The palace
Enter Lussurioso with Hippolito, Vindici’s brother.
LUSSURIOSO
I much applaud thy judgment; thou art well-read in a fellow,
And ’tis the deepest art to study man.
I know this, which I never learnt in schools:
The world’s divided into knaves and fools.
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] Knave in your face, my lord, behind your back.
LUSSURIOSO
And I much thank thee that thou hast preferr’d
A fellow of discourse, well-mingled,
And whose brain time hath season’d.
HIPPOLITO
True, my lord.
[Aside] We shall find season once I hope. Oh, villain,
To make such an unnatural slave of me! But —
[Enter Vindici, disguised as Piato.]
LUSSURIOSO
Mass, here he comes.
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] And now shall I have free leave to depart.
LUSSURIOSO
Your absence; leave us.
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] Are not my thoughts true?
I must remove; but brother, you may stay:
Heart, we are both made bawds a new-found way!
Exit.
LUSSURIOSO
Now we’re an even number; a third man’s dangerous,
Especially her brother. Say, be free:
Have I a pleasure toward?
VINDICI
Oh, my lord!
LUSSURIOSO
Ravish me in thine answer. Art thou rare?
Hast thou beguil’d her of salvation,
And rubb’d hell o’er with honey? Is she a woman?
VINDICI
In all but in desire.
LUSSURIOSO
Then she’s in nothing;
I bate in courage now.
VINDICI
The words I brought,
Might well have made indifferent-honest naught.
A right good woman in these days is chang’d
Into white money with less labour far:
Many a maid has turn’d to Mahomet
With easier working. I durst undertake
Upon the pawn and forfeit of my life
With half those words to flat a Puritan’s wife,
But she is close and good. Yet ’tis a doubt
By this time: oh, the mother, the mother!
LUSSURIOSO
I never thought their sex had been a wonder
Until this minute. What fruit from the mother?
VINDICI
[Aside] Now must I blister my soul, be forsworn,
Or shame the woman that receiv’d me first.
I will be true; thou liv’st not to proclaim:
Spoke to a dying man, shame has no shame. —
My lord.
LUSSURIOSO
Who’s that?
VINDICI
Here’s none but I, my lord.
LUSSURIOSO
What would thy haste utter?
VINDICI
Comfort.
LUSSURIOSO
Welcome.
VINDICI
The maid being dull, having no mind to travel
Into unknown lands, what did me straight
But set spurs to the mother; golden spurs
Will put her to a false gallop in a trice.
LUSSURIOSO
Is’t possible that in this
The mother should be damn’d before the daughter?
VINDICI
Oh, that’s good manners, my lord; the mother
For her age must go foremost, you know.
LUSSURIOSO
Thou’st spoke that true! But where comes in this comfort?
VINDICI
In a fine place, my lord. The unnatural mother
Did with her tongue so hard beset her honour
That the poor fool was struck to silent wonder,
Yet still the maid like an unlighted taper
Was cold and chaste, save that her mothers breath
Did blow fire on her [cheeks]; the girl departed,
But the good, ancient madam half-mad threw me
These promising words, which I took deeply note of:
“My lord shall be most welcome” —
LUSSURIOSO
Faith, I thank her.
VINDICI
“When his pleasure conducts him this way” —
LUSSURIOSO
That shall be soon, i’faith.
VINDICI
“I will sway mine own” —
LUSSURIOSO
She does the wiser; I commend her for’t.
VINDICI
“Women with women can work best alone.”
LUSSURIOSO
By this light, and so they can. Give ‘em their due;
Men are not comparable to ‘em.
VINDICI
No,
That’s true, for you shall have one woman knit
More in a hour than any man can ravel
Again in seven and twenty year.
LUSSURIOSO
Now my
Desires are happy, I’ll make ‘em freemen now.
Thou art a precious fellow; faith, I love thee.
Be wise and make it thy revenue: beg, leg!
What office couldst thou be ambitious for?
VINDICI
Office, my lord? Marry, if I might have my wish
I would have one that was never begg’d yet.
LUSSURIOSO
Nay, then thou canst have none.
VINDICI
Yes, my lord,
I could pick out another office yet,
Nay, and keep a horse and drab upon’t.
LUSSURIOSO
Prithee, good bluntness, tell me.
VINDICI
Why I would desire but this,
My lord: to have all the fees behind the arras,
And all the farthingales that fall plump
About twelve a’ clock at night upon the rushes.
LUSSURIOSO
Thou’rt a mad, apprehensive knave.
Dost think to make any great purchase of that?
VINDICI
Oh, ’tis an unknown thing,
My lord; I wonder ‘t ‘as been miss’d so long.
LUSSURIOSO
Well, this night I’ll visit her, and ’tis till then
A year in my desires. Farewell, attend,
Trust me with thy preferment.
VINDICI
My lov’d lord!
Exit.
Oh, shall I kill him a’ th’ wrong side now? No.
Sword, thou wast never a back-biter yet.
I’ll pierce him to his face; he shall die looking upon me.
Thy veins are swell’d with lust; this shall unfill ‘em:
Great men were gods if beggars could not kill ‘em.
Forgive me, heaven, to call my mother wicked;
Oh, lessen not my days upon the earth!
I cannot honour her; by this I fear me
Her tongue has turn’d my sister into use.
I was a villain not to be forsworn
To this our lecherous hope, the duke’s son,
For lawyers, merchants, some divines and all
Count beneficial perjury a sin small.
It shall go hard yet, but I’ll guard her honour
And keep the ports sure.
Enter Hippolito.
HIPPOLITO
Brother, how goes the world? I would know news of you,
But I have news to tell you.
VINDICI
What, in the name of knavery?
HIPPOLITO
Knavery? Faith,
This vicious old duke’s worthily abus’d:
The pen of his bastard writes him cuckold!
VINDICI
His bastard?
HIPPOLITO
Pray, believe it: he and the duchess
By night meet in their linen; they have been seen
By stair-foot panders!
VINDICI
Oh, sin foul and deep,
Great faults are wink’d at when the duke’s asleep!
[Enter Spurio and his two Servants, one whispering to him.]
See, see, here comes the Spurio.
HIPPOLITO
Monstrous luxur!
VINDICI
Unbrac’d, two of his valiant bawds with him.
Oh, there’s a wicked whisper; hell is in his ear!
Stay, let’s observe his passage.
[They retire.]
SPURIO
Oh, but are you sure on’t?
[FIRST] SERVANT
My lord, most sure on’t, for ’twas spoke by one
That is most inward with the duke’s son’s lust,
That he intends within this hour to steal
Unto Hippolito’s sister, whose chaste life
The mother has corrupted for his use.
SPURIO
Sweet world, sweet occasion! Faith, then, brother
I’ll disinherit you in as short time,
As I was when I was begot in haste:
I’ll damn you at your pleasure: precious deed
After your lust; oh, ‘twill be fine to bleed!
Come, let our passing out be soft and wary.
Exeunt [Spurio and Servants].
VINDICI
Mark, there, there, that step! Now to the duchess:
This their second meeting writes the duke cuckold
With new additions, his horns newly reviv’d.
Night, thou that lookst like funeral heralds’ fees
Torn down betimes i’ th’ morning, thou hang’st fitly
To grace those sins that have no grace at all.
Now ’tis full sea a-bed over the world;
There’s juggling of all sides. Some that were maids
E’en at sunset are now perhaps i’ th’ toll-book:
This woman in immodest, thin apparel
Lets in her friend by water; here a dame
Cunning nails leather hinges to a door,
To avoid proclamation.
Now cuckolds are a-coining, apace, apace, apace, apace;
And careful sisters spin that thread i’ th’ night
That does maintain them and their bawds i’ th’ day!
HIPPOLITO
You flow well, brother.
VINDICI
Puh, I’m shallow yet,
Too sparing and too modest. Shall I tell thee?
If every trick were told that’s dealt by night,
There are few here that would not blush outright.
HIPPOLITO
I am of that belief too.
Enter Lussurioso.
VINDICI
[Aside to Hippolito] Who’s this comes?
The duke’s son up so late! Brother, fall back,
And you shall learn some mischief. — My good lord.
LUSSURIOSO
Piato! Why, the man I wish’d for. Come,
I do embrace this season for the fittest
To taste of that young lady.
VINDICI
[Aside] Heart and hell!
HIPPOLITO
[Aside] Damn’d villain!
VINDICI
[Aside] I ha’ no way now to cross it but to kill him.
LUSSURIOSO
Come, only thou and I.
VINDICI
My lord, my lord.
LUSSURIOSO
Why dost thou start us?
VINDICI
I’d almost forgot: the bastard!
LUSSURIOSO
What of him?
VINDICI
This night, this hour, this minute, now!
LUSSURIOSO
What! What!
VINDICI
Shadows the duchess —
LUSSURIOSO
Horrible word.
VINDICI
And like strong poison eats
Into the duke your father’s forehead.
LUSSURIOSO
Oh!
VINDICI
He makes horn royal.
LUSSURIOSO
Most ignoble slave!
VINDICI
This is the fruit of two beds.
LUSSURIOSO
I am mad!
VINDICI
That passage he trod warily.
LUSSURIOSO
He did!
VINDICI
And hush’d his villains every step he took.
LUSSURIOSO
His villains! I’ll confound them!
VINDICI
Take ‘em finely, finely now.
LUSSURIOSO
The duchess’ chamber-door shall not control me.
[Exeunt Lussurioso and Vindici.]
HIPPOLITO
Good, happy, swift; there’s gunpowder i’ th’ court,
Wildfire at midnight in this heedless fury.
He may show violence to cross himself;
I’ll follow the event.
Exit.