We’ve spent time discussing the hobbit approach to life—an approach that is innocent, humble, and well mannered. As with anything in life, it may be helpful to consider an alternative point of view. For that, who better to turn to than a dragon, chief villain of The Hobbit and creature of myth and legend? If one could have a discussion with a worm, what might he say? What thoughts might the fearsome creature have about life, about hobbits, and about the human world? We thought it would be fun to find out in an interview.
Hello, kind Dragon. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us today.
Who are you and why are you here? Do you not know to whom you speak? Do you wish to perish in flame? What is the meaning of this intrusion?
Apologies, O Tremendous Dragon. We only want to witness your greatness, that we may see it for ourselves.
Well. It seems you know of me … [yawns] I suppose I will allow you audience. What is it you seek? This isn’t about my treasure, is it? Touch the treasure and you’re toast.
Toast?
Ah, well, it is the age of men, now, isn’t it? One must keep up with the common vernacular.
O Mighty Dragon, would you, in your magnificence, see fit to entertain a few questions?
I suppose, but first answer mine or suffer my fearsome wrath. Who are you and from whence did you come?
We are but the Pen-wielders, the Page-fillers, the Word-benders who’ve come to chronicle your exaltedness. We come from the Shire … by way of Cincinnati.
Fancy titles! But words will only take you so far. Watch your tongue or you’ll be bathed in fire.
Um … let’s talk about you.
Oh, very well. I’ve counted my treasure more times than I can remember, so why not? Get on with it, O illustrious Word-bender.
O Resplendent Dragon…
Careful Pen-wielder. Do you want to burn?
No, not today, thank you all the same.
Well … get on with it.
Ah … yes … well, what is your chief pleasure in life, O Devine Dragon?
That’s your question? Really, Page-filler? Do you not see this mound of treasure I perch upon? This cradle of gold and jewels? This chaise of riches? This divan of wealth? This is the kind of treasure they write about in Forbes. Need you ask what it is that brings me pleasure?
Well, yes. But what do you do with it?
What do you mean, “What do I do with it?” I own it. What kind of silly question is that? “What do I do with it?” Really. What’s your next question, fool?
How do you come by so much wealth, O Wise and Fearsome Dragon?
Oh, now that’s a much better question. I pillage, of course—and that is the real fun, you see. I soar high above your pathetic little towns, my awesome wings darkening your skies. (See how big and magnificent they are?) [spreads awesome wings] And when I see something that sparkles, I swoop down raining fire and destruction upon everything in my path until I clutch the trinket in my sharp, sharp talon. (See how sharp it is? Would you like to test it, Word-bender?).
So the treasure’s not really yours?
Of course it’s mine! Who else would it belong to? Anyone who might lay claim to it is but a cinder. Either that, or their bones filled my belly for a time.
I … um … believe I see a few artifacts that may have once belonged to dwarves.
Speak to me not of dwarves. Have you ever tasted a dwarf? Tough, gristly, gamey creatures. Believe you me, after a meal of dwarves, one deserves a pile of treasure.
What about hobbits?
Hobbits? What’s that?
You know, a hobbit … a halfling. They make great burglars.
A hobbit. You know, I think I met one once. Filthy bugger crept into my lair and stole a golden cup from me. He was, however, very polite about it. He paid me all sorts of compliments and seemed truly impressed by my fine scales. Come to think of it, he sounded a bit like you.
O Dazzling and Radiant Dragon, what can you tell us about today’s world?
Today’s world? You want a dragon’s opinion about the age of men? An age when wealth is transferred over the computer and no one keeps vaults filled with actual gold and jewels to lie about in? An age where buildings are all made of metal and concrete and flame retardant materials?
Truly, your Impressiveness.
Well, first of all, there’s not much to eat. Men used to be quite tasty—a much more satisfying morsel than, say, a dwarf. But, alas, today men taste of chemicals. I imagine it’s all the Coke Zeros and Dorito tacos. They can’t be good for you. Can you imagine a dragon with an ulcer? Talk about heartburn. It’s an absolute travesty.
But I guess there are some things I like about today’s world. The phones keep getting shinier and shinier—I wouldn’t mind having a pile of those to lie in. I like Words With Friends. Oh, and stretch Hummers crack me up. Global warming keeps things nice and balmy. And if the oil companies keep up the good work, pretty soon I’ll be able to set all of the oceans on fire.
O Really Cool Dragon—
Now, what are you carrying on about?
I’m trying to employ the common vernacular, just like you said….
And that’s the best you can do? Really Word-bender, you’re beginning to test my patience. My teeth are like javelins, my claws like daggers, and my breath a raging inferno.
O Dragon the Totally Rad?
Shall I smite you? I’m starting to think you want me to.
What are your thoughts on friendship and love?
I eat ponies for breakfast.
Is there any good in the world, O Brilliant Dragon?
Is this some kind of hobbit thing? Because, seriously. Dwarves are greedy creatures, grubbing for gold and treasure at every turn. Elves are a bunch of weirdos off somewhere dancing in the forest half the time. And men? Don’t get me started. Men are easily corrupted, killing one another over the smallest of quibbles. And here you are asking me about goodness and love. Did you miss the part where I’M A DRAGON? Thunderous wings, tail like a tree trunk, monstrous talons?
O Resplendent Drag…
Frrrrroooooom. [A curtain of flame sadly concludes our interview.]