CHAPTER 6

STAND UP FOR GENDER EQUALITY (WHATEVER YOUR GENDER)

Feminism is a very powerful and even today still controversial word, often misunderstood and misrepresented. Let’s start by debunking one persistent misconception: being a feminist does not mean being against men.

Most of my best friends are men. I absolutely get along with both genders equally – or should I say, with all humans whose values are aligned with mine. I value human life and human freedom, always in the frame of respect of others. If some members of one gender want to restrict the rights and freedoms of the other gender, then I will stand up against that specific group of people – not against the whole gender. And if the oppressed gender wasn’t female, I would make a point of standing for men’s rights too. It just happens to be that throughout history, women were the ones who were oppressed. And despite the gigantic steps forward made in the past century, gender equality is far from having been achieved yet.

There are plenty of men who respect women and promote equal rights. Of course a man can be a feminist too, that does not mean he is against his own gender. It means he stands for the empowerment of his partner, daughters, mother and female friends. It means he believes that both sexes have the right to coexist without one oppressing the other.

This part of the book is the most difficult to write for me, as I know it is going to provoke a lot of conflicting reactions and strong opinions. Anything I say might easily be taken out of context and misrepresented. Yet I feel that it is my duty to be honest about my own values and what I feel the role of a woman in society is supposed to be. For me, the role of a female – and of any other human being – should be whatever she feels like, as long as it isn’t harming anyone else.

I’ve had the word “feminist” in my Instagram biography for quite some time and it has probably, and curiously, been the main reason for the majority of cyberbullying I receive – or in plainer language, the insults (which luckily don’t bother me one bit).

There are plenty of people who deny outright the existence of female suffering across the world. I have heard so many times statements such as, “Nowadays, women have exactly the same rights as men”, and that feminism is simply a doctrine of hatred toward men. There’s an incredibly strong misconception that feminists are against men.

Let me be very clear: I am a feminist and I adore men. I love all of the men in my life, I get along with them amazingly well – and not just romantically. I have plenty of male friends with whom I have incredible relationships. I have never disliked men and I cringe at sentences that include the words “men are …” or “women are …”, because they are gross generalizations. Society puts both sexes into boxes of set characteristics that we are supposed to follow from childhood. Boys are still told to “man up” from an early age, to avoid crying and not to show sensitive feelings. Girls are encouraged to be feminine, soft-spoken and well-behaved princesses waiting to be saved by a prince on a horse. These clichés are considered by many to be outdated, and even the toy and cartoon industries are changing their approach, but these values are still deeply ingrained in the fabric of our society. Gender indoctrination starts at birth and even before.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean being against men. It means raising awareness of equal rights and fighting people who do discriminate against women as the weaker sex, either explicitly or through a subconscious bias. It means standing up for equality whether you are female or male.

There are people who get really annoyed at the mere sight of this powerful word. They picture a feminist as an angry, frustrated and opinionated woman at war with men and hell bent on stealing a man’s place in life. But this is just a caricature. Feminism, as I live it, breathe it and define it, is nothing more or less than the full support of a woman’s right to be a completely equal and respected member of society.

I was once on a press trip to Dubai, as the invitee of one of the most famous fashion magazines, along with a group of well-known journalists and prominent names in the fashion industry. I knew I would have some free time in-between work commitments, so I decided to invite a male friend on the trip so I could spend my free evenings in good company. I didn’t want to mix work and personal life, so I decided to arrange a room in a nearby hotel for his stay, not too far from where my group and I were staying. After finishing all my work duties, I took a taxi to pick him up from his hotel room and go out for dinner. I was wearing a cocktail dress and high heels for the occasion. As soon as I walked into the hotel’s lobby, I was stopped by security and forced to hand over my passport at reception. I had an official ID on me and a photocopy of my own passport, and despite my friend calling reception to confirm my identity, to my complete indignation, and without a clear explanation, they refused me access to the hotel and asked me to leave. I was the person who had actually booked the hotel room, yet I was denied access to the premises. Had I been a man, I would have walked in no questions asked. The negative bias toward how I looked and my sex was more than angering, yet in a foreign country I felt completely powerless. It was a scary and deeply insulting experience of total lack of respect for me as a human being.

Reading Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s amazing book We Should All Be Feminists, I stumbled upon a very similar story. She describes a situation of her walking into a hotel alone and being mistaken for a sex worker in her native Nigeria. As if the role of a woman walking into a hotel can only be that of an attribute to a man.

Many argue that it is not an existing problem in progressive countries with developed societies, yet I profoundly disagree. The perception of a woman being a pretty accessory of the man is still strong even in the modern, developed and progressive society of London. I have worked hard and I still work hard to be able to afford certain luxuries, like expensive restaurants or the membership of a few select clubs around the world. Yet, when I invite my lawyer, my accountant or even my young male assistant for a meeting in such a place, people look at me as their “plus one”. It is logical and obvious to them that a young, well-dressed girl with a nice manicure and a designer bag is not the paying member of the club. The mental bias runs so deep that when I ask for the bill, the waiter will promptly hand it to the man with me. It doesn’t matter if that man is on my payroll, and we’re having a meeting in a club that I’ve been going to for quite some time. And when they do realize that I am indeed a member of the exclusive venue in question, some of them then suggest that membership access has been provided by some hypothetical husband or a well-connected father or uncle. I am not saying that every environment is like this, but too many venues, even in big, progressive metropolises, still have a strong bias toward the male sex as the dominant one.

I sometimes go to expensive restaurants with the brands I work with or simply with friends, and we split the bill evenly. Often, when I stand up in my designer dress and high heels to go to the restroom, I get hit on by men sitting at their table. I have nothing in principle against being approached, which can be flattering and fun. Yet these approaches usually leave me with a bad aftertaste. Sometimes the men shout at me or even try to stop me by grabbing me, behaving with no manners or respect as if they had every right to accost me and I were some object they had to possess. I always talk back and belittle them in front of their friends with a witty knockback, but this doesn’t solve the issue.

If you’re a woman, the reason to be a feminist is self-explanatory. Maybe you’ve been fortunate enough never to have been exposed to episodes of machismo (although I would be genuinely surprised if that were the case) or simply assume that this behaviour is so ingrained in society that you don’t even notice it, but in that case I advise you to simply open your eyes to the realities of other women not too far outside your circle.

Some women hark back to the “good old days” when they wouldn’t have worked outside the home at all. They don’t seem to get that by wishing to get back to this type of society, what they are romanticizing is a lack of freedom of choice. They lament the times when women weren’t allowed to work and would just stay home taking care of the house and their husband’s needs – as if this isn’t allowed today. The progress that feminists have made these past decades is to give women the choice to do whatever they want. They can be housewives, or they can work, they can do either or both. And so can men, who shouldn’t be judged for choosing to be stay-at-home dads. Yet the stigma against this is still very strong. And often new mums have to juggle the reality of trying to do it all: career, house, babies, husbands. It isn’t easy, and it isn’t fair either.

Having a choice shouldn’t mean a bigger load of work for the woman. More choice has to mean equality and balance within a couple – in the chores, the responsibilities, the needs. Roles should be a personal decision made only by the two people in the relationship, not rigidly imposed by society. A woman can be anything she decides to be, and so can a man. We are human beings first, simply with different reproductive organs. And our reproductive organs shouldn’t have such a huge impact on our self-fulfilment and self-realization in life.

If you are a man and you love the women in your life, understand that your mother, wife, girlfriend or sister is not necessarily happy with a secondary position in society. Most women are just very used to it and accept the status quo. Some even say they “use” it to their advantage, thinking they are manipulating men to get a comfortable, stress-free life. What they are really doing, though, is accepting a subordinate position while thinking they’re being a manipulative mastermind. More than once, I have heard women say something along the lines of: “The man might be the head, but I am the neck of this operation.” They really think that they’re getting power by trying to control it, but by definition the power is not in their hands.

I don’t want women to be the ones who have the power, with men in the subordinate position. I want the sexes to respect each other as complete, capable and equal human beings. Neither should be trying to manipulate the other; where there’s manipulation, there is dysfunction. Love and respect should be the basis of all human interaction, including the relationship between sexes.

Sadly, in our society many people don’t even notice sexism. I remember going for dinner in a classy restaurant with my best friend, his sister and her husband. We had a lovely night and conversation. I was wearing a long summer dress and a pair of flat, open shoes. When we all stood up to leave, and the sister’s husband saw my shoes, he boldly and confidently exclaimed: “Next time you better come with a 12-inch heel, that’s the only way we want to see you.” Needless to say, I put him in his place by answering back: “Only if next time you come dressed as a clown.”

This answer created friction and led to a long conversation about endogenous sexism. Despite being modern and progressive Italians, my dinner companions honestly didn’t see anything wrong with the way he’d expressed himself to me. He himself couldn’t understand what the problem was with requesting a woman to wear heels for his own pleasure. I told him I forgave him as it wasn’t his fault – he was just a child of the society he lived in – and I said that all I could do was call him out on it and explain to him patiently why certain behaviours are out of order. He didn’t like it at all.

I think it is the duty of every public figure, influencer and celebrity to be bold about the subject and speak up and tell the stories necessary to increase public awareness. I am proud to say out loud that I am a self-made woman and have been paying my own rent since I was 18 years old, as well as helping those around me in as many ways as possible. I say it out loud not to brag, but to show that even if it isn’t always easy, it is totally doable. I am aware of the responsibility of being a good example to my following and I truly want the people who look at me to see more than just a pretty picture.

Being a feminist does not mean being at war with men, but an ongoing discussion with those whose closemindedness puts at risk the fundamental right to freedom and equality of every human being. If you define yourself as a humanist, then you have to be a feminist too. The concept is an integral part of the fundamental premise of humanism: the intrinsic and sacred value and agency of all humans. If you believe that all humans are equal and have the right to be fully respected and free, why would you try to limit what a member of a certain sex can and should do?

Every time a woman does something that is considered a predominantly male activity, at best she’s seen as brave and she’s always expected to justify it: why did you choose to become an engineer instead of a PR manager? I am forever grateful for the courageous women who got me where I am today, directly or indirectly. For the first-wave feminism that gave us women the fundamental right to vote. And the precious second-wave feminism that fought over a wider range of issues: sexuality, role in the family, respect in the workplace and – fundamentally – reproductive rights. But the battle is far from over. The recent marches and courageous story-telling by the #MeToo movement is one example of many women speaking up and raising the issue throughout the mainstream media and the digital world. However, the progress made over the past century can be quickly undone and it’s the responsibility of everyone to keep a respectful conversation alive.

I find myself wondering why, 60 years after the contraceptive pill was approved by the FDA, we are still no closer to a male pill, despite the known toll this form of birth control can take on women’s health. A hormonal birth control pill for men is still taboo; whenever I raise the question, most men react either by laughing or by bringing up the potential side-effects on health, yet the effect on women’s health is rarely discussed. This is just one example to illustrate why there’s no such thing as equality of the sexes.

A clear example of gender discrimination is the abortion ban law that was passed in Alabama in spring 2019. Under the Human Life Protection Act, a doctor who performs a banned abortion in the state of Alabama would be guilty of a Class A felony, and could be sentenced to life imprisonment. Several proposed amendments that would have allowed abortions in cases of rape and incest were rejected.

Yes, you read it right: rape and incest.

No matter what your stand is on life, choice or religion, there’s no justification for removing the rights to an abortion for a victim of rape or incest. It would mean removing the right of a woman to safety and to choose her own future. The bill was voted for and passed by 25 white men; not one single woman took part in the vote. These men have decided what women can and cannot do with their own bodies.

Despite this controversial new law being blocked in court at the end of 2019, anti-abortion campaigners in states across the USA are pushing for laws that would effectively ban abortion before most people even know they were pregnant. The danger of undoing the progress made through the sacrifices of so many women in the past is more tangible than we’d expect. We are dangerously used to, and tend to take for granted, the rights we have been given. After all, it is human nature to get used to the positives fast.

If you’re still not convinced yet, hard facts speak louder than any opinion or debate. As of 2018, there were more men named James running Fortune 500 companies than there were women. It sounds funny, but it’s actually tragic. Women of colour are almost nonexistent in the ranks of CEOs. The world’s population is 51 percent women, yet the global participation rate of women in national-level parliaments is below 25 percent. If we talk about political leadership positions, the percentages fall to single digits. This is definitely not because humans with female genitals are less able than those with male genitals. Given the opportunity, capable and talented women can truly do anything. Just like men.

We’re simply not there yet with the goal of gender equality. Women are still being held back all over the world, and it’s an issue that must be spoken about.

Be a Feminist (Whatever Your Gender): Action Points

• All you have to do is to stand up for women (and yourself if you’re one) every time you see inequality. Educate yourself on the subject. Don’t be rigid in your pre-existing ideas and preconceptions. Open your eyes, mind and heart. Just do it, every day.