A street.
Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, [Shrimp and Periwinkle].
LIPSALVE
Our hopes are cross’d; sure there’s some providence
Which countermands libidinous appetites,
For what we most intend is counter-check’d
By strange and unexpected accidents.
For by disguise procuring full access,
Nay, ready to have [seiz’d] th’ expected prize,
The candle out, steps ‘twix my hopes and me
Some pleasant groin, possess’d and full enjoy’d
That sweet for which our vigilant eyes have watch’d,
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.
GUDGEON
Upon my life, we are bewitched: the greasy rascal that first seized Mistress Purge, by the last reflection of the light, appeared to my sight not much unlike her husband.
LIPSALVE
The court’s gall, the city’s plague, and Europa’s sea-form be his perpetual crest, whate’er ‘a was. To lose Mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable. The like opportunity will never present itself.
GUDGEON
’Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a knave slip betwixt us both and take occasion by the foretop; but since these projects have had so star-cross events, let’s lay some plot how to revenge our late disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.
LIPSALVE
Agreed; but what melancholy sir with acrostic arms now comes from the Family?
Enter Purge.
GUDGEON
Purge the pothecary; I prithee, let’s step aside and hear the issue of this discontent.
[They retire with the two pages.]
PURGE
O, the misery of married men’s estate!
LIPSALVE
[Aside] ‘A begins very pitifully.
PURGE
O women, what are many of you?
LIPSALVE
[Aside] Why, disease to bachelors, and plagues to married men.
PURGE
O marriage, the rage of all our miseries! My wife is a dissembling strumpet.
GUDGEON
[Aside] So is many a man’s besides yours; and what of that?
PURGE
I would have a law that all such which pray little should instantly be married; for then would they pray continually, if it were but to be rid of their wives.
LIPSALVE
[Aside] This is a charitable request and surely would pass the Lower House.
PURGE
Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I cannot see how any married man can be damned; I have made myself a plain cuckold.
[GUDGEON]
[Aside] A pile on ye, want you? Had you not been so manable, here are some would have saved you that labour.
PURGE
What shall I do in this extremity? Had I but witness of the fact, I would make her answer it before authority. This is my wedding ring; ’tis it, I know it by the posy. This I took from her finger in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased; were not this, trow, a sufficient testimony? She knows not that it was myself got so near her; I will take counsel. Well, little know bachelors the miseries they undergo when they prostrate themselves to women.
LIPSALVE
[Coming forward with Gudgeon] O most true, Master Purge: little knows a man what elements ‘a is to pass, when ‘a puts his head under a woman’s girdle. Your passion, Master Purge, is overheard, and, plain tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife’s treachery, and if need be will be ready to depose as much.
PURGE
What, Master Lipsalve and Master Gudgeon, are you disguised testimonies?
Nay then, revenge look big! Elf and fairy
Help to revenge the wronged pothecary!
GUDGEON
Why, now ‘a speaks like himself; get me a paritor for her straight.
LIPSALVE
Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.
Enter Dryfat, and Gerardine [disguised as an apparitor].
PURGE
Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private let me disclose my intent.
GUDGEON
Off, boys.
[Purge, Lipsalve and Gudgeon retire.]
SHRIMP
What dost thou think of thy master? Is ‘a not a rare gull?
PERIWINKLE
I think ‘a will swallow and pocket more disgraces than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term. Thy master, my honest [Shrimp], comes not much short of a fool too, but that ‘a is a courtier.
SHRIMP
Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
[Shrimp and Periwinkle retire.]
GERARDINE
This shape of the crier must Club tomorrow assume. Are you fitted for Poppin the proctor?
DRYFAT
Excellent, and have spent some study in the mystical cases of venery. I can describe how often a man may lie with another man’s wife before ‘a come to the white sheet —
GERARDINE
How long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till ‘a be taken tardy; — how long all women-kind may by the statute profess and swear they are maids.
GERARDINE
And how long is that?
DRYFAT
Why, till their bellies be so big, that it cannot be no longer concealed; but come forward towards Glister’s.
LIPSALVE
It must be so. Let the summer tickle her; you shall bring in these allegations and let us alone to swear them. Who’s this? Master Dryfat? Opportunely met, sir; and whether so fast? The news, the news?
DRYFAT
Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I hear of Doctor Glister would come stale to your hearings.
LIPSALVE
O, the getting of his niece with child; tut, that’s apparently known to all the company. But, in the name of Jupiter, what art thou? Or from whence camest thou?
GERARDINE
Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the land.
GUDGEON
Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
GERARDINE
Of the devil’s trade; for I live as he does, by the sins of the people. In brief, sir, I am Placket the paritor.
LIPSALVE
As the devil would! We have, my noble paritor, instant employment for thee; a grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking, my little sumner; where’s thy quorum nomina, my honest Placket?
GERARDINE
Sir, according to the old ballad,
“My quorum nomina ready, have I,
With my pen and inkhorn hanging by.”
Her name, sir, her name?
GUDGEON
Is’t no more but so?
PURGE
I have most right to her name. Her name, Master Placket, is my wife, Mistress Purge, sir. To what place dost thou belong?
GERARDINE
To the commissioners which sit tomorrow at Master Dryfat’s upon the crimes of Doctor Glister and others.
LIPSALVE
Sits there a commission, Dryfat? Now for the love of lechery, let’s have Mistress Purge summoned thither.
GERARDINE
She makes my quorum nomina reasonable full. My grant, sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence: is not that your meaning?
PURGE
Yes, my honest paritor; here’s thy fee. [Gives him money.]
Enter Club and Mistress Purge.
GUDGEON
And see how happily it succeeds: Mistress Purge is new come from the Family. Let us step aside whilst Placket the paritor gives her a summons.
LIPSALVE
Content. To her, Placket, but see for the bribery of twelvepence you strike her not out of your quorum nomina.
GERARDINE
Fear not, sir.
MISTRESS PURGE
Forward apace, Club.
GERARDINE
Your name I take to be Mistress Purge, fair gentlewoman?
MISTRESS PURGE
I am Mistress Purge, Purge’s wife the pothecary; what of that?
DRYFAT
[Aside] Now you shall see him tickle her with a quorum nomina.
GERARDINE
I cite you by virtue of my quorum nomina to make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at Master Dryfat’s house, to answer to an accusation of a crime of concupiscence.
MISTRESS PURGE
To answer a crime of concupiscence? What’s that, I pray?
GERARDINE
Why, ’tis to answer a venereal crime, for having carnal copulation with other besides your husband.
MISTRESS PURGE
What are you, I pray?
GERARDINE
By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
MISTRESS PURGE
And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime? I tell thee, Placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee or any man else in any venereal crime they’ll put me to; and so tell your commissioners.
GERARDINE
If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall heavy.
MISTRESS PURGE
If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear it; and so set forward, Club.
Exeunt Club and Mistress Purge.
LIPSALVE
Excellent, i’faith. After your wife, Purge. Read, Placket, thy quorum nomina, my noble groat-monger.
Exit Purge.
GERARDINE
Silence. The first that marcheth in this fair rank is Th[r]um the feltmaker, for getting his maid with child and sending his prentice to Bridewell for the fact; Whip the beadle, for letting a punk escape for a night’s lodging and bribe of ten groats; Bat the bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailor’s stall at midnight, when ‘a should be performing his office.
GUDGEON
And Tipple the tapster, for deflowering a virgin in his cellar; Doctor Glister, his wife, Maria, Mistress Purge. These be the complete number.
LIPSALVE
Now dissolve, and each to his occasion till tomorrow morning.
Exeunt.