Antonio’s house
Enter Antonio and Gaspero.
GASPERO
Good sir, whence springs this sadness? Trust me, sir,
You look not like a man was married yesterday.
There could come no ill tidings since last night
To cause that discontent. I was wont to know all
Before you had a wife, sir; you ne’er found me
Without those parts of manhood: trust and secrecy.
ANTONIO
I will not tell thee this.
GASPERO
Not your true servant, sir?
ANTONIO
True? You’ll all flout according to your talent,
The best a man can keep of you; and a hell ’tis
For masters to pay wages to be laugh’d at.
Give order that two cocks be boiled to jelly.
GASPERO
How? Two cocks boil’d to jelly?
ANTONIO
Fetch half an ounce of pearl.
Exit.
GASPERO
This is a cullis
For a consumption, and I hope one night
Has not brought you to need the cook already,
And some part of the goldsmith: what, two trades
In four and twenty hours, and less time?
Pray heaven the surgeon and the pothecary
Keep out, and then ’tis well. You had better fortune,
As far as I see, with your strumpet sojourner,
Your little four-nobles-a-week: I ne’er knew you
Eat one panada all the time y’have kept her,
And is’t in one night now, come up to two-cock broth?
I wonder at the alteration strangely.
Enter Francisca.
FRANCISCA
Good morrow, Gasper.
GASPERO
Your hearty wishes, mistress,
And your sweet dreams come upon you.
FRANCISCA
What that, sir?
GASPERO
In a good husband, that’s my real meaning.
FRANCISCA
Saw you my brother lately?
GASPERO
Yes.
FRANCISCA
I met him now
As sad, methought, as grief could make a man;
Know you the cause?
GASPERO
Not I: I know nothing
But half an ounce of pearl, and kitchen-business
Which I will see perform’d with all fidelity;
I’ll break my trust in nothing: not in porridge, I.
Exit.
FRANCISCA
I have the hardest fortune, I think, of a hundred
Gentlewomen; some can make merry with a friend seven year,
And nothing seen, as perfect a maid still,
To the world’s knowledge, as she came from rocking.
But ’twas my luck, at the first hour forsooth,
To prove too fruitful: sure I’m near my time.
I’m yet but a young scholar, I may fail
In my account; but certainly I do not.
These bastards come upon poor venturing gentlewomen ten to one faster than your legitimate children. If I had been married, I’ll be hanged if I had been with child so soon now. When they are once husbands, they’ll be whipp’d ere they take such pains as a friend will do, to come by water to the back door at midnight, there stay perhaps an hour in all weathers, with a pair of reeking watermen, laden with bottles of wine, chewets, and currant custards. I may curse those egg pies; they are meat that help forward too fast.
This hath been usual with me, night by night,
Honesty forgive me, when my brother hath been
Dreaming of no such junkets, yet he hath far’d
The better for my sake, though he little think
For what, nor must he ever. My friend promis’d me
To provide safely for me, and devise
A means to save my credit here i’ th’ house.
My brother sure would kill me if he knew’t,
And powder up my friend, and all his kindred,
For an East Indian voyage.
Enter Isabella.
ISABELLA
Alone, sister?
FRANCISCA
[Aside] No, there’s another with me, though you see’t not. —
Morrow, sweet sister, how have you slept tonight?
ISABELLA
More than I thought I should; I’ve had good rest.
FRANCISCA
I’m glad to hear’t.
ISABELLA
Sister, methinks you are too long alone,
And lose much good time, sociable and honest;
I’m for the married life, I must praise that now.
FRANCISCA
I cannot blame you, sister, to commend it.
You have happen’d well, no doubt, on a kind husband,
And that’s not every woman’s fortune, sister,
You know if he were any but my brother
My praises should not leave him yet so soon.
ISABELLA
I must acknowledge, sister, that my life
Is happily bless’d with him: he is no gamester
That ever I could find or hear of yet,
Nor midnight surfeiter; he does intend
To leave tobacco, too.
FRANCISCA
Why, here’s a husband!
ISABELLA
He saw it did offend me, and swore freely
He’ll ne’er take pleasure in a toy again
That should displease me: some knights’ wives in town
Will have great hope, upon his reformation,
To bring their husbands’ breaths into th’ old fashion,
And make ‘em kiss like Christians, not like pagans.
FRANCISCA
I promise you, sister, ‘twill be a worthy work
To put down all these pipers; ’tis a great pity
There should not be a statute against them,
As against fiddlers.
ISABELLA
These good offices,
If you had a husband, you might exercise
To th’ good o’ th’ commonwealth, and do much profit:
Beside, it is a comfort to a woman
T’have children, sister, a great blessing certainly.
FRANCISCA
They will come fast enough.
ISABELLA
Not so fast neither,
As they’re still welcome to an honest woman.
FRANCISCA
[Aside] How near she comes to me! I protest she grates
My very skin.
ISABELLA
Were I conceiv’d with child,
Beshrew my heart, I should be so proud on’t.
FRANCISCA
That’s natural: pride is a kind of swelling;
[Aside] And yet I’ve small cause to be proud of mine.
ISABELLA
You are no good companion for a wife:
Get you a husband; prithee, sister, do,
That I may ask your counsel now and then.
‘Twill mend you discourse much: you maids know nothing.
FRANCISCA
No, we are fools, but commonly we prove
Quicker mothers than you that have husbands.
[Aside] I’m sure I shall else; I may speak for one.
Enter Antonio.
ANTONIO
[Aside] I will not look upon her: I’ll pass by
And make as though I see her not.
ISABELLA
Why sir,
Pray your opinion, by the way, with leave, sir:
I’m counselling your sister here to marry.
ANTONIO
To marry? Soft, the priest is not at leisure yet:
Some five years hence. Would you fain marry, sister?
FRANCISCA
I have no such hunger to’t, sir, [aside] for I think
I’ve a good bit that well may stay my stomach
As well as any that broke fast a sinner.
ANTONIO
Though she seem tall of growth, she’s short in years
Of some that seem much lower. How old, sister?
Not seventeen, for a yard of lawn?
FRANCISCA
Not yet, sir.
ANTONIO
I told you so.
FRANCISCA
[Aside] I would he’d laid a wager of old shirts rather,
I shall have more need of them shortly: and yet
A yard of lawn will serve for a christening-cloth.
I have a use for everything, as my case stands.
ISABELLA
I care not if I try my voice this morning,
But I have got a cold, sir, by your means.
ANTONIO
I’ll strive to mean that fault.
ISABELLA
I thank you sir.
Song.
In a maiden-time profess’d,
Then we say that life is best.
Tasting once the married life,
Then we only praise the wife.
There’s but one state more to try
Which makes women laugh or cry:
Widow, widow. Of these three,
The middle’s best, and that give me.
ANTONIO
[Kissing her] There’s thy reward.
ISABELLA
I will not grumble, sir,
Like some musician; if more come, ’tis welcome.
FRANCISCA
[Aside] Such tricks [have] made me do all that I have done;
Your kissing married folks [spoil] all the maids that ever live i’ th’ house with ‘em.
Enter Abberzanes [with his servants carrying packages and bottles].
Oh, here he comes with his bags and bottles; he was born to lead poor watermen, and I.
ABBERZANES
Go, fellows, into the larder, let the bake-meats be sorted by themselves.
ANTONIO
Why, sir —
ABBERZANES
Look the canary bottles be well-stopp’d,
The three of claret shall be drunk at dinner.
[Exit Abberzanes’ Servants.]
ANTONIO
My good sir, y’are too plenteous of these courtesies,
Indeed you are; forbear ‘em, I beseech ye.
I know no merit in me but poor love
And a true friend’s well-wishing that can cause
This kindness in excess. [Aside] I’ th’ state that I am,
I shall go near to kick this fellow shortly
And send him downstairs with his bag and baggage.
Why comes he now I’m married? There’s the point. —
I pray, forbear these things.
ABBERZANES
Alas, you know, sir,
These idle toys, which you call courtesies,
They cost me nothing but my servants’ travail.
One office must be kind, sir, to another,
You know the fashion. What, the gentlewoman
Your sister’s sad, methinks.
ANTONIO
I know no cause she has.
FRANCISCA
[Aside] Nor shall, by my good will.
[She takes Abberzanes aside.]
What do you mean, sir?
Shall I stay here to shame myself and you?
The time may be tonight, for aught you know.
ABBERZANES
Peace: there’s means wrought, I tell thee.
FRANCISCA
Ay, sir, when?
Enter Sebastian [disguised as Celio, a servant] and Gentleman.
ANTONIO
How now? What’s he?
ISABELLA
Oh, this is the man, sir,
I entertain’d this morning for my service.
Please you to give your liking.
ANTONIO
Yes, he’s welcome.
I like him not amiss. [To Sebastian] Thou wouldst speak business,
Wouldst thou not?
SEBASTIAN
Yes; may it please you, sir,
There is a gentleman from the northern parts
Hath brought a letter, as it seems, in haste.
ANTONIO
From whom?
GENTLEMAN
Your bonny lady mother, sir.
ANTONIO
You’re kindly welcome, sir: how doth she?
GENTLEMAN
I left her heal’ varray well, sir.
ANTONIO
[Takes the letter and reads.] “I pray send your sister down all speed to me. I hope it will prove much for her good, in the way of her preferment. Fail me not, I desire you, son, nor let any excuse of hers withhold her; I have sent, ready furnish’d, horse and man for her.”
ABBERZANES
Now have I thought upon you?
FRANCISCA
Peace, good sir,
You’re worthy of a kindness another time.
ANTONIO
Her will shall be obey’d. Sister, prepare yourself;
You must down with all speed.
FRANCISCA
I know, down I must,
And good speed send me!
ANTONIO
’Tis our mother’s pleasure.
FRANCISCA
Good sir, write back again, and certify her
I’m at my heart’s wish here; I’m with my friends
And can be but well, say.
ANTONIO
You shall pardon me, sister;
I hold it no wise part to contradict her,
Nor would I counsel you to’t.
FRANCISCA
’Tis so uncouth
Living i’ th’ country now I’m us’d to th’ city
That I shall nev’r endure’t.
ABBERZANES
Perhaps, forsooth,
’Tis not her meaning you shall live there long.
I do not think but after a month or so
You’ll be sent up again: that’s my conceit.
However, let her have her will.
ANTONIO
Ay, good sir,
Great reason ’tis she should.
ISABELLA
I am sorry, sister,
’Tis our hard fortune thus to part so soon.
FRANCISCA
The sorrow will be mine.
ANTONIO
[To Gentleman] Please you walk in, sir;
We’ll have one health unto these northern parts,
Though I be sick at heart.
ABBERZANES
Ay, sir, a deep one —
Exeunt [Antonio, Isabella, and Gentleman].
[To Francisca] Which you shall pledge, too.
FRANCISCA
You shall pardon me:
I have pledg’d one too deep already, sir.
ABBERZANES
[Aside to her] Peace; all’s provided for: thy wine’s laid in,
Sugar and spice, the place not ten mile hence.
What cause have maids now to complain of men,
When a farmhouse can make all whole again?
Exeunt [Abberzanes and Francisca].
SEBASTIAN
It takes: h’as no content; how well she bears it yet!
Hardly myself can find so much from her
That am acquainted with the cold disease.
O, honesty’s a rare wealth in a woman!
It knows no want, at least will express none,
Not in a look. Yet I’m not throughly happy:
His ill does me no good; well may it keep me
From open rage and madness for a time,
But I feel heart’s grief in the same place still.
What makes the greatest torment ‘mongst lost souls?
’Tis not so much the horror of their pains,
Though they be infinite, as the loss of joys:
It is that deprivation is the mother
Of all the groans in hell, and here on earth
Of all the red sighs in the hearts of lovers.
Still she’s not mine that can be no man’s else
Till I be nothing, if religion
Have the same strength for me as ‘t has for others:
Holy vows witness that our souls were married.
Enter Gaspero and L[ord] Governor [attended by Gentlemen].
GASPERO
Where are you, sir? Come, pray give your attendance.
Here’s my lord governor come.
GOVERNOR
Where’s our new kindred?
Not stirring yet, I think?
GASPERO
Yes, my good lord.
Please you walk near?
GOVERNOR
Come, gentlemen, we’ll enter.
SEBASTIAN
[Aside] I ha’ done’t upon a breach; this a lesse[r] venture.
[Exeunt.]