CONCLUSION—TOP 10 SECRETS TO FINDING HOPE, HEALING, AND STRENGTH

Like it or not, a life-shattering event can be our greatest teacher. Here are my secrets to hope, healing, and strength. Remember the second gift. It takes patience and time for your silver lining to appear.

10)	Expect the unexpected. Don’t be surprised by the depth of your reactions. It’s human to be moved when disaster strikes.
9)	Stay connected. Avoid isolation. In the best of times/worst of times, we see extremes of behavior from selfishness to generosity. Isolating after a disaster can lead to depression and unhealthy behaviors. Overall, we see more “best” behaviors during and soon after a tragic event, but when things settle down, it’s important not to isolate. Spend time with people who accept you as you are. Being judged or shamed for how you feel is not helpful.
8)	“My calamity is my providence.” This proverb is a tough one, but the ultimate power of the Five Gifts is to give us a foundation for accepting ourselves and where we are now because of everything that happened: the good, the bad, and the absolutely horrendous. This doesn’t mean we no longer hurt, nor have we forgotten that others are still hurting. Living through a calamity can give us a visceral understanding that from the survivor’s perspective there is no such thing as too much help.
7)	Take stock of your strengths, your values, and what matters to you. Appreciate love, friendship, and stepping up for yourself and others in need. Make a list of your inner resources and carry it in your wallet. Read them when you feel like all is lost. They have the power to rejuvenate.
6)	Laugh once a day. Especially when nothing seems funny. It’s hard to joke when life hurts but nothing heals like laughter. Take a new washing machine that sprays water in all directions the first time you turn it on. (Yes, that really happened.) Ask “How funny would this be if this was a movie starring Lily Tomlin (or your favorite comedienne)?”
5)	Take your soul vitamins. Just five minutes a day. Rest. Hydrate. Exercise as best you can. Spend time outdoors. Connect with friends. You can do it!
4)	You are not the disaster. Yes, it takes over your life for several years, but this is not the whole movie of your life. You will get through it. The replays will stop and one morning you will wake up thinking about the day ahead instead of that one.
3)	“There has to be another way.” This has turned out to be the most important tool in my psychological go-kit. There are many blockages, obstacles, and delays in the aftermath of a disaster. Right now, it may feel like it will go on forever, but reminding myself that there has to be another way has never failed me. Even when it seemed like all was lost, the flip side of obstruction has always turned out to be freedom.
2)	Appreciate yourself. It’s not easy, but like my friend Pepi says, “This life is not for the chickens.” Take stock of what you have learned about yourself and the people who really count. Thank them and yourself. Ask, “What else can I be learning?” Appreciate yourself for putting one step in front of the other
1)	Surprise yourself. With the best of intentions, I leave this last one for you to determine. After all, the most authentic gift is the one you give yourself.