Self-Defense:
The Art of Running and Hiding

They possessed from the first the art of disappearing swiftly and silently, when large folk whom they do not wish to meet come blundering by; and this art they have developed until to Men it may seem magical.

—From JRR Tolkien’s
The Fellowship of the Ring

A Hobbit’s Guide to Self-Defense

Hobbits are small creatures. They are not very aggressive. They are kindhearted, friendly, and sensitive. All of the wonderful things that make a hobbit a hobbit also put them in danger from other species of Middle-earth, who aren’t as, well, nice. In The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, hobbits face a whole host of nasty creatures: trolls, goblins, wolves, spiders, dragons, orcs, Gollum, Ringwraiths, the dark wizard Saruman, and the dark lord Sauron, among others.

Hobbits have quite a few traits that are advantages as well, though you wouldn’t necessarily think so by looking at them. Hobbits have thick pads on the soles of their feet (and no need for shoes), allowing them to tread quickly, lightly, and silently. Their bodies are small and quite fast, able to duck into tight places in order to evade predators. Hobbits are very comfortable in underground places—after all, they live in holes—so caverns and tunnels are no problem for hobbits and make great places for them to hide.

In addition to being able to quickly run and hide, hobbits are also quite cunning and quick-witted. When in danger they are usually able to come up with some pretty creative ways to find safety.

When forced to fight, hobbits can be as fierce as any small creature, particularly when defending a friend. However, they tend to use violence only as a last resort, opting to avoid danger whenever possible, which isn’t a bad principle to live by … not at all.

Running

Despite having short legs, hobbits can run rather quickly and will usually choose to do so rather than resort to violence. When trapped in the goblin tunnels with Gollum, Bilbo could have easily killed the creature with his sword but instead used his quick little legs to run at Gollum and jump over him. Of course, having gained invisibility from the Ring of Power helped a little bit, as well.

Running is often one of the best ways to keep oneself safe. While some people say that running away is a cowardly act, that is not necessarily the case. Standing and fighting just to fight isn’t smart—especially if you are at a size disadvantage or facing an armed enemy. Plus, even if you win a fight you could be wounded, so there is often a price to pay. It’s best to run away, period.

Running Techniques

When determining your running techniques, it’s important to consider your body size, the length of your legs, the terrain, and the distance to safety. Hobbits are small but capable of running quickly over short distances, and they are also good at zigging and zagging. It’s important to realize your own physical attributes and take them into account for your strategy of running and evading. If you are taller and have longer legs, you may want to run with longer strides (like an elf would), focusing on outpacing your enemy. If you are shorter, you’d do well to employ a hobbit’s strategy of dodging and darting from side to side as you run.

A Hobbit’s Advantage

As mentioned previously, hobbits have thick pads on the bottoms of their feet which allow them to run barefoot. While resistant to heat, cold, and injury, their feet still feel the terrain as they run. The connection to their terrain gives them greater mobility and the ability to run very quietly.

Luckily, with today’s advances in technology, you can mimic the experience of running like a hobbit. Runners today can purchase a “barefoot”-style running shoe with toes. These shoes allow your toes to function as they should while you run. In other words, your feet work inside the shoe as they would naturally. And that’s about as close to running like a hobbit as you can get!

When Not to Run

Running can save your life. There are times, however, when running is inappropriate. For instance, you should never run from something worth defending. A hobbit never abandons his friends and neither should you. Bilbo somehow found the courage to launch an attack against the spiders who were planning to eat his friends. Frodo threw himself into battle in the Mines of Moria when his friends were being attacked. Hobbits fight when they need to.

You may also find yourself trapped, and running may not be an option. If so, you will obviously want to employ another tactic, perhaps one of those that follow.

Hiding

Hiding is another act that some think cowardly but may actually save your life. Small creatures, such as hobbits, frequently hide out of necessity since many enemies are larger and more powerful than they are. A fight would hardly be fair. Hiding may allow you to conserve energy for later in battle, and if you’re lucky you may avoid the conflict altogether.

Holes and Other Tight Places

Holes are a hobbit’s best friend when danger arises. Holes may be dark and a bit frightening, but when your option is facing a powerful enemy it may be wise to consider overcoming your claustrophobic tendencies, squeeze into a tight place, and hide.

Hobbits feel right at home in tight places. Tunnels, caves, caverns, nooks, and crannies are not unlike their hobbit holes, so sneaking around in the dark in small spaces is not unfamiliar to them. Because of this they are able to keep their calm and their sense of direction even when finding their way through dark goblin tunnels. One can use small, dark spaces to their advantage as long as one keeps their wits about them. Creeping through tunnels quietly is a great way to avoid confrontations and, if necessary, may allow one to sneak up on an enemy.

Taking Cover

It’s important to know when to take cover. When Bilbo and the dwarves found themselves under attack from the dragon Smaug, they hid inside a tunnel that led deep into the dragon’s lair. The dwarves were hesitant to close the door, which they feared would lock them inside, but at the very last moment Bilbo convinced them to do so, thus saving them from Smaug’s dreadful fire. You may not like where you have to hide, and your choices of cover may be limited, but it is part of having an adventure. Keep your head down, and do so quickly.

Safe Havens

Whenever you find yourself swept up in a nasty adventure or quest, it’s good to know places where you may stay with friends or keep a low profile. Busy taverns or inns make great places for lying low (plus, when caught up in a bit of adventure, one could likely do with a nice hot meal or a pint of something strong to take the edge off).

Tolkien’s adventurers often sought sanctuary with friends. For example, in Rivendale they stayed with the elf king Elrond, who provided lodgings, food, advice, and aid. Know your safe havens and use them.

Camouflage

Never underestimate the usefulness of camouflage. In the film The Return of the King, when Frodo and Sam were sneaking into Mordor, they used an elvish cloak to hide amongst the rocks. Hobbits are also good at “disappearing” when in the forest. Study your surroundings and learn how to blend in. Employ the use of specialized clothing or use materials around you (such as leaves or mud) to disguise yourself. Sometimes hiding in plain sight is the best way to hide.

Stealth

Hobbits can be quite stealthy when they want to (even without the aid of an invisibility ring). Being a small creature gives you plenty of practice sneaking about, and hobbits have all sorts of clever ideas on how to remain unseen. For example, when Bilbo’s dwarf friends were captured by the Wood-elves, Bilbo devised an elaborate escape plan in which the dwarves hid themselves in empty wine barrels that shipped downriver to Lake-town in the south for reuse, as per the elves regular procedure. Not only were they able to escape but they also came to a good place for the next phase of their journey to the dragon’s lair. You never know when you may find yourself in a situation where you need to travel unseen. Study the lay of the land, the local routines and procedures, and an idea such as Bilbo’s barrel-riding plan may present itself.

Avoiding

Say what you will, but avoiding something is often the very best way to stay out of harm’s way. Hobbits are brilliant avoiders. They can come up with innumerable excuses for staying out of adventure—and you can rest assured that each and every one of their excuses will sound quite sensible if you take the time to consider it.

Staying Home

The best way to hide is to stay home. Period. Many times during his adventures, Bilbo wished he was back in his snug little hobbit hole sitting by the hearth. He dreamt of bacon and eggs and bread and butter and piping hot tea. Your home is likely the best place to avoid trouble. Sometimes, however, trouble comes to you—as it did with Frodo. The Nazgul—also known as Ringwraiths or dark riders—were drawn to the Ring, which came into Frodo’s possession. The Shire would have been in danger had Frodo not undertaken his quest to carry the Ring away from his village. So, as good as it may sound, staying home isn’t always an option.

Strength in Numbers

A particularly effective way to avoid danger is the old adage of finding strength in numbers. Aside from simply loving to have company, hobbits always keep companions near in times of trouble. Both The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings illustrate the importance of strength in numbers. At the start of The Hobbit, Bilbo is conscripted into an adventure because the dwarves are seeking another member. They need to add to their troupe so they’ll have a lucky number. In The Lord of the Rings, when Frodo is charged with the task of carrying the Ring of Power, all of his friends understand the task is his and his alone. Only Frodo can carry the Ring, but his friends won’t let him undertake the journey alone. They form the Fellowship of the Ring to accompany him on his quest. One of the great messages in all of Tolkien’s work is that of friendship and loyalty. A fellowship, such as the Fellowship of the Ring, is the very definition of strength in numbers.

Wit and Cunning

Hobbits can be quick thinkers and are also bookworms, so their heads are full of all kinds of forgotten facts and stories. When Bilbo was trapped in the dark with Gollum, he used a game of riddles to distract the creature so he could escape. Later, when he was confronted by the dragon Smaug, he employed more riddles and good manners to stall for time. You’d be surprised what a hobbit might think of in a pinch. Their quick wits have been known to help them out of many a dangerous situation.

Disguise

Wearing a disguise is a great way to avoid capture or harm. When Frodo and Sam sneak through the Black Gate of Mordor, they wear orcish armor. This tactic can prove quite effective. If you are able to acquire enemy clothing or armor, it’s the next best thing to having a Ring of Power. You’ll be invisible (and without the annoying side effect of turning evil).

Protective Clothing

A shirt made of mithril, a priceless, lightweight metal mined by dwarves, saved Frodo’s life on several occasions. The shirt, part of the treasure retrieved from Smaug’s horde, was given to Frodo by Bilbo, who wore it during the Battle of the Five Armies.

If you know you are going to be in a dangerous situation, then wearing some sort of armor is a good precaution to take. Whether tall boots for warding off snakes in a swamp or a Kevlar vest on the wrong side of town, the right protective clothing can mean the difference between life and death.

Finding the Enemy’s Weakness

The second time Bilbo sneaked into Smaug’s lair he found himself noticed by the awakened dragon despite having worn his invisibility ring. Bilbo was forced to stall for time and speak to the worm (which is what they sometimes called dragons) in riddles. Though in danger of being pulled under Smaug’s powerful influence, Bilbo managed to keep his wits about him and tricked the dragon into revealing a weak spot in his underbelly.

Every enemy has some weakness. The trick is to carefully research your enemy or perform reconnaissance in order to find out what the weakness is. You may be taking a risk, but you may also uncover information that will help you win the battle in the long run.

Words as Self-Defense

Often the best way out of a jam is simply to talk your way out of it. Bilbo used this tactic on several occasions. When the trolls debate whether to put him in a stew pot, Bilbo reasons with them, telling them that he would be much more useful as a cook than a meal. His doing so stalls things long enough for Gandalf to rescue him. When trapped with Gollum in the goblin tunnels, Bilbo used a game of riddles to bargain with the creature. Gollum agreed to show Bilbo the way out if Bilbo won the game. When confronted by Smaug, Bilbo relied on conversation as well. Simply talking with an opponent can often delay or diffuse a tense situation, or you may be able to discover valuable information that you may use later.

Fighting Back

While it’s best to avoid violence, sometimes no matter what you do, you are headed for an unavoidable conflict and you’ll be forced to fight back. In those instances, it’s important to know some strategy and technique for surviving a battle.

Battle Cries

While hobbits may not think of themselves as having a battle cry, they are capable of very loud and startling sounds when under duress. When Bilbo was surprised by lightning generated by Gandalf’s magic staff, he emitted a shrill noise that froze all thirteen dwarves in their tracks. Employing such a tactic in a self-defense situation may prove quite effective in distracting one’s enemy and providing a window of opportunity. A battle cry may seem a little dramatic and silly to one who has never had the occasion to use it. However, the battle cry can serve many purposes in a fight or self-defense situation. A battle cry can also startle an opponent, giving one an opportunity to escape or launch a counterattack. Moreover, in martial arts the battle cry is often used in coordination with a technique in order to focus power, much in the same way one groans when lifting a heavy object.

On the Battlefield

Assuming one finds oneself on a field of battle, it likely means one has been swept up in some sort of nasty adventure, and there is a lot to consider. First, it’s important to focus on the moment at hand. Concerns for your own safety and that of others must be set aside temporarily. Survival counts on your ability to react quickly, and you must focus solely on what is happening around you so you can rely on all your talents. Hobbits are quick on their feet and are good at hiding, ducking, evading, and wiggling into and out of tight spots. These are all good tactics to employ—an evasive strategy can serve you well. However, one must also consider the reason one is in battle in the first place. If your goal is to protect your friends, you must find your courage and pick opportune moments to stand your ground and engage your enemy. Bilbo, for example, never would have imagined himself in battle. Yet, when his friends were tangled in webs and in danger of being eaten by giant spiders, he devised a clever plan of attack that involved throwing stones and taunting the spiders to draw them away long enough for him to free his friends.

Unarmed Tactics

Due to their small size, hobbits have to get creative when it comes to self-defense. When attacked by large enemies, they are forced to take advantage of whatever vulnerable areas are within reach. This includes knees, toes, ankles, shins, and the groin. Humans might consider the striking of some of these areas to be “fighting dirty,” however, when one is in a self-defense situation it is important to make use of any target of opportunity. A swift kick to the shin or a sharp punch to the groin may save your life. If, unlike hobbits, you have the advantage of height, other good targets include the eyes and the throat.

Kicking

Kicks are great self-defense techniques for hobbits, as hobbits possess incredibly tough feet. But even if you don’t have hobbit feet, a well-placed kick can save your life. There are various kicks you can employ that will work against an attacker of any size.

Hand Techniques

Punches and other strikes with the hand aren’t quite as effective for hobbits, given their small size. But, no matter your size, it’s good to know a few techniques in case a target of opportunity presents itself.

The Element of Surprise

Using the element of surprise in battle can be very effective. Catching an enemy off guard can provide a few extra seconds, which may be just the amount of time you need in order to escape (or launch an attack). The element of surprise worked in Bilbo’s favor when he was fleeing the goblin’s cave. Suddenly he found himself face-to-face with a group of goblins, but he quickly slipped the ring of invisibility onto his finger, rushed passed them, and squeezed through a small crack in the door and into the sunlight. The goblins saw his shadow, but they were so startled they didn’t have much chance to give chase. Bilbo got away with a loss of only a few buttons from his jacket.

Weapons

Hobbits don’t typically use weapons; when they do, they normally use a gardening implement or a broom (which can be quite effective for smacking an enemy over the head or at the knees). When occasions demand it, however, hobbits have been known to take up arms. Both Bilbo and Frodo carried an elvish blade they called Sting. While actually a dagger, Sting was the perfect size for a hobbit to use as a sword. This is a great example to keep in mind when choosing a weapon; you want to arm yourself with a weapon appropriate to your size. You want something you can wield effectively. If you’re small in build, for example, don’t run out and buy a .44 magnum for home defense. (Actually, no one should have a .44 magnum for home defense, no matter their size.)

Swords

Swords in the works of Tolkien are more than just weapons. They often have a significance beyond just being a blade. Bilbo’s sword Sting (later passed to Frodo), along with other elvish swords, would glow blue in the presence of goblins or orcs. Many of the swords of Middle-earth had names such as Orcrist (the Goblin-cleaver) and Glamdring (the Foe-hammer).

Swords aren’t often used today. When they are, they likely have a more symbolic meaning similar to the meaning these special blades had in Tolkien’s works. For example, consider the significance of the calvary swords awarded to United States Marines. These blades are more a symbol of honor than a weapon meant to be used practically in battle.

Axes

The battle-axe is a weapon often used by dwarves in Tolkien’s works. This heavy weapon isn’t much use to a small hobbit, but for someone large enough to wield one, a battle-axe can make quite an impression on your enemy—oh wait, make that two half-enemies.

Makeshift Weapons

Almost anything can be used as a weapon in a time of need. A simple stick, for example, can be used as a staff—and while it likely won’t be capable of magic like Gandalf’s staff, it will still be quite good for knocking an enemy on the head.

Long Distance Weapons

Keeping your distance from your enemy is always a good idea when possible. Bilbo threw rocks at the spiders that had captured his friends. Rocks can be great weapons for striking an opponent from a distance or for causing a diversion that can let you employ a secondary attack or escape.

Elves are fond of using bows and arrows. This is an excellent long-distance weapon—just consider the sheer number of orcs laid to waste by Legolas in The Lord of the Rings.

Other long-distance weapons include spears, which can be thrown (not often very accurately), crossbows (not as easy to reload as a bow and arrow but more powerful), and catapults (which are rarely something one would have in a self-defense scenario and effective only when you are stationary—good for an initial barrage, but after that, you will need to find something else).

Mercy

Of course, with all of this talk about tactics, let’s return to the fact that hobbits abhore violence. Whenever there is an alternative to combat, they will almost always choose a nonviolent course of action. In the heat of battle one should try to remember one’s morals and exercise good judgment and mercy. Remember to only use violence when necessary or called for, especially when you have the upper hand. For example, when Bilbo was trapped in the goblin cave with the creature Gollum, he was armed with his sword and wearing the Ring of Power, which made him invisible. It would have been easy for Bilbo to kill Gollum then and there. But instead, Bilbo pitied the creature and simply sneaked past him to escape. Ask yourself: What would you have done?

A Hobbit’s Guide to Monsters

With all this talk of self-defense—running, hiding, fighting back, and the like—you may be asking yourself, “Yes, this is all well and good, but should I know more specifically about these trolls, orcs, wolves, and other assorted beasties? And should special considerations be taken in the event of encountering certain nasty creatures?”

In a word, yes. Here are some descriptions of the various monstrosities you may run into in Middle-earth, and advice on what to do when dealing with them.

Spiders (and Assorted Bugs)

Almost every creature is scarier if it’s larger. If we hear a scratching at the door, open it, and find a ten-foot-tall cockroach, we scream. The next time we open the door (assuming we’re still around to do so) and find a hundred-foot-tall cockroach, we scream even louder. Scale has a lot to do with the power to frighten, especially when what we’re meeting is something that in ordinary life isn’t much bigger than a quarter (or possibly a half-dollar).

Bilbo and Frodo run into various spiders as they adventure their way through Middle-earth, ranging from the large to the small.

Small Bugs and Spiders

When, under the prodding of the dwarves in the middle of Mirkwood, Bilbo climbs a tree to see if he can find out how much farther the party has to go, he worries all the way up about what he’ll do if he encounters large spiders. Fortunately, the ones he meets prove to be only the ordinary size, and he ignores them. He also meets large black velvet butterflies, which only flap about his head. He safely discounts them. Even at night, when the dwarves’ campfire brings moths “as big as your hand,” Bilbo is more irritated than frightened. The rule of thumb, then, is that as long as insects are the normal size, you can squish them without problem.

Sleeping in the open, you’ll probably encounter this issue more often than you’d like. Bugs like the warmth the human body provides, and they’re quite likely to cluster around you in your sleep, seeking out especially your hair (including whatever hair you have on your feet) and crevices in your clothing. Rise several times during the night and shake yourself thoroughly to rid yourself of the pests. If you come to a place of shelter such as Rivendell or an inn, a hot bath and thorough soaping is recommended, including carefully washing your hair and rinsing it to delouse yourself.

Keep in mind that spiders of the small variety are generally useful, at least in gardens. They eat garden pests and keep plants free from disease. Giant spiders don’t work on the same principle, but there’s no reason to take out your frustration about large spiders on their normal-sized relatives.

Larger Spiders

The giant spiders of Mirkwood are thoroughly nasty and apt to eat anything that falls into their webs. They take their time about it, preferring to let their meat hang a bit (head downward, if possible) in order to properly age it. To avoid them, take the following steps:

Bilbo, however, soon slipped away to a different place. The idea came to him to lead the furious spiders further and further away from the dwarves, if he could; to make them curious, excited and angry all at once. When about fifty had gone off to the place where he had stood before, he threw some more stones at these, and at others that had stopped behind; then dancing among the trees he began to sing a song to infuriate them and bring them all after him, and also to let the dwarves hear his voice.

This is what he sang:

Old fat spider spinning in a tree!

Old fat spider can’t see me!

Attercop! Attercop!

Won’t you stop,

Stop your spinning and look for me?

Old Tomnoddy, all big body,

Old Tomnoddy, can’t spy me!

Attercop! Attercop!

Down you drop!

You’ll never catch me up your tree! (The Hobbit, chapter 8)

Giant Spiders

To be honest, there’s really only one completely giant spider in Middle-earth, and that’s Shelob, who inhabits the pass near Cirith Ungol in the Mountains of Shadow on the borders of Mordor. There are stories of others, starting with the great spider Ungoliant, but you’re not likely to encounter them. You’re not all that likely to encounter Shelob either, if you stay away from Mordor, which would be a good idea. If, however, you run into her, remember the following:

Wolves

Wolves are nasty because they can run faster than you, are probably stronger than you, and hunt in packs, therefore outnumbering you. You have the advantage of reason and intelligence, but that’s a small comfort when you’re stuck on a lonely hillside in the middle of the night, listening to the howls of hungry wolves.

Ordinary Wolves

Normal, everyday wolves aren’t so bad. Even though they’re often hungry, they tend not to attack people, and if they do, they can be easily intimidated by fire, arrows, and a few beheadings via dwarvish axes. In fact, it’s possible to capture wolf cubs and train them to be useful. Nonetheless, meeting a pack of wolves in the Wild, the sensible adventurer should seek the high ground and find something to throw to the wolves to satisfy their hunger: spare food, the superfluous hobbit….

Fire Is Your Friend

Wolves don’t like fire; its sparks burn them and can even set them ablaze. Also, they don’t like light. If you find yourself on a hill top with old trees, try setting them on fire. For spectacular effects, set them on fire with a big blast of magic. If the wolves are ordinary wolves—and you certainly hope they are—they’ll run away with their tails between their legs.

Wargs

Wargs are wolves that owe a special allegiance to Mordor and its Dark Lord. They often ally with goblins or orcs, and they’ve been known to hunt with their allies. Although they’re generally found on the west side of the Anduin, in times of crisis they cross the river.

Wargs are large (usually the size of small horses), heavy, and have long teeth, used to rip and tear their victims’ flesh. Their fur is coarse and resistant to sword blows and axe strokes. They can be killed with arrows from a distance, but their speed makes them difficult targets. The orcs who ride them can make them a double threat.

The best course, when you see a group of orc-ridden wargs racing down the hillside toward you, is to make a stand. If you have mounted people in your party, you may decide to stage a charge to break the wargs’ momentum. In hand-to-hand combat, aim for the throats and legs, which are the most vulnerable parts. Try to avoid having a warg fall on top of you—they’re heavy, especially in death.

Wargs don’t like fire (see above), and if you have a wizard in the party (always an excellent idea), he may be able to kindle some magic flames to set them ablaze. Pine cones make good missiles in this sort of defense.

Wargs have a language of sorts, and they can speak Goblin—at least enough to communicate on a rudimentary level. Learning a bit of Warg and Goblin might come in handy; it will give you the advantage of anticipating your enemies’ attacks and plans.

Goblins and Orcs

Goblins, hobgoblins, and orcs are all more or less the same types of creature. They were created from elves by the Enemy in the early days of Middle-earth. Today they’re built on an assembly-line principle, hatched out of some mysterious magical process, with other orcs present to attach the fins and fog lights at the last minute. During the War of the Ring, the fallen wizard Saruman came up with a method of building orcs who could withstand the rays of the sun, even at noon (though they still didn’t like the Evil Orb of Day very much). Apart from these sun-resistant models, orcs and goblins generally don’t like daylight; it makes them weak and dizzy and gives them headaches.

Goblins

Goblins inhabit mountains, where they live in caves. They emerge to raid passing parties of travelers. They’re armed mostly with swords (usually with crooked blades) and spears. They eat ponies, as well as the passing dwarf, minced, sautéed, and in a sauce. (They’re unacquainted with cooking hobbit, but only because of a lack of opportunity; they’d love to try it.)

Goblins are generally stupid and highly dependent on authority. When Gandalf manages to kill the Great Goblin, the rest of the entourage goes to pieces, allowing the dwarves, hobbit, and wizard to escape into the tunnels beneath the Misty Mountains. However, goblins have a highly developed sense of direction, especially in their own dwellings, and they can move silently—more silently, at any rate, than dwarves.

If you’re attacked by goblins, your best bet is to kill whoever is in authority and get away in the ensuing confusion. If you sense you’re being followed, you probably are, in which case you may as well stand and fight. Goblins are the red shirts of the adventuring world: They’re easily disposed of, but it doesn’t matter how many you kill; there are always more of them.

Bolg the Goblin

Bolg was the leader of the goblin armies during the Battle of Five Armies. He and his family had a long history of conflict with the dwarves. Bolg’s father, Azog, conquered Moria and killed Thror, Thorin Oakenshield’s grandfather. To take revenge, Thráin, Thror’s son, attacked Moria in alliance with other dwarf tribes. One of the leaders of these tribes, Náin of the Iron Hills, challenged Azog to single combat before the gates of Moria. Azog and he fought, until finally Azog kicked Náin’s legs from under him and with a single great stroke broke the dwarf’s neck. In anger, Náin’s son, Dáin, leaped up the steps and caught Azog. Right before the gates of Moria, he hewed off the goblin’s head, thus avenging his father. To avenge this death (goblins, like dwarves, are big on vengeance), Bolg launched the attack on the Lonely Mountain that led to the Battle of Five Armies. But the plan backfired when Beorn appeared during the battle and fought his way through the bodyguard of Bolg, pulled down the goblin, and crushed him to death.

Hobgoblins

Hobgoblins are like goblins, only they come in the large economy size. They’re found especially in the north in the Grey Mountains, but you can encounter them in other mountain ranges as well. Most of them were killed or scattered in the Battle of Five Armies, but since then they’ve had a chance to re-create themselves. (Incidentally, part of the proof that goblins and their ilk are created rather than bred is that we never hear about female goblins or orcs, or little orcklings, for that matter.)

The same general principles for fighting goblins apply to their larger cousins, hobgoblins. Disrupt the chain of command and you have a good chance of victory. Hobgoblins are harder to kill because of their size; the bodyguard of Bolg was made up of such creatures (see above). To defeat hobgoblins, it helps to have allies of similar stature—for instance a giant were-bear.

Orcs

Orcs are the shock troops of the Dark Tower, and Mordor is filled with them. Sauron doesn’t care about them; they’re completely expendable, and there’s no sign that he’s especially upset or discouraged by their deaths at the Battle of Helms Deep or the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. Because they’re corrupt, they’re entirely bad; there’s no such thing as a redeemable orc or an orc with a conscience.

Orcs come in several varieties:

Uruk-hai

These are the orcs made by Saruman, possibly by blending humans and orcs. They’re bigger and stronger than most other orcs and, most important, they can function even in full sunlight (though they prefer the dark). They’re also extremely good at endurance races; if the orcs held a marathon, these guys would win it hands down. As far as food and drink go, they eat dried meat and drink water—but they’re not especially particular about where the meat comes from. Humans, dwarves, elves, and hobbits are all possible sources of food.

Orcs in Battle

Orcs have no real sense of tactics or strategy; their preferred method of fighting is the straight-on attack, relying on superiority of numbers. Their weak wills allow them to be easily controlled by the Dark Lord and his minions.

When they’re wounded, they either lie patiently, waiting for someone to kill them, or, if the wound isn’t serious, they can cure it. This they do with a foul-smelling unguent, smeared directly on the wound. It hurts a good deal, but it heals quickly, albeit with scars. Scars, however, don’t matter to orcs; they rather covet them.

Evading Orcs

Orcs have a keen sense of smell, but their hearing isn’t all that good, so your best method of hiding from them is to find a stream of water, walk down it for a ways to throw them off the scent, then climb a tree and stay very, very quiet.

Fighting Orcs

In battle, orcs are all about wild slashing, relying on numbers rather than skill at arms. Peppering them with arrows from a distance is safest, but a reasonably good swordsman can take down an orc. Even hobbits don’t have a lot of trouble with this kind of combat, since most orcs (except for Uruk-hai) tend toward the short side.

Trolls

Several different kinds of trolls wander about the Wild (or under it), and the wary adventurer should know what to do with each in case of confrontation. The main difficulty with trolls lies in their strength and size, both of which are immense. Fortunately, all of that bone and muscle leaves astonishingly little room for brains, which is where you may emerge victorious from a conflict with one or more trolls.

Stone Trolls

Stone trolls are generally found in the mountains, but unlike their cousins, the cave trolls (see next page), stone trolls live outside rather than underground. However, because the sun will turn them to stone, they require a cave or hole to which they can retreat during the day, emerging only after sundown.

Stone trolls are generally about twelve to fifteen feet tall and strong in proportion. They eat whatever’s available, including humans, animals, dwarves, and elves (and orc, when they can get it, although discerning trolls argue that orc meat is too tough for a satisfying dinner). They arm themselves with clubs, but other equipment can include knives, forks, iron pots (for boiling food), and whatever they can plunder from their victims.

Stone trolls steal gold and silver, though it’s doubtful that they get much good from it, since they don’t engage in trade or barter with anyone or anything.

Encountering a Stone Troll

Stone trolls may be strong but they’re remarkably stupid, even for trolls. You can keep them occupied with clever word play, imitations, or conversation that goes just above their level of understanding—which is to say, barely on the edge of sentience. Keep this up long enough and the sun will peep over the horizon, turning them to stone.

Alternatively, sneak up behind them and stab them with a knife or sword; something with a strong blade is advised, since troll skin is notoriously thick.

Troll Purses

Troll purses, as Bilbo learns to his cost, are mischievous and talkative. The best thing to do is stay well away from them. Resist any temptation to pick trolls’ pockets, easy as such a task may seem. It’s likely to cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Cave Trolls

Cave trolls are less talkative and less mobile than stone trolls, living as they do in caves and mines. They often serve as the muscle for bands of goblins or orcs and are usually the first sent into situations that the latter consider dangerous; a troll, after all, can take a great deal of damage before falling.

The skin of cave trolls is even stronger than that of stone trolls, since they have to walk or crawl through the rough-hewn tunnels made by goblins. They can see a long way in the dark, characteristic of any creature of the underground realms, and they’re peculiarly adept at squeezing into surprisingly small spaces in search of food. They eat anything that comes to hand, including grubs, bats, rats, adventurers, and goblins when they can get away with it.

Encountering a Cave Troll

Cave trolls are best attacked by a strong party of intrepid adventurers, heavily armed with swords, knives, axes, and a smattering of magic. The best course may be for the party’s wizard to collapse the roof of a tunnel on the troll, being careful not to bring down the rest of the cave on the heads of his own party. Failing that, stab the troll in whatever vulnerable parts are exposed to view. When shooting arrows, aim for the eyes or neck. Cave trolls are afraid of fire and are blinded by its light, so if the party has torches, it will prove a valuable advantage.

Stone Giants

Stone giants are distant cousins of trolls—larger, even stupider, and somewhat rarer. They live in the upper reaches of mountain ranges and usually come out only during storms, when they like to hurl boulders at one another for amusement. They don’t particularly hate travelers, but they’re inclined to regard travelers as objects for target practice more than anything else. For this reason, they’re best avoided. It’s possible to come across a giant with more communication skills than usual. Such individuals can become useful allies.

Stone giants stand twenty or thirty feet tall—they have been recorded as high as forty feet—and broad in proportion. They live in shallow caves on the mountainside, and their skin so strongly resembles rock that parties of dwarves have been known to start excavating on them before realizing their mistake.

Balrogs

Balrogs are about the biggest, nastiest, most evil creatures to be found in Middle-earth, even worse than dragons. The reason for this is that they’re fallen or corrupted maiar—the angelic spirits first created by the Valar. (Gandalf is a maiar, for example). Although much more numerous in the past (in old chronicles, there are references to armies of balrogs fighting on behalf of Morgoth), there are still a few of these terrible creatures, mostly found in isolated places in the world. They’ve largely gone to ground, but every now and then some idiotic adventurer stirs one up, usually with bad results for everyone, starting with the adventurer.

Balrogs are between twelve and twenty feet tall, dark, and winged, although it’s not clear that the wings are much use to them, particularly since most of them live underground. No one has ever seen a flying balrog. They have manes of long hair and tend to catch fire easily, though since balrogs are a type of flame elemental, the fire doesn’t harm them and is used by them as an offensive weapon. If, by some chance, their fire is extinguished, they become slimy, though they still retain their immense strength. Their weapons include swords and multi-stranded whips, also flaming.

Staying Away From Balrogs

Most balrogs have been destroyed or banished to the dark places of the world. If you want to avoid them, therefore, the best thing is to stay out of those dark places. The further down in a cavern complex you explore, the greater the chance of meeting one of these dreadful spirits. Some warning signs that you’re getting close to balrog territory:

Getting Away From Balrogs

If you have the bad luck to encounter a balrog, your best hope is to run. And run fast. In one-on-one combat you can’t hope to defeat it; even a skilled wizard has only a fifty-fifty chance of victory. Different races may use different tactics in such circumstances:

Dragons

Dragons were more numerous once than they are today, but even so it’s not unheard of to run into one now and again. They’re attracted by large hoards of treasure, as well as a sizeable food supply of villagers or countryfolk. Some dragons became legendary, while others faded into obscurity and may still be hidden in caves on some distant mountainside, waiting for the right moment to emerge.

Dragons are highly intelligent creatures with remarkable powers of conversation. They have the ability to charm their interlocutor into revealing himself or at least revealing more information than he intended about himself and his companions. Smaug is typical of the breed—he speaks Common far more capably than any of the other creatures Bilbo meets on his travels, and he has something of a sense of humor.

On the other hand, dragons’ intelligence can be a weakness. They can’t resist riddling talk; they are fascinated by it and are willing to spend hours guessing at a riddle’s meaning. They can overthink situations, and sometimes their intelligence makes them overconfident. A clever move on your part can send them off on the wrong scent entirely. Still, unless you’re a wizard or have a good deal of experience dealing with dragons (and that’s true of very few people), your best bet is to keep your chats with live dragons short, sweet, and to the point.

Dragons live an extremely long time—generally four or five hundred years, depending on food supply and whether anyone shoots magical arrows at them. This being the case, they have long memories and a taste for revenge, not only against the person who injured them but against his descendants and his descendants’ descendants. On the whole, therefore, it’s bad practice to make an enemy of a dragon. But sometimes it just can’t be avoided.

Types of Dragons

Varying types of dragons exist, and each type requires a different combat strategy and differing times for a head start in running away. It should be noted, though, that all dragons have in common their love of precious things and their remarkable ability to keep an exact accounting of all items in their hoard and their current market value. This is not to mention the fact that dragon hoards are vast beyond imagination, each containing hundreds, if not thousands, of items stolen over the years from hapless kings and emperors. Thus, burgling a dragon’s treasure has got to be one of the stupidest enterprises ever conceived by the mind of a dwarf—in this case, Thorin Oakenshield.

Fire Dragons

These are the most common wyrms. Their size ranges from 150 feet to 300 feet, snout to tail. Their often-immense size makes them intimidating, but it also makes it somewhat difficult for them to hide themselves, and sooner or later some busybody of a hero is likely to come bounding into their lair, waving a big magic sword and declaring his intention of cooking up a dragon stew for the local villagers. Fortunately—from the dragon’s point of view—such threats are easily, if messily, disposed of.

Fire dragons are so called because they breathe fire, which can roast a fleeing hobbit from twenty-five feet away. The fire is accompanied by noxious sulfur-laden fumes, nearly as deadly as the flames themselves. Fire dragons carry themselves on vast batlike wings and can sail silently through the air to attack their prey. Their rear legs are short and stumpy, their forearms are slender, and their claws are long, sharp, and deadly when they slash. Mostly fire dragons use their claws to snatch up adventurers and tear them to pieces. However, the claws are also helpful in fine-motor manipulation of the items of the hoard.

Battling a Fire Dragon

Fire dragons traditionally sleep on top of their hoards, coating their stomachs with bits and pieces of their treasure. The observant warrior may notice a hole or two in the dragon’s belly, through which he can direct an arrow. Of course one arrow isn’t going to bring down a beast such as this unless it’s imbued with magical powers. Your best bet is to let a wizard construct such an arrow and be very careful about when and where you shoot it. And whatever you do, don’t miss. Dragons don’t like being shot at; who would? And they’re apt to take steps to prevent that sort of thing happening more than once.

Ice Dragons

As the name implies, these dragons live in remote arctic regions, where they prey on bear, bird, seal, and sometimes venture into civilized regions to pick up a snack of villagers or dwarves on their way to a distant mine. They carve their caves into the sides of mountains or icebergs where they store their treasure, letting it freeze into a mass that’s practically impossible to move, let alone steal.

Generally, ice dragons have white or blue scales and long, slender wings. They are smaller than fire drakes, stretching about seventy-five feet at most. Their smaller size makes them faster and deadlier in attack. They can disguise themselves by clinging to the sides of icebergs until they drift near a ship or an isolated town.

Ice dragons’ breath is cold and can freeze water at up to fifty paces. One method of attack is to freeze ships within a mass of ice floes and then attack the helpless mariners.

Battling an Ice Dragon

If you must, the best way to fight an ice dragon is with fire. Ice dragons don’t like anything warm, since it tends to conflict with their natural habitat. If, therefore, you’re attacked by an ice dragon, step one is to kindle as large a bonfire as you can put together on short notice. Range yourself around it, backs to the fire, and wait for the attack. Beware the tendency of ice dragons to breath on the fire itself, putting it out and freezing the fuel. If that happens, there’s very little more you can do except run. Arrows and swords are little use against the icy scales of this wyrm, and iron is apt to shatter if it’s suddenly frozen. Mithril mail, if you have any, is the best protection against attack.

Sea Dragons

Sea dragons are what give rise to the legend of sea serpents, and it’s not hard to see why. As the name implies, they live in water, although, being reptiles, they must surface regularly to breathe. They are long and slender, with flippers rather than wings, which they use to propel themselves through the sea at enormous speeds. Their favorite prey is ships, which they enjoy playing with, striking them from underneath to knock passengers on deck into the water. These can then be gobbled at leisure. The ship will gradually be broken by repeated blows, its crew eaten, and its treasure collected.

Sea dragons have been seen up to 150 feet in length, but it’s difficult to estimate their true size, since so much of them is underwater. That and the fact that not many survive encounters with these beasts. The breath of a sea dragon has no special offensive power, although it usually smells unpleasantly like fish and seaweed.

Sea dragons make their lairs on isolated islands with good access to shipping lanes. They will eat fish if humans, elves, and dwarves aren’t available (they don’t eat hobbit, mainly because it’s almost impossible to coax a hobbit on board a ship).

Battling a Sea Dragon

The best defense against a sea dragon is a swift boat, and even that’s not much help. Sea dragons are notoriously fast swimmers and can overtake any sailing vessel. The one opportunity to counter the attack of a sea dragon may occur if the dragon surfaces and confronts the ship directly, sticking its long, serpentlike neck over the side to snatch at anyone on board. In this case, a well-placed blow with a stout sword can injure and even possibly behead the dragon. Note: Strike to kill. If you only wound a sea dragon (or any other kind of dragon, for that matter), you’ve annoyed it to the point that it’ll make sure nothing is left of you but a grease spot on a shattered deck plank.

Magical Creatures

Up to this point we’ve been discussing creatures of (more or less) flesh and blood. However, with wights and Ringwraiths we encounter creatures that are even harder to defend against because they’re already dead. Or, at least, mostly dead.

Wights

A wight is an undead spirit, usually of someone or something evil. Wights inhabit barrows on the rolling downs just east of the Shire, but they can be found in many other parts of Middle-earth. Wights seek to trap and destroy the souls of living folk, taking them prisoner and binding them with spells.

Wights, as you may gather from this, are magical creatures. They can control fog and other weather-related events in some areas, using them to confuse and trap unwary travelers. They are familiar with binding magic, and many of the objects that were associated with them in life are hoarded by them in death.

Avoiding Wights

When a helpful guide tells you to stay away from a particular area because it’s inhabited by wights, do yourself a favor and take his advice. However, if you must wander the haunted barrows, keep a careful eye out for signs of fog or unnatural darkness. In the event of such phenomena, get away from the barrows as quickly as possible and seek sunlight. Like most creatures of darkness, wights dislike sunlight and won’t follow you there.

In the Clutches of a Wight

When you’re trapped in a wight’s tomb, do not panic. I mean, you may think that your life is going to come to a swift and nasty end, but panicking isn’t going to help matters. The main thing is to keep your head and remember the following:

Ringwraiths

These are about the nastiest creatures you’re likely to ever encounter, even surpassing dragons. There are only nine of them, but they’re just about impossible to kill, and they have magical powers that surpass just about everything you can find on Middle-earth, including most wizards. Therefore, the best advice regarding them is to get away fast.

Some general advice about them includes:

Ringwraith Steeds

Unhorsed during the flood at the Bruinen of Rivendell, the Ringwraiths were remounted on flying steeds, a sort of cross between dragons and eagles. The beasts were able to attack, to fly swiftly, to defend themselves against arrows and stones, and were fed on “foul meats,” which generally means carrion. The riders, thus mounted, were renamed the Nazgul. If attacked by a Nazgul, there’s little you can do other than to seek shelter in the swiftest way. Nazgul can be killed, but probably not by you. It’s best to leave this to other heroes, preferably to women, disguised as men, who are going to confuse the hell out of the Nazgul and confound the terms of prophecies. So stick with that.

Nonmagical Animals

Animals can be put to the service of the Dark Lord, and he controls many of them. Some, such as crows, he uses as spies, sending them in flights to sweep back and forth across the approaches to his land. Others, such as wolves, are useful for attacking strangers or any adventurers who come too close. Finally there are battle beasts, such as oliphaunts, who can be used as tanks during an army’s onslaught.

Fighting an oliphaunt isn’t easy, since in the words of the rhyme it’s as “big as a house.” Massed arrow fire won’t do much good unless the arrows are directed at the oliphaunt’s eyes. This will madden the beast, and it can be worn down, pulled to earth, and dispatched with axes.

Oliphaunt tusks make lovely wedding gifts.

The Dark Lord

If you encounter Sauron himself, you’ve bumped square up against one of the Powers of Middle-earth, and you should stay away—far away. Of course, you won’t have any choice. In the time it would take for you to read this, you’ll be smack in the middle of the Dark Tower, and anything you want will be irrelevant. The only hope you have is to go mad before torture drags out your darkest secrets.

If—if—you happen to have a magic ring, and if you happen to drop it in the Cracks of Doom in Mount Doom, Orodruin, the Fire Mountain, you’ve got a chance. Otherwise, this is probably a good time to say good-bye.