A street before the meeting-house of the Family of Love.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, Shrimp and Periwinkle.
GUDGEON
Come boys, our clothes, boys; and what is the most current news, Periwinkle?
PERIWINKLE
Faith, sir, fortune hath favoured us with no news but what the pedlar brought from Norfolk.
LIPSALVE
Is there nothing stirring at court, Shrimp?
SHRIMP
Faith, there is, sir, but nothing new.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Good wag, faith, thou smellest somewhat of a courtier, though thy mother was a citizen’s wife. Off with that filthy great band, nay, quick; on with your robe of sanctity, nay, suddenly, man.
[Lipsalve and Gudgeon don Puritanical robes.]
GUDGEON
And why must we shift ourselves into this demure habit, if impossible to be of the Family and keep our own fashion?
LIPSALVE
Tut, man, the name of a gallant is more hateful to them than the sight of a corner-cap. Hadst thou heard the protestations the wife of a bellows-mender made but yesternight against gallants, thou hadst for ever abjured crimson breeches. She swore that all gallants were persons inferior to bellows-menders, for the trade of bellows-making was very aerial and high; and what were men and women but bellows, for they take wind in at one place and do evaporate at another; evaporate was her very phrase.
GUDGEON
Methinks, her phrase flew with somewhat too strong a vapour.
LIPSALVE
Nay, she proves farther, that all men receive their being chiefly from bellows, without which the fire burns not; without fire the pot seethes not; the pot not seething, powdered beef is not to be eaten; of which she then averred our nation was a great devourer, and without which they could neither fight for their country abroad, nor get children at home; for, said she, powdered beef is a great joiner of nerves together.
GUDGEON
What answer madest thou?
LIPSALVE
Marry, that I thought a bawd was a greater joiner of nerves together than powdered beef; with that she protested that a bawd was an instrument of the devil, and as she had proved that bellows-makers were of God’s trade, so bawds were of the devil’s trade: for (and thereupon she blew her nose) the devil and bawds did both live by the sins of the people.
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
No more; Mistress Purge is at hand.
LIPSALVE
Vanish boys, away. Make haste; before Jove, she’ll be with us ere we can be provided for her.
[Exeunt Shrimp and Periwinkle.] Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.
MISTRESS PURGE
Advance your link, Club. At what time wert thou bound, Club? At Guttide, Hollantide or Candletide?
CLUB
I was bound indeed about midsummer.
MISTRESS PURGE
And when hath thy prenticeship end? At Michaeltide next?
CLUB
So I take it.
MISTRESS PURGE
They say, Club, you fall very heavy on such you love not; you never learnt that of me.
CLUB
Indeed, mistress, I must confess my falling is rustic, gross and butcher-like; marry, yours is a pretty, foolish, light, [courtlike] falling. Yet believe me, my master smells somewhat too gross of the purgation; he wants tutoring.
MISTRESS PURGE
And why, I pray?
CLUB
My master being set last night in his shop, comes Master Doctor Glister, as his manner is, squirting in suddenly; and after some conference, tells my master that by his own knowledge you were young with child; to which my master replied: “Why, Master Doctor, will you put me to more charges yet?”
MISTRESS PURGE
Thou art a fool, in that my husband spake as wisely as if the master of his company had spoke. He knows doctors have receipts for women, which makes them most apt to conceive; and he promising a’ had ministered the same lately to me, thereupon spake it. Lead on with your link.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Art ready ?
GUDGEON
[To Lipsalve] Ready.
LIPSALVE
[To Gudgeon] Then speak pitifully, look scurvily, and dissemble cunningly, and we shall quickly prove two of the Fraternity. — Benediction and sanctity, love and charity fall on Mistress Purge, Sister of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
And what, I pray, be you two?
LIPSALVE
Two newly converted from the rags of Christianity to become good members in the house of the Family.
MISTRESS PURGE
Who, I pray, converted you?
[GUDGEON]
Master Dryfat the merchant.
MISTRESS PURGE
And from what sins hath he converted you?
LIPSALVE
From two very notorious crimes; the first was from eating fish on Fridays, and the second from speaking reverently of the clergy. But a’ resolved us your talent in edifying young men went far beyond his.
Enter Purge[, hiding himself].
MISTRESS PURGE
A talent I have therein, I must confess, nor am I very nice at fit times to show it; for your better instructions, therefore, you must never hereafter frequent taverns nor tap-houses, no masques nor mummeries, no pastimes nor playhouses.
GUDGEON
Must we have no recreation?
MISTRESS PURGE
Yes, on the days which profane lips call holydays, you may take your spaniel and spend some hours at the ducking-pond.
LIPSALVE
What are we bound unto during the time we remain in the Family?
MISTRESS PURGE
During the light of the candle you are to be very attentive; which being extinguished, how to behave yourselves I will deliver in private whisper.
PURGE
[Aside] ’Tis now come to a whisper. What young Familists be these? I’faith, I’ll make one; I’ll trip you, wife; I scent your footing, wife.
For [Galen] writes, Paracelsus can tell,
Pothecaries have brains and noses eke to smell.
LIPSALVE
We shall with much diligence observe it.
PURGE
[Aside] I fear I shall have small cause to thank that diligence; but do your worst:
He that hath read [five] herbals in one year
Can find a trick which shall prevent this gear.
They are going; follow, Purge, close, close and softly, like a horsekeeper in a lady’s matted chamber at midnight.
Mistress Purge knocks.
WITHIN
Who knocks?
MISTRESS PURGE
Brethren and a Sister in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter in peace.
Exeunt Gudgeon, Lipsalve and Mistress Purge [and Club].
PURGE
Brethren and a Sister; that’s the word. How beastly was I mistaken last day: I should have said “A Brother in the Family” and I said “A Familiar Brother”; for which I and my family were thrust out of doors. But as Titus Silus of Holborn Bridge most learnedly was wont to say, “Q.d.”
He knocks.
WITHIN
Who’s there?
PURGE
A Brother in the Family.
WITHIN
Enter, and welcome.
Exit Purge.