We cannot let those people who do not love us
determine who we are.
—Nikki Giovanni
In the backyard
under giant tree shade
leaves fall
welcome winter
leaves I raked for years
Today is not for raking
but raking me over coals
my identity interrogated
my journey on trial
forced assimilation
my white parents sit in patio furniture they can’t afford
demand reports of my first return to Korea
Then
my white mother
slams me to my past
Jealous I was so cute, pretty
Jealous of my skinny frame
Jealousy drips off her words
Venom throws daggers I dodge
shock me back to my childhood
past crumbles
maternal love conditional, rationed
my existence threatened her
child controlled parent
my power unaware
just wanted to make A Honor Roll
come home
sleep under safe roof
jealous of my talents you encouraged
ten year piano lessons
state competitions
inferior red second-place ribbons
coveted blue first-place ribbons
You made me into something
you could despise
resent.
Jealousy let me believe
I was the ugliest child
ever born
now you tell me
with seething envy
I was the most beautiful
in our family
but I never felt that way
I didn’t belong
Raked leaves bear witness to frozen emotions
eternally jealous of your imported child
disgraceful
You
should be ashamed
still jealous of me
I
will never
be jealous
of you.