A street before the Jeweller’s house and the Court of Law
Enter Proditor and Phoenix.
PRODITOR
Come hither, Phoenix.
PHOENIX
What makes your honour break so early?
PRODITOR
A toy, I have a toy.
PHOENIX
A toy, my lord?
PRODITOR
Before thou layest thy wrath upon the duke,
Be advis’d.
PHOENIX
Ay, ay, I warrant you, my lord.
PRODITOR
Nay, give my words honour; hear me.
I’ll strive to bring this act into such form
And credit amongst men, they shall suppose,
Nay, verily believe, the prince, his son,
To be the plotter of his father’s murder.
PHOENIX
Oh, that were infinitely admirable!
PRODITOR
Were’t not? It pleaseth me beyond my bliss.
Then if his son meet death as he returns,
Or by my hired instruments turn up,
The general voice will cry, “Oh, happy vengeance!”
PHOENIX
Oh, blessed vengeance!
PRODITOR
Ay, I’ll turn my brain
Into a thousand uses, tire my inventions,
Make my blood sick with study, and mine eye
More hollow than my heart; but I will fashion,
Nay, I will fashion it. Canst counterfeit?
PHOENIX
The prince’s hand? [Most] truly, most direct;
You shall admire it.
PRODITOR
Necessary mischief,
Next to a woman, but more close in secrets!
Thou’rt all the kindred that my breast vouchsafes.
Look into me anon: I must frame, and muse,
And fashion.
Exit.
PHOENIX
’Twas to look into thee, in whose heart
Treason grows ripe, and therefore fit to fall;
That slave first sinks whose envy threatens all.
Now is his venom at full height.
FIRST VOICE WITHIN
“Lying or being in the said county, in the tenure and occupation aforesaid” —
SECOND VOICE WITHIN
No more, then; a writ of course upon the matter of —
THIRD VOICE WITHIN
Silence!
FOURTH VOICE WITHIN
Oho-o-o-yes! Carlo Turbulenzo, appear, or lose twenty mark in the suits.
PHOENIX
Ha? Whither have my thoughts conveyed me? I am now within the dizzy murmur of the law.
FIRST VOICE WITHIN
So that then, the cause being found clear, upon the last citation —
FOURTH VOICE WITHIN
Carlo Turbulenzo, come into the court.
Enter Tangle with two [Suitors] after him.
TANGLE
Now, now, now, now, now, upon my knees I praise Mercury, the god of law! I have two suits at issue, two suits at issue.
FIRST SUITOR
Do you hear, sir?
TANGLE
I will not hear; I’ve other business.
FIRST SUITOR
I beseech you, my learned counsel —
TANGLE
Beseech not thee, beseech not me! I am a mortal man, a client as you are; beseech not me!
FIRST SUITOR
I would do all by your worship’s direction.
TANGLE
Then hang thyself.
SECOND SUITOR
Shall I take out a special supplicavit?
TANGLE
Mad me not, torment me not, tear me not! You’ll give me leave to hear mine own cause, mine own cause!
FIRST VOICE WITHIN
Nay, moreover, and further —
TANGLE
Well said, my lawyer, well said, well said!
FIRST VOICE WITHIN
All the opprobrious speeches that man could invent, all malicious invectives, called wittol to his face —
TANGLE
That’s I, that’s I; thank you, my learned counsel, for your good remembrance. I hope I shall overthrow him horse and foot.
FIRST SUITOR
Nay, but good sir —
TANGLE
No more, sir; he that brings me happy news first I’ll relieve first.
BOTH SUITORS
Sound executions rot thy cause and thee!
Exeunt [Suitors].
TANGLE
Ay, ay, pray so still, pray so still; they’ll thrive the better.
PHOENIX
I wonder how this fellow keeps out madness?
What stuff his brains are made on?
TANGLE
I suffer, I suffer, till I hear a judgment!
PHOENIX
What, old signior?
TANGLE
Prithee, I will not know thee now; ’tis a busy time, a busy time with me.
PHOENIX
What, not me, [signior]?
TANGLE
Oh, cry thee mercy! Give me thy hand; fare thee well. He’s no relief again me, then; his demurs will not help him; his sursurraras will but play the knaves with him.
Enter Justice Falso.
PHOENIX
The justice, ’tis he.
FALSO
Have I found thee, i’faith? I thought where I should smell thee out, old Tangle.
TANGLE
What, old [signior] justicer? Embrace me another time, an you can possible. How does all thy [wife’s] children? Well? That’s well said, i’faith.
FALSO
Hear me, old Tangle.
TANGLE
Prithee, do not ravish me; let me go.
FALSO
I must use some of thy counsel first.
TANGLE
Sirrah, I ha’ brought him to an exigent. Hark! That’s my cause, that’s my cause yonder! I twing’d him, I twing’d him!
FALSO
My niece is stolen away.
TANGLE
Ah, get me a ne exeat regno quickly! Nay, you must not stay upon’t, I’d fain have you gone.
FALSO
A ne exeat regno? I’ll about it presently; adieu.
[Exit.]
PHOENIX
You seek to catch her, justice; she’ll catch you.
[Enter First Suitor.]
FIRST SUITOR
A judgment, a judgment!
TANGLE
What, what, what?
FIRST SUITOR
Overthrown, overthrown, overthrown!
TANGLE
Ha? Ah, ah!
[Enter Second Suitor.]
SECOND SUITOR
News, news, news!
TANGLE
The devil, the devil, the devil!
SECOND SUITOR
Twice Tangle’s overthrown, twice Tangle’s overthrown!
TANGLE
Hold!
PHOENIX
Now, old cheater of the law —
TANGLE
Pray give me leave to be mad.
PHOENIX
Thou that hast found such sweet pleasure in the vexation of others —
TANGLE
May I not be mad in quiet?
PHOENIX
Very marrow, very manna to thee to be in law —
TANGLE
Very syrup of toads and preserv’d adders!
PHOENIX
Thou that hast vex’d and beggar’d the whole parish, and made the honest churchwardens go to law with the poor’s money —
TANGLE
Hear me, do but hear me! I pronounce a terrible, horrible curse upon you all, and wish you to my attorney! See where a praemunire comes, a dedimus potestatem, and that most dreadful execution, excommunicato capiendo! There’s no bail to be taken; I shall rot in fifteen jails: make dice of my bones, and let my counsellor’s son play away his father’s money with ‘em; may my bones revenge my quarrel! A capias comminus? Here, here, here, here; quickly dip your quills in my blood, off with my skin and write fourteen lines of a side. There’s an honest, conscionable fellow; he takes but ten shillings of a bellows-mender. Here’s another deals all with charity; you shall give him nothing, only his wife an embroidered petticoat, a gold fringe for her tail, or a border for her head. Ah, sirrah, you shall catch me no more in the springe of your knaveries!
[Exit.]
FIRST SUITOR
Follow, follow him still; a little thing now sets him forward.
[Exeunt Suitors.]
PHOENIX
None can except against him; the man’s mad,
And privileg’d by the moon, if he say true:
Less madness ’tis to speak sin than to do.
This wretch, that lov’d before his food his strife,
This punishment falls even with his life.
His pleasure was vexation, all his bliss
The torment of another;
Their [hurt] his health, their starved hopes his store:
Who so loves the law dies either mad or poor.
[Enter Fidelio.]
FIDELIO
A miracle, a miracle!
PHOENIX
How now, Fidelio?
FIDELIO
My lord, a miracle!
PHOENIX
What is’t?
FIDELIO
I have found
One quiet, suffering, and unlawyer’d man;
An opposite, a very contrary
To the old turbulent fellow.
PHOENIX
Why, he’s mad.
FIDELIO
Mad? Why, he is in his right wits: could he be madder than he was? If he be any way altered from what he was, ’tis for the better, my lord.
PHOENIX
Well, but where’s this wonder?
FIDELIO
’Tis coming, my lord: a man so truly a man, so indifferently a creature; using the world in his right nature but to tread upon; one that would not bruise the cowardliest enemy to man, the worm, that dares not show his malice till we are dead. Nay, my lord, you will admire his temper! See where he comes.
Enter Quieto.
I promis’d your acquaintance, sir: yon is
The gentleman I did commend for temper.
QUIETO
Let me embrace you simply,
That’s perfectly, and more in heart than hand;
Let affectation keep at court.
PHOENIX
Ay, let it.
QUIETO
’Tis told me you love quiet.
PHOENIX
Above wealth.
QUIETO
I above life; I have been wild and rash,
Committed many and unnatural crimes,
Which I have since repented.
PHOENIX
’Twas well spent.
QUIETO
I was mad, stark mad, nine years together.
PHOENIX
I pray, how?
QUIETO
Going to law, i’faith, it made me mad.
PHOENIX
With the like frenzy, not an hour since,
An aged man was struck.
QUIETO
Alas, I pity him!
PHOENIX
He’s not worth pitying, for ’twas still his gladness
To be at variance.
QUIETO
Yet a man’s worth pity;
My quiet blood has blest me with this gift:
I have cur’d some, and if his wits be not
Too deeply cut, I will assay to help ‘em.
PHOENIX
Sufferance does teach you pity.
Enter [Quieto’s] Boy.
BOY
Oh, master, master! Your abominable next neighbour came into the house, being half in drink, and took away your best carpet.
QUIETO
Has he it?
BOY
Alas, sir!
QUIETO
Let him go; trouble him not. Lock the door quietly after him, and have a safer care who comes in next.
PHOENIX
But sir, might I advise you, in such a cause as this a man might boldly, nay, with conscience, go to law.
QUIETO
Oh, I’ll give him the table too first! Better endure a fist than a sharp sword. I had rather they should pull off my clothes than flay off my skin and hang that on mine enemy’s hedge.
PHOENIX
Why, for such good causes was the law ordain’d.
QUIETO
True, and in itself ’tis glorious and divine;
Law is the very masterpiece of heaven:
But see yonder,
There’s many clouds between the sun and us,
There’s too much cloth before we see the law.
PHOENIX
I’m content with that answer; be mild still:
’Tis honour to forgive those you could kill.
QUIETO
There do I keep.
PHOENIX
Reach me your hand; I love you,
And you shall know me better.
QUIETO
’Tis my suit.
PHOENIX
The night grows deep, and —
Enter two Officers.
FIRST OFFICER
Come away; this way, this way.
PHOENIX
Who be those? Stand close a little.
[As they retire, Phoenix] jars the ring of the [Jeweller’s] door; the Maid enters, catches him.
MAID
Oh, you’re come as well as e’er you came in your life; my master’s new gone to bed. Give me your knightly hand: I must lead you into the blind parlour; my mistress will be down to you presently.
Takes in Phoenix, amazed.
FIRST OFFICER
I tell you, our safest course will be to arrest him when he comes out o’ th’ tavern, for then he will be half drunk and will not stand upon his weapon.
SECOND OFFICER
Our safest course indeed, for he will draw.
FIRST OFFICER
That he will, though he put it up again, which is more of his courtesy than of our deserving.
Exeunt [Officers].
QUIETO
The world is nothing but vexation,
Spite, and uncharitable action.
FIDELIO
Did you see the gentleman?
QUIETO
Not I.
FIDELIO
Where should he be? It may be he’s passed by;
Good sir, let’s overtake him.