A street in front of Yellowhammer’s shop.
Enter Maudlin and Moll, a shop being discovered.
MAUDLIN
Have you played over all your old lessons o’ the virginals?
MOLL
Yes.
MAUDLIN
Yes, you are a dull maid alate, methinks you had need have somewhat to quicken your green sickness; do you weep? A husband. Had not such a piece of flesh been ordained, what had us wives been good for? To make salads, or else cried up and down for samphire. To see the difference of these seasons! When I was of your youth, I was lightsome, and quick, two years before I was married. You fit for a knight’s bed — drowsy-browed, dull-eyed, drossy-spirited! I hold my life you have forgot your dancing: when was the dancer with you?
MOLL
The last week.
MAUDLIN
Last week? When I was of your bord, he missed me not a night, I was kept at it; I took delight to learn, and he to teach me, pretty brown gentleman, he took pleasure in my company; but you are dull, nothing comes nimbly from you, you dance like a plumber’s daughter, and deserve two thousand pounds in lead to your marriage, and not in goldsmith’s ware.
Enter Yellowhammer.
YELLOWHAMMER
Now what’s the din betwixt mother and daughter, ha?
MAUDLIN
Faith, small, telling your daughter Mary of her errors.
YELLOWHAMMER
Errors! Nay, the city cannot hold you, wife, but you must needs fetch words from Westminster; I ha’ done, i’faith. Has no attorney’s clerk been here alate and changed his half-crown-piece his mother sent him, or rather cozened you with a gilded twopence, to bring the word in fashion for her faults or cracks in duty and obedience, term ‘em e’en so, sweet wife? As there is no woman made without a flaw, your purest lawns have frays, and cambrics bracks.
MAUDLIN
But ’tis a husband solders up all cracks.
MOLL
What is he come, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
Sir Walter’s come.
He was met at Holborn Bridge, and in his company
A proper fair young gentlewoman, which I guess
By her red hair, and other rank descriptions,
To be his landed niece brought out of Wales,
Which Tim our son (the Cambridge boy) must marry.
’Tis a match of Sir Walter’s own making
To bind us to him, and our heirs for ever.
MAUDLIN
We are honoured then, if this baggage would be humble,
And kiss him with devotion when he enters.
I cannot get her for my life
To instruct her hand thus, before and after,
Which a knight will look for, before and after.
I have told her still, ’tis the waving of a woman
Does often move a man, and prevails strongly.
But sweet, ha’ you sent to Cambridge,
Has Tim word on’t?
YELLOWHAMMIER
Had word just the day after when you sent him the silver spoon to eat his broth in the hall, amongst the gentlemen commoners.
MAUDLIN
O, ’twas timely.
Enter Porter.
YELLOWHAMMER
How now?
PORTER
A letter from a gentleman in Cambridge.
YELLOWHAMMER
O, one of Hobson’s porters, thou art welcome. I told thee, Maud, we should hear from Tim. [Reads letter] Amantissimis charissimisque ambobus parentibus patri et matri.
MAUDLIN
What’s the matter?
YELLOWHAMMER
Nay, by my troth, I know not, ask not me, he’s grown too verbal; this learning is a great witch.
MAUDLIN
Pray, let me see it, I was wont to understand him. Amantissimus charissimus, he has sent the carrier’s man, he says; ambobus parentibus, for a pair of boots; patri et matri, pay the porter, or it makes no matter.
PORTER
Yes, by my faith, mistress, there’s no true construction in that, I have took a great deal of pains, and come from the Bell sweating. Let me come to’t, for I was a scholar forty years ago; ’tis thus, I warrant you: Matri, it makes no matter: ambobus parentibus, for a pair of boots; patri, pay the porter; amantissimis charissimis, he’s the carrier’s man, and his name is Sims, and there he says true, forsooth, my name is Sims indeed; I have not forgot all my learning. A money matter, I thought I should hit on’t.
YELLOWHAMMER
Go, thou art an old fox, there’s a tester for thee.
PORTER
If I see your worship at Goose Fair, I have a dish of birds for you.
YELLOWHAMMER
Why, dost dwell at Bow?
PORTER
All my lifetime, sir; I could ever say “Bo” to a goose. Farewell to your worship.
Exit Porter.
YELLOWHAMMER
A merry porter.
MAUDLIN
How can he choose but be so, coming with Cambridge letters from our son Tim?
YELLOWHAMMER
What’s here? [Reads] Maximus diligo. Faith, I must to my learned counsel with this gear, ‘twill ne’er be discerned else.
MAUDLIN
Go to my cousin then, at Inns of Court.
YELLOWHAMMER
Fie, they are all for French, they speak no Latin.
MAUDLIN
The parson then will do it.
Enter a Gentleman with a chain.
YELLOWHAMMER
Nay, he disclaims it, calls Latin Papistry, he will not deal with it. What is’t you lack, gentleman?
GENTLEMAN
Pray, weigh this chain.
Enter Sir Walter Whorehound, Welsh Gentlewoman and Davy [Dahumma].
SIR WALTER
Now, wench, thou art welcome to the heart of the city of London.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
Dugat a whee.
SIR WALTER
You can thank me in English if you list.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
I can, sir, simply.
SIR WALTER
‘Twill serve to pass, wench; ’twas strange that I should lie with thee so often, to leave thee without English: that were unnatural. I bring thee up to turn thee into gold, wench, and make thy fortune shine like your bright trade. A goldsmith’s shop sets out a city maid. Davy [Dahumma], not a word.
DAVY
Mum, mum, sir.
SIR WALTER
Here you must pass for a pure virgin.
DAVY
[Aside] Pure Welsh virgin, she lost her maidenhead in Brecknockshire.
SIR WALTER
I hear you mumble, Davy.
DAVY
I have teeth, sir, I need not mumble yet this forty years.
SIR WALTER
The knave bites plaguily.
YELLOWHAMMER
What’s your price, sir?
GENTLEMAN
A hundred pound, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
A hundred marks the utmost, ’tis not for me else.
[Exit Gentleman.]
What, Sir Walter Whorehound?
MOLL
O death!
Exit Moll.
MAUDLIN
Why, daughter; faith, the baggage,
A bashful girl, sir; these young things are shamefast.
Besides, you have a presence, sweet Sir Walter,
Able to daunt a maid brought up i’ the city;
Enter [Moll].
A brave court spirit makes our virgins quiver,
And kiss with trembling thighs. Yet see, she comes, sir.
SIR WALTER
Why, how now, pretty mistress, now I have caught you. What, can you injure so your time to stray thus from your faithful servant?
YELLOWHAMMER
Pish, stop your words, good knight, ‘twill make her blush else, which wound too high for the daughters of the freedom. “Honour,” and “faithful servant,” they are compliments for the worthies of Whitehall, or Greenwich. E’en plain, sufficient subsidy words serves us, sir. And is this gentlewoman your worthy niece?
SIR WALTER
You may be bold with her on these terms, ’tis she, sir, heir to some nineteen mountains.
YELLOWHAMMER
Bless us all, you overwhelm me, sir, with love and riches.
SIR WALTER
And all as high as Paul’s.
DAVY
Here’s work, i’faith.
SIR WALTER
How sayst thou, Davy?
DAVY
Higher, sir, by far: you cannot see the top of ‘em.
YELLOWHAMMER
What, man? Maudlin, salute this gentlewoman, our daughter if things hit right.
Enter Touchwood Junior.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[Aside] My knight with a brace of footmen
Is come and brought up his ewe mutton
To find a ram at London; I must hasten it,
Or else pick a’ famine; her blood’s mine,
And that’s the surest. Well, knight, that choice [spoil]
Is only kept for me.
MOLL
[Aside to Touchwood Junior] Sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[To Moll, hands her note] Turn not to me till thou mayst lawfully,
It but whets my stomach, which is too sharp
Set already. Read that note carefully,
Keep me from suspicion still, nor know
My zeal but in thy heart:
Read and send but thy liking in three words,
I’ll be at hand to take it.
YELLOWHAMMER
O, turn, sir, turn.
A poor plain boy, an university man,
Proceeds next Lent to a Bachelor of Art;
He will be called Sir Yellowhammer then
Over all Cambridge, and that’s half a knight.
MAUDLIN
Please you draw near, and taste the welcome of the city, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
Come, good Sir Walter, and your virtuous niece here.
SIR WALTER
’Tis manners to take kindness.
YELLOWHAMMER
Lead ‘em in, wife.
SIR WALTER
Your company, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
I’ll give’t you instantly.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[Aside] How strangely busy is the devil and riches;
Poor soul kept in too hard, her mother’s eye
Is cruel toward her, being to him.
‘Twere a good mirth now to set him a-work
To make her wedding ring. I must about it.
Rather than the game should fall to a stranger,
’Twas honesty in me to enrich my father.
YELLOWHAMMER
[Aside] The girl is wondrous peevish; I fear nothing
But that she’s taken with some other love,
Then all’s quite dashed; that must be narrowly looked to;
We cannot be too wary in our children. —
What is’t you lack?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O, nothing now, all that I wish is present. I would have a wedding ring made for a gentlewoman, with all speed that may be.
YELLOWHAMMER
Of what weight, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Of some half ounce, stand fair and comely, with the spark of a diamond. Sir, ‘twere pity to lose the least grace.
YELLOWHAMMER
Pray, let’s see it; indeed, sir, ’tis a pure one.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
So is the mistress.
YELLOWHAMMER
Have you the wideness of her finger, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Yes, sure I think I have her measure about me.
[Searches for a paper] Good faith, ’tis down, I cannot show’t you,
I must pull too many things out to be certain.
Let me see: long, and slender, and neatly jointed,
Just such another gentlewoman that’s your daughter, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
And therefore, sir, no gentlewoman.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I protest I never saw two maids handed more alike;
I’ll ne’er seek farther, if you’ll give me leave, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
If you dare venture by her finger, sir.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Ay, and I’ll bide all loss, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
Say you so, sir; let’s see hither, girl.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Shall I make bold with your finger, gentlewoman?
MOLL
Your pleasure, sir.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
That fits her to a hair, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
What’s your posy now, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Mass, that’s true, posy, i’faith; e’en thus, sir:
“Love that’s wise, blinds parents’ eyes.”
YELLOWHAMMER
How, how? If I may speak without offence, sir,
I hold my life —
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
What, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
Go to, you’ll pardon me?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Pardon you?
Ay, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
Will you, i’faith?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Yes, faith, I will.
YELLOWHAMMER
You’ll steal away some man’s daughter, am I near you?
Do you turn aside? You gentlemen are mad wags;
I wonder things can be so warily carried,
And parents blinded so, but they’re served right
That have two eyes, and were so dull a sight.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[Aside] Thy doom take hold of thee.
YELLOWHAMMER
Tomorrow noon shall show your ring well done.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Being so, ’tis soon; thanks, and your leave sweet gentlewoman.
Exit.
MOLL
Sir, you are welcome.
[Aside] O, were I made of wishes, I went with thee.
YELLOWHAMMER
Come, now we’ll see how the rules go within.
MOLL
That robs my joy, there I lose all I win.
[Exeunt.]