A room in Mistress Newcut’s house
[Marmaduke is discovered laying the tablecloth.] Enter Mistress Newcut.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Why, how now, sirrah? Upon twelve of the clock, and not the cloth laid yet? Must we needs keep Exchange time still?
MARMADUKE
I am about it, forsooth.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
You’re about it, forsooth? You’re still about many things, but you ne’er do one well. I am an ass to keep thee in th’ house, now my husband’s at sea; thou hast no audacity with thee; a foolish, dreaming lad, fitter to be in the garret than in any place else; no grace nor manly behaviour: when didst thou ever come to me but with thy head hanging down? O decheerful ‘prentice, uncomfortable servant!
[Exit Marmaduke.]
Pray heaven the gull, my cousin, has so much wit left as to bring Master Tailby along with him — my comfort, my delight! — for that was the chiefest cause I did invite him. I bade him bring what gentleman he pleased to accompany him; as far as I durst go: why may he not then make choice of Master Tailby? Had he my wit or feeling he would do’t.
Enter Bungler, and Goldstone disguised.
BUNGLER
Where’s my sweet cousin here? Does she lack any guests?
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Ever such guess as you: you’re welcome, cousin.
GOLDSTONE
I am rude, lady.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
You’re most welcome, sir.
BUNGLER
There will be a gallant here anon, coz; he promised faithfully.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Who is’t? Master Tailby?
BUNGLER
Master Tailby? No, Master Goldstone.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Master Goldstone? I could think well of that Goldstone were’t not for one vild trick he has.
GOLDSTONE
What’s that, lady?
MISTRESS NEWCUT
In jest he will pawn his punks for supper.
GOLDSTONE
That’s a vild part in him, i’faith, and he my were brother.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Pray, gentlemen, sit awhile; your dinner shall come presently.
Exit.
GOLDSTONE
[Aside] Yes, Mistress Newcut? At first give me a trip?
A close bite always asks a secret nip.
BUNGLER
My cousin here is a very kind-natured soul, i’faith, in her humour.
GOLDSTONE
Pooh, you know her not so well as I, coz; I have observed her in all her humours; you ne’er saw her a little waspish, I think.
BUNGLER
I have [not], i’faith.
GOLDSTONE
Pooh, then ye ne’er saw pretty humour in your life; I can bring her into’t when I list.
BUNGLER
Would you could, i’faith!
GOLDSTONE
Would I could? By my troth, and I were sure thou couldst keep thy countenance, coz, what a pretty jest have I thought upon already to entertain time dinner!
BUNGLER
Prithee, coz, what is’t? I love a jest a’ life, i’faith.
GOLDSTONE
Ah, but I am jealous you will not keep your countenance, i’faith! Why, ye shall see a pretty story of a humour. Faith, I’ll try you for once: you know my cousin will wonder when she comes in to see the cloth laid, and ne’er a salt upon the board.
BUNGLER
That’s true, i’faith.
GOLDSTONE
Now will I stand a while out of sight with it, and give her humour play a little.
BUNGLER
Coz, dost thou love me? And thou wilt ever do anything for me, do’t.
GOLDSTONE
Marry, I build upon you[r] countenance.
BUNGLER
Why, dost thou think I’m an ass, coz?
GOLDSTONE
I would be loath to undertake it else; for if you should burst out presently, coz, the jest would be spoiled.
BUNGLER
Why, do not I know that? Away, stand close!
Exit Goldstone with the salt-cellar.
So, so; mum, cousin. A merry companion, i’faith: here will be good sport anon. Whist, she comes.
Enter Mistress Newcut.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
I make you [stay] long for a bad dinner here, cousin; if Master Goldstone were come, the meat’s e’en ready.
BUNGLER
Some great business detains him, cousin, but he’ll not be long now.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Why, how now? Cuds my life!
BUNGLER
Why —
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Was ever mistress so plagued with a shuttle-headed servant! Why, Marmaduke!
Enter Marmaduke.
MARMADUKE
I come, forsooth.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Able to shame me from generation to generation!
MARMADUKE
Did you call, forsooth?
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Come hither, forsooth: did you lay this cloth?
MARMADUKE
Yes, forsooth.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Do you use to lay a cloth without a salt, a salt, a salt, a salt, a salt, a salt!
MARMADUKE
How many salts would you have? I’m sure I set the best I’ the house upon the board.
BUNGLER
How, cousin? [Singing] “Cousin, cousin, did call, coz?”
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Did you see a salt upon the board when you came in?
BUNGLER
Pooh!
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Come, come, I thought as much; beshrew your fingers, where is’t now?
BUNGLER
Your cousin yonder —
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Why, the man’s mad!
BUNGLER
Cousin, hist, cousin!
MISTRESS NEWCUT
What say you?
BUNGLER
Pooh, I call not you, I call my cousin. Come forth with the salt, cousin! Ha! How? Nobody? Why, was not he that came in e’en now your cousin?
MISTRESS NEWCUT
My cousin? O my bell-salt, O my great bell-salt!
Enter Goldstone in his own dress.
BUNGLER
The tenor bell-salt. O, here comes Master Goldstone now, cousin; he may tell us some news on him. [To Goldstone] Did you not meet a fellow about door with a great silver salt under his arm?
GOLDSTONE
No, sure; I met none such.
MISTRESS NEWCUT
Pardon me, sir, I forgot all this while to bid you welcome. I shall loath this room for ever. Take hence the cloth, you unlucky, maple-faced rascal! Come, you shall dine in my chamber, sir.
GOLDSTONE
No better place, lady.