hamlet n. 1. A small community, similar to a village, except without its own municipal government and therefore destined for tragedy. e.g., Water Mill. 2. The realm of Princes. e.g., Bridge-hampton. 3. A former Prince of Denmark.
hamp, hampere (ham·pir') n. A standard unit of intensity in the International System of Units, equivalent to seeing one celebrity.
hamperage n. The magnitude of a Hamptons event as measured in hamps. See hamp.
hample adj. Beyond ample; more than more than enough. e.g., His and hers Hummers.
hamplification n. 1. The glorification of excess. hamplify —v.
hampster n. A small and relatively insignificant rodent, active during the summer months, that leaves a trail of waste and garbage around its burrow and the watering holes it frequents. e.g., A tenant in a share house in the Hamptons. Also grouper.
hampster cage n. A group rental or share house in the Hamptons.
Hampton Bays n. Workforce housing for Hamptons service personnel. Conflation of Hamptons and bay (storage area or pit). See west of the canal.
Hampton Classic n. 1. A story that exemplifies everything that is wrong with the Hamptons. e.g., The woman who, after waiting weeks for her reservation at Nick and Toni's, calmly finished her dinner after her husband, who had collapsed to the floor, was carted off by paramedics. 2. One of the largest manure-producing events in the United States, annually held in a former potato field in Bridgehampton. See charity charade.
Hampton Jitney See cattle car.
Hampton serenade n. The continuous and often overwhelming cacophony of: gasoline powered hedge trimmers, lawn mowers, leaf blowers, low flying private jets and helicopters, cigarette boats, jet skis, the screaming sirens of emergency vehicles, automobile horns and security alarms, loud music and other noise from restaurants, nightclubs, house parties, etc.
Hampton Jitney
Hamptonectomy n. Radical removal from the Hamptons, often self-imposed for medical reasons. See Hamptonitus.
Hamptonescent adj. 1. Reminiscent of the Hamptons; like or similar to the Hamptons. 2. Overly crowded, overly trendy and way too expensive.
Hamptoniac n. A person affected with HAMPTONOSIS.
Hamptonite adj. 1. One who falsely claims residency in the Hamptons. 2. A person who owns property in the Hamptons but does not live there. 3. Law Enforcement. A self-centered, Mercedes-Benz driving ignoramus. e.g., A person who stops at the scene of a car accident to ask police for directions.
Hamptonitus n. 1. Severe, allergic reaction to CIDIOTS. 2. The deleterious physical, mental, emotional and spiritual condition caused by overexposure to the Hamptons.
Hamptonium Mythology. n. 1. A rare and exceedingly valuable element that bestows supreme social status. The toniest of all the elements. 2. The substance responsible for the high price of Hamptons consumer goods. e.g., The mysterious ingredient responsible for the $8.00 cost of a single scoop ice cream cone at Dylan's Candy Bar in East Hampton.
Hamptonization n. The transformation of a poor rural community into a heavily trafficked and absurdly expensive DISTURBIA.
Hamptonologist n. 1. A self-styled expert on the Hamptons who is basically clueless. e.g, Barbara Kopple, executive producer of the television documentary “The Hamptons”. 2. A writer who has made a career out of exploiting people suffering from HAMPTONOSIS, e.g., James Brady, Stephen Gaines, etc.
Hamptonosis n. A psychotic condition characterized by obsessive fascination with anything related to the Hamptons.
Hamptons, the n. 1. A brand name resort designated safe for consumption and accumulation of STATUS POINTS by the A-LIST, celebrities and other social authorities. “I'm going to the Hamptons for the weekend.” 2. A catchall phrase used to describe the East End of Long Island by those unfamiliar with the area. See East End. 3. A former cluster of small hamlets and villages that has been transformed into an overcrowded, polluted and absurdly expensive suburbia, indistinguishable from other trendy resorts that capitalize on greed, bad taste and the utter lack of both individuality and intelligence. See Hamptonization. 4. A term used to add appeal or allure to a product or service. The Hamptons Diet. —adj. 5. Shallow; pretentious; affected. “I'd go to that party at Martha's if it weren't so Hamptons.” Origin: The term “the Hamptons” was first used by Real Estate Broker Allan Schneider, who for marketing purposes, grouped the individual villages and hamlets of the East End together under a single name. See Schneidered.
Hamptons age n. The age that fits the persona that one is trying to project. e.g., The age claimed by an OVERLOADED teenager trying to get into a nightclub or a BARNACLE trying to get into the pants of a BLANK CHICK.
Hamptons Magazine n. A glossy AD RAG and social guide for the PARVENU that glorifies the lifestyles of the rich and excessive. See hamplification.
Hamptons price n. The standard price plus anywhere between 15% and 100%. It's the Hamptons, why pay less?
Hamptons shuffle, the n. 1. A ritual dance performed exclusively by the working class, the steps of which consist of maintaining multiple jobs, or working double- or triple-time in a single job, in an increasingly futile attempt to be able to afford to live in the Hamptons. 2. The exhausting weekend commute between one's city residence and vacation house in the Hamptons. See weekend warrior.
hamputee adj. 1. One who is cut off while waiting in line at a Hamptons supermarket, restaurant, deli, library, bank or other place of business, or while driving in the Hamptons, by a self-appointed MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE whose time is, of course, far more valuable than one's own. n. 2. The driver, often of a LAND YACHT or FUV, who is either unwilling or unable to signal impending directional changes.
handicap spot n. Reserved parking areas for the mentally impaired, who invariably drive FUVs, Mercedes, BMWs, etc. See disturbia.
handyman's special n. Any real property in less than ideal condition, allegedly priced at a discount. “I saw a handyman's special in Springs for $895,000” See recycle.
happy look n. The perpetual sneer worn by the never satisfied.
harmoneyous adj. Agreeably well moneyed.
haught couture (hawt koo·tur') n. A scornful, condescendingly proud and aggressively superior style of fashion, often displayed in settings such as the Candy Kitchen in Bridgehampton or Saint Andrew's Dune Church in Southampton. See freak show.
haut kitsch Literal “high trash.” n. A style based on transcending the mundane, often implemented inadvertently while attempting to accomplish something quite different. See inferior decoration.
hawking v. 1. Slow cruising and circling, in search of either a sexual conquest or a parking spot. 2. While driving, following a pedestrian in the hope of capturing their parking spot when they leave. Also vultching.
hedge fund n. 1. A vacation property in the Hamptons. 2. The sum of money allocated to the landscaping of new McMANSION or MEGACOTTAGE. See instant forest.
heir pollution n. 1. A large number of heirs and or heiresses concentrated in a small area. 2. A large number of offspring produced by a wealthy person.
heir pressure n. 1. Demands made by one's potential heirs. See heirass. 2. The stress of having to share an inheritance. See heir raid.
heir raid n. The actions initiated upon the death of a wealthy parent, spouse or other benefactor, often involving teams of lawyers and private detectives. See heircraft.
heirass (aer'·as) n. A persistently irritating and ill-behaved heir to great wealth. e.g., Luke Weil, Paris Hilton.
heirbrained adj. 1. Consumed by one's potential inheritance. 2. Mad as a March hare; giddy; foolhardy.
heircraft (aer'·kraft) n. 1. The art of positioning oneself to receive the largest possible inheritance. Also heirmanship. 2. A personal jet or private yacht. Also heir transport.
heirhead (aer'·hed) adj., n. A person of inherited wealth with far more money than sense. e.g., Paris Hilton.
heirlock (aer'·lok) n. The condition of being sole beneficiary. “She has an HEIRLOCK on the estate.”
heirsickness n. 1. Feelings of nausea, fatigue or annoyance resulting from unceasing whining and constant attempts at manipulation by one's heirs. See heir pressure. 2. A debilitating condition affecting potential beneficiaries in line to inherit great wealth, characterized by indolence, impatience, frustration and irritation. 3. A public health hazard caused by overexposure to heirs and heiresses. e.g., Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, etc. heirsick —adj.
hicnic n. A white trash barbecue.
high roller n. A person who gets a flat tire and buys a new car.
himbo n. An attractive but stupid or shallow man. Variation of bimbo. Also blank chuck.
hipatitus n. Chronic, incurable coolness. See fadget.
hiring hall n. A job center for illegal immigrants. The 7-Eleven in Southampton or (formerly) the Long Island Railroad Station in East Hampton. See labor tourist.
hit the daily double adj. Born white and rich. e.g., Paris Hilton.
hit the trifecta adj. Born white, rich and male. e.g., Luke Weil. Also won the Triple Crown.
hitchhikers n. Cockroaches that ride CIDIOTS' luggage from Manhattan to the Hamptons.
holidaze n. The hangover after a long party weekend.
holy breadlock n. The condition of having married for money. If you marry for money, you will surely earn it.
HOMO Acronym. Homeowner.
homogenic adj. Neurotically hygienic. “Leave your shoes outside and come in, but only step on the mat. Take a pair of paper slippers from the dispenser – make sure you don't step off the mat! Put the slippers on ... Maria! Rufus pooped on the floor again, hurry and clean it up! Well, don't just stand there, come in! How are you?” Conflation of homeowner and hygienic.
honesty n. A simple matter of economics.
honor n. Wealth.
hostage negotiator n. A homeowner or developer who holds a contractor captive with a promise of payment for services previously completed, but only after additional work has been performed.
house fluffing v. Installing temporary visual improvements such as art and furnishings to maximize the sale price of a house. house fluffer —n. Also staging.
house of cards n. 1. A highly leveraged property, especially if purchased solely for status, that one is economically hard-pressed to maintain. 2. A flimsy structure that will collapse with the first breath of wind. A new, speculatively built McMANSION in the Hamptons.
humbrella n. A device such as a beach umbrella that is used to shield the view of sexual activity in a public place, such as at Peter's Pond Beach in Sagaponack. Also humpbrella.
humbrella
humility n. Resentful submission to one's superiors.
hummer n. 1. A type of FUV. See FUV. 2. A masculinity-boosting device.
hummerbird n. 1. A flightless, invasive and highly destructive species, closely related to the dodo, that migrates to the Hamptons for the SILLY SEASON. 2. A hand gesture commonly used to communicate with FUV drivers. See FUV.
Hummeroid n. 1. An extremely irritating condition that consists of having a Hummer riding your ass while driving. 2. The person driving the Hummer that is tailgating you.
hurricane bait n. 1. Any oceanfront property. 2. One who builds an oceanfront house in an area frequented by violent cyclonic storms.
hyperchondriac n. A person who is neurotically obsessed with their health. A condition characterized by regular or repeated consultations with a variety of medical experts, often for third and fourth opinions, genetic sequencing for hereditary disease, head-to-toe MRI and CT scans, invasive exploratory procedures, etc., to confirm that one is indeed physically healthy, at least for the moment.
hyperdating n. Dating many different people over a short period of time, preferably a different one each and every night. See bed hopping.
hyperparenting n. Obsessive micromanagement of a child's schedule and activities out of fear that one's child will underperform academically, socially or athletically. A behavior that invariably guarantees that one's fears will be realized. hyperparent —v., n. hyperparental —adj.
hyperpoliteness n. 1. Disingenuous courtesy. See curtesy. 2. Civility taken to the level of mockery. e.g., Addressing a restaurant server or store clerk as “sir” or “madam”. 3. A form of insincerity often used in combination with OBSESSIVE PERSISTENCE, usually in an attempt to attain something difficult to acquire, such as an item not on the restaurant's menu or a table at Bobby Van's on Saturday night.
