Sir Oliver’s house.
Enter both the Touchwoods.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Y’are in the happiest way to enrich yourself,
And pleasure me, brother, as man’s feet can tread in,
For though she be locked up, her vow is fixed
Only to me; then time shall never grieve me,
For by that vow, e’en absent [I] enjoy her,
Assuredly confirmed that none else shall,
Which will make tedious years seem gameful to me.
In the mean space lose you no time, sweet brother;
You have the means to strike at this knight’s fortunes
And lay him level with his bankrout merit;
Get but his wife with child, perch at tree top,
And shake the golden fruit into her lap.
About it, before she weep herself to a dry ground,
And whine out all her goodness.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Prithee cease,
I find a too much aptness in my blood
For such a business without provocation;
You might well spared this banquet of eringoes,
Artichokes, potatoes, and your buttered crab,
They were fitter kept for your own wedding dinner.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Nay, and you’ll follow my suit, and save my purse, too,
Fortune dotes on me; he’s in happy case
Finds such an honest friend i’ the common place.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Life, what makes thee so merry? Thou hast no cause
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,
Unless there be news come, with new additions.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Why there thou hast it right, I look for her
This evening, brother.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
How’s that, look for her?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
I will deliver you of the wonder straight, brother:
By the firm secrecy and kind assistance
Of a good wench i’ the house, who, made of pity,
Weighing the case her own, she’s led through gutters,
Strange hidden ways, which none but love could find,
Or ha’ the heart to venture; I expect her
Where you would little think.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I care not where,
So she be safe, and yours.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Hope tells me so,
But from your love and time my peace must grow.
Exit.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
You know the worst then, brother; now to my Kix,
The barren he and she, they’re i’ the next room,
But to say which of their two humours hold them
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
Kix to his Lady within.
SIR OLIVER
Thou liest, barrenness.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
O, is’t that time of day? Give you joy of your tongue,
There’s nothing else good in you; this their life
The whole day from eyes open to eyes shut,
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends,
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,
And then be pleased again, no man knows which way,
Fall out like giants, and fall in like children —
Their fruit can witness as much.
Enter Sir Oliver Kix and his Lady.
SIR OLIVER
’Tis thy fault.
[LADY KIX]
Mine, drouth and coldness?
SIR OLIVER
Thine, ’tis thou art barren.
[LADY KIX]
I barren! O life, that I durst but speak now,
In mine own justice, in mine own right — I barren!
’Twas otherways with me when I was at court,
I was ne’er called so till I was married.
SIR OLIVER
I’ll be divorced.
[LADY KIX]
Be hanged! I need not wish it,
That will come too soon to thee: I may say,
Marriage and hanging goes by destiny,
For all the goodness I can find in’t yet.
SIR OLIVER
I’ll give up house, and keep some fruitful whore,
Like an old bachelor in a tradesman’s chamber;
She and her children shall have all.
[LADY KIX]
Where be they?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Pray, cease;
When there are friendlier courses took for you
To get and multiply within your house,
At your own proper costs in spite of censure,
Methinks an honest peace might be established.
SIR OLIVER
What with her? Never.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Sweet sir.
SIR OLIVER
You work all in vain.
[LADY KIX]
Then he doth all like thee.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Let me intreat, sir.
SIR OLIVER
Singleness confound her,
I took her with one smock.
[LADY KIX]
But indeed you came not so single,
When you came from shipboard.
SIR OLIVER
Heart, she bit sore there; prithee, make’s friends.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Is’t come to that? The peal begins to cease.
SIR OLIVER
I’ll sell all at an outcry.
[LADY KIX]
Do thy worst, slave;
Good sweet sir, bring us into love again.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Some would think this impossible to compass;
Pray, let this storm fly over.
SIR OLIVER
Good sir, pardon me, I’m master of this house,
Which I’ll sell presently, I’ll clap up bills this evening.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Lady, friends? Come.
[LADY KIX]
If e’er ye loved woman, talk not on’t, sir;
What, friends with him? Good faith, do you think I’m mad?
With one that’s scarce the hinder quarter of a man?
SIR OLIVER
Thou art nothing of a woman.
[LADY KIX]
Would I were less than nothing.
Weeps.
SIR OLIVER
Nay, prithee what dost mean?
[LADY KIX]
I cannot please you.
SIR OLIVER
I’faith, thou art a good soul, he lies that says it;
Buss, buss, pretty rogue.
[LADY KIX]
You care not for me.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Can any man tell now which way they came in?
By this light, I’ll be hanged then.
SIR OLIVER
Is the drink come?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Here’s a little vial of almond-milk —
[Aside] That stood me in some three pence.
SIR OLIVER
I hope to see thee, wench, within these few years,
Circled with children, pranking up a girl,
And putting jewels in their little ears;
Fine sport, i’faith.
[LADY KIX]
Ay, had you been aught, husband,
It had been done ere this time.
SIR OLIVER
Had been aught, hang thee, hadst thou been aught;
But a cross thing I ever found thee.
[LADY KIX]
Thou art a grub to say so.
SIR OLIVER
A pox on thee.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
By this light, they are out again at the same door,
And no man can tell which way;
Come here’s your drink, sir.
SIR OLIVER
I will not take it now, sir,
And I were sure to get three boys ere midnight.
[LADY KIX]
Why there thou show’st now of what breed thou com’st;
To hinder generation! O thou villain,
That knows how crookedly the world goes with us
For want of heirs, yet put by all good fortune.
SIR OLIVER
Hang, strumpet, I will take it now in spite.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Then you must ride upon’t five hours.
SIR OLIVER
I mean so.
Within there?
Enter a Servant.
SERVANT
Sir?
SIR OLIVER
Saddle the white mare,
I’ll take a whore along, and ride to Ware.
[LADY KIX]
Ride to the devil.
SIR OLIVER
I’ll plague you every way;
Look ye, do you see, ’tis gone.
Drinks.
[LADY KIX]
A pox go with it.
SIR OLIVER
I curse and spare not now.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Stir up and down, sir,
You must not stand.
SIR OLIVER
Nay, I’m not given to standing.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
So much the better, sir, for the —
SIR OLIVER
I never could stand long in one place yet,
I learnt it of my father, ever figient;
How if I crossed this, sir?
Capers.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
O, passing good, sir,
And would show well a-horseback; when you come
To your inn, if you leapt over a joint-stool or two
‘Twere not amiss — [Aside] although you brake your neck, sir.
SIR OLIVER
What say you to a table thus high, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Nothing better, sir, if it be furnished
With good victuals. You remember how
The bargain runs about this business?
SIR OLIVER
Or else I had a bad head: you must receive, sir,
Four hundred pounds of me at four several payments:
One hundred pound now in hand.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Right, that I have, sir.
SIR OLIVER
Another hundred when my wife is quick,
The third when she’s brought to bed, and the last hundred
When the child cries; for if it should be stillborn,
It doth no good, sir.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
All this is even still;
A little faster, sir.
SIR OLIVER
Not a whit, sir,
I’m in an excellent pace for any physic.
Enter a Servant.
SERVANT
Your white mare’s ready.
SIR OLIVER
I shall up presently:
One kiss, and farewell.
[LADY KIX]
Thou shalt have two, love.
[Kiss.]
SIR OLIVER
Expect me about three.
Exit.
[LADY KIX]
With all my heart, sweet.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
By this light, they have forgot their anger since,
And are as far in again as e’er they were;
Which way the devil came they? Heart, I saw ‘em not,
Their ways are beyond finding out. Come, sweet lady.
[LADY KIX]
How must I take mine, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Clean contrary,
Yours must be taken lying.
[LADY KIX]
Abed, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Abed, or where you will for your own ease;
Your coach will serve.
[LADY KIX]
The physic must needs please.
[Exeunt.]