A full week had gone by since Kat had spoken to Noah, and her insides felt like they were on an emotional roller coaster ride that had jumped the track with no controls to stop it. She wasn’t exactly sure what was going on with Noah, or what had tripped his switch when he found out she was a virgin. She’d thought the sex was amazing, until he informed her that he went at her like an animal. Why would he do that? Why would he treat her that way, then call himself an asshole and run away? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she’d felt completely and utterly miserable since she left his bed, and he’d disappeared from her life.
“Come on, Kat.” Amy grabbed her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Everything will be okay.”
Sitting on the shuttle next to Amy, Kat forced a smile. “I know,” she said, even though it felt like her world was crashing down around her. She’d had a miserable week at work, and because she could barely concentrate, she’d screwed up a brochure she was working on. Once again, Shannon was displeased. Her father had called a few times, but she couldn’t bring herself to answer. Once look at her, and he’d know she was not okay. The last thing she wanted to do was to lie to explain her misery.
“It’s his loss, not yours.”
“I just don’t get it.” Kathryn folded her hands on her lap. “I mean, the sex hurt, which I expected, but it was still good too, know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I didn’t think he did anything wrong, or that he was too rough, but I guess I have nothing to compare it to.”
“That’s it,” Amy said, her eyes widening.
“What?”
“We’ll find you someone to compare it to.”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t think I want to sleep with anyone else.”
“Come on, Kat. We’ll find someone at the Cave tonight.” Amy tapped her chin. “I think I know just the guy.”
“Amy, please. I’m done with guys.”
The shuttle came to a stop, and they climbed off. The warm floral scent of the night air, combined with smoke from the fire fell over them as they walked to the shore. Amy opened her thermal bag and handed Kathryn a bottle before she added their drinks to the cooler. Kathryn twisted off the lid, and took a much needed drink, hoping the alcohol would help numb the emptiness inside her. Alyssa, the resort’s assistant bartender came up to her, and they talked for a few minute. She’d come to learn that Alyssa was into photography and really missed developing her photos. As Kathryn thought more about that, and wondered if there was a way she could help her, the beach grew crowded, and she suddenly wished she’d stayed at home. Partying was the last thing she felt like doing. She’d only come because Amy insisted she needed to get out. Throughout the course of the night, she spoke to a few more of the resort staff, but pretty much kept to herself.
Just when she was about to find Amy and make an excuse to leave, Amy came pouncing over, a very cute guy on her arm.
“Kathryn, this is Caleb. He’s a local, but we both go to university together. He’s a football player,” she added, like that changed everything.
Kathryn forced a smile and tilted her head. Lord, the guy was huge. “Hi.”
He took a swig of his beer and said, “So Amy tells me you’re into graffiti.”
She cringed, thinking about her run from the cops. “I don’t know if I’d say I was in to it.”
“You were the one who painted the M&M though, right?”
“Yeah, that was me.”
“It was very cool. I’m into painting, too.”
“Oh really,” she said, surprised to hear that from someone like him. Interest piqued, they started talking about their passions. A long while later the sound of a motorcycle caught her attention. Everything inside her stiffened as she turned her head to see Noah walking toward the fire. Their eyes locked for a brief second and her stomach knotted. She turned away from him, and tried to keep her knees from shaking as she continued to talk with Caleb, except Caleb had a strange look on his face as his glance kept straying to Noah.
“What’s up with Noah?” Caleb asked.
Kathryn gripped the cooler so tightly she feared she was going to break it in her hand. Working to keep her voice even, she said, “I don’t know.”
“He’s staring at you.”
“Just ignore him, okay?”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s on his way over here.”
Kathryn’s heart jumped into her throat.
“Caleb,” Noah said as he stepped up to the two of them.
“Noah.”
Noah’s glance went from Caleb to Kathryn and back to Caleb again. Kathryn’s entire body tensed when she caught the fire in Noah’s eyes, the clench of his jaw. What had happened to the playful Noah she knew? The one who made light of everything and went out of his way to make her smile? The one who jumped in and helped her with the labels, zipping through files like it was second nature to him? She looked at him now and could sense something dark and dangerous brewing beneath the surface, something that once again reminded her that there was more to this guy than met the eye.
“Back the fuck off,” Noah spit out.
Caleb held his hands up, palms out. “Listen, Noah, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m not looking for trouble.”
Noah fisted his hands. “Yeah, well, too bad because you found it.”
Caleb wagged his finger between Noah and Kathryn. “If something is going on between you too…”
“No, there isn’t, but I just don’t want you bothering her.”
“Well hey, if nothing is going on then—”
“I said, back the fuck off.”
“Noah, stop it,” Kathryn said, unable to keep the hysteria from her voice. She searched the crowed for Amy, or Jared, hoping one of them could intervene and knock some sense back into Noah.
Before she could find them, a fight broke out in front of her. Noah went flying to the ground, but he jumped to his feet and retaliated. Soon the two were throwing punches, their bodies rolling around on the ground in a mass of blood and sand.
Kathryn screamed, and Jared came running over. “Shit,” he said then gestured for a few guys to help. Once they peeled the two off each other, Noah spit blood and wiped his mouth.
“What is your fucking problem, man?” Caleb asked. “I told you I wasn’t looking for trouble.”
“Then stay away from her and there won’t be any more trouble.” With that Noah turned around and headed toward his bike.
Kathryn went after him. She grabbed the back of his jacket, and he spun around. His eyes, hard and dangerous, locked on hers.
She flinched and inched back. “Noah, what’s going on?” He split blood again, and grabbed his helmet.
“Nothing.”
“So, what, you don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me?”
His blue eyes were colder than an East coast winter, and his voice was harder than she’d ever heard it when he said, “I never said I didn’t want you.”
With her gut completely tied up in knots, her mind raced, struggling to figure out what was going on with him…with them?
He climbed onto his bike, toed the kickstand into place, and wiped the blood from his face before pulling on his helmet.
She took a cautious step toward him. “I don’t think you should be driving.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine, you’re acting like a…like a jerk.”
He popped his shield and laughed. “Why don’t you tell me what you really think?”
“What the hell is the matter with you?” she screamed.
Instead of answering, he started his bike, and took off, disappearing into the night.
With tears pooling in her eyes, Kathryn turned to find Amy rushing up behind her. She put her arms around Kathryn’s shoulders and led her toward the street. “Come on,” Amy said. “Let’s get you home.”
“What is the matter with him?” she choked out.
“I don’t know. He gets like this sometimes.”
Close to an hour later, Kathryn crawled into her bed, her body exhausted. Except after seeing Noah, and that dark and dangerous side of him, her emotions were in a jumbled mess, her mind too revved up to sleep. She tossed restlessly, and heard Noah storm in sometime around two.
She listened to him bang around in his room, like he was drunk and knocking into things, or pissed off and throwing his furniture across his room. After a long time, he went silent and she wondered if he’d fallen asleep. With exhaustion pulling at her, she closed her eyes, and soon fell into a fitful slumber.
She hadn’t been asleep long when a loud male voice pulled her awake. Her heart began pounding as she rubbed her eyes and looked around her room. What the hell was going on? Was someone in her room?
She listened carefully and then realized the noise was coming from the other side of her wall. Noah… He was yelling, crying out something she couldn’t understand. Was he having a nightmare? Kathryn put her hand on the wall and drew a shaky breath. She listened a moment longer, and heard him mumble something about Jonny. Clearly the J on his arm stood for Jonny. What the hell had happened to Jonny, and did it have something to do with Noah’s erratic behavior?
As she lay there with her ear pressed against the wall, Noah’s cries stopped. A few minutes later she heard his door creak open. She sat up in her bed, her heart pounding, worry zinging through her blood. Moving slowly, quietly, she threw her legs over the bed, pulled on her robe, and slipped into her pink, fluffy slippers. Padding quietly across her room, she inched her door open. She glanced up and down the dark hall, only to find it empty. Leaving her door open she tiptoed to the common kitchen wondering if she’d find Noah in there. She poked her head in and stole a quick glance around. Moonlight shone in from the window, giving her sufficient light to see Noah slumped in the chair beside the table, his hands over his face. Looking so incredibly troubled, so utterly lost he sat still…eerily still. Her heart squeezed in her chest at how miserable he looked. Whatever had happened to Jonny had taken a great deal out of him.
Kathryn backed up into the hall. She took a breath to get herself under control as emotions overwhelmed her and then made a noise, announcing her presence. She cleared her throat and stepped into the kitchen. He lifted his head, and stared blankly at her. Their eyes locked but she had the strangest sense that he couldn’t even see her. She pushed down the unease welling up in her stomach and pointed to the fridge.
“Oh, I didn’t know anyone was here,” she fibbed. “I was just getting a drink.”
He didn’t speak. Instead he sat unnervingly still, his eyes following her as she walked to the fridge. She pulled open on the door handle, the refrigerator light spilling into the room. She grabbed a bottle of water, unscrewed the cap, took a long pull, and then put it back. She shut the door, plunging them into near darkness. With shivers skipping down her spine, she headed toward the hall.
“Kat.”
The pain she heard in his voice stopped her in her tracks. She slowly turned around, and when their eyes locked again, and she saw raw emotions backlighting his baby blues, air left her lungs in a whoosh.
“Yeah?” she asked working to keep her voice steady.
“Want to go do something?”
She looked at the clock on the microwave. “It’s three in the morning, Noah.”
“Yeah, so?”
She tightened her robe around her waist. “I think we should get some sleep.”
“Okay.” He sounded so damn dejected, her heart missed a beat. She stood there a minute longer, and listened to his throat work as he swallowed.
She put her hand on the doorframe, worry moving through her. “Are you okay?”
“Can’t sleep.”
Something inside her softened and she found herself asking, “Where did you want to go?”
“I don’t know.” His brow lifted, hopeful. “Maybe a ride up the mountain.”
She watched him for a long moment, everything inside her hurting for him. What was going on with him? “Give me a minute to get changed okay?”
She made a move to go, and paused when he said quietly, “Kat.”
“Yeah.
“I’m sorry.”
Her throat clenched. “It’s okay.”
“I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have…”
“Why wouldn’t you have?”
“Because your first time shouldn’t have been with me.”
“I wanted it to be with you.”
A tortured look moved over his face and he scrubbed his chin. “I didn’t mean…”
“I know.”
He stared at the ceiling, looking like he was a million miles away. A moment later he broke the quiet. “About you and Caleb...”
When he let his words trail off, she toyed with the hem of her nightshirt and gave a confused shake of her head. “What happened? Why did you do that?”
“I’m an asshole.” He forced a smile and her heart missed a beat. “Haven’t we already established that?”
“Don’t say that,” she whispered. “You’re not an asshole.”
His eyes dropped and stared a spot on the floor near her feet. “You don’t know anything about me.”
She thought about his fight with Caleb, the biggest guy at the party. “I know you have a death wish,” she teased hoping to lighten his mood a bit, but once again he fell serious.
His hand went to the tattoo on his arm, and he looked like he was a million miles away again when he rubbed it. “I have bad dreams. Sometimes I do things…” He let his words fall off.
“Are your dreams about J?”
His head came up. “What?”
She pointed to his tattoo and he stopped rubbing it.
“Oh. Yeah,” he said, his voice so low she could barely hear it. “Jonny.”
Her heart squeezed, making it hard to breathe as she waited for him to say more, but when he didn’t she said, “Just for the record, there is no me and Caleb.”
The tension in his posture relaxed, softening his features. “Okay,” was all he said.
Kathryn hurried to her room to get dressed, and ten minutes later she was on the back of the bike with Noah, wind whipping her hair over her shoulders as they climbed the mountain. The streets were quiet, but he drove slowly through the winding turns. She tightened her grip on his chest, splaying her hand over his hard muscles. The air was cold and she pushed against him as a shiver moved through her. When one of his big hands closed over hers, rubbing to create friction, her heart swelled inside her chest and it occurred to her just how much she liked him. It also occurred to her that this was the only time he let her touch him. Why was that? Why didn’t he like to be touched? She wanted to ask, but she was afraid it might bring up more painful memories.
After a long ride he pulled his bike off the road, and they both climbed off. He set his helmet on the seat and sat on the guardrail. He tapped the metal beside him. “Come here. You’ll like this.”
She sat beside him and hugged herself, wishing she’d worn more than a sweater. As though in tune with her needs, he pulled off his coat and draped it over her shoulders, then put his arm around her to pull her close. The warmth of his body reached out to her, and his scent, which was all over his coat, filled her with a different kind of warmth.
“Look,” he said, pointing to the mountains in the distance. “Watch for a minute.”
She sat there watching, then sucked in a breath when long fingers of golden light crawled over the mountaintop and lit up the valley floor below.
“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, guessing this was one of his go to places after one of his nightmares.
“Do you have your phone?”
“Right, pictures.” She fished her phone from her sweater pocket and took a bunch of photos. “So gorgeous.”
Noah reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his own phone. He snapped a few pictures and said, “You should paint this.”
“I’d love to. I just don’t have the supplies or the space.”
They both fell silent, and after a long time she turned to look at him. “Noah?” she asked.
“Yeah?”
“What happened to Jonny?”
He jumped to his feet and walked to the ledge overlooking the valley below. Body tense he scrubbed his hand through his hair. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She stood and moved in next to him. She put her hand on his back, and when he flinched, like her touch physically hurt him, she pulled her hand away. “Maybe it will help.”
“It won’t bring him back.”
“No, it won’t. But maybe talking can help ease the pain.”
He scoffed. “I deserve the pain.”
“If you don’t want to talk to me, maybe you can talk to a professional.”
“No.”
Pushing him a bit, she said, “Maybe you could talk to Amy. She’s studying to be a psychologist.”
“I don’t need to talk to anyone. Jonny died, it was my fault, end of story.”
“How did he die?”
He walked away from her and dropped onto the ground, his feet dangling over the ledge. “Kat, please, I don’t want to do this…”
Kathryn sat down next to him. “Okay.”
Noah picked up a small rock and tossed it over the mountain ledge. She listened for a long time before it hit. He threw himself down flat and stared up at the sky. She spread out beside him, watching the sunrise.
She breathed in the fresh mountain air. “I wish I could stay here forever.”
“Why can’t you?”
She turned to see him staring at her. “Because,” she began giving him a playful smile. “Unlike you, I have responsibilities.”
He looked at her long and hard. His mouth opened and closed, like he wanted to say something, like he was battling an internal war. Finally he asked, “If you hate business school so much, why do you do it?”
That statement took her by surprise. “Who says I hate it?”
“I do.”
She frowned, not bothering to deny it. “My dad wants me to join his investment firm. I think he even has a nice accountant lined up for me to marry, too.”
“And if you don’t?”
“My mom died a few years back, and I’m all he’s got. I feel bad, and don’t want to disappoint him.”
“I’m sorry about your mom.”
Her heart squeezed. “I miss her so much.” She shifted on the grassy embankment, and their hands touched. Hyperaware of their closeness, and the way their fingers were joining together, she looked back at the sky. While she wanted to know more about him, she didn’t want to touch on another sore spot and upset him. Treading carefully, she began, “Are your parents…?”
“Both alive and in Ottawa.”
“Is that where you’re from?”
“Yup. I have a younger sister too.” A small smile touched his mouth. “She’s brilliant.”
She looked back at him and as her glance moved over his face, she suspected his little sister wasn’t the only brilliant one in the family. “Sounds like you’re close.”
He shook his head. “I haven’t seen them since…well since Jonny died, and I moved here.”
“Oh.” He went quiet, and his fingers tightened around hers. “You must miss them.”
He turned the conversation back to her. “So it’s just you and your dad?”
“Yeah. We’ve only got each other.” She plucked at the grass below her. “I just don’t want to disappoint him, you know.”
He rolled onto his side to face her. “What do you want, Kat?”
“I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life. I want to have fun.”
He smiled at her. “And when you grow up, what do you want to do?”
She shrugged. “If I could, I’d love to be a muralist.”
“You could, you know. If you really wanted to, you could.”
As she though more about that, she wondered if he wanted more out of life. “What about you, Noah? What do you want?”
He rolled onto his back. “I don’t want anything.”
“Do you want to stay here and work at the resort forever?”
“Maybe.”
“Did you ever think about trying something else?” She remembered how skilled he was in front of Shannon’s computer. How his eyes came alive as he helped her. “Maybe something with computers.”
A noise crawled out of his throat. “Yeah, I thought about it.”
With the sun climbing higher on the horizon, Kathryn yawned.
Noah jumped to his feet, and pulled her up with him. “You should get some sleep.”
She took in his tired eyes. “You should, too.”
They climbed back on the bike, and she held him tight, resting her cheek against his back as they drove. He pulled his bike into the garage, and she climbed off. Instead of following him to the door, she ran her hands over the bike he was restoring. She thought about what Amy had told her about Noah lending Jared the money, money he’d been saving for parts.
“How close are you to getting this up and running?”
“I’m in desperate need of a gearbox.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“This bike is a vintage 1940s Indian Chief, so parts are either hard to come by, or too damn expensive to buy.”
Her glance went to the papers he had strewn across a small workbench. She picked up the piece of paper with an ad for a gearbox on it.
“I put a bid in on that one but had to pull out.”
“So this is it, this is the part you need to finally get it going?”
“Yeah, this is it.” He picked up the bike’s old gearbox from the table and showed it to her. “The shop said this one was toast, and even if I could find the parts to rebuild it, it would cost a fortune. They told me I was better off finding a working one. There are still a few other parts I need, but I’ve not been in any hurry since I can’t get a working gearbox.”
“Interesting,” she said.
“Come on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “I know you don’t really find this interesting.”
“Sure I do.”
He grinned. “You’re not a very good liar.”
“And here I thought I was.”
She walked with him to the garage door and then stopped to take one last look at the bike. “Noah,” she said quietly.
“What?”
“Was that Jonny’s bike?”
He nodded.
“Is this how he died?”
“No.” He went quiet for a long moment, then drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He was walking home from a party, and strayed right into an oncoming car.”
“I’m sorry.”
That haunted look returned to his eyes. “It’s not your fault.”
“Why do you blame yourself?”
“I was supposed to pick him up.” She wanted to ask more, but he turned from her. He visibly shivered, like the memories had chilled him to the bone. “Let’s get out of here.”
Warm sunshine spilled over them as they stepped outside and walked back to their building. They climbed the stairs and Noah stopped outside his door. He opened it, and she was about to walk past but stopped when he said quietly, “Kat?”
“Yeah?”
He dipped his head, and touched the hem of her sweater, running the material between his fingers. His Adams’s apple bobbed, and he gestured with a nod over his shoulders.
“Will you stay?”
She looked at the bed, then back at him, wondering exactly what he was asking.
As if sensing the question lingering on her lips, his hand moved to her face, his thumb lightly rubbing her cheek. “I don’t mean like that. I’ll take the floor if you want. I just…I’d just really like it if you’d stay.”
Her heart squeezed as she looked into his troubled eyes, knowing it took a great deal of courage for this rough and tough guy to admit, in not so many words, that he didn’t want to be alone.
“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll stay.”
He turned sideways to let her pass, and she walked into the room. She slipped out of his coat and draped it over his chair. Leaving her clothes on, she climbed into the bed. The fresh scent of laundry soap filled her nostrils as she snuggled in, her thoughts travelling back to the last time she’d been in this bed. Noah tore off his t-shirt, but kept his jeans on. He threw a pillow onto the floor and was about to flop down.
Kathryn shifted on the mattress, making room for him. “Come here, Noah.”
He stilled. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
He climbed in next to her and, knowing he didn’t like to be touched, she resisted the urge to put her arm around him, to hold him tight and tell him everything would be okay—even though she had no idea if it would be.
“G’night,” he said.
“Sweet dreams, Noah.”