Manhattan blonde n. Any one of thousands of indistinguishable blonde women fully bedecked in a tourist uniform consisting of tennis whites, jodhpurs and riding boots, etc., accessorized with diamond jewelry and Chanel or other brand name purse. See jet blonde.
manny (man'·ee) n. 1. A male nanny. 2. A mannequin seated in the driver's seat of a parked police car positioned so as to deter speeders.
manscaping n. The art of shaving and trimming one's body hair.
marginally rich adj. Barely able to afford to live in the Hamptons. See destitute.
marketecture n. 1. The architecture of SPEC houses. 2. A style of architecture concerned solely with maximizing the sale value of speculatively developed real estate. A house with the maximum number of bedrooms with en-suite baths, a swimming pool, SHOW KITCHEN, security system, faux classical detailing, etc., applied in a manner to give the appearance of scale and opulence at the least possible expense. See featuritis.
mask of success n. The projection of an attitude of boredom, as if one has already seen everything worth seeing too many times. The simulation of a behavior assumed to belong to the upper class. See happy look.
mason's insurance n. Construction Industry. A panel of glass carefully set to block the flue of a newly constructed chimney. The glass is discretely broken out with a brick once full payment for the work has been received.
masstige (mas·stej') n. 1. The level of respect at which one is regarded by others for accumulation or display of mass-marketed consumer products such as Polo, BMW, Harley Davidson, Rolex, etc. 2. The prestige of owning brand name consumer goods.
master of the universe n. 1. The self-image of a person who has just purchased or rented a vacation house in the Hamptons. 2. A person who is utterly incapable of doing their own laundry. See MOTUS.
maximalism n. A distinctly American school of thought that regards bigger as better. If a 2,000 square foot house is good, a 20,000 square foot house must be better. See big.
McMansion n. 1. Tasteless architectural fast food. 2. A super-sized house. 3. An oversize house speculatively built with the cheapest materials and labor for quick sale to uneducated social climbers desperate to improve their status. A massive pseudo- or neoclassical style house built on a too-small lot and readily identified by an eyebrow roof window, fiberglass porch columns, acres of soon to be peeling paint and a Range Rover in the driveway. 4. A philistine's status symbol. 5. A house painter's dream. See annuity.
McMansion farm n. A subdivision of too-big houses crammed together on too-small lots.
McMoron n. A freshly minted multi-millionaire who rushes to the Hamptons to buy a MC-MANSION.
MDL Acronym. Mutton Dressed as Lamb. Expression. A mature woman, often in her 50's or older, who dresses as if she were in her 20's. See fifty-footer.
megacottage n. 1. An absurdly large weekend house; a McMANSION. 2. A self-defeating “getaway” house that requires substantial expense for operation and maintenance. See pig-out.
meme (mee'·mee) n. One who is excessively preoccupied with oneself. “I don't care if it's Sunday. I don't care if it's your daughter's communion. I don't care about you at all. All I care about is me, me, me! Now get over here and clean my swimming pool right now!” See screaming meme.
Midas effect n. The unique and seemingly effortless ability of wealth to turn anything into shit.
Midas touch n. 1. The tendency of money to multiply itself despite the gross errors of those who have it. e.g., Buy a badly designed, poorly built house on a noisy road at the top of the market and sell it in a year for double the purchase price.
MDL
million dollar smile n. The expression on a real estate broker's face at a Hamptons closing.
millionaire adj. 1. A poor person. 2. One who cannot afford a second (or first) home in the Hamptons. Finance. 3. A person with an annual income of at least one million dollars. See junior millionaire. 4. Obsolete. A person with a net worth of at least one million dollars.
missed the gravy boat Expression. 1. Failed to exercise an opportunity to purchase real estate in the Hamptons before the latest boom in prices. 2. The feeling that the vacation house one has just bought could have, until very recently, been purchased for a substantially lower price.
mize (my·ze) v. 1. Attempt to negotiate the purchase of a clearly priced item or service. 2. Attempt to avoid sales tax by offering to pay cash. mizer —n.
mizernaire (my·zer'·nair) n. 1. A person who lives in a rent controlled apartment in Manhattan and owns a vacation house in the Hamptons. 2. A wealthy person who aggressively negotiates the price of every purchase, no matter how small. Also blue chipper.
mizery (my·zer'·ee) n. The condition or state of being unable to negotiate a discount.
mobile (mo'·bile) n. Foul language screamed into a cell phone. e.g., The CIDIOT screaming obscenities into his cell phone while pushing his child in a stroller down Job's Lane in Southampton. going mobile—v. See degradation ceremony.
mobile home n. An automobile filled with a homeless person's belongings. Also mobile office.
modelist n. A attractive woman, often an aging former model, who uses her appearance to acquire benefits from men such as use of a Hamptons summerhouse, restaurant invitations, sports or theater tickets, etc., without the sex that is often customary in such an exchange. See AMT.
modelizer n. One who pursues models lecherously. modelize —v.
modernism n. A formerly avant-garde style of architecture now considered déclassé by those pretending to be old money. The reason there are so many NEOCLASSICAL McMANSIONS in the Hamptons.
mom job n. Surgical procedures used to restore the appearance of a woman's body after child birth. e.g., Breast lift, tummy tuck, etc. Also mommy makeover.
mommiac n. A maniacal mother, invariably accompanied by child, often in a stroller, who emotionally detonates when impeded. e.g., The woman who, while trespassing with offspring and nanny at Foster Farm, exploded when politely asked to introduce herself. Conflation of mommy and maniac. See emotional detonation.
moneyed adj. Noble.
monirexia n. A psychological disorder characterized by an abnormal fear of becoming poor, a distorted self-image and persistent compulsion to acquire money, often accompanied by obsessive negotiation of purchases, frivolous lawsuits, etc.
monster house n. 1. A house that is too big for its lot. 2. An oversized house, especially one that doesn't match the scale or style of neighboring architecture. Also Frankenhouse.
Montauk n. A place that is so far out it's beyond the Hamptons. Also The End.
moron n. A carpenter who cut a board too short. “But it's only short on one end!” Conflation of more and on. See staff.
moronodon n. 1. A person whose volume of consumption pushes not just their own species but all life on planet Earth towards extinction. See exemptionalist. 2. A person of such colossal stupidity that they are on the verge of self-extinction, a behavior often demonstrated while driving in the Hamptons. See MVA.
MOTUS (moe'.tuss) Acronym. Master of the Universe Syndrome. The belief that one is ranked a step above POTUS (President of the United States). See egotheism.
muffin top n. The roll of flesh that hangs over the waistline of one's pants, especially if one is wearing a midriff-baring top. See spandex rule.
MVA Acronym. Motor Vehicle Accident. The inevitable result of too many TIMED-OUT MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE competing against each other in the Hamptons.