A room in Alibius’s house
Enter Isabella and Lollio.
ISABELLA
Why, sirrah? Whence have you commission
To fetter the doors against me? If you
Keep me in a cage, pray whistle to me,
Let me be doing something.
LOLLIO
You shall be doing, if it please you; I’ll whistle to you if you’ll pipe after.
ISABELLA
Is it your master’s pleasure, or your own,
To keep me in this pinfold?
LOLLIO
’Tis for my masters pleasure, lest being taken in another man’s corn, you might be pounded in another place.
ISABELLA
’Tis very well, and he’ll prove very wise.
LOLLIO
He says you have company enough in the house, if you please to be sociable, of all sorts of people.
ISABELLA
Of all sorts? Why, here’s none but fools and madmen.
LOLLIO
Very well: and where will you find any other, if you should go abroad? There’s my master, and I to boot too.
ISABELLA
Of either sort one, a madman and a fool.
LOLLIO
I would ev’n participate of both then if I were as you. I know y’are half mad already; be half foolish too.
ISABELLA
Y’are a brave, saucy rascal! Come on, sir,
Afford me then the pleasure of your bedlam;
You were commending once today to me
Your last come lunatic: what a proper
Body there was without brains to guide it,
And what a pitiful delight appear’d
In that defect, as if your wisdom had found
A mirth in madness. Pray, sir, let me partake
If there be such a pleasure.
LOLLIO
If I do not show you the handsomest, discreetest madman, one that I may call the understanding madman, then say I am a fool.
ISABELLA
Well, a match, I will say so.
LOLLIO
When you have a taste of the madman, you shall, if you please, see Fools’ College o’ th’ side. I seldom lock there; ’tis but shooting a bolt or two, and you are amongst ‘em.
Exit.
[Within] Come on, sir, let me see how handsomely you’ll behave yourself now.
Enter Lollio, Franciscus.
FRANCISCUS
How sweetly she looks! Oh, but there’s a wrinkle in her brow as deep as philosophy. Anacreon, drink to my mistress’ health; I’ll pledge it. Stay, stay, there’s a spider in the cup! No, ’tis but a grape-stone: swallow it, fear nothing, poet; so, so, lift higher.
ISABELLA
Alack, alack, ’tis too full of pity
To be laugh’d at! How fell he mad? Canst thou tell?
LOLLIO
For love, mistress. He was a pretty poet too, and that set him forwards first; the Muses then forsook him, he ran mad for a chambermaid, yet she was but a dwarf neither.
FRANCISCUS
Hail bright Titania!
Why stand’st thou idle on these flowery banks?
Oberon is dancing with his dryads.
I’ll gather daisies, primrose, violets,
And bind them in a verse of poesy.
LOLLIO
[Showing him a whip] Not too near, you see your danger.
FRANCISCUS
Oh, hold thy hand, great Diomed!
Thou feed’st thy horses well, they shall obey thee.
Get up; Bucephalus kneels. [Gets down on all fours.]
LOLLIO
You see how I awe my flock? A shepherd has not his dog at more obedience.
ISABELLA
His conscience is unquiet; sure that was
The cause of this. A proper gentleman.
FRANCISCUS
Come hither, Aesculapius, hide the poison.
LOLLIO
[Hiding his whip] Well, ’tis hid.
FRANCISCUS
[Rising] Didst thou never hear of one Tiresias, a famous poet?
LOLLIO
Yes, that kept tame wild-geese.
FRANCISCUS
That’s he; I am the man.
LOLLIO
No.
FRANCISCUS
Yes, but make no words on’t; I was a man seven years ago,
LOLLIO
A stripling, I think you might.
FRANCISCUS
Now I’m a woman, all feminine.
LOLLIO
I would I might see that.
FRANCISCUS
Juno struck me blind.
LOLLIO
I’ll ne’er believe that; for a woman, they say, has an eye more than a man.
FRANCISCUS
I say she struck me blind.
LOLLIO
And Luna made you mad; you have two trades to beg with.
FRANCISCUS
Luna is now big-bellied, and there’s room
For both of us to ride with Hecate;
I’ll drag thee up into her silver sphere,
And there we’ll kick the dog, and beat the bush
That barks against the witches of the night.
The swift lycanthropi that walks the round,
We’ll tear their wolvish skins, and save the sheep. [Beats Lollio.]
LOLLIO
Is’t come to this? Nay, then, my poison comes forth again! Mad slave, indeed, abuse your keeper? [Shows him the whip.]
ISABELLA
I prithee hence with him, now he grows dangerous.
FRANCISCUS
[Singing] Sweet love pity me, give me leave to lie with thee.
LOLLIO
No, I’ll see you wiser first. To your own kennel.
FRANCISCUS
No noise, she sleeps, draw all the curtains round;
Let no soft sound molest the pretty soul
But love, and love creeps in at a mouse-hole.
LOLLIO
I would you would get into your hole.
Exit Franciscus.
Now, mistress, I will bring you another sort; you shall be fool’d another while. Tony, come hither, Tony, look who’s yonder, Tony.
Enter Antonio.
ANTONIO
Cousin, is it not my aunt?
LOLLIO
Yes, ’tis one of ‘em, Tony.
ANTONIO
He, he, how do you, uncle?
LOLLIO
Fear him not, mistress, ’tis a gentle nidget; you may play with him, as safely with him as with his bauble.
ISABELLA
How long hast thou been a fool?
ANTONIO
Ever since I came hither, cousin.
ISABELLA
Cousin? I’m none of thy cousins, fool.
LOLLIO
Oh, mistress, fools have always so much wit as to claim their kindred.
MADMAN within
Bounce, bounce, he falls, he falls!
ISABELLA
Hark you, your scholars in the upper room are out of order.
LOLLIO
Must I come amongst you there? Keep you the fool, mistress; I’ll go up and play left-handed Orlando amongst the madmen.
Exit.
ISABELLA
Well, sir.
ANTONIO
’Tis opportuneful now, sweet lady! Nay,
Cast no amazing eye upon this change.
ISABELLA
Ha!
ANTONIO
This shape of folly shrouds your dearest love,
The truest servant to your powerful beauties,
Whose magic had this force thus to transform me.
ISABELLA
You are a fine fool indeed.
ANTONIO
Oh, ’tis not strange.
Love has an intellect that runs through all
The scrutinous sciences and, like
A cunning poet, catches a quantity
Of every knowledge, yet brings all home
Into one mystery, into one secret
That he proceeds in.
ISABELLA
Y’are a parlous fool.
ANTONIO
No danger in me: I bring naught but love
And his soft, wounding shafts to strike you with.
Try but one arrow; if it hurt you,
I’ll stand you twenty back in recompense.
ISABELLA
A forward fool, too.
ANTONIO
This was love’s teaching;
A thousand ways he fashion’d out my way,
And this I found the safest and nearest
To tread the galaxia to my star.
ISABELLA
Profound withal. Certain you dream’d of this;
Love never taught it waking.
ANTONIO
Take no acquaintance
Of these outward follies; there is within
A gentleman that loves you.
ISABELLA
When I see him,
I’ll speak with him; so in the meantime
Keep your habit, it becomes you well enough.
As you are a gentleman, I’ll not discover you;
That’s all the favour that you must expect.
When you are weary, you may leave the school;
For all this while you have but play’d the fool.
Enter Lollio.
ANTONIO
And must again. He, he, I thank you, cousin;
I’ll be your valentine tomorrow morning.
LOLLIO
How do you like the fool, mistress?
ISABELLA
Passing well, sir.
LOLLIO
Is he not witty, pretty well for a fool?
ISABELLA
If he hold on as he begins, he is like to come to something!
LOLLIO
Ay, thank a good tutor. You may put him to’t; he begins to answer pretty hard questions. Tony, how many is five times six?
ANTONIO
Five times six is six times five.
LOLLIO
What arithmetician could have answer’d better? How many is one hundred and seven?
ANTONIO
One hundred and seven is seven hundred and one, cousin.
LOLLIO
This is no wit to speak on. Will you be rid of the fool now?
ISABELLA
By no means; let him stay a little.
MADMAN within
Catch there, catch the last couple in hell!
LOLLIO
Again? Must I come amongst you? Would my master were come home! I am not able to govern both these wards together.
Exit.
ANTONIO
Why should a minute of love’s hour be lost?
ISABELLA
Fie, out again! I had rather you kept
Your other posture: you become not your tongue
When you speak from your clothes.
ANTONIO
How can he freeze
Lives near so sweet a warmth? Shall I alone
Walk through the orchard of the Hesperides.
And cowardly not dare to pull an apple?
This with the red cheeks I must venture for.
Enter Lollio above.
ISABELLA
Take heed, there’s giants keep ‘em.
[Antonio kisses her.]
LOLLIO
How now, fool, are you good at that? Have you read Lipsius? He’s past Ars Amandi; I believe I must put harder questions to him, I perceive that.
ISABELLA
You are bold without fear, too.
ANTONIO
What should I fear,
Having all joys about me? Do you smile,
And love shall play the wanton on your lip,
Meet and retire, retire and meet again:
Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes
I shall behold mine own deformity,
And dress myself up fairer; I know this shape
Becomes me not, but in those bright mirrors
I shall array me handsomely.
LOLLIO
[Aside] Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Exit. Enter Madmen above, some as birds, others as beasts. [Exit Madmen.]
ANTONIO
What are these?
ISABELLA
Of fear enough to part us,
Yet are they but our schools of lunatics,
That act their fantasies in any shapes
Suiting their present thoughts: if sad, they cry;
If mirth be their conceit, they laugh again.
Sometimes they imitate the beasts and birds,
Singing or howling, braying, barking; all
As their wild fancies prompt ‘em.
Enter Lollio.
ANTONIO
These are no fears.
ISABELLA
But here’s a large one, my man.
ANTONIO
Ha, he, that’s fine sport indeed, cousin.
LOLLIO
I would my master were come home; ’tis too much for one shepherd to govern two of these flocks. Nor can I believe that one churchman can instruct two benefices at once: there will be some incurable mad of the one side and very fools on the other. Come, Tony.
ANTONIO
Prithee, cousin, let me stay here still.
LOLLIO
No, you must to your book now you have play’d sufficiently.
ISABELLA
Your fool is grown wondrous witty.
LOLLIO
Well, I’ll say nothing; but I do not think but he will put you down one of these days.
Exeunt Lollio and Antonio.
ISABELLA
Here the restrained current might make breach,
Spite of the watchful bankers. Would a woman stray,
She need not gad abroad to seek her sin;
It would be brought home one ways or other:
The needle’s point will to the fixed north,
Such drawing arctics women’s beauties are.
Enter Lollio.
LOLLIO
How dost thou, sweet rogue?
ISABELLA
How now?
LOLLIO
Come, there are degrees; one fool may be better than another.
ISABELLA
What’s the matter?
LOLLIO
Nay, if thou giv’st thy mind to fools, flesh, have at thee!
[Tries to kiss her.]
ISABELLA
You bold slave, you!
LOLLIO
I could follow now as t’other fool did:
[Imitating Antonio] “What should I fear,
Having all joys about me? Do you smile,
And love shall play the wanton on your lip,
Meet and retire, retire and meet again:
Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes
I shall behold mine own deformity,
And dress myself up fairer; I know this shape
Becomes me not—”
And so as it follows. But is not this the more foolish way? Come, sweet rogue, kiss me, my little Lacedemonian. Let me feel how thy pulses beat; thou hast a thing about thee would do a man pleasure, I’ll lay my hand on’t.
ISABELLA
Sirrah, no more! I see you have discovered
This love’s knight-errant, who hath made adventure
For purchase of my love; be silent, mute,
Mute as a statue, or his injunction
For me enjoying shall be to cut thy throat.
I’ll do it, though for no other purpose,
And be sure he’ll not refuse it.
LOLLIO
My share, that’s all; I’ll have my fool’s part with you.
ISABELLA
No more: your master!
Enter Alibius.
ALIBIUS
Sweet, how dost thou?
ISABELLA
Your bounden servant, sir.
ALIBIUS
Fie, fie, sweetheart,
No more of that.
ISABELLA
You were best lock me up.
ALIBIUS
In my arms and bosom, my sweet Isabella,
I’ll lock thee up most nearly. Lollio,
We have employment, we have task in hand;
At noble Vermandero’s, our castle-captain,
There is a nuptial to be solemnis’d,
Beatrice Joanna his fair daughter, bride,
For which the gentleman hath bespoke our pains:
A mixture of our madmen and our fools
To finish, as it were, and make the fag
Of all the revels, the third night from the first.
Only an unexpected passage over,
To make a frightful pleasure, that is all,
But not the all I aim at. Could we so act it,
To teach it in a wild, distracted measure,
Though out of form and figure, breaking time’s head,
It were no matter: ’twould be heal’d again
In one age or other, if not in this.
This, this, Lollio: there’s a good reward begun,
And will beget a bounty, be it known.
LOLLIO
This is easy, sir, I’ll warrant you. You have about you fools and madmen that can dance very well, and ’tis no wonder your best dancers are not the wisest men: the reason is, with often jumping they jolt their brains down into their feet, that their wits lie more in their heels than in their heads.
ALIBIUS
Honest Lollio, thou giv’st me a good reason
And a comfort in it.
ISABELLA
Y’ave a fine trade on’t;
Madmen and fools are a staple commodity.
ALIBIUS
Oh, wife, we must eat, wear clothes, and live:
Just at the lawyer’s haven we arrive,
By madmen and by fools we both do thrive.
Exeunt.