The court
Enter Duke [Evander], three Courtiers, and executioner [Cratilus].
EVANDER
Executioner!
CRATILUS
My lord.
EVANDER
How did old Diocles take his death?
CRATILUS
As weeping
Brides receive their joys at night, my lord,
With trembling yet with patience.
EVANDER
Why, ’twas well.
FIRST COURTIER
Nay, I knew my father would do well, my lord,
Whene’er he came to die. I’d that opinion of him
Which made me the more willing to part from him.
He was not fit to live in the world, indeed,
Any time these ten years, my lord, but I
Would not say so much.
EVANDER
No! You did not well in it,
For he that’s all spent is ripe for death at all hours,
And does but trifle time out.
FIRST COURTIER
Troth, my lord,
I would I had known your mind nine years ago.
EVANDER
Our law is fourscore years because we judge
Dotage complete then, as unfruitfulness
In women at threescore. Marry, if the son
Can within compass bring good solid proofs
Of his own father’s weakness and unfitness
To live or sway the living, though he want five
Or ten years of his number, that’s not it;
His defect makes him fourscore and ’tis fit
He dies when he deserves, for every act
Is in effect then, when the cause is ripe.
SECOND COURTIER
[Taking the other courtiers aside] An admirable prince! How rarely he talks!
Oh, that we’d known this, lads! What a time did we endure
In two-penny commons, and in boots twice vamped!
FIRST COURTIER
Now we have two pair a week, and yet not thankful;
‘Twill be a fine world for them, sirs, that come after us.
SECOND COURTIER
Ay, and they knew it.
[FIRST] COURTIER
Peace! Let them never know it.
THIRD COURTIER
A pox, there be young heirs will soon smell it out.
SECOND COURTIER
‘Twill come to ‘em by instinct, man. [To Evander] May your grace
Never be old, you stand so well for youth.
EVANDER
Why now, methinks our court looks like a spring;
Sweet, fresh, and fashionable, now the old weeds are gone.
FIRST COURTIER
’Tis as a court should be:
Gloss and good clothes, my lord, no matter for merit;
And herein your law proves a provident act,
When men pass not the palsy of their tongues,
Nor colour in their cheeks.
EVANDER
But women by
That law should live long, for they are ne’er past it.
FIRST COURTIER
It will have heats though, when they see the painting
Go an inch deep in the wrinkle, and take up
A box more than their gossips. But for men, my lord,
That should be the sole bravery of a palace,
To walk with hollow eyes and long white beards,
As if a prince dwelt in a land of goats;
With clothes as if they sat upon their backs on purpose
To arraign a fashion, and condemn it to exile;
Their pockets in their sleeves, as if they laid
Their ear to avarice and heard the devil whisper!
Now ours lie downward, here, close to the flank,
Right spending pockets as a son’s should be
That lives in the fashion, where our diseased fathers,
[Wood] with the sciatica and aches,
Brought up your pan’d hose first, which ladies laughed at,
Giving no reverence to the place, lie ruined.
They love a doublet that’s three hours a-buttoning,
And fits so close makes a man groan again
And his soul mutter half a day. Yet these are those
That carry sway and worth; pricked up in clothes,
Why should we fear our rising?
EVANDER
You but wrong
Our kindness and your own deserts to doubt on it.
Has not our law made you rich before your time?
Our countenance then can make you honourable.
FIRST COURTIER
We’ll spare for no cost, sir, to appear worthy.
EVANDER
Why, you’re in the noble way then, for the most
Are but appearers; worth itself, it is lost
And bravery stands for it.
Enter Creon, Antigona, and Simonides.
FIRST COURTIER
Look, look who comes here!
I smell death and another courtier.
Simonides!
SECOND COURTIER
Sim!
SIMONIDES
[Taking the courtiers aside] Push! I’m not for you yet;
Your company’s too costly; after the old man’s
Dispatched, I shall have time to talk with you.
I shall come into the fashion, ye shall see too,
After a day or two. In the meantime,
I am not for your company.
EVANDER
Old Creon, you have been expected long;
Sure you’re above fourscore.
SIMONIDES
Upon my life
Not four-and-twenty hours, my lord; I searched
The church-book yesterday. Does your grace think
I’d let my father wrong the law, my lord?
‘Twere pity a’ my life then! No, your act
Shall not receive a minute’s wrong by him
While I live, sir; and he’s so just himself too,
I know he would no[t] offer it. Here he stands.
CREON
’Tis just
I die, indeed, my lord; for I confess
I’m troublesome to life now, and the state
Can hope for nothing worthy from me now,
Either in force or counsel. I’ve a’ late
Employed myself quite from the world, and he
That once begins to serve his maker faithfully
Can never serve a worldly prince well after;
’Tis clean another way.
ANTIGONA
Oh, give not confidence
To all he speaks, my lord, in his own injury!
His preparation only for the next world
Makes him talk widely to his wrong of this.
He is not lost in judgment —
SIMONIDES
[Aside] She spoils all again.
ANTIGONA
Deserving any way for state employment.
SIMONIDES
Mother —
ANTIGONA
His very household laws proscribed at home by him
Are able to conform seven Christian kingdoms,
They are so wise and virtuous.
SIMONIDES
Mother, I say —
ANTIGONA
I know your laws extend not to desert, sir,
But to unnecessary years, and, my lord,
His are not such. Though they show white, they’re worthy,
Judicious, able, and religious.
SIMONIDES
I’ll help you to a courtier of nineteen, mother.
ANTIGONA
Away, unnatural!
SIMONIDES
Then I am no fool, I’m sure,
For to be natural at such a time
Were a fool’s part indeed.
ANTIGONA
Your grace’s pity, sir,
And ’tis but fit and just.
CREON
The law, my lord,
And that’s the justest way.
SIMONIDES
[Aside] Well said, father, i’faith;
Thou wert juster than my mother still.
EVANDER
Come hither, sir.
SIMONIDES
My lord.
EVANDER
What are those orders?
ANTIGONA
Worth observation, sir,
So please you hear them read.
SIMONIDES
[Takes Evander aside.] The woman speaks she knows not what, my lord.
He make a law, poor man! He bought a table, indeed,
Only to learn to die by it. There’s the business now
Wherein there are some precepts for a son too,
How he should learn to live, but I ne’er looked upon it;
For when he’s dead I shall live well enough
And keep a better table than that, I trow.
EVANDER
And is that all, sir?
SIMONIDES
All, I vow, my lord,
Save a few running admonitions
Upon cheese-trenchers, as,
“Take heed of whoring, shun it,
’Tis like a cheese too strong of the runnet,”
And such calves’ maws of wit and admonition
Good to catch mice with, but not sons and heirs:
They’re not so easily caught.
EVANDER
[To Cratilus] Agent for death.
CRATILUS
Your will, my lord?
EVANDER
Take hence that pile of years
Before [he] surfeit with unprofitable age,
And with the rest, from the high promontory,
Cast him into the sea.
CREON
’Tis noble justice!
[Exeunt Creon and Cratilus.]
ANTIGONA
’Tis cursed tyranny!
SIMONIDES
Peace! Take heed, mother,
You have but a short time to be cast down yourself,
And let a young courtier do it, and you be wise
In the meantime.
ANTIGONA
Hence, slave!
[Exit Antigona.]
SIMONIDES
Well, seven-and-fifty,
You’ve but three years to scold, then comes your payment.
FIRST COURTIER
Simonides.
SIMONIDES
Push, I’m not brave enough to hold you talk yet;
Give a man time, I have a suit a-making.
Recorders [play].
SECOND COURTIER
We love thy form first; brave clothes will come, man.
SIMONIDES
I’ll make ‘em come else, with a mischief to ‘em
As other gallants do that have less left ‘em.
Recorders [play again].
EVANDER
Hark, whence those sounds? What’s that?
Enter Cleanthes and Hippolita, with a hearse.
FIRST COURTIER
Some funeral
It seems, my lord, and young Cleanthes follows.
EVANDER
Cleanthes!
SECOND COURTIER
’Tis, my lord, and in the place
Of a chief mourner too, but strangely habited.
EVANDER
Yet suitable to his behaviour, mark it;
He comes all the way smiling, do you observe it?
I never saw a corpse so joyfully followed.
Light colours and light cheeks! Who should this be?
’Tis a thing worth resolving.
SIMONIDES
One belike
That doth participate in this our present joy.
EVANDER
Cleanthes!
CLEANTHES
Oh, my lord! [Laughs.]
EVANDER
He laughed outright now!
Was ever such a contrariety seen
In natural courses yet, nay, professed openly?
FIRST COURTIER
I ha’ known a widow laugh closely, my lord,
Under her handkercher, when t’other part
Of her old face has wept like rain in sunshine;
But all the face to laugh apparently
Was never seen yet.
SIMONIDES
Yes, mine did once.
CLEANTHES
’Tis of a heavy time, the joyfullest day
That ever son was born to.
EVANDER
How can that be?
CLEANTHES
I joy to make it plain: my father’s dead.
EVANDER
Dead!
SECOND COURTIER
Old Leonides?
CLEANTHES
In his last month dead;
He beguiled cruel law the sweetliest
That ever age was blest to.
It grieves me that a tear should fall upon it,
Being a thing so joyful, but his memory
Will work it out, I see. When his poor heart broke,
I did not so much but leaped for joy
So mountingly, I touched the stars, methought.
I would not hear of blacks, I was so light,
But chose a colour orient, like my mind;
For blacks are often such dissembling mourners
There is no credit given to it. It has lost
All reputation by false sons and widows.
Now I would have men know what I resemble,
A truth, indeed; ’tis joy clad like a joy,
Which is more honest than a cunning grief
That’s only faced with sables for a show,
But gaudy-hearted. When I saw death come
So ready to deceive you, sir, forgive me,
I could not choose but be entirely merry.
And yet, to see now, of a sudden
Naming but death, I show myself a mortal
That’s never constant to one passion long;
I wonder whence that tear came when I smiled
In the production on it. Sorrow’s a thief
That can, when joy looks on, steal forth a grief.
But gracious leave, my lord, when I have performed,
My last poor duty to my father’s bones,
I shall return your servant.
EVANDER
Well, perform it.
The law is satisfied, they can but die.
And, by his death, Cleanthes, you gain well
A rich and fair revenue.
Flourish. [Exeunt Evander and Courtiers.]
SIMONIDES
I would I had
Even another father, condition he did
The like.
CLEANTHES
[Aside] I have passed it bravely now! How blest was I
To have the [duke in] sight! Now ’tis confirmed
Fast fear of doubts confirmed. — On, on, I say,
He that brought me to man, I bring to clay.
[Exeunt Cleanthes, Hippolita, and funeral procession.]
SIMONIDES
I’m rapt now in a contemplation
Even at the very sight of yonder hearse.
I do but think what a fine thing ’tis now
To live and follow some seven uncles thus,
As many cousin-germans, and such people
That will leave legacies. A pox! I’d see ‘em hanged else
E’er I’d follow one of them and they could find the way.
Now I’ve enough to begin to be horrible covetous.
Enter Butler, Tailor, [Bailiff], Cook, Coachman, and Footman.
BUTLER
We come to know your worship’s pleasure, sir;
Having long served your father, how your good will
Stands towards our entertainment.
SIMONIDES
Not a jot, i’faith:
My father wore cheap garments, he might do it;
I shall have all my clothes come home tomorrow.
They will eat up all you, and there were more of you, sirs,
To keep you six at livery, and still munching!
TAILOR
Why, I’m a tailor, you’ve most need of me, sir.
SIMONIDES
Thou madest my father’s clothes, that I confess,
But what son and heir will have his father’s tailor
Unless he have a mind to be well laughed at?
Thou hast been so used to wide long-side things, that when
I come to truss, I shall have the waist of my doublet
Lie upon my buttocks. A sweet sight!
BUTLER
I, a butler?
SIMONIDES
There’s least need of thee, fellow, I shall ne’er drink at home, I shall be so drunk abroad.
BUTLER
But a cup of small beer will do well next morning, sir.
SIMONIDES
I grant you, but what need I keep so big a knave for a cup of small beer?
COOK
Butler, you have your answer. Marry, sir, a cook I know your mastership cannot be without.
SIMONIDES
The more ass art thou to think so, for what should I do with a mountebank, no drink in my house? The banishing the butler might have been a warning for thee, unless thou meanest to choke me.
COOK
In the meantime you have choked me, methinks.
BAILIFF
These are superfluous vanities, indeed, and so accounted of in these days, sir; but then, your bailiff to receive your rents?
SIMONIDES
I prithee, hold thy tongue, fellow, I shall take a course to spend ‘em faster than thou canst reckon ‘em. ’Tis not the rents must serve my turn, unless I mean to be laughed at; if a man should be seen out of slash-me, let him ne’er look to be a right gallant. But, sirrah, with whom is your business?
COACHMAN
Your good mastership.
SIMONIDES
You have stood silent all this while, like men
That know their strengths. In these days none of you
Can want employment; you can win me wagers,
Footman, in running races.
FOOTMAN
I dare boast it, sir.
SIMONIDES
And when my bets are all come in and store,
Then, coachman, you can hurry me to my whore.
COACHMAN
I’ll firk ‘em into foam else.
SIMONIDES
Speaks brave matter!
And I’ll firk some too, or shall cost hot water.
[Exeunt Simonides, Coachman, and Footman.]
COOK
Why, here’s an age to make a cook a ruffian and scald the devil! Indeed, do strange mad things, make mutton-pasties of dog’s flesh, bake snakes for lamprey pies, and cats for conies!
BUTLER
Come, will you be ruled by a butler’s advice once? For we must make up our fortunes somewhere now, as the case stands. Let’s even, therefore, go seek out widows of nine-and-fifty and we can; that’s within a year of their deaths and so we shall be sure to be quickly rid of ‘em, for a year’s enough of conscience to be troubled with a wife for any man living.
COOK
Oracle butler! Oracle butler! He puts down all the doctors o’ the name!
Exeunt omnes.