A room in Hoard’s house
Enter Hoard.
HOARD
What a sweet blessing hast thou, Master Hoard, above a multitude! Wilt thou never be thankful? How dost thou think to be blest another time? Or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness? By my troth, I think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content: she’s rich, she’s young, she’s fair, she’s [wise]; when I wake, I think of her lands — that revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty — and that’s enough for me; she’s worth four hundred a year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it. But the journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride to her lands in state and order following my brother and other worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha’ sent down for already, to ride along with us in their goodly decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which time I’ll entertain some ten men of mine own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities: I will not keep an idle man about me; the sight of which will so vex my adversary Lucre — for we’ll pass by his door of purpose, make a little stand for [the] nonce, and have our horses curvet before [the] window — certainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang himself presently!
[Enter Arthur.]
How now, sirrah, what news? Any that offer their service to me yet?
[ARTHUR]
Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for your worship’s liking, and desire to be entertained.
HOARD
Are they of occupation?
[ARTHUR]
They are men fit for your worship, sir.
HOARD
Say’st so? Send ‘em all in!
[Exit Arthur.]
To see ten men ride after me in watchet liveries, with orange-tawny capes, ‘twill cut his comb, i’faith.
Enter all [Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman].
How now? Of what occupation are you, sir?
TAILOR
A tailor, an’t please your worship.
HOARD
A tailor? Oh, very good: you shall serve to make all the liveries. What are you, sir?
BARBER
A barber, sir.
HOARD
A barber? Very needful: you shall shave all the house, and, if need require, stand for a reaper i’ th’ summer time. You, sir?
PERFUMER
A perfumer.
HOARD
I smelt you before. Perfumers, of all men, had need carry themselves uprightly, for if they were once knaves they would be smelt out quickly. To you, sir?
FALCONER
A falconer, an’t please your worship.
HOARD
Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho! And you, sir?
HUNTSMAN
A huntsman, sir.
HOARD
There, boy, there, boy, there, boy! I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise you, my masters, I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all; I put you already into my countenance, and you shall be shortly in my livery; but especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny huntsman, we shall have most need of you at my wife’s manor houses i’ th’ country; there’s goodly parks and champion grounds for you; we shall have all our sports within ourselves; all the gentlemen o’ th’ country shall be beholding to us and our pastimes.
FALCONER
And we’ll make you[r] worship admire, sir.
HOARD
Say’st thou so? Do but make me admire, and thou shalt want for nothing. My tailor!
TAILOR
Anon, sir.
HOARD
Go presently in hand with the liveries.
TAILOR
I will, sir.
HOARD
My barber.
BARBER
Here, sir.
HOARD
Make ‘em all trim fellows, louse ‘em well — especially my huntsman — and cut all their beards of the Polonian fashion. My perfumer.
PERFUMER
Under your nose, sir.
HOARD
Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent of my tailor’s feet, and my barber’s lotium-water.
PERFUMER
It shall be carefully performed, sir.
HOARD
But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcom’st men alive, i’faith!
HUNTSMAN
And we’ll show you that, sir, shall deserve your worship’s favour.
HOARD
I prithee, show me that. Go, you knaves all, and wash your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go.
[Exeunt Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman.]
By th’ mass, and well remembered, I’ll ask my wife that question. Wife, Mistress Jane Hoard!
Enter Courtesan, altered in apparel.
COURTESAN
Sir, would you with me?
HOARD
I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i’ th’ country?
COURTESAN
Hum! Faith, sir, ’twould like me better here; here you were married, here let all rites be ended.
HOARD
Could a marquess give a better answer? Hoard, bear thy head aloft, thou’st a wife will advance it.
[Enter Host with a letter.]
What haste comes here now? [Yea], a letter? Some dreg of my adversary’s malice. Come hither; what’s the news?
HOST
A thing that concerns my mistress, sir. [Gives letter to Courtesan.]
HOARD
Why then it concerns me, knave!
HOST
Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy): you are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir: a precontract.
HOARD
How? A precontract, say’st thou?
HOST
I fear they have too much proof on’t, sir. Old Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he can; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims upon you a’t’other side, says you have wrought his undoing by the injurious detaining of his contract.
HOARD
Body a’ me!
HOST
He will have utmost satisfaction;
The law shall give him recompense, he says.
COURTESAN
[Aside] Alas, his creditors so merciless! My state being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to furder him.
HOST
True, sir —
HOARD
Wife, what says that letter? Let me construe it.
COURTESAN
Curst be my rash and unadvised words! [Tears and treads on letter.]
I’ll set my foot upon my tongue,
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
HOARD
Wife —
HOST
[Aside] A pretty shift, i’faith! I commend a woman when she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and this was cleanly done, by my troth.
COURTESAN
I did, sir!
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
HOARD
Of what force? Let me examine ‘em.
COURTESAN
Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of him!
HOARD
Shall I compound?
COURTESAN
No, sir, I’d have it done some nobler way
Of your side; I’d have you come off with honour;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? The occasion’s offered you.
HOARD
Where? How, dear wife?
COURTESAN
He is now caught by his creditors; the slave’s needy, his debts petty; he’ll rather bind himself to all inconveniences than rot in prison; by this only means you may get a release from him. ’Tis not yet come to his uncle’s hearing; send speedily for the creditors; by this time he’s desperate, he’ll set his hand to anything: take order for his debts, or discharge ‘em quite: a pax on him, let’s be rid of a rascal!
HOARD
Excellent!
Thou dost astonish me. [To Host] Go, run, make haste;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.
HOST
[Aside] This will be some revenge yet.
[Exit.]
HOARD
In the mean space I’ll have a release drawn. Within there!
[Enter Arthur.]
[ARTHUR]
Sir?
HOARD
Sirrah, come take directions; go to my scrivener.
COURTESAN
[Aside] I’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams;
If I be waked, they’re false; such is my fate,
Who ventures deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinned, yet could I become new,
For, where I once vow, I am ever true.
HOARD
Away, dispatch; on my displeasure, quickly.
[Exit Arthur.]
Happy occasion! Pray heaven he be in the right vein now to set his hand to’t, that nothing alter him; grant that all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him enough! I pray for him, i’faith, and here he comes.
[Enter Witgood and Creditors.]
WITGOOD
What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful adversary?
HOARD
Nay, I am friends.
WITGOOD
Ay, when your mischief’s spent.
HOARD
I heard you were arrested.
WITGOOD
Well, what then?
You will pay none of my debts, I am sure.
HOARD
A wise man cannot tell;
There may be those conditions ‘greed upon
May move me to do much.
WITGOOD
Ay, when?
[To Courtesan] ’Tis thou, perjured woman — oh, no name
Is vild enough to match thy treachery! —
That art the cause of my confusion.
COURTESAN
Out, you penurious slave!
HOARD
Nay, wife, you are too froward;
Let him alone; give losers leave to talk.
WITGOOD
Shall I remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first?
COURTESAN
I’d fain know that.
WITGOOD
’Twould call shame to thy cheeks.
COURTESAN
Shame!
WITGOOD
Hark in your ear.
[Takes Courtesan aside] Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay my debts roundly?
COURTESAN
Doubt nothing; there’s a release a-drawing and all, to which you must set your hand.
WITGOOD
Excellent!
COURTESAN
But methinks, i’faith, you might have made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and never have burdened my conscience with it.
WITGOOD
A’ my troth, I could not, for my creditors’ cruelties extend to the present.
COURTESAN
No more. —
Why, do your worst for that, I defy you.
WITGOOD
Y’are impudent: I’ll call up witnesses.
COURTESAN
Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
To follies a long time.
HOARD
Wife, y’are too bitter.
Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and this it is: ‘t ‘as been my fortune, gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a’late, and here she stands; I have wedded her and bedded her, and yet she is little the worse. Some foolish words she hath passed to you in the country, and some peevish debts you owe here in the city; set the hare’s head to the goose-giblet: release you her of her words, and I’ll release you of your debts, sir.
WITGOOD
Would you so? I thank you for that, sir; I cannot blame you, i’faith.
HOARD
Why, are not debts better than words, sir?
WITGOOD
Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir?
HOARD
He plays at back-racket with me.
FIRST CREDITOR
Come hither, Master Witgood, come hither; be ruled by fools once.
[The Creditors take Witgood aside.]
SECOND CREDITOR
We are citizens, and know what belong to’t.
FIRST CREDITOR
Take hold his offer; pax on her, let her go. If your debts were once discharged, I would help you to a widow myself worth ten of her.
THIRD CREDITOR
Mass, partner, and now you remember me on’t, there’s Master Mulligrub’s sister newly fallen a widow.
FIRST CREDITOR
Cuds me, as pat as can be! There’s a widow left for you, ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, et cetera; I warrant it a match; we can do all in all with her. Prithee dispatch; we’ll carry thee to her presently.
WITGOOD
My uncle will never endure me, when he shall hear I set my hand to a release.
SECOND CREDITOR
Hark, I’ll tell thee a trick for that. I have spent five hundred pound in suits in my time; I should be wise. Thou’rt now a prisoner; make a release; take’t of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in durance, ’tis nothing in law, not thus much. [Snaps his fingers.]
WITGOOD
Say you so, sir?
THIRD CREDITOR
I have paid for’t, I know’t.
WITGOOD
Proceed then, I consent.
THIRD CREDITOR
Why, well said.
HOARD
How now, my masters; what, have you done with him?
FIRST CREDITOR
With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.
HOARD
Ah-a-a! And what came his debts to now?
FIRST CREDITOR
Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
HOARD
Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! Tell me the second time; give me a lighter sum. They are but desperate debts, you know, never called in but upon such an accident; a poor, needy knave, he would starve and rot in prison. Come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound, and the sum down roundly.
FIRST CREDITOR
You must make it a mark, sir.
HOARD
Go to, then; tell your money in the mean time; you shall find little less there. Come, Master Witgood, you are so unwilling to do yourself good now.
[Enter Scrivener.]
Welcome, honest scrivener. Now you shall hear the release read.
SCRIVENER
[Reading] Be it known to all men by these presents, that I, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration of a competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do forever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to the said widow, late in the occupation of the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim by virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or demise, to any of her [manors], manor houses, parks, groves, meadow-grounds, arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, dove-holes, and coney-burrows; together with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, moveables, or [immoveables]. In witness whereof I, the said Theodorus Witgood, have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these presents, the day and date above written.
WITGOOD
What a precious fortune hast thou slipped here, like a beast as thou art!
HOARD
Come, unwilling heart, come.
WITGOOD
Well, Master Hoard, give me the pen; I see
’Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny. [Signs.]
HOARD
Oh, as vain a thing as can be; you cannot commit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now: before all these presents, I am friends forever with thee.
WITGOOD
Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge, i’faith.
HOARD
Content. I’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
WITGOOD
I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
HOARD
How now? Is’t right, my masters?
FIRST CREDITOR
’Tis something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.
HOARD
Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine show nowadays. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my wine ere you depart.
ALL
We follow you, sir.
[Exeunt Hoard, Courtesan and Scrivener.]
WITGOOD
[Aside] I’ll try these fellows now. — A word, sir; what, will you carry me to that rich widow now?
FIRST CREDITOR
Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’faith? Carry you to a rich widow? We should get much credit by that: a noted rioter! A contemptible prodigal! ’Twas a trick we have amongst us to get in our money. Fare you well, sir.
Exeunt [Creditors].
WITGOOD
Farewell, and be hanged, you short pig-haired, ram-headed rascals! He that believes in you shall never be saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have some access unto my love.
She is above.
NIECE
Master Witgood!
WITGOOD
My life!
NIECE
Meet me presently; that note directs you [throwing him a note]; I would not be suspected. Our happiness attends us. Farewell!
WITGOOD
A word’s enough.