Hawk was up with the sun and put in a full day, taking guests at Angel View Lodge on Jeep tours across Sure Foot Mountain. He hadn’t had much time to rehearse what he was going to say to Laura Lynn when he met her at Coffey’s after work.
After saying good-bye to the last of the guests who had signed up for the day’s Jeep tours, Hawk went home and showered. He took a couple of Tylenol that he doubted would dull the nagging headache that had plagued him all day. He didn’t know if it was stress related or a by-product of yesterday’s bizarre mystery. He just wanted it to stop so he could think straight.
“You missed spaghetti night.” Jesse Cummings stood in the bathroom doorway, munching a cookie. “And church this morning.”
Hawk smoothed his hair and looked over at his little brother, who was holding several cookies in his hand. “What are you, my conscience? I can’t always be home for spaghetti night. And I had to do Jeep tours today because I switched days off with Connor so I could go to the sailboat races.”
“I miss you, that’s all,” Jesse said. “I haven’t seen you much lately. We should go fishing. We always have a great time.”
“We do, Jesse, but I only get one day off in the summer, and part of that is spent in church …”
“And the other part is spent with Laura Lynn. I know.” Jesse’s countenance fell.
“Can’t you get Elliot to go with you?”
“We do other things. He’s cool. He’s just not a fisherman.”
“What about Dawson? I know he fishes.”
“He loves it, but he’s got football training camp, church camp, and then he’s going to Washington DC with his grandparents.”
“What about Grandpa Buck?”
Jesse raked his fingers through his fine, dark hair. “We catch bluegill at the marina, but it’s too hard for him to hike along the riverbank to where the bigger fish are.”
Hawk turned to his brother and looked into his pleading eyes, remembering the long hours their dad had to put in at Angel View when Hawk was thirteen, and how Grandpa Buck had always been available to take him fishing on the river. “Okay, sport. I’ll go with you next Sunday after church—if you’ll get the bait and have our tackle ready to go. Deal?”
“Deal!”
Hawk bumped fists with Jesse, noticing for the first time how he was losing his boyish features and looking more like a teenager. “Now let me finish getting ready.”
“You going out with Laura Lynn?”
“I’m meeting her at Coffey’s.”
“You must be tired. You don’t sound very happy about it.”
Hawk turned Jesse around and gave him a shove. “Good night, Dr. Phil.”
Jesse laughed. “Bye. I’m going over to Timothy’s and watch a movie on Netflix. I’ll see you when I see you.”
Hawk stared at his reflection in the mirror. He didn’t even look the same. After tonight, Laura Lynn would never speak to him again.
Hawk drove slowly past Coffey’s Grill House and saw the festive, colored lights strung in the trees around the back patio. The place was busy for a Sunday night—mostly with locals. It was too far off Main Street to attract many tourists. What made him think this was a good place to bare his soul?
He saw someone waving and realized it was Laura Lynn. He pulled his Jeep into the space next to hers, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. He could do this. He had to do this.
“There you are,” Laura Lynn Parks said.
She came up to his Jeep, still dressed in her pink-and-white uniform from Bella’s Bakery, her long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, her facial features delicate and feminine. He remembered how attracted he was to her the first time he laid eyes on her, and how he had agonized for weeks before he’d had the courage to ask her out. How could he have ruined everything?
“You don’t look very happy to see me,” she said.
“Sorry.” Hawk got out and took her hand. “I’m just tired. Would you mind if we took a walk instead of going inside right now?”
“All right. It’s beautiful out tonight.”
As they walked toward Timberline Avenue, Hawk held tighter to Laura Lynn’s hand than he had intended. He just couldn’t make himself start the conversation.
“Hawk, is something wrong? And please don’t tell me no. You haven’t been yourself for weeks now. I’m feeling very insecure about this relationship. We haven’t seen each other in almost a week, and you look more like you’re going to a funeral than on a date. Is it me?”
Hawk shook his head. “I promise it’s not you. You’re remarkable. I, on the other hand …”
“You, on the other hand, what?”
Hawk sighed. He stepped over to the barbershop window and leaned his back against it, facing Laura Lynn. He looked around to make sure they were alone. “I’ve done a terrible thing, babe. I’ve struggled to find an easy way to tell you, but there just isn’t one. I’ve been seeing another woman for a while now.” Hawk looked down at his shoes. He could hear his heart pounding in the agonizing moments that followed. Come on, Laura Lynn, say something.
“How long is a while?” she finally said.
Hawk lifted his head. “About six weeks.”
“No wonder you’ve been avoiding me. Do you have feelings for her? Is it serious?”
“I’m not in love with her, if that’s what you mean. But it’s serious on another level.” Just say it before you can’t. “I–I’ve been sleeping with her.”
Laura Lynn held her hand over her mouth and whimpered. “How could you, Hawk? We made a vow to God not to have sex until we marry. What were you thinking?”
“Obviously, I wasn’t. I let my guard down. I’m not proud of it. I don’t know what else to say.”
She threw her hands in the air. “There’s absolutely nothing you can say. Once is letting your guard down, and that’s bad enough. But six weeks? That’s a deliberate slap in the face. Does anyone else know?”
Hawk shook his head. “No, I wanted to tell you first. I’m so sorry. I know this must be devastating—”
“Do you think? This changes everything …” Laura Lynn started to cry. “I can’t—no, I won’t—build a future with a man I can’t trust. What’s this woman’s name?”
“It doesn’t matter. You don’t know her.”
“Are you going to continue seeing her?”
“No, it’s over,” Hawk said firmly. “She’s left town.”
“You can’t possibly think we can continue seeing each other after this.”
“No. I let you down. Let God down. Let myself down. I don’t deserve to be in any relationship until I can understand why I let this happen.”
“Seems clear to me: your libido was stronger than your commitment. I can never trust you again.” Laura Lynn looked dazed. She took off her promise ring and held it with her thumb and forefinger. “I guess that’s it. This is good-bye.”
Hawk sighed. “I wish we could at least stay friends, but that never seems to work while the pain is so fresh.”
Laura Lynn seemed trapped in a long pause. Finally she said, “Tell me something. Not that I would have done it … but why didn’t you even try to get me to sleep with you? Am I not desirable? Is there something wrong with me?” Laura Lynn’s eyes brimmed with tears.
Hawk swallowed the emotion that was just under the surface. “I respected you too much, babe. I never let down my guard with you. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. You’re a beautiful and extremely desirable woman, and an incredibly kind and giving human being.” He wiped her tears with his thumbs. “Someday the man God intended for you to marry will come into your life. He’ll appreciate that you saved yourself just for him.”
Laura Lynn took his hands and pushed them away. “I wanted you to be that man.”
“So did I,” Hawk said. “I’m sorry. I’m not the first man to be blinded by lust. I just want you to understand that what happened was my choice, my undoing. It was not a reflection on you as a woman.”
Laura Lynn’s face turned stone cold. “Doesn’t matter. I couldn’t feel any less significant than I do at this moment.”
“I never intended to hurt you.”
“I could almost believe that, if it had happened just one time. But you deceived me for six weeks. Did you even feel an ounce of remorse? Obviously, you were more interested in satisfying your lust than in protecting my feelings or this relationship.”
Hawk couldn’t think of anything to say in his defense. She was right. “I’m so sorry. There’s no excuse for what I did. If I could go back and change it, I would. I know your heart is broken, and I know what we had is over. But I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me.”
Laura Lynn put her promise ring in his hand without replying. The prolonged silence that followed was excruciating.
“Just so you know …” Hawk finally said, his voice cracking, “I’m not planning to tell anyone else about the affair, other than Mama and Elliot, and Grandpa Buck. I’d like to spare us both the humiliation.”
“What are you going to say if someone asks why we broke up?”
“I’ll say we came to the mutual realization that we were growing in opposite directions, and it seemed best to end it.”
Laura Lynn nodded. “That’s true enough. I really don’t relish the thought of having to tell our friends what you did, though killing you has some appeal.” Her half-hearted attempt at humor just produced more tears. “Despite everything, you’re not an easy person to hate.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation, I hate myself enough for both of us.” Hawk stood up straight. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”
He started to take her arm and she put her hands in her pockets. They walked up the block, side by side, without talking.
When they got to her car, he put his hand on the door so she couldn’t open it. “Laura Lynn, please look at me. I can’t let you go without saying one last thing.”
She spun around. “What is there left to say?”
He looked into her eyes and saw the sweet, tender soul who had won his heart. “You are my first love, and no one else can ever be that. There were so many positive things about our relationship. Despite everything, I’ll never forget that. I hope you won’t either.”
Laura Lynn’s eyes glistened. She turned around and waited for him to move his arm, then quickly opened the door, her hands shaking, and slid in behind the wheel. She started the engine, backed out, and drove away, without saying a word.
Hawk sat at the kitchen table with Elliot and Grandpa Buck, staring at his hands and enduring the extra-loud clanking of pots and pans as his mother grabbed them from the dishwasher and shoved them into the proper cupboard. It was her way of letting off steam. And it was easier for him to deal with than having her go off on him after his gut-wrenching confession.
Finally, Kate came back to the table and sat next to Elliot. She breathed in slowly and exhaled, and then looked over at Hawk. “I don’t think I have to tell you how disappointed I am, as much for the pain it’s causing Laura Lynn as anything else.”
“Of course you don’t,” Hawk said. “I knew you would be. I’m beyond disappointed in myself.”
“What hurts most,” Kate said, “is your blatant dishonesty. You’ve been with this woman numerous times in the past six weeks, and you told us you were with Laura Lynn.”
“I didn’t exactly say that, but I did let you think it.”
“Which is the same as lying,” Elliot said.
Hawk ran his hands through his hair. “I know. I was ashamed. I didn’t want you to know what I was doing.”
“Especially while you had no intention of ending it,” Kate said sarcastically.
“We’ve all made bad decisions.” Grandpa Buck took off his glasses and set them on the table. “But so help me, boy, this one takes the prize. That girl was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Why were your eyes rovin’ in the first place?”
Hawk sighed. “I wasn’t looking, Grandpa. I was leaving Salisbury’s market and saw this gal fumbling to hold on to a busted sack of groceries that were falling all over the pavement, so I went over to help. We got to talking. She was new to the area and said she was having a hard time making friends. I couldn’t imagine why. She was drop-dead gorgeous and easy to talk to. Before I knew it, I’d offered to take her on a Jeep ride—not here at Angel View, but on my own time. The rest is history. It’s a moot point anyhow. She decided not to stay in Foggy Ridge. She’s moved. It’s over.”
“Thank God for that,” Kate said.
Hawk started to say something and then didn’t. “Before you judge her, there’s something I think you should know. Though the time I spent with her was morally reprehensible, nothing about it was sordid or sleazy. And in fairness to her, she had no idea I was already in a relationship. Despite what you’re probably thinking, she was a very nice person. Under different circumstances, you would have liked her.”
Kate raised an eyebrow. “So does this ‘very nice person’ have a name?”
“Her name isn’t important,” Hawk said. “It’s over. She’s gone. Let’s leave it at that.”
“Don’t be surprised if it isn’t that simple,” Elliot said. “There are often far-reaching consequences to sin we haven’t even thought about.”
“What could be more far reaching than losing Laura Lynn? It’s going to affect me for the rest of my life.”
“Hawk, have you given any thought to how your deceitful behavior has affected the rest of us?” Kate glanced at Elliot and Grandpa Buck. “I don’t think you realize that you betrayed us too. I, for one, have always been able to trust you with anything. Anything. You kept this family together when your father and sister were missing and it was all I could do to get up in the morning. And suddenly, I wonder if I even know you and if I’ll ever be able to trust you …” Kate’s voice trailed off, and she struggled to keep her composure.
“Mama, please don’t think that. I’m the same person. You can trust me. I’ll never lie to you again.”
“How would I know?” Kate dabbed her eyes. “You pulled off this whopper without any of us suspecting a thing. Can you understand how unsettling that is?”
“Your mother brings up a good point.” Grandpa Buck hooked his thumbs on his suspenders. “Our love for you is free, Hawk. But our trust in you isn’t. And it doesn’t come cheap. You’re gonna have to earn it back, for however long it takes.”
Hawk sat back in his chair, his arms folded across his chest, and looked over at Elliot. “I see what you mean. I guess it’s not that simple.”
Elliot put his hand on Kate’s. “Consequences never are.”