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FEELING GREAT EVERY DAY
DIANE BILLS
Have you ever said to yourself, “I would feel so good about myself if… “? If I could just make the varsity football team. If I could win a student-body office. If I could be a cheerleader. If I could make the basketball team, volleyball team, or any team. If I could just get straight A’s or make the honor roll or get a good scholarship. I’d feel so great, if I had more friends, or if I could just run around with “that group.” Life would be great if I were sixteen and could date, or (for those of you who are sixteen) if I could just get a date! I’d feel so great if I could be in the jazz band or orchestra, or dance club, drill team, a cappella choir, madrigals, or the school play. If only they’d chosen me to be in my Young Women class presidency or quorum presidency. If only I had been chosen for seminary council. If I just had my driver’s license and a car to drive. “Mom, I know these jeans cost $80.00, but I’d feel so great if I had them.” And on and on and on. I’d feel so great if only …
I had one of those “I’d feel so great ifs” when I was your age. I’m almost embarrassed to tell you what it was, and yet, because of this desire, I had an experience that changed my life.
When I was in high school, I wanted to become the queen of something—anything! You’re probably amused, but, seriously, I wanted so badly to become the queen of something. I grew up in a queen family. My cousins were queens of everything. One cousin even went on to compete in the Miss America Pageant.
One of my closest cousins was my age. When we became teenagers, it seemed as though she was elected the queen of just about everything. I graduated from high school, not being the queen of anything. I wasn’t jealous of my cousin, just the opposite. I was excited every time she won. It was like having my sister win, and I’d say, “Yes!! Way to go!”
After graduation from high school, my cousin Cami and I became roommates at BYU. Our sophomore year, Cami made head cheerleader. That same year I made it into one of BYU’s singing and dancing groups. We were loving life.
Toward the end of the school year, it was announced that BYU was going to conduct the biggest “queen contest” the school had ever had. This particular contest would be held in conjunction with the bicentennial celebration of our country’s birth. The winner would be named the “Bicentennial Belle of the Y.” She would not only be Homecoming Queen and Belle of the Y, but she would reign as BYU’s queen for the entire year! She would get a full-ride scholarship and she would become the official school hostess, the escort for any dignitaries who visited BYU campus. She would also have four attendants. Sounds kind of exciting doesn’t it?
Now guys, I know you can’t relate to the queen thing, so imagine for just a moment that this was going to be a Bicentennial All-Star Basketball Team with one player chosen to be the BYU Athlete of the Year. He would receive a full-ride scholarship as well as be the official school athlete to welcome all the other teams or athletes who visited the campus. Does that sound exciting to you?
I couldn’t believe such a neat opportunity was being offered. I definitely wanted to get involved. As I checked the requirements, I found out to my dismay, that the contest was going to last five weeks—five weeks!! My singing and dancing group had practiced all year long for our spring tour, which was scheduled to begin in just four weeks. I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to try out.
My cousin came home from school one day, all bubbly and excited about something. She announced that she was going to try out for the Bicentennial Queen.
“You’re so lucky,” I said “I would love to do something like that.”
“Why don’t you try out with me?” she asked.
“I can’t, the contest lasts five weeks and our singing group is going on tour in four weeks,” I told her.
“Hey, don’t worry about that,” Cami said. “Come and get into the contest with me. We’ll make lots of friends, and for fun just see how far we can go. We probably won’t make it that far anyway.”
“You know, she’s right,” I thought. “It would be fun, especially doing it together. Let me think about it,” I said.
I decided to pray about it first, and depending on how I felt, I would follow those feelings. As I prayed, I felt a sweet peace inside. I could hardly wait to tell my cousin.
“Sign me up! I’m in.” I blurted.
Cami was pleased with my decision.
To the best of my recollection, the contest began with around one hundred and thirty girls. Each week, there would be a competition, and then a cut would be made for five consecutive weeks. After each cut, the campus newspaper, Daily Universe, would print the names of the top three girls for that week’s competition. The judges would also keep an overall running score of how well each girl had performed. This was the score that counted, because it determined who made it that week and who didn’t. After the final cut, the five remaining girls would become the royalty, with the student body voting for the winner.
The first competition was to determine modeling, poise, and posture. As soon as it was over, I knew I hadn’t made it. I didn’t even want to go look at the board where the list was posted of who made the cut.
Cami hurried home from school to tell me we both had made it! I was shocked! I was so sure that I hadn’t made it. Cami’s name appeared in the newspaper as one of the top three for that competition.
The second competition was to bake a cake from scratch and also make an article of clothing or craft project of our choosing. Once again, I was sure I hadn’t made it. I was nervous as I looked through the fifty posted names, and then I saw it! My name was there! I couldn’t believe it. It was really there!
The third event was a speech competition. We each wrote and then delivered a ten-minute speech about BYU, and then gave an impromptu speech. As I recall, it took most of the day to do our speeches. Then came the next cut to twenty-five girls. The most surprising news came when my name appeared in the newspaper as one of the top three for that competition, and consequently, I made the third cut.
The fourth part of the contest was the part we all dreaded the most—the in-depth cultural interviews! These were “one-on-one” interviews on art, literature, music, philosophy, and religion.
That Saturday morning we were all uptight for the interviews. Just before they began, I asked myself why I was so nervous? After all, it was the end of the fourth week of competition, and my singing group was going on tour in two days—I knew I had to go on tour. The contest was basically over for me. I might as well go to the interviews and have fun. When we arrived, I remember cheering everyone else on to do well. As I interviewed, I felt totally relaxed. At this point it didn’t matter how well I did.
As soon as the interviews were over, I went to the woman in charge of the contest and explained to her that I was going to have to drop out because of my singing tour. I also explained that I had never thought I would make it this far. She was surprised, and said “Let me just go and see how you did today.”
Would you want to know how you did that day if it were you in the contest? Guys, if you were in basketball tryouts, would you want to know how you did? You bet you would!
So she left. She was gone for what seemed an eternity. I can still visualize in my mind the experience that followed. She came back through the door, looked at me, and said, “Don’t go on tour.”
“I have to,” I said.
“Don’t go on tour.”
“But, I have to.”
“Diane, please don’t go on tour.”
“You don’t understand,” I said, “I’m in a singing-dancing group with guys and girls as partners. We are paired for our performance.”
“Diane, I shouldn’t tell you this, but today, you got the top score on the interviews.”
“I what?”
“You got the top score on interviews! Because of today’s score you are now in first place in the overall running score of the contest. You’ve made it! Right now you’re practically guaranteed to make it into the royalty. Just stay until Tuesday night to do your talent, then fly out, and meet your singing group on Wednesday.”
I stood there in shock. “I can’t believe this!” I said. “This is amazing!” On the outside I tried to act calm, but my insides were all churning.
“I’ll be there Tuesday night,” I said. “You can count on it! I’ll do what ever it takes to be there.”
I ran to my tour director’s house about a mile off campus and explained to him my dilemma. He and I tried to figure out a way for me to stay until Tuesday night and then fly out to meet our group on Wednesday. As we looked at the tour itinerary, we could see that the schedule was too tight, with practically two performances a day. On Wednesday, the group would be nowhere near an airport.
“It won’t work,” he said. “There’s no way we can come to get you at any of these airports. They are hours away.”
Finally, he told me I could stay home from tour and finish the contest instead.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I said.
Obviously, he could sense what I wanted. As he walked me to the door, he said, “Wait a minute. There’s something I hadn’t even considered. What about your partner? If you stay, your partner and the couple opposite you on stage won’t be able to perform on tour.”
We both stopped. He was right. I knew he was right. Everything our group did was symmetrical. There was no backup to take my place.
“You can still stay to do your contest, Diane, but if you do, they won’t be able to perform,” he said. “I’ll let you make the decision.”
Now I ask you, my young friends, “What would you do?” Here you are, a girl who would have been thrilled to be in the royalty of even a stake dance, and now, a rare chance to be part of BYU’s Bicentennial Royalty. If you stay, three people in your singing group won’t be able to perform on tour. Girls, what would you have done if you were me? Guys, what would you do if you had a chance to be on the All-Star, BYU Bicentennial Team? What would you do?
Well, I did what every one of you would probably do… I called my dad and mom and asked them what I should do!!
My parents were surprised and pleased that I had made it into the finals. My mom said, “Oh, my little Diane could be BYU’s queen.” My dad said, “The scholarship sure sounds good!” They told me to come home to Salt Lake City so we could talk. Dad and Mom were waiting with open arms when I arrived. We laughed, cried, and talked, desperately trying to figure out a way for me to finish the contest and still go on tour. The solutions weren’t coming. We kept running into a dead end. Finally, Mom said, “Diane, it looks like you have a decision to make. We can’t make this one for you. However, I would suggest you go in your bedroom and talk to the person who can give you the guidance you need.”
Mom was right. I needed to talk with Heavenly Father. He would let me know what to do. Late that afternoon I went into my bedroom and got on my knees to pray. I truly wanted an answer and decided I would pray until I got one, but nothing happened. I prayed on for a while longer, and still nothing happened. So I continued to pray.
Have you ever wanted an answer so much, but nothing happens? That’s happened to me many times. It’s not that Heavenly Father doesn’t care—He does care, and very deeply. I’ve learned that in His wisdom, He knows the best way and the best time to give an answer to each of us. Perhaps we aren’t asking for what is best for us at that moment in time, or maybe we just aren’t listening well enough for the answer. It is also possible that we need to humble ourselves more. What ever the reason, He does hear and He does care.
With still no answer, I began to pray more intensely and with a more tender heart. I shared with Him all my feelings; how I had always wanted to be a queen, how so many of my cousins had been, how I would feel so good inside if only…. As I humbled myself, I wept and prayed on. I don’t recall how long my prayer lasted. I do know I had never prayed with such intent and humility. The answer finally did come. It was clear, it was beautiful. I knew without question His will.
The following Monday morning, I was on a bus headed to California. Yes, I did drop out of the contest. And, yes, my cousin did make it into the royalty. I know some of you are going “Ohhhhhh.” But wait, wait until you hear the answer to that prayer. The answer is the whole reason I am sharing this story with you. You see, the answer isn’t just about me, it’s also about you. For a brief moment, in a tender, spiritual way that Saturday evening, Heavenly Father let me know who I am—it is also who you are. He let me feel in my heart that I didn’t need to be BYU’s queen to feel good about Diane, for I was already a queen in His sight. And then He let me understand what He has in store for each of us if we live worthily.
Oh, my young friends, DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? Do you have any idea who you are? You are sons and daughters of a Heavenly King, heirs to all that He has. Someday to become Kings and Queens. Those few, brief moments of spiritual communication in a quiet bedroom, on a Saturday evening, changed my life. The feelings of selfworth that swelled up inside me have been indelibly imprinted on my heart. I found out that night that I could not have felt better about myself, even if I had been crowned queen of BYU or been made BYU’s student body president. I learned that there is not an award, an honor, a presidency, or a queenship that man can bestow upon man, that even begins to compare to the stature we already enjoy in the sight of God.
I discovered that true self-esteem doesn’t come from being popular out in the world, but that true self-esteem comes from God. It is not the image of the world that matters, but rather, as Alma asks, in speaking of the Savior, “Have ye received his image in your countenances?” (Alma 5:14).
Who are you? You of the chosen generation. You righteous sons and daughters of God. You are heirs of all He has.
A group of students was hurrying to seminary class one day. They went up the steps into the building, and found Brother Asay standing at the door to greet them as they came in. He was to address all the classes that day. The teenagers couldn’t wait to hear him, for he was a spiritual giant in their eyes.
Brother Asay was a kind and gentle man. He was along in years and deeply spiritual. He had been a stake patriarch for many years.
As the students sat waiting for class to begin, Brother Asay walked in. He had tears in his eyes. He spoke softly. “Today, my young friends, I have had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.” The students listened with genuine interest. “As you came up the steps into the building, the Lord lifted the veil from my eyes and let me see who you are.”
A hush came over the students as they felt a sweet Spirit in the room. Then came words that pierced their hearts. Brother Asay said, “I felt as though I wanted to bow down before you.” Tears filled their eyes. This man, their leader, their friend, had been privileged to see their spirits; to experience from God the worth of these young people.
And so, I ask again, “Who are you? Do you know?”
There IS a way to feel great every day. That way is to draw close to the Father and His Son and to come to understand more fully who you are. You were chosen to come to the earth now, at this most difficult time. Your spirit must have been strong. You must have been mighty. You must have been righteous! As you come to understand more fully who you are, your feelings of worth will increase.
This way has been discovered by others who have gone before; people like Abraham, Moses, Nephi, Alma, and others. They had many trials, but they knew the source of their strength. It’s easier to understand how a man like Joseph Smith could be persecuted and harassed so often and yet remain strong. He understood that true feelings of worth don’t come from peers, but from God.
The Savior is the perfect example. In spite of persecution and ultimate betrayal by a friend, His eyes and heart were always turned heavenward. He also understood that true feelings of worth come from God.
It can be the same for you. When friends hurt you or betray you, when you don’t make the team or win the school office or get the date, when others try to tempt you or harm you, or when life seems too difficult and the world seems cruel—turn to your true source of strength. Turn to the one who knows and loves your spirit. Turn, humbly, to your Heavenly Father in prayer.
Diane Bills describes herself as a “full-time homemaker,” but she is also a professional motivational speaker who enjoys writing, crafts, and calligraphy. A returned missionary from the Belgium Brussels Mission, she has served as a leader and teacher in Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society. Diane graduated from the University of Utah and has performed nationally and internationally as a singer and dancer with various entertainment troupes. She is married to Christian V. Bills, and they have three children. Her essay is taken from the talk tape “The Secret to Loving Yourself,” by Diane Bills, produced and published by Covenant Communications, Inc.