Caldor East n. 1. The portion of the East Hampton Town Dump where scavenging is permissible. 2. Any yard sale primarily supplied by materials reclaimed from the dump. Origin: The former Caldor discount retail center in Bridgehampton.
campers n. People who hang out in trendy restaurants long after finishing their meals, loathe to give up their place in the scene. “Spill something on those campers at fourteen, we really need the table.” Also fixtures. See scene whore.
Can you top this? n. A social game of conspicuous consumption played among aspiring MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE for STATUS POINTS.
candy store n. The Southampton Town Zoning Board of Appeals, where 95% of variance applications are granted, more than a few out of fear of lawsuits based upon previously granted precedent setting ZBA decisions. The ZBA defines “hardship' as the Southampton Town Zoning Code. Also rubber stamp. See Stop & Shop.
car maid n. An automobile detailer, especially one who is retained on a weekly basis.
cashcade (kash·kayd) n. 1. A large income independent of employment, such as a trust fund. 2. An unstoppable waterfall of money.
cashtaway n. A wealthy single person living alone in a huge house; a rich hermit. See big house.
cashtipation n. The inability to spend or otherwise let go of money. cashtipated —adj.
cashtration n. 1. Loss of one's money or assets due to external forces, even when such forces have been set into motion by one's own actions. 2. The intent or effect of a divorce. cashtrate —v. 3. To punish economically. cashtrated —adj.
catch and release Expression. See tag and release.
cattle car n. A bus for CIDIOTS.
cashtaway
cave dweller n. 1. The inhabitant of an apartment in New York City. 2. A city hick. See cidiot.
celebutante n. An amateur celebrity. e.g., Paris Hilton. Conflation of celebrity and dilettante.
celebutard n. One who is renowned more for their stupidity than their talent. e.g. Lindsey Lo-han. Conflation of celebrity and retard.
cellibate adj. The state or condition of being without a cell phone.
centimillionaire adj. Having a net worth of at least one hundred million but less than one billion dollars. Also big dog.
centsless adj. 1. Penny wise and pound foolish. Negotiating the price of a service so aggressively that one is assured of a cut-rate result. See cheese. 2. Without pocket change. e.g., One who uses the tip jar or penny dish at a retail checkout to pay for their purchase.
certificate of genius n. A demonstrated ability to make money. See gift of God.
charity charade n. 1. A highly profitable event staged by a non-profit organization that distributes negligible sums to the beneficiaries. e.g., The HAMPTON CLASSIC, which despite a budget over $3.5 million, 60,000 spectators and fifty exclusive vendors including Fendi, Hermès of Paris, Jaguar, Land Rover, etc., only donated $40,000 to Southampton Hospital. 2. The practice of making contributions to organizations and institutions that are controlled by one's family or that will directly benefit one's personal or business interests. e.g., Receiving a substantial tax reduction for the donation of a parcel of land to the Nature Conservancy while maintaining full use of the property. 3. Make a donation to a charity event solely for publicity purposes. See charity ball.
charred sale n. A yard sale at which the owner's furnishings are sold by the tenants at the end of the summer rental.
cheapscape n. 1. The minimally landscaped site around a brand new house. Often the result of blowing one's budget on the construction of a McMANSION. 2. Spec house landscaping. Antonym instant forest. See barkscaping.
checkbook environmentalist n. One who writes a check in the amount of a few thousand dollars to an organization such as the Nature Conservancy while on a personal jet commute to one of their many vacation estates, where acres of lawn are immaculately maintained through the generous use of irrigation systems, pesticides, fungicides and chemical fertilizers, the outdoor swimming pool is kept heated to body temperature through November and both the 12,000 square foot main house and the 3,800 square foot guest cottage are maintained at a constant 68 degrees year-round, despite the fact that the property is only used a few weekends each year. See exemptionalist.
cheep n. The sound produced when a tightwad walks.
cheese v. 1. To place additional demands or requirements after negotiating the terms of a deal. e.g., Agree on a purchase price for a house, then demand that the furniture be included in the deal, or that the price be reduced for various minor defects noted in an engineer's report. [LATIN caseus, from PROTO-INDO-EUROPEAN base kwat (to sour)] cheeser —adj. 2. One who cheeses or practices cheesing. See it's a deal.
Chevy subdivision n. An SUV that is larger than a house. See wheel estate.
chictionary n. A man's black book of women's telephone numbers.
choker See Bonac burger.
chowder Surfing, n. Water pollution; floating debris such as such as human waste, hurricane wreckage, etc. “The break looks sweet, but it's full of chowder.” See Neptune cocktail.
Chubby Checker Surfing, n. A type of poser, typically a middle-aged, heavyset male who spends a primo surf day checking all the best spots, chatting about conditions, but who never actually paddles out. Chubby Checkers loiter conspicuously in the parking lot before declaring the surf isn't perfect enough and moving on. “This sucks, I'm going to DITCH.” See poser.
chum slick n. A group of boisterous young men often seen hanging out in nightclubs and bars aggressively trying to pick up young ladies. Chum slicks are characterized by loud, rowdy behavior and the liberal use of lame pick-up lines. See 555.
cidiot (city·it) Literal “an idiot from the city.” n. 1. A person who does not know how to behave when removed from their natural urban environment. A city hick. 2. An urban cave dweller who, while traveling or vacationing in the country, behaves without consideration for local custom or rules. “There's a cidiot parked in the fire zone.” 3. A philistine with delusions of grandeur. Arrogant public display of superiority is one of the key qualities of cidiocy. cidiocy —adj. 4. The self-delusion of being savvy. Conflation of city and idiot.
circling n. A pre-mating behavior, often performed in nightclubs, in which two people circle each other for inspection, similar to the manner in which dogs meet. See cold cuts.
cleaverage n. Cleavage that is used by a woman as leverage to get a man to do something she wants. e.g., Victoria used her cleaverage to get a free pass to the STAR ROOM.
cloak v. 1. Keep a low profile. 2. Stay close to home; avoiding driving, shopping, etc. Also ghost. —n. 3. The preferred behavior of locals during the SILLY SEASON, especially on weekends and holidays. cloaked —adj.
clocksucker n. A person who drags out a job or project in order to drive up the cost. See construction screw.
Club Fed n. A State sponsored vacation home for Hamptons' notables such as Martha Stewart (insider trading), Lizzie Grubman (vehicular assault), Daniel Pelosi (murder), ImClone CEO Sam Waksal (insider trading and fraud), Arnold Bengis (international poaching and smuggling), etc.
cold cuts pl. n. Patrons at singles bar. See slaughterhouse.
cold war n. Competitive conspicuous consumption; the ongoing struggle to outspend one's social adversaries. Upgrading from a $8,500 Sub-Zero refrigerator to a $12,500 Northland Master Series, or better yet, to an even more expensive out-of production Traulson commercial refrigerator with glass doors, which requires staff to keep the visible interior clean and organized.
command performance n. A public blunder made while attempting to display wealth and power. Accidentally setting off the alarm in one's $100,000 automobile directly in front of the crowd seated at a trendy outdoor café. See James Blonde.
compass n. 1. A personal security detail. compassed —adj. 2. Protected by a personal security detail. Having bodyguards stationed at three, six, nine and twelve o'clock. Derivation: encompassed.
compensatory enrichment n. Lavish gifts given, especially to one's children, as a substitute for love and attention. See Lizzie Grubman Effect.
confirmed bachelor Euphemism. Flaming homosexual.
conspicuous consumption n. A highly visible flag with which to attract salesmen, thieves, kidnappers, con men, fund raisers, environmental activists, social satirists, etc.
construction manager n. A general contractor in disguise. See general contractor.
construction screw n. A poorly trained, unprofessional or otherwise incompetent tradesman or subcontractor. A worker who arrives late or fails to show up entirely, overcharges, steals building materials, does poor quality work, sleeps on the job, etc.
consumption n. A highly infectious disease characterized by lesions on one's bank account and massive accumulation of material goods, particularly those of high cost which are rarely, if ever, used. Also white plague.
contemporary adj., n. An architectural style once common in the Hamptons, best described as modernism after fifty years of PROLETARIAN DRIFT, that signifies nothing other than a complete lack of aesthetic sensibility.
Cook-out n. A traditional Hamptons recreational activity in which an older, pedigreed Lothario cheats on his middle-aged yet still beautiful wife with a girl in her teens.
corporate landscape n. An area where real estate is predominantly deeded to corporations as tax and liability shelters or to hide the identity of the real owners. See hedge fund.
corporate landscaper n. A guy with a lawn mower, pickup truck and glossy multi-page color brochure offering a suite of landscape services from grass cutting, edging, and fertilization to irrigation, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides, hedge trimming, tree pruning, etc.
cost drop v. 1. Disclose the cost of a product or service one has purchased, either to impress others with one's ability to make such stupendous expenditures or to astound others with one's cheapness. —n. 2. A competitive version of “can you top this” played between self-appointed MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE for STATUS POINTS. cost dropper —n. 3. One who attempts to impress others by referring to the cost of goods and services they have purchased, especially in a complaining way, as if unable to afford them. “The tuition for Madison's preschool is $34,000.”
cottage n. Diminutive term for one's McMANSION in the Hamptons. “We have a cottage on the beach in East Hampton.” See megacottage.
counter monkey n. A person who is assumed to be poor and ignorant because they work behind the counter in a retail establishment, and is treated accordingly. See degradation ceremony.
country, the Euphemism. Suburbia.
cranial-rectal inversion n. A severe psycho-physiological condition for which CASHTRATION is the only reliable cure. See MOTUS.
craptacular adj. Spectacularly awful, especially if at great financial cost.
creeping Hamptonism n. Rude behavior visited upon those who live outside of the Hamptons by those on their way to the Hamptons. e.g., An FUV parked in the Fire Zone at the King Kullen supermarket in Manorville.
crying poor n. 1. Wealthy people who complain that they don't have any money. See relative deprivation. 2. People who live in the Hamptons in a house that they own but who don't own any other property. See marginally rich.
cultural guide n. Any publication used to identify products safe for consumption by social climbers. e.g., THE NEW YORK TIMES, HAMPTONS MAGAZINE, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, etc. See sheeple.
curb appeal n. The first impression of a house or a hooker as seen from the street.
curtesy n. Insincere or outright mocking courtesy. e.g., To say “good day” instead of “hello”. curteous —adj.
cusstomer n. An ill-behaved or foul-mouthed patron. A customer who uses foul language or whose behavior inspires the use of foul language by others.
custom adj. 1. Amazingly or expensively screwed up. “We're building a custom house in Southampton.” 2. Broken. Also customized.
CWD Acronym. Celebrity Worship Disorder n. An obsessive and often prurient interest in celebrities. “If we go to Nick and Tony's we might see Jerry Seinfeld!”