Enter busily Sir Bounteous Progress [with Gunwater, Servants] for the feast
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Have a care, bluecoats. Bestir yourself,
Master Gunwater, cast an eye into th’ kitchen, o’erlook the knaves a little. [Exit Gunwater]
Every Jack has his friend today — this cousin and that cousin puts in for a dish of meat — a man knows not till he make a feast how many varlets he feeds.
Acquaintances swarm in every comer, like flies at
Bartholomewtide that come up with drovers.’Sfoot, I think they smell my kitchen seven mile about.
[Enter Master Shortrod Harebrain, Wife, and
Master Penitent Brothel]
Master Shortrod and his sweet bedfellow, you’re very copiously welcome.
HAREBRAIN
[presenting Penitent] Sir, here’s an especial dear friend of ours. We were bold to make his way to your table.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Thanks for that boldness ever, good Master
Shortrod. Is this your friend, sir?
HAREBRAIN
Both my wife’s friend and mine, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Why then compendiously, sir, you’re welcome.
PENITENT
In octavo I thank you, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Excellently retorted, i’faith, he’s welcome for’s wit. I have my sorts of salutes and know how to place ‘em courtly. Walk in, sweet gentlemen, walk in. There’s a good fire i’th’ hall. You shall have my sweet company instantly.
HAREBRAIN
Ay, good Sir Bounteous.
[Exeunt the Harebrains and Penitent]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
You shall indeed, gentlemen.
Enter Servus [clumsily]
How now, what news brings thee in stumbling now?
SERVUS
There are certain players come to town, sir, and desire to interlude before your worship.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Players? By the mass, they are welcome, they’ll grace my entertainment well. But for ‘certain’ players, there thou best, boy. They were never more uncertain in their lives, now up and now down. They know not when to play, where to play, nor what to play: not when to play for fearful fools, where to play for Puritan fools, nor what to play for critical fools. Go call ‘em in. [Exit Servant]
How fitly the whoresons come upo’th’ feast. Troth, I was e’en wishing for ‘em.
[Re-enter Servant with Follywit, Lieutenant, and their comrades disguised as players]
O welcome, welcome, my friends.
FOLLYWIT
The month of May delights not in her flowers
More than we joy in that sweet sight of yours.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Well acted, o’ my credit. I perceive he’s your best actor.
LIEUTENANT
He has greatest share, sir, and may live of himself, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
[to Follywit, who is removing his hat] What, what? Put on your hat, sir, pray put on. Go to, wealth must be respected; let those that have least feathers stand bare. And whose men are you, I pray? Nay, keep on your hat still.
FOLLYWIT
We serve my Lord Owemuch, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
My Lord Owemuch, by my troth, the welcomest men alive! Give me all your hands at once. That honourable gentleman? He lay at my house in a robbery once and took all quietly, went away cheerfully. I made a very good feast for him. I never saw a man of honour bear things bravelier away. Serve my Lord Owemuch? Welcome, i’faith. [To servant] Some bastard for my lord’s players! [Exit Servant] Where be your boys?
FOLLYWIT
They come along with the wagon, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Good, good. And which is your politician amongst you? Now, i’faith, he that works out restraints, makes best legs at court, and has a suit made of purpose for the company’s business, which is he? Come, be not afraid of him.
FOLLYWIT
I am he, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Art thou he? Give me thy hand. Hark in thine ear, thou rollest too fast to gather so much moss as thy fellow there — champ upon that, ah! And what play shall we have, my masters?
FOLLYWIT
A pleasant witty comedy, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, ay, ay, a comedy in any case, that I and my guests may laugh a little. What’s the name on’t?
FOLLYWIT
’Tis called The Slip.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
The Slip? By my troth, a pretty name and a glib one. Go all and slip into’t, as fast as you can. [To Servant] Cover a table for the players. [Exit Servant]
First take heed of a lurcher: he cuts deep, he will eat up all from you. [Calling off] Some sherry for my lord’s players there! Sirrah, why this will be a true feast, a right Mitre supper, a play and all.
[Exeunt Follywit and his comrades]
More lights!
Enter Mother and Courtesan
I called for light — here come in two are light enough for a whole house, i’faith. Dare the thief look me i’th’ face? O impudent times! Go to, dissemble it.
MOTHER
Bless you, Sir Bounteous.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O welcome, welcome, thief, quean, and bawd, welcome all three.
MOTHER
Nay, here’s but two on’s, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
[indicating Courtesan] O’ my troth, I took her for a couple. I’d have sworn there had been two faces there.
MOTHER
Not all under one hood, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Yes, faith, would I, to see mine eyes bear double.
MOTHER
I’ll make it hold, sir, my daughter is a couple.
She was married yesterday.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Buz.
MOTHER
Nay, to no buzzard neither; a right hawk
Whene’er you know him.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Away, he cannot be but a rascal.
Walk in, walk in, bold guests that come unsent for.
[Exit Mother] a brooch and giving it] Here, here, here, make this jewel serve for once.
FOLLYWIT
O, this will serve, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
What, have you all now?
FOLLYWIT
All now, sir — only Time is brought i’th’ middle of the play, and I would desire your worship’s watch for Time.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
My watch? With all my heart, only give
Time a charge that he be not fiddling with it.
[Giving watch]
FOLLYWIT
You shall ne’er see that, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Well, now you are furnished, sir, make haste away. [Exit]
FOLLYWIT
E’en as fast as I can, sir. — I’ll set my fellows going first. They must have time and leisure or they’re dull else. I’ll stay and speak a prologue, yet o’ertake them. I cannot have conscience, i’faith, to go away and speak ne’er a word to ‘em. My grandsire has given me three shares here. Sure I’ll do somewhat for ‘em. Exit
Enter Sir Bounteous and all the guests [Harebrain,
Wife, Penitent, Courtesan, Mother, and Servants]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
More lights, more stools, sit, sit, the play begins.
[Servants provide candles and stools. The guests sit]
HAREBRAIN
Have you players here, Sir Bounteous?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
We have ‘em for you, sir, fine nimble comedians, proper actors most of them.
PENITENT
Whose men, I pray you, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O, there’s their credit, sir. They serve an honourable popular gentleman, yclept my Lord Owemuch.
HAREBRAIN
My Lord Owemuch? He was in Ireland lately.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O, you ne’er knew any of the name but were great travellers.
HAREBRAIN
How is the comedy called, Sir Bounteous?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Marry, sir, The Slip.
HAREBRAIN
The Slip?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, and here the Prologue begins to slip in upon’s.
HAREBRAIN
’Tis so, indeed, Sir Bounteous.
Enter for a Prologue, Follywit
Prologue
FOLLYWIT
We sing of wandering knights, what them betide
Who nor in one place nor one shape abide.
They’re here now, and anon no scouts can reach ‘em,
Being every man well horsed like a bold Beacham.
The play which we present no fault shall meet
But one: you’ll say ’tis short, we’ll say ’tis sweet.
’Tis given much to dumbshows, which some praise,
And like the Term delights much in delays.
So to conclude and give the name her due,
The play being called The Slip, I vanish too. Exit
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Excellently well acted and a nimble conceit.
HAREBRAIN
The Prologue’s pretty, i’faith.
PENITENT
And went off well.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, that’s the grace of all, when they go away well, ah.
COURTESAN
[aside] O’ my troth, an I were not married, I could find in my heart to fall in love with that player now, and send for him to a supper. I know some i’th’ town that have done as much, and there took such a good conceit of their parts into th’ twopenny room, that the actors have been found i’th’ morning in a less compass than their stage, though ‘twere ne’er so full of gentlemen.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
But, passion of me, where be these knaves?
Will they not come away? Methinks they stay very long.
PENITENT
O, you must bear a little, sir, they have many shifts to run into.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
‘Shifts’ call you ‘em? They’re horrible long things.
Follywit returns in a fury [with the chain]
FOLLYWIT
[aside] A pox of such fortune, the plot’s betrayed!
All will come out. Yonder they come taken upon suspicion and brought back by a constable. I was accurst to hold society with such coxcombs. What’s to be done? f shall be shamed forever, my wife here and all. Ah, pox — by light, happily thought upon, the chain! Invention, stick to me this once, and fail me ever hereafter. So, so —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
‘Life, I say, where be these players? O, are you come? Troth, it’s time, I was e’en sending for you.
HAREBRAIN
How moodily he walks. What plays he, trow?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
A Justice, upon my credit. I know by the chain there.
FOLLYWIT
[improvising as a Justice]
Unfortunate Justice!
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ah, ah, ah —
FOLLYWIT
In thy kin unfortunate.
Here comes thy nephew now upon suspicion,
Brought by a constable before thee, his vile associates with him,
But so disguised none knows him but myself.
Twice have I set him free from officers’ fangs,
And for his sake his fellows. Let him look to’t.
My conscience will permit but one wink more.
[He sits]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Yea, shall we take justice winking?
FOLLYWIT
For this time,
I have bethought a means to work thy freedom,
Though hazarding myself. Should the law seize him,
Being kin to me, ’twould blemish much my name.
No, I’d rather lean to danger than to shame.
Enter Constable with [neighbours, bringing in
Lieutenant, Ensign and others of Follywit’s comrades]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
A very explete Justice.
CONSTABLE
[to neighbours] Thank you good neighbours, let me alone with ‘em now. [Exeunt neighbours]
LIEUTENANT
[noticing Follywit]’Sfoot, who’s yonder?
ENSIGN
Dare he sit there?
THIRD COMRADE Follywit!
FOURTH COMRADE Captain! Puh!
FOLLYWIT
[as Justice] How now, Constable, what news with thee?
CONSTABLE
[to Sir Bounteous] May it please your worship, sir, here are a company of auspicious fellows.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
To me? Puh — turn to the Justice, you whoreson hobby-horse. [To guests] This is some new player now. They put all their fools to the constable’s part still.
FOLLYWIT
What’s the matter, Constable, what’s the matter?
CONSTABLE
[to Follywit] I have nothing to say to your worship. [To Sir Bounteous] They were all riding a horseback, an’t please your worship.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Yet again? A pox of all asses still, they could not ride afoot unless ‘twere in a bawdy-house.
CONSTABLE
The ostler told me they were all unstable fellows, sir.
FOLLYWIT
Why, sure, the fellow’s drunk.
LIEUTENANT
[as the Justice’s Nephew] We spied that weakness in him long ago, sir. Your worship must bear with him, the man’s much o’erseen. Only in respect of his office we obeyed him, both to appear conformable to law and clear of all offence, for I protest, sir, he found us but a-horseback.
FOLLYWIT
What, he did?
LIEUTENANT
As I have a soul, that’s all, and all he can lay to us.
CONSTABLE
I’faith, you were not all riding away then?
LIEUTENANT
‘Sfoot, being a-horseback, sir, that must needs follow.
FOLLYWIT
Why, true, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Well said, Justice. [To guests] He helps his kinsman well.
FOLLYWIT
Why, sirrah, do you use to bring gentlemen before us for riding away? What, will you have ‘em stand still when they’re up, like Smug upo’th’ white horse yonder? Are your wits steeped? I’ll make you an example for all dizzy constables, how they abuse justice. [Rising] Here, bind him to this chair.
CONSTABLE
Ha, bind him? Ho!
FOLLYWIT
If you want cords, use garters.
CONSTABLE
Help, help, gentlemen!
LIEUTENANT
[binding Constable to chair] As fast as we can, sir.
CONSTABLE
Thieves, thieves!
FOLLYWIT
A gag will help all this. Keep less noise, you knave.
CONSTABLE
O help, rescue the Constable! O, O!
[They gag him]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
HO, ho, ho ho!
FOLLYWIT
Why la, you, who lets you now?
You may ride quietly. I’ll see you to
Take horse myself. I have nothing else to do.
Exit [with Lieutenant, Ensign, and comrades]
CONSTABLE
[tries to talk through gag] O, O, O!
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ha, ha, ha! By my troth, the maddest piece of justice that ever was committed.
HAREBRAIN
I’ll be sworn for the madness on’t, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
I am deceived if this prove not a merry comedy and a witty.
PENITENT
Alas, poor Constable, his mouth’s open and ne’er a wise word.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Faith, he speaks now e’en as many as he has done: he seems wisest when he gapes and says nothing. Ha, ha, he turns and tells his tale to me like an ass. What have I to do with their riding away? They may ride for me, thou whoreson coxcomb, thou. Nay, thou art well enough served, i’faith.
PENITENT
But what follows all this while, sir? Methinks some should pass by before this time and pity the Constable.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
By th’ mass, and you say true, sir. [To Servant] Go, sirrah, step in. I think they have forgot themselves. Call the knaves away. They’re in a wood, I believe. [Exit Servant]
CONSTABLE
Ay, ay, ay.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Hark, the Constable says, ‘Ay, they’re in a wood’, — ha, ha!
HAREBRAIN
He thinks long of the time, Sir Bounteous.
[Enter Servant]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
HOW now? When come they?
SERVANT
Alas, an’t please your worship, there’s not one of them to be found, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
HOW?
HAREBRAIN
What says the fellow?
SERVANT
Neither horse nor man, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Body of me, thou liest.
SERVANT
Not a hair of either, sir.
HAREBRAIN
How now, Sir Bounteous?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Cheated and defeated! Ungag that rascal!
I’ll hang him for’s fellows. I’ll make him bring ‘em out.
[Servant ungags Constable]
CONSTABLE
Did not I tell your worship this before, brought ‘em before you for suspected persons, stayed ‘em at town’s end upon warning given, made signs that my very jawbone aches? Your worship would not hear me, called me ass (saving your worship’s presence), laughed at me.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ha?
HAREBRAIN
I begin to taste it.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Give me leave, give me leave. Why, art not thou the Constable i’th’ comedy?
CONSTABLE
I’th’ comedy? Why, I am the Constable i’th’ commonwealth, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
I am gulled, i’faith, I am gulled. When wast thou chose?
CONSTABLE
On Thursday last, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
A pox go with’t, there’t goes.
PENITENT
I seldom heard jest match it.
HAREBRAIN
Nor I, i’faith.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Gentlemen, shall I entreat a courtesy?
HAREBRAIN
What is’t, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Do not laugh at me seven year hence.
PENITENT
We should betray and laugh at our own folly then, for of my troth none here but was deceived in’t.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Faith, that’s some comfort yet. Ha, ha, it was featly carried! Troth, I commend their wits! Before our faces, make us asses while we sit still and only laugh at ourselves.
PENITENT
Faith, they were some counterfeit rogues, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Why, they confess so much themselves. They said they’d play The Slip. They should be men of their words. I hope the Justice will have more conscience, i’faith, than to carry away a chain of a hundred mark of that fashion.
HAREBRAIN
What, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ay, by my troth, sir, besides a jewel, and a jewel’s fellow, a good fair watch that hung about my neck, sir.
HAREBRAIN
‘Sfoot, what did you mean, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Methinks my Lord Owemuch’s players should not scorn me so, i’faith. They will come and bring all again, I know. Push! They will, i’faith, but a jest, certainly.
Enter Follywit in his own shape, and all the rest
[Lieutenant, Ensign, and comrades]
FOLLYWIT
[kneels] Pray, grandsire, give me your blessing.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Who? Son Follywit?
FOLLYWIT
[aside] This shows like kneeling after the play, I praying for my Lord Owemuch and his good countess, our honourable lady and mistress.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Rise richer by a blessing — thou art welcome.
FOLLYWIT
Thanks, good grandsire.
[He rises and presents comrades]
I was bold to bring those gentlemen, my friends.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
They’re all welcome. Salute you that side, and I’ll welcome this side.
[He greets Follywit’s comrades while Follywit greets Sir Bounteous’s guests]
Sir, to begin with you. [Greeting Lieutenant]
HAREBRAIN
Master Follywit. [Greeting him]
FOLLYWIT
I am glad ’tis our fortune so happily to meet, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Nay, then, you know me not, sir.
[Greeting Ensign]
FOLLYWIT
Sweet Mistress Harebrain. [Greeting her]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
You cannot be too bold, sir.
[Greeting another comrade]
FOLLYWIT
[aside to Courtesan] Our marriage known?
COURTESAN
[aside to him] Not a word yet.
FOLLYWIT
[aside to her] The better.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Faith, son, would you had come sooner with these gentlemen.
FOLLYWIT
Why, grandsire?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
We had a play here.
FOLLYWIT
A play, sir? No.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Yes, faith. A pox o’th’ author!
FOLLYWIT
Bless us all! Why, were they such vile ones, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
I am sure, villainous ones, sir.
FOLLYWIT
Some raw simple fools.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Nay, by th’ mass, these were enough for thievish knaves.
FOLLYWIT
What, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Which way came you, gentlemen? You could not choose but meet ‘em.
FOLLYWIT
We met a company with hampers after ‘em.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
O, those were they, those were they! A pox hamper ‘em!
FOLLYWIT
Bless us all again!
SIR BOUNTEOUS
They have hampered me finely, sirrah.
FOLLYWIT HOW, sir?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
HOW, sir? I lent the rascals properties to furnish out their play, a chain, a jewel, and a watch, and they watched out their time and rid quite away with them.
FOLLYWIT
Are they such creatures?
[The watch rings in Follywit’s pocket]
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Hark, hark, gentlemen, by this light, the watch rings alarum in his pocket! There’s my watch come again, or the very cousin-german to’t.
[He confronts Follywit and the comrades]
Whose is’t, whose is’t? By th’ mass, ’tis he. Hast thou one, son? Prithee bestow it upon thy grandsire.
[Searching Follywit] I now look for mine again, i’faith.
Nay, come with a good will or not at all! I’ll give thee a better thing. [Groping in his pocket] A piece, a piece, gentlemen!
HAREBRAIN
Great or small?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
[Pulling out the stolen articles] At once I have drawn chain, jewel, watch, and all!
PENITENT
By my faith, you have a fortunate hand, sir.
HAREBRAIN
Nay, all to come at once.
LIEUTENANT
A vengeance of this foolery!
FOLLYWIT
Have I ‘scaped the Constable to be brought in by the watch?
COURTESAN
O destiny! Have I married a thief, mother?
MOTHER
Comfort thyself. Thou art beforehand with him, daughter.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Why son, why gentlemen, how long have you been my Lord Owemuch his servants, i’faith?
FOLLYWIT
Faith, grandsire, shall I be true to you?
SIR BOUNTEOUS
I think ’tis time. Thou’st been a thief already.
FOLLYWIT
I, knowing the day of your feast and the natural inclination you have to pleasure and pastime, presumed upon your patience for a jest, as well to prolong your days as —
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Whoop, why then, you took my chain along with you to prolong my days, did you?
FOLLYWIT
Not so neither, sir, and that you may be seriously assured of my hereafter stableness of life, I have took another course.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
What?
FOLLYWIT
Took a wife.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
A wife? ‘Sfoot, what is she for a fool would marry thee, a madman? When was the wedding kept in Bedlam?
FOLLYWIT
She’s both a gentlewoman and a virgin.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Stop there, stop there! Would I might see her!
FOLLYWIT
[indicating Courtesan] You have your wish. She’s here.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Ah, ha, ha, ha! This makes amends for all.
FOLLYWIT
How now?
LIEUTENANT
Captain, do you hear? Is she your wife in earnest?
FOLLYWIT
How then?
LIEUTENANT
Nothing but pity you, sir.
SIR BOUNTEOUS Speak, son, is’t true?
Can you gull us and let a quean gull you?
FOLLYWIT
Ha!
COURTESAN
What I have been is past. Be that forgiven,
And have a soul true both to thee and heaven.
FOLLYWIT
Is’t come about? Tricks are repaid, I see.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
The best is, sirrah, you pledge none but me.
And since I drink the top, take her and hark,
I spice the bottom with a thousand mark.
FOLLYWIT
By my troth, she is as good a cup of nectar as any bachelor needs to sip at.
Tut, give me gold, it makes amends for vice.
Maids without coin are caudles without spice.
SIR BOUNTEOUS
Come, gentlemen, to th’ feast, let not time waste.
We have pleased our ear, now let us please our taste.
Who lives by cunning, mark it, his fate’s cast:
When he has gulled all, then is himself the last.
Exeunt
Finis