Another room in the Widow’s house
Enter Widow with her eldest daughter Frank, and Frailty.
WIDOW
How now? Where’s my brother Sir Godfrey? Went he forth this morning?
FRAILTY
Oh, no, madam; he’s above at breakfast, with, sir reverence, a conjurer.
WIDOW
A conjurer! What manner a’ fellow is he?
FRAILTY
Oh, a wondrous rare fellow, mistress, very strongly made upward, for he goes in a buff-jerkin. He says he will fetch Sir Godfrey’s chain again if it hang between heaven and earth.
WIDOW
What! He will not! Then he’s an ex’lent fellow, I warrant. How happy were that woman to be blest with such a husband! A man a’ cunning! How does he look, Frailty? Very swartly, I warrant, with black beard, scorch’d cheeks, and smoky eyebrows.
FRAILTY
Fooh, he’s neither smoke-dried, nor scorch’d, nor black, nor nothing. I tell you, madam, he looks as fair to see to as one of us. I do not think but if you saw him once, you’d take him to be a Christian.
FRANK
So fair and yet so cunning! That’s to be wonder’d at, mother.
Enter Sir Oliver Muckhill and Sir Andrew Tipstaff.
[SIR OLIVER]
Bless you, sweet lady.
[SIR ANDREW]
And you, fair mistress.
Exit Frailty.
WIDOW
Coads, what do you mean, gentlemen? Fie, did I not give you your answers?
[SIR OLIVER]
Sweet lady.
WIDOW
Well, I will not stick with you now for a kiss;
Daughter, kiss the gentleman for once.
FRANK
Yes, forsooth.
[She kisses Sir Andrew.]
[SIR ANDREW]
I’m proud of such a favour.
WIDOW
Truly, la, Sir Oliver, y’are much to blame to come again when you know my mind, so well deliver’d as widow could deliver a thing.
[SIR OLIVER]
But I expect a farther comfort, lady.
WIDOW
Why, la, you now! Did I not desire you to put off your suit quite and clean when you came to me again? How say you? Did I not?
[SIR OLIVER]
But the sincere love which my heart bears you —
WIDOW
Go to, I’ll cut you off. And, Sir Oliver, to put you in comfort afar off, my fortune is read me; I must marry again.
[SIR OLIVER]
Oh, blest fortune!
WIDOW
But not as long as I can choose. Nay, I’ll hold out well.
[SIR OLIVER]
Yet are my hopes now fairer.
Enter Frailty.
FRAILTY
Oh, madam, madam!
WIDOW
How now? What’s the haste?
[Frailty whispers to her] in her ear.
[SIR ANDREW]
Faith, Mistress Frances, I’ll maintain you gallantly. I’ll bring you to court, wean you among the fair society of ladies, poor kinswomen of mine, in cloth of silver; beside, you shall have your monkey, your parrot, your muskcat, and your piss, piss, piss.
FRANK
It will do very well.
WIDOW
[Aside] What, does he mean to conjure here then? How shall I do to be rid of these knights? — Please you, gentlemen, to walk a while i’ th’ garden, go gather a pink or a gilly-flower.
[SIR OLIVER, SIR ANDREW]
With all our hearts, lady, and count us favour’d.
[Exeunt Sir Andrew, Sir Oliver, and Frailty. The Widow and Frank enter the adjoining room.]
SIR GODFREY
[Within] Step in, Nicholas; look, is the coast clear?
NICHOLAS
[Within] Oh, as clear as a cat’s eye, sir.
SIR GODFREY
[Within] Then enter, captain conjurer!
Enter Sir Godfrey, Captain [Idle], Pyeboard, Edmond, Nicholas.
Now, how like you your room, sir?
[IDLE]
Oh, wonderful convenient.
EDMOND
I can tell you, captain, simply though it lies here, ’tis the fairest room in my mother’s house; as dainty a room to conjure in, methinks. Why, you may bid I cannot tell how many devils welcome in’t; my father has had twenty here at once.
PYEBOARD
What! Devils?
EDMOND
Devils! No, deputies, and the wealthiest men he could get.
SIR GODFREY
Nay, put by your chats now; fall to your business roundly: the fescue of the dial is upon the crisscross of noon. But, oh, hear me, captain: a qualm comes o’er my stomach.
[IDLE]
Why, what’s the matter, sir?
SIR GODFREY
Oh, how if the devil should prove a knave and tear the hangings?
[IDLE]
Fuh! I warrant you, Sir Godfrey.
EDMOND
Ay, nuncle, or spit fire upo’ th’ ceiling?
SIR GODFREY
Very true too, for ’tis but thin plaster’d and ‘twill quickly take hold a’ the laths; and if he chance to spit downward too, he will burn all the boards.
[IDLE]
My life for yours, Sir Godfrey.
SIR GODFREY
My sister is very curious and dainty o’er this room, I can tell [you], and therefore if he must needs spit, I pray desire him to spit i’ th’ chimney.
PYEBOARD
Why, assure you, Sir Godfrey, he shall not be brought up with so little manners to spit and spawl a’ th’ floor.
SIR GODFREY
Why, I thank you, good captain; pray have a care.
[Idle lays out his conjuring circle.]
Ay, fall to your circle; we’ll not trouble you, I warrant you. Come, we’ll into the next room, and because we’ll be sure to keep him out there, we’ll bar up the door with some of the godly’s zealous works.
EDMOND
That will be a fine device, nuncle, and because the ground shall be as holy as the door, I’ll tear two or three rosaries in pieces and strew the leaves about the chamber.
Thunders.
Oh! The devil already!
Runs in [with Sir Godfrey and Nicholas].
PYEBOARD
‘Sfoot, captain, speak somewhat for shame: it lightens and thunders before thou wilt begin. Why, when!
[IDLE]
Pray, peace, George! Thou’lt make me laugh anon and spoil all.
[Lightning and thunder.]
PYEBOARD
Oh, now it begins again; now, now, now, captain!
[IDLE]
[Aloud, stamping up and down] Rumbos! Ragdayon, pur, pur, colucundrion, hois-plois!
SIR GODFREY through the keyhole, within
Oh, admirable conjurer! H’as fetch’d thunder already.
PYEBOARD
Hark, hark! Again, captain.
[IDLE]
Benjamino! Gaspois! Kay! Gosgothoteron! Umbrois!
SIR GODFREY
[Within] Oh, I would the devil would come away quickly; he has no conscience to put a man to such pain!
PYEBOARD
Again!
[IDLE]
Flowste! Kakopumpos! Dragone! Leloomenos! Hodge-podge!
PYEBOARD
Well said, captain.
SIR GODFREY
[Within] So long a-coming? Oh, would I had ne’er begun ‘t now, for I fear me these roaring tempests will destroy all the fruits of the earth and tread upon my corn — [thunder] oh! — i’ th’ country!
[IDLE]
Gog de gog, hobgoblin, hunks, hounslow, hockley te combe park!
WIDOW
[Within] Oh, brother, brother, what a tempest’s i’ th’ garden! Sure there’s some conjuration abroad.
SIR GODFREY
[Within] ’Tis at home, sister!
PYEBOARD
By and by I’ll step in, captain.
[IDLE]
Nunc! Nunc! Rip-gaskins, ipis, drip-dropite!
SIR GODFREY
[Within] He drips and drops, poor man; alas, alas!
PYEBOARD
Now I come.
[IDLE]
O sulphure sootface —
PYEBOARD
[Aloud] Arch-conjurer, what wouldst thou with me?
SIR GODFREY
[Within] Oh, the devil, sister, i’ th’ dining-chamber! Sing, sister; I warrant you that will keep him out: quickly, quickly, quickly!
PYEBOARD
[To Idle] So, so, so, I’ll release thee. Enough, captain, enough; allow us some time to laugh a little: they’re shuddering and shaking by this time as if an earthquake were in their kidneys.
[IDLE]
Sirrah George, how was’t, how was’t? Did I do’t well enough?
PYEBOARD
Woult believe me, captain? Better than any conjurer, for here was no harm in this and yet their horrible expectation satisfied well. You were much beholding to thunder and lightning at this time; it grac’d you well, I can tell you.
[IDLE]
I must needs say so, George. Sirrah, if we could ha’ convey’d hither cleanly a cracker or a fire-wheel, ‘t ‘ad been admirable.
PYEBOARD
Blurt, blurt! There’s nothing remains to put thee to pain now, captain.
[IDLE]
Pain? I protest, George, my heels are sorer than a Whitsun morris-dancer[‘s].
PYEBOARD
All’s past now; only to reveal that the chain’s i’ th’ garden, where thou know’st it has lain these two days.
[IDLE]
But I fear that fox Nicholas has reveal’d it already.
PYEBOARD
Fear not, captain; you must put it to th’ venture now. Nay, ’tis time; call upon ‘em. Take pity on ‘em, for I believe some of ‘em are in a pitiful case by this time.
[IDLE]
Sir Godfrey? Nicholas, kinsman! ‘Sfoot, they’re fast at it still, George! Sir Godfrey!
SIR GODFREY
[Within] Oh, is that the devil’s voice? How comes he to know my name?
[IDLE]
Fear not, Sir Godfrey; all’s quieted!
[Enter Sir Godfrey, the Widow, Frank, and Nicholas.]
SIR GODFREY
What, is he laid?
[IDLE]
Laid, and has newly dropp’d your chain i’ th’ garden.
SIR GODFREY
I’ th’ garden? In our garden?
[IDLE]
Your garden.
SIR GODFREY
Oh, sweet conjurer! Whereabouts there?
[IDLE]
Look well about a bank of rosemary.
SIR GODFREY
Sister, the rosemary bank. Come, come; there’s my chain, he says.
WIDOW
Oh, happiness; run, run!
[Exeunt Widow, Sir Godfrey, Frank, and Nicholas.]
EDMOND
[Within] Captain conjurer?
[IDLE]
Who? Master Edmond?
EDMOND
[Within] Ay, Master Edmond. May I come in safely without danger, think you?
[IDLE]
Fuh, long ago; ’tis all as ’twas at first.
Fear nothing; pray come near.
[Enter Edmond.]
How now, man?
EDMOND
Oh, this room’s mightily hot, i’faith! ‘Slid, my shirt sticks to my belly already! What a steam the rogue has left behind him! Foh! This room must be air’d, gentlemen: it smells horribly of brimstone; let’s open the window.
PYEBOARD
Faith, Master Edmond, ’tis but your conceit.
EDMOND
I would you could make me believe that, i’faith. Why, do you think I cannot smell his savour from another? Yet I take it kindly from you because you would not put me in a fear, i’faith. A’ my troth, I shall love you for this the longest day of my life.
[IDLE]
Puh, ’tis nothing, sir; love me when you see more.
EDMOND
Mass, now I remember, I’ll look whether he has singed the hangings or no.
PYEBOARD
[Aside to Idle] Captain, to entertain a little sport till they come, make him believe you’ll charm him invisible. He’s apt to admire anything, you see. Let me alone to give force to’t.
[IDLE]
[Aside to Pyeboard] Go; retire to yonder end then.
[Pyeboard retires to the far end of the room.]
EDMOND
I protest you are a rare fellow, are you not?
[IDLE]
Oh, Master Edmond, you know but the least part of me yet. Why, now at this instant I could but flourish my wand thrice o’er your head and charm you invisible.
EDMOND
What? You could not! Make me walk invisible, man! I should laugh at that, i’faith. Troth, I’ll requite your kindness, and you’ll do’t, good captain conjurer.
[IDLE]
Nay, I should hardly deny you such a small kindness, Master Edmond Plus. Why, look you, sir, ’tis no more but this [waving his wand], and thus, and again, and now y’are invisible.
EDMOND
Am I, i’faith? Who would think it?
[IDLE]
You see the fortune-teller yonder at farther end a’ th’ chamber. Go toward him; do what you will with him: he shall ne’er find you.
EDMOND
Say you so? I’ll try that, i’faith.
[Edmond] justles him.
PYEBOARD
How now, captain? Who’s that justled me?
[IDLE]
Justled you? I saw nobody.
EDMOND
[Aside to Idle] Ha, ha, ha! Say ’twas a spirit.
[IDLE]
Shall I? [To Pyeboard] Maybe some spirit that haunts the circle.
[Edmond] pulls him by the nose.
PYEBOARD
Oh, my nose! Again! Pray conjure then, captain.
EDMOND
Troth, this is ex’lent; I may do any knavery now and never be seen! And now I remember, Sir Godfrey me, my uncle, abus’d me t’other day and told tales of me to my mother. Troth, now I’m invisible, I’ll hit him a sound wherret a’ th’ ear when he comes out a’ th’ garden. I may be reveng’d on him now finely.
Enter Sir Godfrey, Widow, Frank, Nicholas with the chain.
SIR GODFREY
I have my chain again; my chain’s found again! Oh, sweet captain! Oh, admirable conjurer!
Edmond strikes him.
Oh! What mean you by that, nephew?
EDMOND
Nephew? I hope you do not know me, uncle?
WIDOW
Why did you strike your uncle, sir?
EDMOND
Why, captain, am I not invisible?
[IDLE]
[Aside to Pyeboard] A good jest, George! — Not now you are not, sir. Why, did you not see me when I did uncharm you?
EDMOND
Not I, by my troth, captain. Then pray you pardon me, uncle; I thought I’d been invisible when I struck you.
SIR GODFREY
So, you would do’t! Go, y’are a foolish boy,
And were I not o’ercome with greater joy,
I’d make you taste correction.
EDMOND
[Aside] Correction! Push! No, neither you nor my mother shall think to whip me as you have done.
SIR GODFREY
Captain, my joy is such I know not how to thank you; let me embrace you, hug you. Oh, my sweet chain! Gladness e’en makes me giddy. Rare man! ’Twas just i’ th’ rosemary-bank, as if one should ha’ laid it there. Oh, cunning, cunning!
WIDOW
Well, seeing my fortune tells me I must marry, let me marry a man of wit, a man of parts. Here’s a worthy captain, and ’tis a fine title truly, la, to be a captain’s wife. A captain’s wife! It goes very finely; beside, all the world knows that a worthy captain is a fit companion to any lord: then why not a sweet bedfellow for any lady? I’ll have it so.
Enter Frailty.
FRAILTY
Oh, mistress, gentlemen, there’s the bravest sight coming along this way!
WIDOW
What brave sight?
FRAILTY
Oh, one going to burying, and another going to hanging!
WIDOW
A rueful sight.
PYEBOARD
[Aside to Idle] ‘Sfoot, captain, I’ll pawn my life the corporal’s coffin’d, and old Skirmish the solider going to execution, and ’tis now full about the time of his [waking]. Hold out a little longer, sleepy potion, and we shall have ex’lent admiration, for I’ll take upon me the cure of him.
[Exeunt.]