A room in Alibius’s house
Enter Isabella and Lollio.
ISABELLA
Oh heaven! Is this the waiting moon?
Does love turn fool, run mad, and all [at] once?
Sirrah, here’s a madman akin to the fool too,
A lunatic lover.
LOLLIO
No, no, not he I brought the letter from.
ISABELLA
Compare his inside with his out and tell me.
LOLLIO
The out’s mad, I’m sure of that; I had a taste on’t. [Reading] “To the bright Andromeda, chief chambermaid to the knight of the sun, at the sign of Scorpio, in the middle region, sent by the bellows-mender of Æolus. Pay the post.” This is stark madness.
ISABELLA
Now mark the inside. [He opens the letter and she reads over his shoulder.] “Sweet lady, having now cast off this counterfeit cover of a madman, I appear to your best judgment a true and faithful lover of your beauty.”
LOLLIO
He is mad still.
ISABELLA
[Reading] “If any fault you find, chide those perfections in you which have made me imperfect; ’tis the same sun that causeth to grow and enforceth to wither” —
LOLLIO
Oh, rogue!
ISABELLA
[Reading] “Shapes and transhapes, destroys and builds again. I come in winter to you dismantled of my proper ornaments; by the sweet splendour of your cheerful smiles, I spring and live a lover.”
LOLLIO
Mad rascal still.
ISABELLA
[Reading] “Tread him not under foot that shall appear an honour to your bounties. I remain, mad till I speak with you, from whom I expect my cure, yours all, or one beside himself, Franciscus.”
LOLLIO
You are like to have a fine time on’t. My master and I may give over our professions; I do not think but you can cure fools and madmen faster than we, with little pains too.
ISABELLA
Very likely.
LOLLIO
One thing I must tell you, mistress: you perceive that I am privy to your skill; if I find you minister once and set up the trade, I put in for my thirds. I shall be mad or fool else.
ISABELLA
The first place is thine, believe it, Lollio;
If I do fall —
LOLLIO
I fall upon you.
ISABELLA
So.
LOLLIO
Well, I stand to my venture.
ISABELLA
But thy counsel now: how shall I deal with ‘um?
LOLLIO
[Why,] do you mean to deal with ‘um?
ISABELLA
Nay, the fair understanding: how to use ‘um.
LOLLIO
Abuse ‘um: that’s the way to mad the fool and make a fool of the madman, and then you use ‘um kindly.
ISABELLA
’Tis easy. I’ll practise; do thou observe it:
The key of thy wardrobe.
[He gives her the key.]
LOLLIO
There; fit yourself for ‘um, and I’ll fit ‘um both for you.
ISABELLA
Take thou no further notice than the outside.
Exit.
LOLLIO
Not an inch; I’ll put you to the inside.
Enter Alibius.
ALIBIUS
Lollio, art there? Will all be perfect, think’st thou?
Tomorrow night, as if to close up the solemnity,
Vermandero expects us.
LOLLIO
I mistrust the madmen most; the fools will do well enough:
I have taken pains with them.
ALIBIUS
Tush, they cannot miss; the more absurdity,
The more commends it, so no rough behaviours
Affright the ladies: they are nice things, thou know’st.
LOLLIO
You need not fear, sir; so long as we are there with our commanding pizzles, they’ll be as tame as the ladies themselves.
ALIBIUS
I will see them once more rehearse before they go.
LOLLIO
I was about it, sir; look you to the madmen’s morris, and let me alone with the other. There is one or two that I mistrust their fooling; I’ll instruct them, and then they shall rehearse the whole measure.
ALIBIUS
Do so; I’ll see the music prepar’d: but, Lollio,
By the way, how does my wife brook her restraint?
Does she not grudge at it?
LOLLIO
So, so. She takes some pleasure in the house; she would abroad else. You must allow her a little more length; she’s kept too short.
ALIBIUS
She shall along to Vermandero’s with us;
That will serve her for a month’s liberty.
LOLLIO
What’s that on your face, sir?
ALIBIUS
Where, Lollio? I see nothing.
LOLLIO
Cry you mercy, sir, ’tis your nose! It show’d like the trunk of a young elephant.
ALIBIUS
Away, rascal: I’ll prepare the music, Lollio.
Exit Alibius.
LOLLIO
Do, sir; and I’ll dance the whilst. Tony, where art thou, Tony?
Enter Antonio.
ANTONIO
Here, cousin. Where art thou?
LOLLIO
Come, Tony, the footmanship I taught you.
ANTONIO
I had rather ride, cousin.
LOLLIO
Ay, a whip take you, but I’ll keep you out. Vault in; look you, Tony: [dancing] fa, la la la la.
ANTONIO
[Dancing] Fa, la la la la.
LOLLIO
There, an honour.
ANTONIO
Is this an honour, coz? [Bows.]
LOLLIO
Yes, and it please your worship.
ANTONIO
Does honour bend in the hams, coz?
LOLLIO
Marry, does it, as low as worship, squireship, nay, yeomanry itself sometimes, from whence it first stiffened. There rise a caper.
ANTONIO
Caper after an honour, coz?
LOLLIO
Very proper, for honour is but a caper, rise[s] as fast and high, has a knee or two, and falls to th’ ground again. You can remember your figure, Tony?
Exit.
ANTONIO
Yes, cousin, when I see thy figure, I can remember mine.
Enter Isabella [dressed as a madwoman. Antonio resumes dancing].
ISABELLA
Hey, how he treads the air!
Shoo, shoo, t’other way: he burns his wings else;
Here’s wax enough below, Icarus, more
Than will be canceled these eighteen moons.
He’s down, he’s down; what a terrible fall he had!
Stand up, thou son of Cretan Dedalus,
And let us tread the lower labyrinth;
I’ll bring thee to the clue.
ANTONIO
Prithee, coz, let me alone.
ISABELLA
Art thou not drown’d?
About thy head I saw a heap of clouds
Wrapp’d like a Turkish turban on thy back,
A crook’d chameleon-colour’d rainbow hung
Like a tiara down unto thy hams.
Let me suck out those billows in thy belly;
Hark how they roar and rumble in the [straits]!
Bless thee from the pirates.
[Attempts to kiss him.]
ANTONIO
Pox upon you, let me alone!
ISABELLA
Why shouldst thou mount so high as Mercury
Unless thou hadst reversion of his place?
Stay in the moon with me, Endymion,
And we will rule these wild rebellious waves
That would have drown’d my love.
ANTONIO
I’ll kick thee if again thou touch me,
Thou wild unshapen antic; I am no fool,
You bedlam!
ISABELLA
But you are as sure as I am, mad.
Have I put on this habit of a frantic
With love as full of fury to beguile
The nimble eye of watchful jealousy,
And am I thus rewarded?
ANTONIO
Ha, dearest beauty!
ISABELLA
No, I have no beauty now,
Nor never had, but what was in my garments.
You a quick-sighted lover? Come not near me.
Keep your caparisons, y’are aptly clad;
I came a feigner to return stark mad.
Exit. Enter Lollio.
ANTONIO
Stay, or I shall change condition
And become as you are.
LOLLIO
Why, Tony, whither now? Why, fool!
ANTONIO
Whose fool, usher of idiots? You coxcomb!
I have fool’d too much.
LOLLIO
You were best be mad another while then.
ANTONIO
So I am, stark mad, I have cause enough;
And I could throw the full effects on thee,
And beat thee like a fury.
LOLLIO
Do not, do not! I shall not forbear the gentleman under the fool, if you do. Alas, I saw through your fox-skin before now. Come, I can give you comfort: my mistress loves you, and there is as arrant a madman i’ th’ house as you are a fool, your rival, whom she loves not. If after the masque we can rid her of him, you earn her love, she says, and the fool shall ride her.
ANTONIO
May I believe thee?
LOLLIO
Yes, or you may choose whether you will or no.
ANTONIO
She’s eas’d of him; I have a good quarrel on’t.
LOLLIO
Well, keep your old station yet, and be quiet.
ANTONIO
Tell her I will deserve her love.
LOLLIO
And you are like to have your desire.
[Exit Antonio.] Enter Franciscus.
FRANCISCUS
Down, down, down a-down a-down, and then with a horse-trick
To kick Latona’s forehead and break her bow string.
LOLLIO
[Aside] This is t’other counterfeit; I’ll put him out of his humour. [Reading] “Sweet lady, having now cast this counterfeit cover of a madman, I appear to your best judgment a true and faithful lover of your beauty.” This is pretty well for a madman.
FRANCISCUS
Ha! What’s that?
LOLLIO
[Reading] “Chide those perfections in you which made me imperfect.”
FRANCISCUS
I am discover’d to the fool.
LOLLIO
[Aside] I hope to discover the fool in you ere I have done with you. [Reading] “Yours all, or one beside himself, Franciscus.” [Aside] This madman will mend sure.
FRANCISCUS
What do you read, sirrah?
LOLLIO
Your destiny, sir; you’ll be hang’d for this trick and another that I know.
FRANCISCUS
Art thou of counsel with thy mistress?
LOLLIO
Next her apron strings.
FRANCISCUS
Give me thy hand.
LOLLIO
Stay, let me put yours in my pocket first. [Puts the letter in his pocket.] Your hand is true, is it not? It will not pick? I partly fear it, because I think it does lie.
FRANCISCUS
Not in a syllable.
LOLLIO
So, if you love my mistress so well as you have handled the matter here, you are like to be cur’d of your madness.
FRANCISCUS
And none but she can cure it.
LOLLIO
Well, I’ll give you over then, and she shall cast your water next.
FRANCISCUS
[Giving him money] Take for thy pains past.
LOLLIO
I shall deserve more, sir, I hope; my mistress loves you, but must have some proof of your love to her.
FRANCISCUS
There I meet my wishes.
LOLLIO
That will not serve; you must meet her enemy and yours.
FRANCISCUS
He’s dead already.
LOLLIO
Will you tell me that, and I parted but now with him?
FRANCISCUS
Show me the man.
LOLLIO
Ay, that’s a right course now: see him before you kill him, in any case; and yet it needs not go so far neither: ’tis but a fool that haunts the house, and my mistress in the shape of an idiot. Bang but his fools’ coat well-favouredly, and ’tis well.
FRANCISCUS
Soundly, soundly.
LOLLIO
Only reserve him till the masque be past; and if you find him not now in the dance yourself, I’ll show you. In, in: my master!
Enter Alibius.
FRANCISCUS
[Dancing] He handles him like a feather. Hey!
[Exit.]
ALIBIUS
Well said! In a readiness, Lollio?
LOLLIO
Yes, sir.
ALIBIUS
Away then, and guide them in, Lollio;
Entreat your mistress to see this sight.
Hark, is there not one incurable fool
That might be begg’d? I have friends.
LOLLIO
I have him for you, one that shall deserve it too.
ALIBIUS
Good boy, Lollio.
[Lollio brings on the Madmen and Fools.] The Madmen and Fools dance.
’Tis perfect: well fit but once these strains,
We shall have coin and credit for our pains.
Exeunt.