said.
Dorothy looked at Juana. The dark-haired girl looked so sincere.
“Well,” Dorothy said, “I was just thinking that Gigi could skate backward, and…” She was about to add that Jade should pass the star occasionally. Jade was good, but she got so winded she had to call time-outs just to catch her breath.
“Skate backward?” Gigi snorted. “No offense, Undead, but that is a dumb idea.”
Dorothy’s confidence deflated like a punctured tire. “Oh,” she said, her shoulders sagging. So much for speaking up.
Still, the Slugs had to make improvements, and soon. If they continued to botch games like this, they were sure to lose, or worse, injure players. Nobody wanted to be on a team that lost all the time. Including Dorothy. But what could she do?