Enter Master Shortrod Harebrain with [the] two elder brothers, Master Inesse and Master Possibility
POSSIBILITY
You see bold guests, Master Harebrain.
HAREBRAIN
You’re kindly welcome to my house, good
Master Inesse and Master Possibility.
INESSE
That’s our presumption, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Rafe!
[Enter Rafe]
RAPE
Here, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Call down your mistress to welcome these two gentlemen my friends.
RAFE
I shall, sir. Exit
HAREBRAIN
[aside]
I will observe her carriage and watch
The slippery revolutions of her eye.
I’ll lie in wait for every glance she gives
And poise her words i’th’ balance of suspect.
If she but swag she’s gone, either on this hand
Overfamiliar, or on this too neglectful.
It does behoove her carry herself even.
POSSIBILITY
But Master Harebrain —
HAREBRAIN
True, I hear you, sir.
Was’t you said?
POSSIBILITY
I have not spoke it yet, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Right, so I say.
POSSIBILITY
Is it not strange that in so short a time
My little Lady Gullman should be so violently handled?
HAREBRAIN
O sickness has no mercy, sir.
It neither pities lady’s lip nor eye.
It crops the rose out of the virgin’s cheek,
And so deflowers her that was ne’er deflowered.
Fools then are maids to lock from men that treasure
Which death will pluck and never yield them pleasure.
Ah gentlemen, though I shadow it, that sweet virgin’s sickness grieves me not lightly. She was my wife’s only delight and company. Did you not hear her, gentlemen, i’th’ midst of her extremest fit, still how she called upon my wife, remembered still my wife, ‘Sweet Mistress Harebrain!’ When she sent for me, o’ one side of her bed stood the physician, the scrivener on the other: two horrible objects, but mere opposites in the course of their lives, for the scrivener binds folks and the physician makes them loose.
POSSIBILITY
But not loose of their bonds, sir?
HAREBRAIN
No by my faith, sir, I say not so. If the physician could make ‘em loose of their bonds, there’s many a one would take physic that dares not now for poisoning. But as I was telling of you, her will was fashioning. Wherein I found her best and richest jewel
Given as a legacy unto my wife.
When I read that, I could not refrain weeping.
Well, of all other, my wife has most reason to visit her.
If she have any good nature in her, she’ll show it there.
[Enter Rafe]
Now sir, where’s your mistress?
RAFE
She desires you and the gentlemen your friends to hold her excused. Sh’as a fit of an ague now upon her, which begins to shake her.
HAREBRAIN
Where does it shake her most?
RAFE
All over her body, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Shake all her body, sir. ’Tis a saucy fit,
I’m jealous of that ague. Pray walk in, gentlemen,
I’ll see you instantly. [Exeunt Inesse and Possibility]
RAPE
Now they are absent, sir, ’tis no such thing.
HAREBRAIN
What?
RAFE My mistress has her health, sir,
But ’tis her suit she may confine herself
From sight of all men but your own dear self, sir,
For since the sickness of that modest virgin,
Her only company, she delights in none.
HAREBRAIN
No? Visit her again, commend me to her,
Tell her they’re gone, and only I myself
Walk here to exchange a word or two with her.
RAFE
I’ll tell her so, sir. Exit
HAREBRAIN
Fool that I am, and madman, beast! What worse?
Suspicious o’er a creature that deserves
The best opinion and the purest thought,
Watchful o’er her that is her watch herself,
To doubt her ways that looks too narrowly
Into her own defects. I, foolish-fearful,
Have often rudely, out of giddy flames,
Barred her those objects which she shuns herself.
Thrice I’ve had proof of her most constant temper.
Come I at unawares by stealth upon her,
I find her circled in with divine writs
Of heavenly meditations, here and there
Chapters with leaves tucked up, which when I see,
They either tax pride or adultery.
Ah, let me curse myself, that could be jealous
Of her whose mind no sin can make rebellious.
And here the unmatched comes.
[Enter Wife]
Now wife, i’faith, they’re gone. Push! See how fearful ’tis. Will you not credit me? They’re gone, i’faith. Why, think you I’ll betray you? Come, come, thy delight and mine, thy only virtuous friend, thy sweet instructress is violently taken, grievous sick, and which is worse, she mends not.
WIFE
Her friends are sorry for that, sir.
HAREBRAIN
She calls still upon thee, poor soul, remembers thee still, thy name whirls in her breath. ‘Where’s Mistress Harebrain?’ says she.
WIFE
Alas, good soul.
HAREBRAIN
She made me weep thrice. She’s put thee in a jewel in her will.
WIFE
E’en to th’ last gasp a kind soul.
HAREBRAIN
Take my man, go, visit her.
WIFE
Pray pardon me, sir; alas, my visitation cannot help her.
HAREBRAIN
yet the kindness of a thing, wife. Still she holds the same rare temper. Take my man, I say.
WIFE
I would not take your man, sir, though I did purpose going.
HAREBRAIN
No? Thy reason?
WIFE
The world’s condition is itself so vile, sir,
’Tis apt to judge the worst of those deserve not.
’Tis an ill-thinking age, and does apply
All to the form of it own luxury.
This censure flies from one, that from another;
‘That man’s her squire’, says he; ‘Her pimp’, the t’other;
‘She’s of the stamp’, a third; fourth, ‘I ha’ known her.’
I’ve heard this, not without a burning cheek.
Then our attires are taxed, our very gait
Is called in question, where a husband’s presence
Scatters such thoughts, or makes ‘em sink for fear
Into the hearts that breed ‘em. Nay, surely, if I went, sir,
I would entreat your company.
HAREBRAIN
Mine? Prithee, wife, I have been there already.
WIFE
That’s all one. Although you bring me but to th’ door, sir, I would entreat no farther.
HAREBRAIN
Thou’rt such a wife! Why, I will bring thee thither then, but not go up, I swear.
WIFE
I’faith, you shall not. I do not desire it, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Why then, content.
WIFE
Give me your hand — you will do so, sir?
HAREBRAIN
Why, there’s my lip, I will. [Kissing her]
WIFE
Why then, I go, sir.
HAREBRAIN
With me or no man! Incomparable such a woman! Exeunt
Vials, gallipots, plate, and an hourglass by her, the Courtesan [is discovered] on a bed for her counterfeit fit. Enter to her, Master Penitent
Brothel [dressed] like a Doctor of Physic
PENITENT
Lady?
COURTESAN
Ha, what news?
PENITENT
There’s one Sir Bounteous Progress newly alighted from his footcloth, and his mare waits at door, as the fashion is.
COURTESAN
‘Slid, ’tis the knight that privately maintains me, a little short old spiny gentleman in a great doublet.
PENITENT
The same, I know ‘im.
COURTESAN
He’s my sole revenue, meat, drink and raiment.
My good physician, work upon him, I’m weak.
PENITENT
Enough.
[Enter Sir Bounteous Progress]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Why, where be these ladies, these plump soft delicate creatures, ha?
PENITENT
Who would you visit, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Visit? Who? What are you with the plague in your mouth?
PENITENT
A physician, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Then you are a loose liver, sir. I have put you to your purgation.
PENITENT
[aside] But you need none. You’re purged in a worse fashion.
COURTESAN
Ah, Sir Bounteous.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
How now? What art thou?
COURTESAN
Sweet Sir Bounteous.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Passion of me, what an alteration’s here! Rosamund sick, old Harry? Here’s a sight able to make an old man shrink. I was lusty when I came in, but I am down now, i’faith. Mortality, yea? This puts me in mind of a hole seven foot deep, my grave, my grave, my grave. Hist, Master Doctor, a word, sir, hark, ’tis not the plague, is’t?
PENITENT
The plague, sir? No.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Good.
PENITENT
[aside] He ne’er asks whether it be the pox or no, and of the twain that had been more likely.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
How now, my wench, how dost?
COURTESAN
[coughing] Huh, weak, knight, huh.
PENITENT
[aside] She says true, he’s a weak knight indeed.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Where does it hold thee most, wench?
COURTESAN
All parts alike, sir.
PENITENT
[aside] She says true still, for it holds her in none.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Hark in thine ear. Thou’rt breeding of young bones; I am afraid I have got thee with child, i’faith.
COURTESAN
I fear that much, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O, O, if it should! A young Progress, when all’s done.
COURTESAN YOU have done your good will, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
[aside] I see by her ’tis nothing but a surfeit of Venus, i’faith, and though I be old, I have gi’n’t her. [To Courtesan] But since I had the power to make thee sick, I’ll have the purse to make thee whole, that’s certain. [To Penitent] Master Doctor.
PENITENT
Sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Let’s hear, I pray, what is’t you minister to her?
PENITENT
Marry, sir, some precious cordial, some costly refocillation, a composure comfortable and restorative.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, ay, that, that, that.
PENITENT
No poorer ingredients than the liquor of coral, clear amber or succinum, unicorn’s horn six grains, magisterium perlarum one scruple —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ah.
PENITENT
Ossis de corde cervi half a scruple, aurum potabile or his tincture —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Very precious, sir.
PENITENT
All which being finely contunded and mixed in a stone or glass mortar with the spirit of diamber —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Nay, pray be patient, sir.
PENITENT
That’s impossible. I cannot be patient and a physician too, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O cry you mercy, that’s true, sir.
PENITENT
All which aforesaid —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, there you left, sir.
PENITENT
When it is almost exsiccate or dry, I add thereto olei succini, olei masi, and cinnamoni.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
So sir, olei masi, that same oil of mace is a great comfort to both the Counters.
PENITENT
And has been of a long time, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Well, be of good cheer, wench. There’s gold for thee. [Giving money] Huh, let her want for nothing, Master Doctor. A poor kinswoman of mine: nature binds me to have a care of her. [Aside] There I gulled you, Master Doctor. [To Courtesan] Gather up a good spirit, wench. The lit will away, ’tis but a surfeit of gristles.
[Aside] Ha, ha, I have fitted her! An old knight and a cock o’ th’ game still! I have not spurs for nothing, I see.
PENITENT
[aside] No, by my faith, they’re hatched. They cost you an angel, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Look to her, good Master Doctor, let her want nothing. I’ve given her enough already. Ha, ha, ha! Exit
COURTESAN
So, is he gone?
PENITENT
He’s like himself, gone.
COURTESAN
[indicating the gold] Here’s somewhat to set up with. How soon he took occasion to slip into his own flattery, soothing his own defects. He only fears he has done that deed which I ne’er feared to come from him in my life. This purchase came unlooked for.
PENITENT
Hist, the pair of sons and heirs.
COURTESAN
O, they’re welcome, they bring money.
Enter Master Inesse [with blood on his collar] and Master Possibility
POSSIBILITY
Master Doctor.
PENITENT
I come to you, gentlemen.
POSSIBILITY
How does she now?
PENITENT
Faith, much after one fashion, sir.
INESSE
There’s hope of life, sir?
PENITENT
I see no signs of death of her.
POSSIBILITY
That’s some comfort. Will she take anything yet?
PENITENT
Yes, yes, yes, she’ll take still. Sh’as a kind of facility in taking. How comes your band bloody, sir?
INESSE
You may see I met with a scab, sir.
PENITENT
Diversa genera scabierum, as Pliny reports: there are divers kinds of scabs.
INESSE
Pray, let’s hear ‘em, sir.
PENITENT
An itching scab, that is your harlot. A sore scab, your usurer. A running, your promoter. A broad scab, your intelligencer. But a white scab, that’s a scald knave and a pander. But to speak truth, the only scabs we are nowadays troubled withal are new officers.
INESSE
Why, now you come to mine, sir, for I’ll be sworn one of them was very busy about my head this morning, and he should be a scab by that, for they are ambitious and covet the head.
PENITENT
Why, you saw I derived him, sir.
INESSE
You physicians are mad gentlemen.
PENITENT
We physicians see the most sights of any men living. Your astronomers look upward into th’ air — we look downward into th’ body, and indeed we have power upward and downward.
INESSE
That you have, i’faith, sir.
POSSIBILITY
Lady, how cheer you now?
COURTESAN
The same woman still — [coughing] huh.
POSSIBILITY
That’s not good.
COURTESAN
Little alteration.
[Possibility gives her money]
Fie, fie, you have been too lavish, gentlemen.
INESSE
Puh, talk not of that, lady, thy health’s worth a million. Here, Master Doctor, spare for no cost.
[Giving him money]
POSSIBILITY
Look what you find there, sir.
COURTESAN
What do you mean, gentlemen? Put up, put up, you see I’m down and cannot strive with you. I would rule you else. You have me at advantage, but if ever I live, I will requite it deeply.
INESSE
Tut, an’t come to that once, we’ll requite ourselves well enough.
POSSIBILITY
Mistress Harebrain, lady, is setting forth to visit you too.
COURTESAN
Hal — huh!
PENITENT
[aside] There struck the minute that brings forth the birth of all my joys and wishes. But see the jar now: how shall I rid these from her?
COURTESAN
Pray, gentlemen, stay not above an hour from my sight.
INESSE
‘Sfoot, we are not going, lady.
PENITENT
[aside] Subtly brought about, yet ‘twill not do, they’ll stick by’t. [To them] A word with you, gentlemen.
INESSE
and POSSIBILITY What says Master Doctor?
PENITENT
She wants but settling of her sense with rest. One hour’s sleep, gentlemen, would set all parts in tune.
POSSIBILITY
He says truth, i’faith.
INESSE
Get her to sleep, Master Doctor. We’ll both sit here and watch by her.
PENITENT
[aside] Hell’s angels watch you! No art can prevail with ‘em. What with the thought of joys and sight of crosses, my wits are at Hercules’ Pillars, non plus ultra.
COURTESAN
Master Doctor, Master Doctor!
PENITENT
Here, lady.
COURTESAN
Your physic works! Lend me your hand!
[Penitent supplies a chamber-pot. She feigns farting and excreting]
POSSIBILITY
Farewell, sweet lady.
INESSE
Adieu, Master Doctor.
[Exeunt Inesse and Possibility]
COURTESAN
SO.
PENITENT
Let me admire thee.
The wit of man wanes and decreases soon,
But women’s wit is ever at full moon.
Enter Wife
There shot a star from heaven.
I dare not yet behold my happiness,
The splendour is so glorious and so piercing.
COURTESAN
Mistress Harebrain, give my wit thanks hereafter. Your wishes are in sight, your opportunity spacious.
WIFE
Will you but hear a word from me?
COURTESAN
Whooh!
WIFE
My husband himself brought me to th’ door, walks below for my return. Jealousy is prick-eared, and will hear the wagging of a hair.
COURTESAN
Pish, you’re a faint liver. Trust yourself with your pleasure and me with your security. Go.
PENITENT
The fullness of my wish!
WIFE
Of my desire!
PENITENT
Beyond this sphere I never will aspire!
Exeunt [Penitent and Wife]
Enter Master Harebrain [apart,] listening
HAREBRAIN
I’ll listen. Now the flesh draws nigh her end,
At such a time women exchange their secrets
And ransack the close corners of their hearts.
What many years hath whelmed, this hour imparts.
COURTESAN
[feigning to address Wife] Pray sit down, there’s a low stool. Good Mistress Harebrain, this was kindly done — huh! — give me your hand — huh! Alas, how cold you are. E’en so is your husband, that worthy wise gentleman, as comfortable a man to woman in my case as ever trod — huh! — shoe leather. Love him, honour him, stick by him. He lets you want nothing that’s fit for a woman, and to be sure on’t, he will see himself that you want it not.
HAREBRAIN
And so I do, i’faith, ’tis right my humour.
COURTESAN
You live a lady’s life with him, go where you will, ride when you will, and do what you will.
HAREBRAIN
Not so, not so, neither, she’s better looked to.
COURTESAN
I know you do, you need not tell me that. ‘Twere e’en pity of your life, i’faith, if ever you should wrong such an innocent gentleman. Fie, Mistress Harebrain, what do you mean? Come you to discomfort me? Nothing but weeping with you?
HAREBRAIN
She’s weeping, ‘t’as made her weep. My wife shows her good nature already.
COURTESAN
Still, still weeping? Huff, huff, huff, why how now, woman? Hey, hy, hy, for shame, leave! Suh, suh, she cannot answer me for snobbing.
HAREBRAIN
All this does her good, beshrew my heart, and I pity her. Let her shed tears till morning, I’ll stay for her. She shall have enough on’t by my good will, I’ll not be her hindrance.
COURTESAN
O no, lay your hand here, Mistress Harebrain.
Ay there, o there, there lies my pain, good gentlewoman. Sore? O ay, I can scarce endure your hand upon’t.
HAREBRAIN
Poor soul, how she’s tormented.
COURTESAN
Yes, yes, I eat a cullis an hour since.
HAREBRAIN
There’s some comfort in that yet; she may ‘scape it.
COURTESAN
O, it lies about my heart much.
HAREBRAIN
I’m sorry for that, i’faith; she’ll hardly ‘scape it.
COURTESAN
Bound? No, no, I’d a very comfortable stool this morning.
HAREBRAIN
I’m glad of that i’faith, that’s a good sign. I smell she’ll ‘scape it now.
COURTESAN
Will you be going then?
HAREBRAIN
Fall back, she’s coming.
COURTESAN
Thanks, good Mistress Harebrain, Welcome, sweet Mistress Harebrain. Pray commend me to the good gentleman your husband.
HAREBRAIN
I could do that myself now.
COURTESAN
And to my Uncle Winchcomb, and to my Aunt Lipsalve, and to my Cousin Falsetop, and to my Cousin Lickit, and to my Cousin Horseman, and to all my good cousins in Clerkenwell and Saint John’s.
Enter Wife with Master Penitent
WIFE
At three days’ end my husband takes a journey.
PENITENT
O, thence I derive a second meeting.
WIFE
May it prosper still.
Till then I rest a captive to his will. Once again, health, rest and strength to thee, sweet lady. Farewell, you witty squall. Good Master Doctor, have a care to her body if you stand her friend. I know you can do her good.
COURTESAN
Take pity of your waiter, go. Farewell, sweet
Mistress Harebrain. [Exit]
HAREBRAIN
[coming forward] Welcome, sweet wife, alight upon my lip. [Kissing her] Never was hour spent better.
WIFE
Why, were you within the hearing, sir?
HAREBRAIN
Ay, that I was i’faith, to my great comfort.
I deceived you there, wife, ha, ha!
I do entreat thee, nay, conjure thee, wife,
Upon my love, or what can more be said,
Oftener to visit this sick virtuous maid.
WIFE
Be not so fierce. Your will shall be obeyed.
HAREBRAIN
Why then I see thou lov’st me.
Exeunt [the Harebrains]
PENITENT
Art of ladies!
When plots are e’en past hope and hang their head,
Set with a woman’s hand, they thrive and spread.
Exit
Enter Follywit with Lieutenant Mawworm, Ensign
Oboe, and the rest of his consorts
FOLLYWIT
Was’t not well managed, you necessary mischiefs? Did the plot want either life or art?
LIEUTENANT
’Twas so well, captain, I would you could make such another muss at all adventures.
FOLLYWIT
Dost call’t a muss? I am sure my grandsire ne’er got his money worse in his life than I got it from him. If ever he did cozen the simple, why, I was born to revenge their quarrel. If ever oppress the widow, I a fatherless child have done as much for him. And so ’tis through the world either in jest or earnest. Let the usurer look for’t, for craft recoils in the end like an overcharged musket, and maims the very hand that puts fire to’t. There needs no more but a usurer’s own blow to strike him from hence to hell— ‘twill set him forward with a vengeance. But here lay the jest, whoresons: my grandsire, thinking in his conscience that we had not robbed him enough o’ernight, must needs pity me i’th’ morning and give me the rest.
LIEUTENANT
Two hundred pounds in fair rose-nobles, I protest.
FOLLYWIT
Push! I knew he could not sleep quietly till he had paid me for robbing of him too. ’Tis his humour and the humour of most of your rich men in the course of their lives, for you know, They always feast those mouths that are least needy,
And give them more that have too much already.
And what call you that but robbing of themselves a courtlier way? O!
LIEUTENANT
Cuds me, how now, captain?
FOLLYWIT
A cold fit that comes over my memory and has a shrewd pull at my fortunes.
LIEUTENANT
What’s that, sir?
FOLLYWIT
Is it for certain, lieutenant, that my grandsire keeps an uncertain creature, a quean?
LIEUTENANT
Ay, that’s too true, sir.
FOLLYWIT
SO much the more preposterous for me. I shall hop shorter by that trick. She carries away the thirds at least. ‘Twill prove entailed land, I am afraid, when all’s done, i’faith. Nay, I have known a vicious old thought-acting father,
Damned only in his dreams, thirsting for game,
When his best parts hung down their heads for shame,
For his blanched harlot dispossess his son,
And make the pox his heir— ’twas gravely done.
How hadst thou first knowledge on’t, lieutenant?
LIEUTENANT
Faith, from discourse, yet all the policy
That I could use, I could not get her name.
FOLLYWIT
Dull slave that ne’er couldst spy it.
LIEUTENANT
But the manner of her coming was described to me.
FOLLYWIT
How is the manner, prithee?
LIEUTENANT
Marry, sir, she comes, most commonly, coached.
FOLLYWIT
Most commonly coached indeed, for coaches are as common nowadays as some that ride in ‘em. She comes most commonly coached —
LIEUTENANT
True, there I left, sir: guarded with some leash of pimps.
FOLLYWIT
Beside the coachman?
LIEUTENANT
Right, sir. Then alighting, she’s privately received by Master Gunwater.
FOLLYWIT
That’s my grandsire’s chief gentleman i’th’ chain of gold. That he should live to be a pander and yet look upon his chain and his velvet jacket!
LIEUTENANT
Then is your grandsire rounded i’th’ ear, the key given after the Italian fashion, backward, she closely conveyed into his closet, there remaining till either opportunity smile upon his credit, or he send down some hot caudle to take order in his performance.
FOLLYWIT
Peace, ’tis mine own, i’faith — I ha’t!
LIEUTENANT
How now, sir?
FOLLYWIT
Thanks, thanks to any spirit
That mingled it ‘mongst my inventions.
ENSIGN
Why, Master Follywit!
ALL
Captain!
FOLLYWIT
Give me scope and hear me.
I have begot that means which will both furnish me
And make that quean walk under his conceit.
LIEUTENANT
That were double happiness, to put thyself into money and her out of favour.
FOLLYWIT
And all at one dealing!
ENSIGN
‘Sfoot, I long to see that hand played.
FOLLYWIT
And thou shalt see’t quickly, i’faith. Nay, ’tis in grain, I warrant it hold colour. Lieutenant, step behind you hanging. If I mistook not at my entrance, there hangs the lower part of a gentlewoman’s gown, with a mask and a chin-clout. Bring all this way. Nay, but do’t cunningly now: ’tis a friend’s house, and I’d use it so. There’s a taste for you. [Exit Lieutenant]
ENSIGN
But prithee, what wilt thou do with a gentlewoman’s lower part?
FOLLYWIT
Why, use it.
ENSIGN
You’ve answered me indeed in that. I can demand no farther.
[Re-enter Lieutenant with women’s garments]
FOLLYWIT
Well said. Lieutenant —
LIEUTENANT
What will you do now, sir?
FOLLYWIT
Come, come, thou shalt see a woman quickly made up here.
LIEUTENANT
But that’s against kind, captain, for they are always long a-making ready.
FOLLYWIT
And is not most they do against kind, I prithee? To lie with their horsekeeper, is not that against kind? To wear half-moons made of another’s hair, is not that against kind? To drink down a man — she that should set him up — pray, is not that monstrously against kind now? [Lieutenant holds out skirt for Follywit] Nay, over with it, lieutenant, over with it. Ever while you live, put a woman’s clothes over her head. Cupid plays best at blindman buff.
LIEUTENANT
[putting skirt over Follywit’s head] You shall have your will, maintenance. I love mad tricks as well as you, for your heart, sir. But what shift will you make for upper bodice, captain?
FOLLYWIT
[settling skirt at his waist] I see now thou’rt an ass. Why, I’m ready.
LIEUTENANT
Ready?
FOLLYWIT
Why, the doublet serves as well as the best and is most in fashion. We’re all male to th’ middle, mankind from the beaver to th’ burn. ’Tis an Amazonian time — you shall have women shortly tread their husbands. I should have a couple of locks behind. Prithee, lieutenant, find ‘em out for me and wind ‘em about my hatband. Nay, you shall see, we’ll be in fashion to a hair, and become all with probability. The most musty-visage critic shall not except against me.
LIEUTENANT
[arranging Follywit’s hair] Nay, I’ll give thee thy due behind thy back. Thou art as mad a piece of clay —
FOLLYWIT
Clay! Dost call thy captain clay? Indeed, clay was made to stop holes, he says true. Did not I tell you rascals you should see a woman quickly made up?
ENSIGN
I’ll swear for’t, captain.
FOLLYWIT
Come, come, my mask and my chin-clout — come into th’ court.
LIEUTENANT
Nay, they were both i’th’ court long ago, sir.
FOLLYWIT
Let me see, where shall I choose two or three for pimps now? But I cannot choose amiss amongst you all, that’s the best. Well, as I am a quean, you were best have a care of me and guard me sure. I give you warning beforehand, ’tis a monkey-tailed age.’ Life, you shall go nigh to have half a dozen blithe fellows surprise me cowardly, carry me away with a pair of oars, and put in at Putney!
LIEUTENANT
We should laugh at that, i’faith.
FOLLYWIT
Or shoot in upo’th’ coast of Kew!
LIEUTENANT
Two notable fit landing places for lechers, P and Q, Putney and Kew.
FOLLYWIT
Well, say you have fair warning on’t. The hair about the hat is as good as a flag upo’th’ pole at a common playhouse to waste company, and a chin-clout is of that powerful attraction, I can tell you, ‘twill draw more linen to’t.
LIEUTENANT
Fear not us, captain, there’s none here but can fight for a whore as well as some Inns o’ Court man.
FOLLYWIT
Why, then, set forward, and as you scorn two-shilling brothel,
Twelve-penny panderism, and such base bribes,
Guard me from bonny scribs and bony scribes.
LIEUTENANT
Hang ‘em, pensions and allowances, fourpence halfpenny a meal, hang ‘em. Exeunt
Finit Actus Tertius