CHAPTER NINE

DENIM

 

The cool toilet seat was uncomfortable as I peed on a stick inside of the luxury bunker that Bambi had built for us. Bradley was standing beside me rubbing my back as if I was already about to give birth. I could feel his excitement and it made me tense.

I loved this man so much that sometimes it hurt. And I also knew that things were about to get crazy with the Russians taking direct fire at us. I even had visions about burying someone under a Kennedy cloth. And since I was having the dream personally, I figured it was my husband. With all that said, the last thing I needed was another baby. But as sick as I’d been lately, I might not have had a choice.

When I pulled the stick out from between my legs Bradley took it out of my hands and sat it on the sink. Instead of getting up right away, I remained sitting on the toilet. “How were the dancers tonight?” I asked, still smelling the liquor on his body.

“How you know we went to the strip club?”

“You smell like cheap Victoria’s Secret body spray.”

He laughed. “It was aight.” He looked at the stick again and then back at me. “You said you didn’t mind so I figured it was cool.” He shrugged.

“Bradley, I don’t mind you going out, especially with your brothers. Besides, none of them bitches got shit on me and I’m not that shallow. I just wish you gave me the same freedom.” I paused. “I mean, why don’t you like me hanging out with Bambi and them?”

“It’s not that I don’t like you hanging out. We all live together. Ya’ll kick it here all the time.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It’s like this. Bambi, Scarlett and Race’s marriages are fucked up. And I don’t want their shit rubbing off on you. If that’s wrong, then kill me.”

“But they never do that,” I said seriously. “Not once have they said anything negative about our marriage.”

“Not even Bambi?” he asked with one raised brow.

“Not one of them, Bradley. I wouldn’t stand for it.”

He shook his head and looked at the stick again. “Damn, how long does this shit take?”

I glanced at it and then back at him. “If I am…you know…pregnant…what do you want to do about it?”

His forehead crinkled and his teeth clenched. “Why would you even ask me some shit like that?” His voice was heavy. “You my wife and anything we make together is perfect.” He paused. “That’s what the fuck I’m talking ‘bout! Who would put some shit like that in your head? That aborting our baby is even an option?”

I hunched over and rested my elbows on my thighs. Clasping my hands together, I looked up at my husband again. “Bradley, we are at war.” I reached out for his hand and he stuffed it into his pocket. I guess he didn’t want to touch me. Dropping my hand to my side, I asked, “You do understand that, right?”

“Yeah, but what that got to do with me and you having another child?”

“It has a lot to do with you. Kevin and Ramirez need your help with the operation. With the Russians hanging around, my sisters and me need your help too. Not only that, neither of us have time to be parents. It’s just not safe.”

“Camp is around. He got their backs.”

“Be real, Bradley! Camp is so caught up in trying to find Master that he’s not available to your brothers. And although I understand that, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we need a plan and we need all hands on deck.” I sighed. “Having a baby right now is not a good idea. Can’t you see that?”

Bradley exhaled and wiped his hands over his face. He looked up at the ceiling and then back at me. “If you are pregnant now it means it’s the right time.” He turned around and looked at the pee stick.

My stare remained on him and I knew the answer before he even told me because his cheeks rose and stiffened.

“You pregnant, bay.” He showed me the stick.

He waved it in the air like a faggy and I was so mad!

“God is giving us another chance to get it right,” he yelled.

I slapped the tissue, grabbed a few squares and wiped my pussy. Irritated, I slammed the tissue in the bowl and flushed the toilet. I didn’t even bother to wash my hands.

Now everything I’d been feeling made sense. The morning sickness, the body aches and even my anger. I was a mother all over again before I even got the chance to mourn the loss of my last child.

I flopped on the edge of the bed and I could feel him right behind me. I needed breathing room but he was always in my space. “I’m scared, Bradley.” I put my hand over my chest. “I feel it in my heart that this is the wrong time. I’ve been having dreams about murder in this family. Every night I watch a casket being dropped into the ground with a black sheet over it. Do you want to know what the word on the cloth says?”

He shrugged as if he couldn’t care less.

“It says Kennedy.” I paused. “Aren’t you worried?”

He sat next to me, turned my chin toward him and looked in my eyes. “First off, I’m not going nowhere and neither is anybody in this family. Look at where we live,” he chuckled. “The President of the United States of America ain’t as secure as we are in here. We have armed men surrounding the property and at every entrance of our home. We good and you need to feel safe.”

“That’s just it. I don’t!” I yelled.

He took a deep breath. “When you talk like this it makes me feel like you think I can’t protect you. It makes me feel like you don’t trust me.”

“That’s not it, Bradley.”

“I’m your husband, Denim! You ain’t single and you won’t be if you have our baby. I will never leave your side. Ever! Not even in death!” he screamed. “You gotta remember that, baby. Or else you gonna be in the same shoes as Scarlett, Bambi and Race.”

My body felt like it crumpled over. “What are you trying to say?” I whispered.

“You know what I’m saying,” he said standing up. “We the only couple in this house right now still in love. Don’t give that up because you want to abort my baby. If you do, I will never forgive you. And it’s important that you understand that shit.”

He stomped toward the door and I didn’t notice that my mother was standing there. Watching. He walked around her and frowned and she eased inside. She sat next to me and said, “So you’re pregnant?”

I shook my head preparing to say no but I cried out instead. In that moment, my mother did something she hadn’t in a long time. She gripped me closer and rubbed my shoulders. Just having the touch from my mother made me more vulnerable and weak. I rubbed my palm against my chest trying to relieve some of the pressure on my heart.

“Come here, baby,” she said pulling me. “Sit on my lap.”

I got up and sat on her legs. Although I felt like an idiot, she rocked me in her arms like she did when I was a child.

“It’s okay, baby,” she said softly. “No matter what happens, everything will work out.”

Something happened in that instant. At that moment, I wasn’t Denim the drug boss anymore, I was a child and she was my mother.

After crying my eyes out, I looked up at her and said, “Mama, I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I have this baby, I think something terrible will happen. I keep seeing death.”

“Then don’t have it.”

“But I don’t want to lose Bradley either. I can’t put him through another loss.”

“Why did you tell him that you might be?”

“I thought he was going to be out later than he was. The plan was to take the pregnancy test alone but he showed up.” I paused. “I really don’t want to have this baby. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Then don’t,” she responded. “It’s your body.”

“But he’s my husband.”

She wiped the tears off my face with her dry palm. “Honey, Bradley is trying to replace Jasmine,” she said in a soft voice. “Don’t let him do that to you or himself. If you feel now is not the time, then he has to respect that.”

“Mama, he isn’t trying to replace Jasmine,” I said as I stood up and then plopped on the bed in a ball on my side. “He just wants another baby, that’s all. He misses Jasmine as much as I do.”

“He is trying to replace her, Denim. You can’t have this baby.” She paused. “Don’t you remember what you went through being a mother to an autistic child? You were miserable and you didn’t have a life.”

I popped up and moved across the room, away from her. “I loved my fucking baby! And it never mattered to me that she was autistic!”

“I’m not saying you didn’t love her but I do know this, you were overwhelmed. Bradley wasn’t with Jasmine as much as you were. He left you to care for everything on your own and if you have this child now, it will be just like Jasmine. Autistic.” She paused. “So why do that to yourself? You haven’t even found out why you had an autistic child to begin with. How do you know you won’t have another?” She touched my leg. “Don’t let that man tell you when to have a baby, Denim. It will be a major mistake. For everyone.”